Chapter Six 1
If I have to describe my life with a color, I think my life right now is gray.
I never knew I could be so weak and vulnerable, but now, I feel like my heart is broken, my hands are empty, and I have nothing.
After returning from Tsurugahara's birthday party, I washed my face and smiled at my pale self in the mirror. The more I smiled, the more I wanted to cry. Is this face really so annoying? The moment my fingertips touched my cheek, I felt tears welling up again.
I know that trying your best to love may not always lead to success, but why did I fail so miserably? I just liked someone and wanted to confess my love to him. It was such a simple thing, why did I end up with so many bruises?
I sat on the bed and stared at the Gundam model in my hand. The exquisite workmanship, bright colors, and the cool movements of the robot. This is the gift I worked hard to buy. I saved up money to buy it. I just wanted to give something that Tsurugahara likes to him in person. Why can't even this be done? If I don't express my feelings, can't I just give him a gift? At least my hard work in those few days won't be in vain. Thinking of this, I couldn't help crying.
“Ding Ling Ling——”
The phone on the bed rang at an inopportune time. I didn't react for a moment. It took me a while to remember that I had set the ringtone to normal mode, no longer the familiar "Subway". I smiled bitterly. It turns out that once a habit is formed, it is difficult to change.
"Hello?" I picked up the phone and found my voice was very hoarse. I rubbed my eyes and it still hurt a little. Crying really hurts the eyes. My eyes hurt, and my heart hurts even more.
"Honey, how is it? Was your confession successful?" Xiaoyi's naughty voice came from the other end of the phone.
"Xiao..." As soon as I said this word, the tears that I had been suppressing burst out all of a sudden. I was such a loser. I promised not to cry, but why did I start crying as soon as I heard Xiaoyi's voice?
"Ruya, what's wrong with you? What happened?" Xiaoyi's nervous voice kept irritating my fragile nerves, and my tears flowed even more violently.
“Woo woo…”
"Don't cry, say something, what's wrong with you?" Xiao Yi yelled anxiously.
"Xiao Yi, I...he..."
"Okay, I see you can't explain it clearly, wait at home, I'll be right over."
On a warm afternoon, I leaned on the windowsill and tearfully told my best friend about my unfortunate experience. I was talking the whole afternoon, and I was crying while talking, talking about Tsurugahara, my unsuccessful confession, the girl named Xin Xin, and my embarrassment at that time. Looking at Xiaoyi's contemptuous eyes that showed concern and comfort, I thought: in the face of friendship, love seems so fragile.
"Xiaoyi, what would I do without you?" I leaned on Xiaoyi's shoulder, sniffed and said aggrievedly.
"Just do what you have to do. I'm not a man. Do you want me to support you for the rest of your life?" Xiaoyi pushed my head and said helplessly.
Alas, does this girl know what is sentimental? Such a warm scene was broken by her in such a depressing way.
I lay in bed and looked at the sky outside the window. I thought I was not suitable for love. I didn't know anything. I knew nothing except that I liked that person. I thought that was enough. To love someone means to treat him well with all your heart. Am I not doing enough?
"You!" Xiaoyi shook her head and wiped my tear-stained face with a tissue. "I told you, there must be a lot of people who like him. What's the point of crying now? You didn't even give away the gift you worked so hard to buy. It's so embarrassing!"
I know I am ashamed and useless. I like him, want to be good to him, want to give him the things he likes, want to see his smile all the time, these are all I want. After Xiaoyi said this, I cried even harder.
"Hmph! We must not let that girl named Xin Xin go next time we meet. She bullied my Ruya so blatantly, we must not let her go! Well, let's just take this as a lesson." Xiao Yi sighed.
"Well, he already has someone he likes anyway." I felt that my voice was so soft that even I couldn't hear it.
If Adam and Eve had not eaten the fruit in the Garden of Eden, they would never know the existence of love in this world, and would never know the sadness and confusion caused by love. In the past, I only knew that I liked that person, and I would be satisfied as long as I could follow him and watch him quietly. But now, I am so confused that I don’t know whether I should believe in my feelings. I feel so tired of loving, and my heart is so tired. I really want to sleep like this, never wake up, and never face reality.
"Ge Ruya, what's wrong with you? You're late again. This is the second time this month. Don't you want to study anymore?" The head teacher's voice buzzed above my head, as if it came from another world. It sounded so ethereal. "Starting tomorrow, your cleaning time will be extended by one week, and you will also be responsible for cleaning the playground."
