In this world, there is no such thing as being unable to live without someone.
What exists is just self-deception.

I once felt that all the misfortunes in the world happened to me.
I still think so now.
After a messy April, the uncertain May arrived as expected. I spent the days without Yan Wenbo listlessly, and each day became more and more tormenting.
After hearing about my failure in applying for poverty scholarships, Cun Jiyuan called me and told me that he had enough money to support me through college and told me not to worry and not to do thankless tasks. More importantly, he didn't want me to be tired of these things every day and feel bad. If he had time, he still hoped to sit down and have a meal with me. Nothing else, just sit down and have a meal together.
I asked him what happened between him and that woman?
He said he gave him some money and then they dispersed.
I asked him why he didn't give a sum of money to my mother before divorcing her, just like he did to this woman?
He sighed and said, some things are not what I see.
I asked him what it was like? Since it's not what I saw, then tell me what you experienced!
He sighed again, avoided the topic, said a few more meaningless words and then hung up the phone. It was another unpleasant end.
During this period of time, everything about me and around me seemed to end with these four words, and not a single one was joyful.
Yan Wenbo stopped working at the coffee shop after breaking up with Ji Suting, so I was the only one who went there alone every day. Xiao Chen once asked me tentatively if we had broken up, but I didn't know how to answer.
Are we breaking up?
Maybe, maybe not.
We didn't say the word break up face to face, but we were in a cold war for a long time.
But which couple can maintain their original mentality and continue to get along after such a long cold war ?
Shi Shuxia, who had been miserable for a long time, asked me a question. She said, "Zhiwei, if I don't take the initiative to talk to you, will we always be strangers?"
I don’t know, I said to myself as I looked at her.
There are too many doubts and estrangements between us. I don’t know if my belief this time will lead to my going against my belief next time, and I don’t know if all this is just my imagination.
When people are unsure whether they will be hurt, they will subconsciously avoid being hurt. Keeping a distance from Shi Shuxia is one of my ways to avoid being hurt.
Shi Shuxia and I stood quietly beside the desk. I recalled the days when we were arm in arm and were very good sisters. I recalled the days when we sat on the bed together watching idol dramas and argued over who was more handsome, the lead male or the second male lead. I recalled... I still cannot believe that she did all that, but many things are connected together, and I can't help but believe it.
Both the scholarship incident and everything that happened later planted the seeds of doubt in my heart.
Whenever I think about my best friend since I came to A University becoming distant from me, I feel very sad but also find it very funny. If even Shi Shuxia is going to betray me in this world, how many people can I trust?
"Can we talk?" she asked tentatively, tears falling.
I nodded reluctantly, then took out two tissues and handed them to her.
She looked at me with some gratitude and said, "Zhiwei, you are really a very important friend to me. You are my first and best friend since I went to college."
I have thought about the scenes of talking with Shi Shuxia many times, but never once did she burst into tears like this. In my impression, she is a gentle but stubborn girl who will never cry easily. Usually, she looks miserable and just looks aggrieved, but never really cries. Seeing her crying in front of me, I really can't bear it.
In the past, when I was sad, Shi Shuxia was always by my side. No matter whether I was crying, making a fuss, keeping silent or doing anything else, she would accompany me out of the haze and see the sunshine again without any complaints.
I couldn't help but wonder if I was blinded by the rumors and really misunderstood her.
There have been so many things happening during this period of time that I have never seriously thought about whether someone is trying to sow discord.
Looking at her tears, I felt a little guilty.
"Zhiwei, are you willing to listen to my explanation?" She was still crying in grievance. I already believed her for the most part without her explaining.
I nodded and pulled a chair over for her to sit next to me.
"I know that after the scholarship incident, all the blame was directed at me. Everyone was saying that it was me who spread the news, that I deliberately framed Cun Zhiwei, that I designed all this, that I... There are so many accusations like this, I don't know how to explain, and I don't know how to prove it. I know that I didn't do these things, so how can I prove it? Find out who is behind it? I tried to find it, and I also tried to ask the teacher in the security room to let me watch the surveillance to find out who went into the teacher's office and knew about your application submission. I went there several times but was stopped and finally threatened that if I went again, I would report it to the school. I want to know the truth, but I'm also afraid that the school will think I have something to hide and give me a warning after knowing it. You know, my family is not well off, I can't not get a diploma because of this, I really can't do it." She grabbed my hand and looked at me, her eyes seemed to say, you also come from a poor family, you must understand me, right?
