I know you love me as much as I love you,
But not all deep love in this world has a "happy ending".
I love you, bye.

That night I sat in front of Ren Xiaoqi's window and looked at her sleeping face, unable to fall asleep for a long time. I thought about a lot of things, from the time we met until now, about us, and about the people and things around me. I had a lot of questions in my heart, and I couldn't ask her questions when she was like this.
I don’t know if I can quietly wait for time to give me an answer, or if I will be unable to hold back and look for it myself.
But what I never expected was that the answer came to me the next day.
Having known Shi Shuxia for such a long time, I have seen her in many different expressions: happy, angry, sad, and joyful, but I have never seen her as indifferent as the one in front of me.
In my impression, she is always gentle, always considerately by my side, giving me warmth and comfort. Even though I doubted her because of Ji Suting, I have never seen her so cold, like winter.
Like a stranger you can see everywhere on the street, you will never see him again after passing by him.
When I was at Ren Xiaoqi's bedside, I thought about a lot of things. The most incomprehensible thing was why Ren Xiaoqi could always keep track of my whereabouts and clearly understand everyone around me. There was no other explanation except that someone around me tipped her off.
I didn't want to assume bad intentions towards Shi Shuxia, but there was no way to find another person who knew my whereabouts so well, not even Ji Suting.
If I had known the answer would be so bloody, would I still choose to confront her?
I have no idea.
"Why are you here?" I asked Shi Shuxia outside the ward.
"Su Ting said that you were taking care of Ren Xiaoqi in the hospital, and he was a little worried about you so he asked me to come and see you." Shi Shuxia replied.
When she called out Ji Suting's name, her expression was ambiguous, and the faint smile on the corner of her mouth made me feel that Ji Suting was actually her boyfriend, not mine, and I felt sad.
My former best friend covets my boyfriend and he hasn't said no yet.
Outside the hospital, the sun was warm, just like the smile she gave me when we first met.
Warmth is short-lived after all. Her next words revealed my long-held suspicions. The truth was like a sword piercing my chest, causing me excruciating pain.
She said: "I like Ji Suting, always have."
"Yeah, I know," I replied.
Shi Shuxia was stunned for a moment, but soon accepted the fact and sneered, "What can you do if you know?"
I looked up, pretending to be looking at the sun through the trees, trying not to let my tears fall, and then I said calmly, "You know I can't do anything to you, as long as you're happy."
In fact, my heart was in turmoil, but I couldn't show it. Whoever got angry first would lose in this confrontation. I couldn't stop feeling sad, but I couldn't vent.
"Cun Zhiwei, I really hate you being like this." Shi Shuxia said, gritting his teeth.
I hate myself for being this way, hypocritical and disgusting. Why should I change? Because I know that if I don't change, I will be hurt more and more, and the people around me will be hurt more and more. I am not a Mary Sue heroine with a golden finger, and there is no way that a god-like person will come down from the sky every time to save me from the water and fire. I don't know when something like yesterday will happen again, and I can't afford to gamble.
Change is always better than staying the same, at least it can save you some pain.
"I can see it from your expression." I admit that I was extremely sad when I said this, but I still stubbornly pulled the corners of my mouth, trying to force a smile.
This way I won't lose too badly.
Yes, I lost. She was a very important friend to me. In this friendship, I tried my best to retain the last bit of dignity.
If you can't just cry and make a fuss, then make yourself stronger!
When we grow up, maybe I will regret what I do today, but for now, I won’t.
"In fact, I already knew that you also liked Ji Suting. I couldn't hide your little thoughts from you." Her eyes showed disgust for me, and she was no longer willing to hide it. "I like him too. The person and things I like are mine. No one can take them away from me. No matter what means I use, I will take them back. If I still wanted to be friends with you when we first met, then when I saw your admiration for Ji Suting in your eyes and when he carried you to the infirmary during military training, I hated you so much and wanted to drive you away from Ji Suting."
Shi Shuxia's next words answered the suspense that Hua Siyu left me with when she left. I thought of many possibilities, but missed this one.
"I hate you, but I didn't take it too seriously when you and Ji Suting were flirting with each other at first. I already knew that he had a girlfriend. I only needed to use a little trick and you would be accused of being a mistress. With your fragile mentality, you might collapse and never recover." She sneered, and seeing that I didn't react, she continued, "I instigated you to confess to Ji Suting, and then informed Hua Siyu of the time and place of your confession. It was just a matter of talking, and I could see the two of you blushing and having so much fun fighting for Ji Suting! But Hua Siyu was too weak. She only slapped you and let you go. You didn't cause much trouble in school. It was so disappointing."
