It is true that youth is an unsolvable proposition. I often wonder whether it is because my obsession is too deep or I find it difficult to let go of youth.
Even my beginning of writing was related to him. It’s a bit embarrassing to say, because because of one of his online names, I started my writing journey. I was young at that time, and I always felt that if I became outstanding, maybe everything would have a chance. Unfortunately, things did not go as I wished.
Three years have passed, and my writing journey has been even more sad than my history of secret love. I can even say that I know nothing about it. After being severely hurt by the website, I fell into self-doubt and even began to feel anxious.
I suddenly thought that writing has become the same as liking him, and it has become my obsession. But I am a stubborn person. The more I can't get it, the more I feel itchy and the more I want to prove myself.
When it comes to secret love, I think I am brave, but being brave does not mean there will be regrets. What I regret is your vague feeling, your ambiguous rejection, and your hesitant look back.
Some time ago, maybe it was psychological, or maybe it was because I saw the people around me together with the people I once liked, the hope in my heart began to sprout, and desire overcame reason.
So I skillfully entered the contact information in the Add Friends button and found a seemingly good excuse for disturbing him, which was that I wanted to write a book. I never thought he would agree to such a lame excuse, but he agreed.
It was like this for both of us, both of us felt very strange. Maybe he didn't mind having one more friend in the list, so this result happened. Faced with the excitement and the very conspicuous message in the chat box "I accepted your friend request, now we can start chatting", I was embarrassed.
At the top it says "You have been successfully added as friends". Faced with the embarrassment, I could only send one message: "Sorry to bother you again. I said this on impulse. Perhaps what is most unforgettable is youth, and youth is filled with your shadow". Not long after, I received a reply, "It's okay, I just still hope you look forward. After all, the past will never come back again".
I thought you would be the same as before, so I replied with a joke, but you didn't reply. It was then that I realized that I was trapped and you had never joined the game.
I still remember chatting with him as an online friend using a secondary account. I was sharing with him that I preferred to play with boys because girls were more thoughtful and he was afraid that I had not thought things through carefully. He replied to me at the time, "You look very similar to a friend of mine." I don't know if that friend was me. I don't know why we reached the end and there was no follow-up.
After thinking about it, I still find it hard to let it go. Even now when I think about it, I still have an impulsive thought, but it was not a few years ago. Such a disturbance seems very childish and presumptuous.
After finishing writing this article and reading it again, I found that what I wrote was nonsense and the words did not express what I meant. Perhaps what I wanted to express was the inability to let go and the nostalgia for my youth. If time could be turned back, I would probably do better and more meaningfully than I do now, and would have no regrets. Unfortunately, without a time machine, no one can go back to the past.
Why is the title of the article called Secret Love at the Equator? Because everyone knows the person I have a crush on, but those who are involved are often confused while those who are not involved can see things more clearly, so I am the only one trapped.
Li Yingze, have you ever liked me? Or, when you recall your youth, will you think of me? Do you still have the letter I wrote to you? Or has it already returned to dust? Do you still have the painting I gave you? Do you still have the scarf I gave you?
If one day in the future you are lucky enough to see this article, I hope that by then I will have moved on. The past cannot be changed, but the future can still be pursued. I hope you can also meet someone more worthy.
I also secretly made a wish, hoping that you will always be safe and sound, and safe every year. I originally wanted to stop wishing you happiness, but after thinking about it, I felt that I don’t want you to be like me, so I will make an exception this time and wish you happiness forever. I wish you will never be friend A, but the protagonist.
Suddenly I remembered that after we broke up, during my endless entanglement, Li Yingze said to me: "This feeling can be recalled, but it was gone at that time." I searched on Baidu for its meaning countless times at that time. Does this prove that among all the times I looked at him, there was a moment when he looked back because of me.