I nodded subconsciously.
"You know what? When your story was just solved, I was so happy to find you to celebrate, but you suddenly became distant from me. Sometimes I took the initiative to say hello to you, but you were always lukewarm. I knew you must have been affected by the rumors, and I thought you just needed to think it through. After all, our relationship is so good, as long as you think it through, we will definitely be able to reconcile. But..." She lowered her head and tears fell again, "But you became more and more cold to me, and even attributed some coincidences to me. I'm really sad, so sad."
She should be talking about the time when she and Xu Meng'er appeared in front of Yan Wenbo and me!
Faced with her tears, my heart softened. I no longer believed that a girl like her would do such things, and I no longer believed those deliberately instigated rumors.
There is no impenetrable wall in this world. Why do I have to believe that there must be no such thing and that it must have been done by the only person who knew about it?
Maybe it's true that once you start to waver, it's hard to be firm again.
"Zhiwei, we can go back to the way we were before, right?" She grabbed my arm, tears streaming down her face. "Believe me, I never did those things. I never did anything to hurt you, really. I always think of you as my best friend, and that has never changed. Zhiwei, please believe me, okay?"
“I…I…”
"If you don't believe me, I can swear that if I lie to you, I will never find the person I love in this life. If I lie to you, I will never have a good ending in the future." She raised her finger to the lamp and swore. I reached out to stop her, but she had already finished the curse.
"I'm sorry." Seeing her like this, I couldn't hold on any longer. I hugged her and started crying too. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have doubted you. I knew you were such a gentle person. How could you do such a thing? But... too many things happened during this period of time. I couldn't find an outlet to vent my anger, so I took it out on you. I'm sorry..."
We hugged each other and cried. After we talked it out, we realized that we were much sadder than we thought. We have been very careful in getting along with each other these days, for fear of provoking the other person to have an emotional breakdown and making things out of control. We are also afraid that if we can't help asking, the result will be even more disappointing to ourselves.
Now I don’t have to worry anymore, I hugged her and cried and laughed.
"So hypocritical." Xu Meng'er, who was putting on makeup, stood up and changed her clothes. She sneered as she passed by us. "I never thought that besides soap operas, there would be such a deep sisterly love in real life. It's really eye-opening."
"Xu Meng'er, just because you don't have friends doesn't mean others don't have friends. Is it necessary to be so sarcastic?" Shi Shuxia turned around and said to her.
"I really don't want a friend like you." Xu Meng'er rolled her eyes and went out happily.
She was always very happy these days. After Shi Shuxia and I reconciled, we sat on the bed and chatted and wondered if Xu Meng'er had a boyfriend recently, so she often dressed up and went out happily. Would she keep her secret relationship if she had a boyfriend? It didn't seem like her style.
Speaking of love, we naturally talk about Yan Wenbo and I. Shi Shuxia asked me, "Are you and Yan Wenbo going to continue the cold war? Zhiwei, I always feel that the cold war can't solve the problem. Avoiding blindly will only make the relationship between you cooler and cooler, and finally it will be irreparable."
I buried my head in my knees. Of course I knew all these things. I had tried, but after hitting a snag, I no longer had the courage to look for him again and again.
"Yan Wenbo is so good to you, you can't keep wasting time like this because of misunderstanding. If you really like him, take the initiative to find him again. If it still doesn't work this time, then you can give up." Shi Shuxia said.
How many people can you meet in your life who you like and who also like you, especially when this person is so kind to you. I am so lucky to have met Yan Wenbo, I can't just let it go like this, I will regret it for a long time.
That night I lay in bed tossing and turning, thinking back to everything that had happened since Yan Wenbo and I met, and I was unwilling to give up just like that.
If you can easily give up on someone you like, then it can't be said that you like him or her.
I like him and I don't want to give up.