She has already planned to break up with me and doesn't mind telling me everything about the past. She is sure that I will not do anything to her. At most, I will just stop contacting her in the future, which will not cause her any harm at all .
Her ultimate goal is to see me sad and in pain because of these truths, and I can't let her succeed.
"Then I caused the scholarship incident. I thought you would be ruined by that incident, but you managed to escape it and even suspected me. But you're so stupid. You believed me when I pretended to be pitiful and forgave me without any challenge." She smiled sarcastically. "But there's someone even more stupid than you, that's Ren Xiaoqi who's lying on the hospital bed now. I just told her that I would help her change your mind, and she believed me and was willing to be ordered around by me. How stupid she is."
"Later, I no longer had any entanglement with Ji Suting. Why didn't you let me go?" I asked.
"Humph, it's all Ji Suting's fault that he couldn't forget you, but you turned to someone else's arms." Shi Shuxia paused and continued, "When Yan Wenbo confessed his love to you, I was standing behind the crowd. I didn't know how much I hated you. Why are you loved by everyone, why do you want to hurt Ji Suting so much. Do you know? That day, he stood at the back door and witnessed it all, and witnessed you smiling and agreeing to Yan Wenbo. Watching him leave sadly, I can't tell you how sad I was. I chased after him, wanting to comfort him, wanting him to notice my existence, but he said to me, you are Zhiwei's roommate, help me wish her the best. Cun Zhiwei, at that moment I wanted to kill you."
Things came back to Ji Suting. Everything she did was for the boy named Ji Suting, but he never had her in his eyes.
Isn't this a kind of sadness?
I even felt a little sympathy for Shi Shuxia who had gone crazy before me. Her persistence not only hurt me, but would also eventually hurt herself.
"Stop looking at me with those compassionate eyes of yours! I don't want it!" She yelled at me, "Do you think I'm pitiful that Ji Suting didn't fall in love with me after all I did? I tell you, one day he will come to me, and all I need to do is to infiltrate his life little by little, and make him accustomed to having me around. You may not know this yet, but when you were bullied , he was with me. He told me about your emotional troubles, and I comforted him softly, saying that if it wasn't for a damn phone call, we might have done more than just sit together. Cun Zhiwei, do you think Ji Suting must be yours? As long as I'm here, don't expect to rest easy."
"Will you really be together?" Shi Shuxia had never known Ji Suting at all. If she had known him a little, she would have understood that they would never be together.
"Cun Zhiwei, don't think you can control everything. We will be together." Shi Shuxia vowed, and she herself didn't seem to believe it!
I shook my head and prepared to leave without saying anything. She was shouting behind me, saying things that she herself probably doubted, over and over again.
At this moment I admit that she is more pitiful than me.
Ren Xiaoqi was hospitalized for less than a week before I helped her with the discharge procedures. She said she didn't like this place and the smell of disinfectant was terrible. I asked her where she wanted to go, and she told me that she rented a house near the nursing home, which was very close to the nursing home, and she could visit her grandmother anytime.
When I brought her to stand in front of my grandmother, I realized that she would often visit my grandmother as my best friend, and she treated this as a little secret between them and didn't want my grandmother to tell me.
Watching her pushing her grandmother and talking and laughing, I suddenly felt very happy.
School life started to get busy. Before the deadline for the design competition, Ji Suting and I were busy day and night. Ren Xiaoqi would often call me to ask about my situation, and my answer was mostly that everything was fine.
Actually, I’m not a good person, at least Ji Suting and I are not a good match.
The problems that happened in the hospital that day left a thorn in our hearts. What hurt me more was that he went to find Shi Shuxia when I was being bullied and lied to me.
I now seem to have become a frightened bird. I hate my own suspicion, but I can't believe it wholeheartedly.
After the dark days, it was a long wait for the results. The school has already started to arrange exchange student quotas, and it is said that they will definitely be selected from the sophomores. The teacher once hinted to me that if I won the championship this time, I would most likely be exchanged.
I regarded the exchange as a joke to trick me into working hard, and my heart was filled with concerns about what the future path for Ji Suting and I should take.
It’s not that I don’t have confidence in our relationship, I’m just afraid of changes and distance.
I know that no relationship will end suddenly. It is exhausted through repeated wasting and waiting.
I can imagine what kind of problems we will face after the exchange.
Long-distance longing, only being able to express love through a cold mobile phone for a long time, and facing the challenges of an unfamiliar environment for a long time.
I admit that I am not brave enough and I don’t have the courage to persevere, especially after going through so much.
The more you love, the more you fear.
