By the time I got to the coffee shop, I was already late.
Yan Wenbo sat by the window, supporting his head with his left hand and looking out the window. The bright sunlight shone on his face. I couldn't see the expression on his face. I could only see a bright light and the blurry face behind the light.
I stood at the door hesitantly, wondering whether I should go in and what to say after I went in. Yan Wenbo suddenly turned around, our eyes touched in the air, I nodded at him, pushed the door open and walked in.
A cup of coffee was quickly placed in front of me, Xiao Chen winked at me, made a "come on" gesture and left. Sitting opposite Yan Wenbo, I was a little at a loss, holding the coffee cup in my hand, not knowing where to put it.
He put his hand in mine and held it gently, looking at me with the same affectionate eyes as before we had our quarrel.
I really didn't want to believe that what happened between him and Xu Meng'er was true. I could only repeat to myself over and over again, Yan Wenbo, please don't let me down.
He looked straight at me, with the corners of his mouth slightly raised. After looking at me for about ten seconds, he suddenly said, "Weiwei, let's make peace. Let's not quarrel anymore, okay?"
I was stunned for a second, not knowing whether to nod or shake my head.
Without Li Chongyang's words, I might have nodded without hesitation, explained all the misunderstandings to him, and then happily took his hand and went back to school together. With this obstacle, there was a thorn in my heart, which made me breathless.
"These days, I miss you all the time, and miss your smiles and frowns in front of me, but my heart is conflicted. I am afraid that all your beauty is not for me to see, after all, the first person you like is Ji Su Ting. Do you know? It's like there are angels and demons fighting in my mind, one asking me to take the initiative to find you, and the other asking me not to find you. I have secretly visited you several times, watching you come out of the classroom alone from a distance, going to eat alone and returning to the dormitory. I feel so distressed that I want to rush up and hug you immediately. But I dare not, I am afraid that you will suddenly tell me that you don't like me anymore and you want to break up with me." He held my hand tighter and continued, "I like you so much, and I am also so afraid of losing you. I know I was wrong, and I have talked to Su Ting. I know the extent of my misunderstanding and hurt of you during this period. The clearer I am, the more afraid I am to take this step. Weiwei, I really miss you so much. I finally understand why every girlfriend before said that I didn't love her. I finally understand what it feels like to love someone. Weiwei, don't break up with me, give me another chance, okay?"
Very sweet words of love, very touching love, but I feel like laughing when I hear them.
If I asked him "What's going on between you and Xu Meng'er", how would he answer me?
I once thought that I had found a love that was mutually congenial, that I could love boldly and unrestrainedly, and that I could be together forever. But Cun Zhiwei, you are destined not to be qualified for happiness.
"Weiwei, are you still angry with me? You can hit me and scold me, I just hope you won't break up with me and give me another chance to continue loving you and treating you well. I swear, I will do my best to treat you well and make you the happiest girl in the world." He said this solemnly, and it sounded more and more like a joke.
"Where is Xu Meng'er? Who is she?" After enduring for a long time, I finally asked.
He was silent for a long time, so long that I felt that the world had changed.
Yan Wenbo, if you deny it, I will believe you. If you tell me that you have nothing to do with Xu Meng'er, I will believe you.
At this moment, I happened to forget that of all his advantages, my favorite one was his straightforwardness and the fact that he didn't like to tell lies. Now I just hoped that he would tell a lie to deceive me.
I looked at Yan Wenbo, and his grip on my hand loosened a little. I knew that he was in a dilemma, and his angel and devil were arguing again. I also knew that he would tell me the truth in the end. The so-called entanglement was just that he still had some feelings for me, some feelings that I didn't know when they dissipated in the enchantment of Xu Meng'er.
I lowered my head and smiled bitterly at my "smooth road". Maybe it's just like what the boys in the class said, men always like some "something".
"Weiwei, I'm sorry."
It’s not “Why do you know?”, it’s not “There is nothing going on between us”, it’s not the elaborate explanation, nor the gentle comfort, but I’m sorry.
The boy in front of me said sorry to me because of another girl.