I got up with two big dark circles under my eyes after not sleeping all night. Shi Shuxia was shocked to see me. As smart as she was, she immediately understood why I didn't sleep well and didn't ask any more questions. She patted my shoulder and got out of bed to wash up.
Xu Meng'er's bed was empty as she did not come home last night again.
I sat on the bed in a daze. After a long while, I picked up my phone and sent a text message to Yan Wenbo, saying, "I think we should have a good chat. I don't want to give up this relationship yet."
He quickly replied: "See you later? At the coffee shop?"
"See you at the coffee shop at 11 o'clock." I breathed a sigh of relief after sending this message. I was so afraid that he didn't want to see me, and I was so afraid that he would continue to be in a cold war with me and never solve the problem. Fortunately, he didn't.
"You have an appointment?" Shi Shuxia came out after washing up and saw my relaxed expression and immediately understood me. She joked with me, "If you make up, don't forget to treat me to a meal. Yan Wenbo has been dating you for so long and he hasn't treated me yet. I am very unhappy."
"You only care about eating. Think about how you would comfort me if we break up accidentally!" This relationship is full of too many unknowns. I am not sure whether the meeting soon will be a joy or a sorrow.
"Don't be such a pessimist." Shi Shuxia pouted several times in a row. "Yan Wenbo likes you so much, how could he break up with you? You are the one who is confused by the situation."
I was silent for a long time and asked her softly: "Have you ever liked anyone?"
"I did." She turned her head and looked out the window. The sun was bright and sunny outside. "But he didn't like me, so I gave up."
Her voice was filled with sadness and her eyes were long and distant, as if the person she loved deeply was standing behind the glass. The boy she loved so much must be very outstanding, and he must be the happiest person in the world.
Looking at Shi Shuxia like this, I didn't ask her what the person she liked looked like, for fear of disrupting her thoughts and her longing.
"Go, go and pursue your happiness!" She turned her head to look at me, smiling with the corners of her mouth raised, so gently.
Perhaps only when you think of someone can you feel such extreme brilliance and tenderness!
This morning, I put in all my effort to dress myself up beautifully. I wanted to appear in front of Yan Wenbo with a brand new attitude and tell him that this is a new me, a me who only likes him. I also hope that he can always love me as much as I like him.
Shi Shuxia said that what I said was difficult to understand, I smiled and said it was good as long as you could understand it. I was not cut out for studying literature and was only suitable for painting.
I walked out with Shi Shuxia's blessing and a feeling of uneasiness. When I reached the school gate, I bumped into someone head-on. I hurriedly tried to apologize, but when I looked up, I saw a familiar face. I shouted, "Li Chongyang?"
We never saw each other again after Ren Xiaoqi's incident. The occasional WeChat messages were just simple and polite questions about how I was doing recently, whether I had a fight with my boyfriend, etc. We didn't communicate much. I'm not sure if he bumped into me at the entrance of our school on purpose or by chance.
"Cun... Cun Zhiwei, why... why are you here?" He took two steps back in panic, and when he saw me, he was as if he had seen a terrible monster.
"I'm a student of A University. What's so strange about me being here? On the contrary, why are you here? Are you waiting for someone?" I had a feeling from his flickering eyes that the person he was waiting for was me, or he was hesitating at the door whether to go find me, and then happened to meet me who was just going out.
Whether it is the former or the latter, we need to talk about it.
At that time, I didn't think the matter was too serious. I thought that Li Chongyang was looking for me just because of the things that happened in high school, either Ren Xiaoqi or a class reunion. No matter how serious the matter was, there was always a way to solve it.
"Um... Zhiwei... I suddenly remembered that I have something else to do. I'll leave first. Bye!" He thought about it and turned to leave, but I grabbed him.
"What is it that you want to tell me? Don't hide it, just say it directly." I really can't stand this kind of dithering. Once something happens, you have to know it even if you don't say it, it's just a matter of time.
"I...I like Xu Meng'er..." he suddenly said to me loudly.
I rubbed my ears that were hurt by his shock, and said with a smile: "Why are you still so hesitant about this matter? If you like her, just go after her. But Xu Meng'er seems to have a boyfriend, so your chances are not very high. You should be prepared to fail."