I would rather break up when I love you the most than become strangers one day...
Making a decision is a very difficult process and also the most painful process.
This relationship has gone through too much, too much good and too much sadness. I am not mature enough to face it all calmly, nor have I grown enough to reduce the harm to each other.
Separation may be the best option.
I made an appointment with Ji Suting to meet in the small park where we first parted ways. It was already evening, and there were many elderly people around who came to exercise. They were dancing square dances and jumping around with their children. It was so lively, making us in the corner seem even more out of place.
I looked up at him. His eyelashes were still as long as before, his eyes were incredibly beautiful, and the line of his chin was very similar to that of the popular young idol. His profile alone was enough to charm a bunch of girls.
I know, I still love him very much, very much.
After spending some time together again, I realized that this boy is not as perfect as he seems. He has his own cowardice and timidity. He will be hesitant when encountering things, he will lose his temper, and he will sulk... He is a real person around me, not like before, aloof and untouchable.
I like the real him, and because of this realness, I can't convince myself to let go.
Before coming here, Shi Shuxia came to see me. She sneered and asked me if I could no longer bear it and had to confront Ji Suting. She thought I had exploded because of what happened that afternoon when Ji Suting was by her side. I laughed at her childishness and she laughed at my naivety. She said that Ji Suting would soon be hers and would never come back to me.
Looking at her so confidently, I shook my head and said nothing.
All the kindness she had shown me disappeared in my heart amidst those heart-breaking words, and when we met again later, we were met with more indifference.
This dormitory has three people and three paths.
"Why aren't you talking?" Ji Suting was no longer silent.
Looking at his gentle eyes, I recalled everything that happened in these days.
He accompanies me to and from get off work, he accompanies me to watch midnight horror movies, he accompanies me to run in the rain on rainy days, he picks out the coriander from the beef noodles for me... His gentleness permeates every detail of life, so soft that it cannot be ignored.
I clearly remember every good thing he did for me, but the better he was to me, the harder it was to say the word break up.
"Let's separate for some time!" I bit my lip and uttered these words with difficulty.
He was stunned, as if he didn't hear what I said clearly, frowned and asked: "What did you say?"
"Let's separate for some time!" The second time, it didn't seem so difficult.
"Okay." He looked at me, his mouth twitching, his smile was uglier than crying.
"Why don't you ask me why?" I don't understand.
"I know you still love me, I know you mustered up a lot of courage to break up with me, and I also know why you want to break up with me." He touched my head and comforted me, "Since you have thought it through, then I agree. I just want to tell you that no matter when you want to come back, I will always be here waiting for you."
"I don't want to, I don't want to, but..." I hugged him and cried.
I thought of thousands of possibilities, but I didn't expect him to say such a thing. I would rather he questioned me than be so gentle.
"I just... I just feel that we need to separate for some time. We need to think about the future path, we need to grow and mature, we need..." I continued to wail.
He held me in his arms, patted my back gently, and comforted me: "I know, I know everything, and I also know that you will definitely come back to me, right?"
I couldn't make a commitment to him.
He continued without caring, "Zhiwei, we missed each other for too long, and the time we spent together was too short. Any relationship needs time to adjust. I understand. No matter what decision you make, I will accept it. Also, I want to tell you that I thought about Ren Xiaoqi's question many times. Although the final answer was "yes", I would still hesitate if she asked me again. We are both too young. There are some things we cannot bear. It takes time to polish."
"What about Shi Shuxia?"
"I only like you. What happened with Shi Shuxia was my fault. I thought she was your good friend and I could know everything about you through her, but I didn't expect that I would hurt you in the end. I didn't handle the distance between her and me well. I will pay attention to it in the future."
He is still so gentle, so gentle that I don’t want to leave.
That night, he took me to eat his favorite beef noodles, with big chunks of braised beef on top, and he carefully helped me pick out the coriander.
I felt a little sad, so I looked up and asked him, "What if I regret it?"
"Then I will take you to eat beef noodles again, and then tell you that I want to marry you."
"How shabby."
"Maybe you won't say that then," he said with a forced smile, "Cun Zhiwei, I love you more than you think."
This sentence made me cry instantly.
Ji Suting gently wiped away my tears.
"Don't cry, this is not a real breakup. Breaking up is never a decision made by one person. So, what you just said, I only regard it as your one-sided choice."
The result of this separation was something I had never expected. Ji Suting's calmness exceeded my expectations, and his words were also beyond my expectations.
After dinner, he sent me to the dormitory building and said good night to me as usual.
After turning around, tears flowed down my face. I told myself that this was a decision I made myself and I had to bear all the consequences, but I still couldn't stop crying.