"Do you love her? Or, do you like her very much?" I thought I would cry, make a fuss, and even break down after knowing the truth, but I was unexpectedly calm.
We sat face to face, discussing other people's cheating as if we were ordinary friends. I felt bitter and sad, and the feeling of not being able to shed a single tear was more painful than crying loudly.
The boy I like, he looked at me with a tear falling from his eye, he kept saying to me: "Weiwei, I'm sorry."
As if he had rehearsed it many times, he laid out everything about himself and Xu Meng'er in front of me. I listened quietly, and every word broke my heart.
Their relationship started with a drunken sex. At a birthday party for a mutual friend, Yan Wenbo got drunk because of my affairs. After Xu Meng'er helped him leave, she took him to a room and slept with him. They were inseparable. When he woke up the next day, he didn't remember anything. Xu Meng'er said it was just a one-night stand and told him not to take it to heart. She wouldn't pester him.
At the beginning, he didn't want to have too much contact with Xu Meng'er, after all, she was my roommate. But that woman was like poison, always having different ways to make him come out, and the first time he came out, there would be a second time, and then a third and fourth time... But he swore that they only slept together on the first night, and never at other times.
"Yan Wenbo, when I mentioned Xu Meng'er's name, I was prepared for the worst." I looked at him, neither happy nor sad. When the pain reaches a certain level, I will become numb, almost ruthless numbness. "During this period of time, during the period of our cold war, every time I saw Xu Meng'er dressed herself up beautifully and went out happily, I would wonder what kind of boyfriend she had to be so happy. Sometimes I would be jealous. Why did my boyfriend leave without listening to my explanation, and even refused to look back on his own initiative. Later, I comforted myself that everyone has their own way of interpreting happiness. Honey to one person may be poison to another. What she wants may not be what I want. It was not until today that I realized that we wanted the same thing. While you were indifferent to me, you gave all your smiles to her."
"Weiwei, it's not like that. She has been the one who has been looking for me all along. I have never taken the initiative to look for her. You are the one I love the most, and that has never changed." He grabbed my hand in panic and explained, his words were so pale.
He couldn't say anything other than "I love you", and he didn't even have an explanation that could convince himself.
"Love me? To love me means not seeing me when I look for you? To love me means sleeping with my roommates and going shopping? To love me means you keep saying the three words "I love you" but actually keep cutting my heart with a knife? Is this the way you love me?" I looked at him, as if standing on an endless grassland, with the wind blowing from all directions. I was like a sieve, letting the wind pass through me. "Before I came here, I told myself that I can't let go of a boy who is really good to me. Even if I have to be humble today, I have to keep him by my side."
"You don't need to be humble. As long as you nod, I will stay by your side forever. Really, I'm serious." Yan Wenbo sat down next to me excitedly. He held my hand tightly, and the edges of his fingertips turned slightly white. "Weiwei, give me a chance. Believe me, I will never let you down again."
"Yan Wenbo, let me go!" I'm really tired.
"I won't let go, Cun Zhiwei, tell me you won't leave me! Tell me!" He became even more excited, and his voice became louder.
"Let me go, I'm really tired." I couldn't break free from his grip, so I simply stopped wasting my energy and let him hold me. I didn't even frown even though it hurt.
Is there any pain that could be greater than the pain I feel right now?
He held me in his arms and refused to let go.
"Cun Zhiwei, I won't let you go. I know that once I let you go, you will really leave. I was wrong, I'm sorry, Weiwei, I'm sorry, I was really wrong. Please don't leave me, please don't leave me, okay? I promise that I will treat you better than before, and I will make you a happy person, no longer sad or upset, I also promise..." As he said this, he choked up and leaned on my shoulder, crying "woooo woooo" like a child.
In the end, Yan Wenbo accepted the reality that we had broken up. His only request was that we walk together for the last time, go back to school together, and then we go our separate ways and have nothing to do with each other anymore.
When I left Ji Suting, my heart was tortured to death, and now Yan Wenbo put it on the guillotine and cut it in half. He always compared himself with Ji Suting, and always felt that Ji Suting was much more important than him in my eyes. If he asked me now which separation was more painful, I would say today.