He lowered his head and remained silent. When he looked up at me again, his eyes were misty.
In May in the south, the temperature was already over 30 degrees. I stood in the sun in short sleeves, feeling as if I were falling into an icy cave. Shouldn't summer be bright and sunny? Shouldn't summer be happy and prosperous? Shouldn't it be...
What should it be like? Is it love? It should be a love that does not belong to me.
Li Chongyang’s next words made me fall into hell. We stood there, never knowing what would happen tomorrow, nor what actually happened yesterday.
He told me that he fell in love with Xu Meng'er at first sight. He liked girls like Xu Meng'er who were as fiery as fire, who were brilliant and beautiful but could actually burn themselves.
I have heard and encountered the term love at first sight many times in recent days, for me to Ji Suting, Yan Wenbo to me, Li Chongyang to Xu Menger...
Li Chongyang said that he was not good at talking. Even if he liked Xu Meng'er, he didn't know how to express his feelings, let alone how to show his affection. Most of the time, he watched her from a distance, like a stalker who was not willing to see the light. It was because of this that he saw some things that he shouldn't have seen.
When I heard him say this, I had a bad feeling and my heart began to conflict. I wanted to continue listening, but I was also afraid of the upcoming outcome.
He didn't know what was going on in my mind. Perhaps because he was nervous, he spoke very quickly, as if he wanted to blurt out all the bad memories at once. If he said them out, he would feel relieved, and everything would go in a good direction.
During the time that Li Chongyang was following Xu Meng'er, he saw Xu Meng'er go to a hotel with a boy and come out early the next morning. At first, he didn't know who the boy was, but he felt sad, sad that he didn't confess his feelings earlier, sad that his goddess slept with someone else. One time when he went out, he saw the two of them shopping together, and he heard Xu Meng'er call the boy Wenbo, and he remembered that my boyfriend was called Yan Wenbo.
To confirm, he tried to step forward and say hello, pretending to mention the name Cun Zhiwei unintentionally. Xu Meng'er and Yan Wenbo were both panicked, and the smiles disappeared from their faces, instantly filled with dark clouds. He knew that was undoubtedly my boyfriend.
What did Xu Meng'er say when she went out last night? Those plots in soap operas that you thought would never happen in real life happened to me. My roommate climbed into his bed when my boyfriend and I were in a cold war. Or maybe they were attracted to each other and I was cuckolded.
So is it Yan Wenbo who has been the one who has allowed Xu Meng'er to go out on dates happily during this period?
I closed my eyes, and time seemed to go back to the afternoon when he confessed his love to me. His smile was so bright, just like the sunshine today. The boy who put his arm around my shoulders, smiled and blushed slightly, his eyes were full of love when he looked at me. I could even smell the faint scent of laundry detergent on him.
Such brilliance and intimacy will never happen again!
"Zhiwei, I've been struggling for a long time over whether to tell you about this. Actually, I think... maybe nothing happened between them that night. They just..." Li Chongyang stopped talking abruptly.
"Just lying in bed and sleeping?" I laughed. "If it were you, would you believe this excuse?"
He shook his head.
When we went out, Shi Shuxia asked me to bring a parasol. She said the Internet said today was the hottest day of the year, but at this moment my heart was already chilled.
I stood in the sun in a daze, feeling the people coming and going around me, not knowing where to go.
The phone vibrated, and Yan Wenbo sent a message: "I 'm here, waiting for you."
"Zhiwei, maybe I was mistaken. That person is not your boyfriend. You should confirm it yourself!" Li Chongyang said in a low voice.
Yes, I forced myself to cheer up. I had misunderstood Shi Shuxia's matter once before, so I had to confirm it again.
After saying goodbye to Li Chongyang, I quickly sent a text message to Yan Wenbo saying that I would be there soon.
Along the way, I was thinking about how true this matter was. Based on my understanding of Li Chongyang, he would not lie, but Yan Wenbo is not someone who would cheat easily. What the truth is can only be confirmed after seeing it.
I hope that the boy I love will give me an answer that will allow me to continue loving him. This is all I can pray to God for.