I couldn't help but turn around and look at him. He had his back to me and his shoulders were hunched.
I still have to leave.
Three months after I submitted the design, the school informed me that I had won the gold medal. I was also informed that I would be going to the UK as an exchange student.
A pie suddenly fell from the sky and hit me, but I was not happy at all.
This city has too many , whether good or bad, they are all worth cherishing and can inspire me to grow.
There are so many things and people I can’t bear to let go of that I don’t even know where to start saying goodbye.
After hearing the news, Ren Xiaoqi took me to a restaurant we often went to in high school and drank for half the night. At the end, I was dazed and saw Ji Suting appear in front of me. I pulled him and said with tears and snot: "Ji Suting, do you know that I miss you very much? Every time I see you, I want to rush over and hug you, and tell you that I don't want to be separated from you. I want to be with you forever?"
He smiled: "Me too."
"You are definitely not. You are busy with graduation matters every day, and you have to deal with a bunch of junior high school girls who are fascinated by you. You smile at them every day, which is so annoying." I curled my lips. I couldn't see any trace of nostalgia in him.
"Not all thoughts have to be written on your face, you fool." He scratched my nose, and the way he smiled seemed a little different from when he smiled at those school girls. "Stop making trouble, I'll take you home."
After getting drunk, I had a dream. In the dream, Ji Suting came to me, indulged my willfulness after drinking, and carried me on his back as we walked. Ren Xiaoqi followed me, with tears in her eyes. I didn’t know what she was sad about.
In the dream, when Ji Suting carried me on his back, I made a scene. Not only did I ride him like a horse, I also yelled and scolded him. People around us looked at us like we were crazy. He didn't despise me either. He just stood there with a happy smile on his face, even more stupid than me.
When I woke up, I was lying on the bed in Ren Xiaoqi's house, looking at the unfamiliar ceiling, letting my tears fall into the pillow, repeating "I'm leaving " a thousand times in my mind, and my body refused to get up.
Ren Xiaoqi came in with a delicious breakfast. She glanced at me who was still lying on the bed and said, "You must have a headache from your hangover. I made some porridge. Come and have some!"
"Let me stay in for a while longer!" I rolled back and forth on the bed holding the quilt. I knew that such a day might never come again.
It has only been a year since I went to the UK, and I am not sure what will happen in this year, or where Ren Xiaoqi, Ji Suting and I will go.
"Don't lie in bed, hurry up, the porridge tastes better when it's hot." Ren Xiaoqi dragged me out of bed and to the dining table.
This was my first time visiting her place, a simple one-bedroom apartment with only a sofa and a dining table besides the bed. The kitchen was fully equipped with pots, pans, and bowls. I had known her for many years, but my understanding of her was superficial. I didn't even know that she could cook.
The porridge slid into the stomach, warming it up and relieving the discomfort caused by the hangover.
Ren Xiaoqi asked me: "Do you remember what happened last night?"
After waking up, I knew that everything that happened last night was not a dream, Ji Suting really appeared.
I didn't answer her with red eyes, and she said, "Forget it, I know you're suffering, but it's not easy to meet someone like Zhiwei."
I buried my head in the porridge and changed the subject: "The porridge you cooked is really delicious."
"I've been working hard for a long time. You may not know that I can cook. I'm very good at it!" She talked incessantly about her cooking history. We both tacitly agreed not to talk about feelings or Ji Suting.
I am grateful to Ren Xiaoqi for leaving me with such a memory. Ji Suting carried me on his back for a long distance, and it was very unique to say goodbye to him in this way.
Going abroad is a very troublesome thing. The school asked me to take a leave to handle everything. I thought I was capable enough to handle it easily. But when I really started to deal with it, I was at a loss for many things.
My grandmother is too old to help, and my uncle and aunt know nothing about this and cannot be relied upon. In the end, it was Cun Jiyuan who stepped forward to help me take care of everything. From preparing to leave to getting the visa to leaving, Cun Jiyuan was busy for several months. Except for occasions where he had to appear in person, he handled all other matters.
I once refused, but it was my grandmother who stopped me and said, "If you stop me, it will only make things difficult for both of you. If he wants to do it, let him do it. Consider it as compensation."
I threw myself into my grandmother's arms and cried. A year seemed too long for us, and I didn't know how long her body could last.
She patted my head and said, "Grandma will definitely wait for you to come back, and then she and your dad will go to the airport to pick you up."
"Okay." I replied with a sob.
At the end of the year, I received a notice from the school that I would be going to the UK without even having time to celebrate the New Year.