This road seemed to be as long as a century. We were silent, helpless, sad and desperate. Hell and heaven were separated by a thin line. I looked at him, and it was as if all the energy had been sucked out of me, leaving only a shell.
"I'm going back. Goodbye."
The last section of our journey was to the girls’ dormitory building. I waved goodbye to him and went upstairs without looking back.
Standing in the shadow of the window and looking down, he leaned against the tree, lit a cigarette, took a puff, coughed violently, and then took another puff, the smoke entering his lungs.
After seeing him leave, I went downstairs alone, found a corner and squatted against the wall, covering my mouth very hard to prevent my crying from being heard.
Why? Why? Why?
I don't know how many evil things I did in my previous life, which led to such a rough life in this life. I thought I had won the love of the best boy in the world, and I would devote my whole life to repay him, but it was just what I thought.
I spent a lot of effort to adjust my mood and cover up the traces of my crying.
When I returned to the dormitory, Xu Meng'er was sitting on the bed happily painting her nails. When she saw me come back, she looked up and glanced at me with a smile.
I didn't say much, I just went back to bed and lay quietly, crying silently.
No matter how many fights I have with her, it can't change the fact that Yan Wenbo and I have broken up, nor can it change the reality that they have slept together. So why not just leave it at that!
Grow up overnight, grow old overnight.
After breaking up with Yan Wenbo, I thought I would be sad for a while, but I wasn't. The next day, I went to class and work in high spirits, continuing my life of going to school, going to school and going to work, which was no different from before we fell in love.
Xiao Chen asked me tentatively what happened that afternoon. How could we end up breaking up when we were clearly reconciled? I just smiled and didn't answer. There are not so many absolutes in this world. There is no absolute reconciliation, nor is there an absolute breakup.
She asked me, since there is no absolute, will you reconcile?
No.
After leaving Yan Wenbo, I felt like a person walking in a tunnel where I didn't know when the light would appear. I just kept walking and walking, moving forward, and I couldn't stop even if my legs were weak or my feet were sore.
The days after the breakup were actually the most relaxing days I had since I entered college. I didn’t know why I could face the breakup so calmly, and face the news that Xu Meng'er, who was next to me, had intervened between me and Yan Wenbo as a third party.
Shi Shuxia also asked me to verify the truth of this matter, but I didn't tell her. I just said that we broke up and the two of us had nothing to do with each other. I have no right to ask who Yan Wenbo is with. As for whether it was a third party, I have no evidence and I don't know.
I don't want her to argue with Xu Meng'er over my affairs. If this kind of thing gets blown out of proportion, only the onlookers will be happy. There's no need to make yourself upset!
There is always gain in loss. Although I lost my relationship, my academic performance was surprisingly smooth. I unexpectedly won the first place in the school design competition. In addition to receiving a considerable bonus, I was recommended by the teacher to represent the school in the national design competition. My partner was Ji Suting.
I was a little surprised when I saw him. It seemed like we hadn't seen each other for a long time. During this period, gossip about us was occasionally mentioned, but it was interesting that the protagonists of the gossip had never met each other!
"Long time no see." Ji Suting took the initiative to greet him. "I didn't expect that we would become a team. I hope that you can work harder and keep up with the progress. Don't hold us back!"
"I'm actually worried that the seniors can't keep up with the thinking of the talented juniors!" I refuted mercilessly.
"Really? I'm actually looking forward to it!" Ji Suting replied with a smile.
"Since you are looking forward to it, let's get started. Let me see the strength of my junior sister." Ji Suting took out the promotional documents of this competition for me to refer to, and by the way, he conceived the design theme according to the requirements of the competition.
The two speculators were discussing animatedly, and before they knew it, it was dark.
"Would you like to have dinner together?" Ji Suting suggested.
I shook my head firmly: "No! Following Ji Suting will always be the focus. I just want to be a quiet little princess now and don't want to be the focus of everyone's attention."
"Suddenly I realized that you are a little different from the you in my impression. The you in my impression seems..." He was struggling to find a word to describe me.