On the morning of the new week, I was drowned in the roar of my head teacher. He yelled at me very loudly in front of the whole class, and the words he said were very excessive. The funny thing is that I didn't react at all. I was numb and didn't even have the strength to struggle. I didn't want to argue, and I didn't even want to talk to anyone. The term "dead heart" probably describes my current state.
After returning to my seat, I lay on the table, not able to muster any energy. The teacher's words became a rhythmless buzz in my ears. I might as well go to sleep. Maybe when I fall asleep, I won't have to think about anything, and I'll feel better.
Thinking like this, I slowly closed my eyes. In front of me was an endless darkness. I felt like I was sinking into the deepest part of the ocean, feeling the oppression and the endless darkness. In that darkness, there was a faint light, and in that light there was a familiar shadow. I swam desperately towards that light, but it was so far away from me. The closer I got, the farther the shadow got. No matter how I swam, I could not get close to that shadow.
"Ruya, what's wrong with you?" Someone touched my arm gently. I opened my eyes and met Xiaoyi's concerned gaze.
"Um?"
"Why are you crying?" she asked worriedly.
I reached out and touched my face. My hands were wet. I smiled bitterly. Am I crying even in my dreams? Can't I escape even in my dreams?
I looked up and saw the teacher still lecturing hard at the podium, but I couldn't hear a word he said.
I lay weakly on the table, my eyes were dull and my mind was absent-minded. But for some reason, I always felt that there was a pair of eyes staring at me from behind.
"Oh, the class is finally over. Chinese class is so boring." Along with this exaggerated voice, someone had already sat down next to me and unconsciously reached out to fiddle with the pencil case on my desk.
Today, Ruiqing has regained his former vigor and vitality, and it seems that his illness has completely recovered. I didn't raise my head, still lying there quietly with my head buried in my arms.
"Dear Ge Ruya, what's in my love lunch box today? Let me think about it. Is it my favorite salmon or rice balls with fermented rice wine?"
"Isn't it shrimp? That's my favorite."
"Hey, Ge Ruya, what's wrong with you? Why aren't you talking? Did you prepare some mysterious gift for me?" Seeing that I didn't answer, someone lacked patience and began to reach out and pull my arm.
"I'm sorry, I didn't prepare a lunch box today." I said in a muffled voice with my head down, "I, I'm very busy, and maybe I won't have time to prepare it in the future." I tried my best to make my voice sound calmer and tried hard to control my emotions that were about to explode.
"Aren't you afraid that I will tell that person your secret?" Ruiqing said with a smile, fiddling with the pencil in his hand, "Tell that Tsurugahara that you like him, haha!"
"I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid of anything now!" The tears that I had been holding back suddenly flowed out. I raised my head and yelled at Ruiqing, as if I wanted to yell out all my grievances. "I'm not afraid of anything. What else do I have to be afraid of? I've made so many fools of myself and been laughed at by so many people. What else do I have to be afraid of!"
After yelling all these words in one breath, I felt like my throat was stuck and I suddenly wanted to laugh, and then I really laughed. Who said that if you can't cry, you can only laugh? So I smiled and said, "I'm already so unlucky, what else do I have to be afraid of? I have nothing left, so I'm not afraid of anything."
"Ruiqing, stop talking. Ruya is already feeling bad enough." Xiaoyi pushed Ruiqing away and glared at him.
"Ruya, you..." Ruiqing stood there in a daze as if he was frightened by me.
"What am I? I am nothing! I am just a ridiculous clown!" After saying that, I ran out without looking back. I didn't want to stay there anymore. They were all laughing at me. Everyone was laughing at me, laughing at me for being stupid and overestimating my own abilities. Woohoo... My heart hurt so much that I could hardly breathe.
Why? Am I really wrong? I just like someone, why do you treat me like this? Why are you laughing at me? Is liking someone something to be laughed at? I felt a suffocating pain in my chest, and my heart was broken into pieces.
After school, I dragged my heavy feet and walked forward step by step. There were so many people on the road after school, but I was alone.
The sky seemed to be laughing at me, as it began to rain. The cold raindrops hitting my face were as cold and painful as hitting my heart. My haggard and embarrassed figure was reflected on the window glass of the teaching building. It seemed that I had been so embarrassed since I met that person.