Before I left, Cun Jiyuan held a farewell party for me, but it was only for my family. I drank a little and got tipsy. After the night when Ji Suting carried me on his back, I decided not to get drunk again. I wanted to face the future soberly.
That night he called me and asked me, "When are you leaving?"
I replied, "Tomorrow."
"What time is the flight?" he asked again.
"11 o'clock in the morning." I was afraid that he would come to see me off, and I was afraid that I would miss this city even more when I saw him, so I deliberately said the flight time was an hour later. When I said this, I checked the time on the computer and found that there was indeed such a flight, so I was relieved.
Ji Suting is so perceptive that he will see through any nonsense you tell.
"I have an interview tomorrow, so I won't see you off. Take care."
"Okay." It doesn't matter if he doesn't see me off, but why did I cry when I heard him say that?
We talked a few more words, briefly, and not about love. It was like two boring people talking about boring topics, with no nutritional value.
But even such conversations are precious to me.
I'm leaving, and in this season of farewell, it's my turn.
On the way to the airport, I realized that this was the first time I left this city and went to a strange place. Cun Jiyuan was driving, and he occasionally looked at me sitting in the back seat through the rearview mirror. When he saw that I didn't look up, he opened his mouth and swallowed back the words he was about to say.
I know he has had a really hard time these days.
I was so sure that I would hate this man for the rest of my life, but in fact, my love for him coexists with my hatred. He was the father I admired and loved since I was a child. He made mistakes, but who hasn't made mistakes in their life? It was just his mistakes that indirectly caused my mother's death.
I understood a long time ago that their separation and my mother's death could not be entirely blamed on him. It's just that when people have no one to rely on, they always need a little obsession to support themselves to continue living. Hating him became my obsession and the support for my survival.
Hate is obsession, and so is love.
He helped me carry my luggage into the terminal, checked me in, and dealt with the fees for overweight luggage.
Standing outside the security check gate, he handed my boarding pass to me, his eyes slightly red, his voice choked with sobs: "Take good care of yourself when you get there. Tell me if you don't have enough money, and don't bear it. It's a strange place after all. Remember to call home if you encounter any problems. Don't be afraid to trouble us, we are a family. And...if you still don't want to talk to me, just give me..."
"I'll call you, or video chat will do." I walked up to him and hugged him gently, "Dad, thank you."
He had waited too long for this word "Dad".
I felt his body tremble, and he hugged me back stiffly, and warm liquid slid down my neck.
When they parted, he had wiped away his tears and put on a smile.
He patted my shoulder and said, "Go ahead, we'll wait for you to come back."
"Okay," I replied.
On the third day after arriving in the UK, I received a message from Ren Xiaoqi.
She said: "You deliberately told us a wrong time because you didn't want us to see you off, but you know what? I arrived early that day and I saw Ji Suting standing in the corner.
"After you turned around, Uncle Cun looked at your back and burst into tears. A man who works hard in the business world, he always faces everything with strength. Even I couldn't help crying.
"When I was leaving, I ran into Ji Suting and asked him why he didn't show up to let you know he was coming. He told me that since she didn't want me to see her off, there was no need to let her know I was coming.
"Zhiwei, I envy you so much. I envy you for having such a father and someone who loves you so deeply. I also envy you for having a good friend like me, a lifelong friend."
Later she told me a lot of details, all in detail and in a mess. She returned to her original school and continued her classes. Her classmates were surprised at her changes, but some of them still didn't dare to approach her and provoke her. There was a little boy in the class who looked very much like Wang Zijia, and she felt extremely guilty every time she saw him.
There is also Shi Shuxia. She did everything but still couldn't stand by Ji Suting's side. Because she framed a senior schoolmate who worked in the same company as Ji Suting, her situation was exposed and now she is having a hard time in school.
Also, grandma is in good health, so I don't need to worry.
besides……
Suddenly I feel that a year is not so long. Because of the anticipation, time passes much faster.
I don’t know what everything around me will be like when I go back, but I know that those who love me still love me deeply, and that is enough.
Haruki Murakami said in "Norwegian Wood" that we, in our youth, always look into the distance unconsciously, full of longing for the road in the distance, even though it appears and disappears, full of confusion. Sometimes it feels like we are surrounded by thick fog, and only we can understand that kind of confusion and helplessness. Although I feel a little lonely, confused and helpless, I still face it bravely, because this is my youth, not someone else's, but mine.
On the road to the future, I have been surrounded by thick fog, felt confused and helpless, and lonely and helpless. It is only because of those who love me that I can face it bravely.
This is my youth, it belongs to no one else but only to the people I love.