"More beautiful? Okay, okay, I get it. Senior, you don't have to compliment me in different ways. Even if I do, I won't hold back when I criticize your design." I understand what he means. When I liked him before, I would never be so relaxed in front of him. I was always reserved and shy. If I have to make a metaphor, I was more like a budding flower in front of him before, but now I am completely blooming. Because I have no desire, I don't need to cover up or pretend anymore.
Thinking about it this way, I am more suitable for Yan Wenbo.
Thinking of Yan Wenbo, my heart began to ache uncontrollably again.
Maybe I missed someone too much, and when I walked out of the activity room, I seemed to have an illusion and saw Yan Wenbo.
"Go!" Ji Suting said to me.
"Since when did you become a part-time matchmaker?" I joked with him, but couldn't help but walk in front of Yan Wenbo.
I haven't seen him for a while. He has lost a lot of weight and has a green stubble on his chin. He looked at me with his tired eyes full of red bloodshot.
As a friend of many years, Ji Suting couldn't bear it, so he did something that went against his character.
During this period, I have heard more or less about him. He drank all night, played games all night, skipped many classes, and was warned by teachers many times... Xu Meng'er became much more haggard because of this. She would often stare at me in a daze, and when I noticed her, she would turn her head away stiffly and say nothing.
"How...have you been lately?" he asked me, his voice hoarse and a little vicissitudes of life.
"I'm doing fine. I eat and sleep as I should . I've gained several pounds and won a small prize some time ago. Now I have the opportunity to participate in a national competition. If I can win another prize this time, maybe I can go to the UK as an exchange student. That would be the peak of my life." When we were in love, we would often curl up on the sofa in a coffee shop and watch that low-budget homemade web drama and laugh like two idiots, occasionally reciting a line from it.
“That’s really nice,” he said.
“You also have to be good, live a good life, and study hard, so that you can become a CEO and reach the pinnacle of life like me.” I smiled, but I knew that smile must be uglier than crying.
"If...if I reach the peak of my life like you, do we still have a chance?" he asked.
"Yan Wenbo, have you forgotten? Xu Meng'er and I are roommates. I know exactly when she goes out and when she comes back. Even if she doesn't leave with a smile every day, I can tell from her expression whether the person she is about to meet is you." I grinned and almost cried, "It's not that I don't give you a chance, it's that you never gave me a chance."
"Weiwei, I really can't forget you." Yan Wenbo wanted to move forward, and I took a step back to avoid any further physical contact with him.
"Thank you for always thinking about me. This makes me feel that I am still a good girl." When she lowered her head, her eyes were wet, and when she raised her head, her eyes were distant. I also admit that I have not completely forgotten this boy. I am trying hard, and I also hope that he can try hard to forget. No matter who is around him in the future, Xu Meng'er, Li Meng'er, Zhang Meng'er...it will never be Cun Zhiwei.
I didn't tell Yan Wenbo that I still had a glimmer of hope when we broke up. If he could completely break up with Xu Meng'er, I would choose to forgive him again.
Thinking back to the past Yan Wenbo, he once gave a girl named Weiwei the ultimate love in the world, making her think that she deserved happiness. But all of this was destroyed by his own hands, leaving nothing behind.
"Weiwei." When I turned to leave, he rushed up and hugged me, gently, as carefully as if he was holding a feather, afraid that one deep breath would make the person float away.
I wanted to struggle, but he whispered in my ear, "Weiwei, let me hold you for a while, for the last time, for the last time."
A hot and wet liquid fell between my shoulders and neck and flowed down along my collarbone.
I finally broke away from him, turned my back to him and said, "Yan Wenbo, it's over, it's over. Don't give yourself unnecessary hope."
I don’t know what Yan Wenbo thought after he saw my resolute back. He never contacted me again after that day. I got the result I wanted, and it was completely over.
How many of those who once said they couldn't live without someone have passed away? Those who should be passionate are still passionate, and those who should be indifferent are still just getting by.
There is no such thing in this world that you cannot live if you lose something. What exists is just self-deception.