How much pain and struggle, tears and bitterness does a person have to go through from birth to growing up?
We grow from a little kid to a person who knows how to suppress all unhappy things in his heart and never tell others about them. Perhaps what supports us is faith and dreams.
Because of faith, we can face any setbacks and hardships with a smile.
Because I have dreams, I want to live longer and longer.
In this way, the possibility of realizing your dreams becomes infinite.
But if one day a person's faith is destroyed, then what will become of that person?
I felt disheartened, as if everyone in the world was my enemy, lonely, desperate and in pain - these were all the feelings that came to my mind when I failed to protect my mother's last dance dress.
So what is Shen Xiaoxi's mood now?
But when I think about it, what happens to Shen Xiaoxi seems to have nothing to do with me.
After the celebration, Xia Nuo went back with an apologetic look on his face, probably because he felt that it was his responsibility that Shen Xiaoxi behaved so out of control on the stage.
Luo Yuxin didn't speak to me. When she passed by me, she completely treated me as a transparent person.
There were some things I wanted to ask her, but when I saw her like that, I couldn't bring myself to ask.
Shu Nian and I walked all the way to the flower bed outside my house. After a long silence, I finally couldn't help but speak: "Do you remember what you promised me before the celebration?"
"Ask me, I can tell you the answer to anything you want to know." He looked at me quietly. Under the street light, the sarcastic air in him disappeared and he looked gentle and lovely.
"When I was sixteen, the night Shen Xiaoxi first came to my house, I was sitting at the door crying uncontrollably, and you walked by me holding Kaka's hand and handed me a pack of tissues." I tilted my head slightly to look into his eyes, "Did you really just happen to run into me while taking Kaka for a walk?"
He walked towards me, raised his hand and took a dead leaf from my head, and asked, "Is this question important?"
I nodded. “It’s very important.”
"She cried so hard, it was hard to ignore her."
There was a hint of helplessness in his voice.
I stared at him blankly, so did he deliberately walk towards me that day?
Luo Yu thought to herself, Shu Nian has been looking at me, I thought it was just her extreme thoughts out of jealousy.
"Shu Nian."
Have you been... watching me from behind that window that I didn't notice?
"Um?"
"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked.
"Because I'm waiting for you to find out," he replied.
Will I wait until I find out that he has always been very close to me? Or will I wait until I find out that all the chance encounters and coincidences are not real? But I can meet him because I can see him?
"Shu Nian."
What kind of mood are you in when you see Bai Xiaodie in such a miserable state?
"Anything else you want to ask?"
He laughed.
"No, nothing."
How could there not be?
But I don’t know how to ask the next question.
I'm afraid if I ask, I'll find out that I'm just being too sentimental.
I’m afraid that if I ask, I won’t get the answer I want.
"Little Butterfly." He reached out and tapped my forehead. "You are such a stupid guy, don't think about so many complicated problems. Your brain will short-circuit. Go back and rest. It's very late."
"Okay." I said, " Good night , Shu Nian."
"Good night, little butterfly."
Shu Nian said this and gave me that heart-warming smile again.
Afraid of getting lost in it, I immediately turned around, ran into the house and closed the door.
In the quiet living room, my heartbeat seemed so loud and light.
I stood in the dark for a while to calm myself down, then went upstairs to get clothes to take a shower.
However, as soon as I reached the stairs, I saw that the door of my room was open and the light in the room was on.
Who's in my room so late?
I frowned subconsciously. Could it be Shen Xiaoxi?
What is she going to do?
My originally happy mood turned bad at this moment. I quickly walked to the door of the room, pushed open the half-open door, and shouted: "Shen..."
I had just shouted one word when I was stunned, because the person in my room was not Shen Xiaoxi, but my father.
He was sitting at the desk, holding the box with a bow on it, staring blankly out the window.
He just sat there, his eyes red and bloodshot, as if he didn't notice my arrival. He just stared at one place, motionless.
I don't know what he saw.
I wanted to call him, but the word "Dad" was stuck in my throat and I couldn't say it out.
Silence surged like a tide, flowing into this small room, over the insteps, over the knees, the neck, and finally swallowing up the breath.
This feeling can make people fall into a terrible sense of powerlessness.
So I couldn't speak anymore.
The atmosphere of silence became even thicker.
The silence was broken only when a loud crashing sound was heard. Dad finally noticed me standing behind him, and before he could say anything, he heard a sharp scream coming from Shen Xiaoxi's room.
He hesitated, and I opened my mouth to say something, but he had already run past me. I turned quickly and saw his figure disappear into the dim corridor.
In fact, there was a moment when I wanted to have a good talk with this person, just to have a good talk after the silence passed and let go of the prejudices in our hearts.
But he just ran away, like a slap in the face for my fleeting thought.
I walked to the desk and put my hand on the box. I seemed to be able to feel his body temperature, which was warm.
I still remember when I was very young, my father used to hold my hand and send me to kindergarten. At that time, he had to squat in front of me to be at eye level with me.
He gently ruffled my messy hair and said, "Xiaodie, Dad loves you, you have to do your best even if you are alone!"
I nodded timidly and waved at him.
I looked at my hands pressing on the gift box. My hands used to be small and skinny, unable to hold anything. But now Bai Xiaodie has grown up and can reach out and hold what she wants.
But, is there something that has slipped ?
I sighed helplessly, walked to the door, and was about to close it when my father came back.
He tried to smile at me, with a hint of apology: "Can I come in? Xiaoxi accidentally dropped her teacup just now, and because she didn't turn on the light, she slipped and fell to the ground."
"You don't have to explain so much to me." I said lightly, "It's late, I want to sleep."
"Wait a minute!" He pushed against the door I was about to close and said hastily, "Xiao Die, it won't take you long."
I had no choice but to move aside. He walked in, closed the door gently, sat down on the chair, rubbed his hands, and seemed to be thinking about how to start the conversation.
"What do you want to say?"
Finally, I couldn't help but ask him.
"You danced very well today." He gave me a thumbs up, with a look of satisfaction on his face. "Really great, just as good as your mother used to dance."
I didn't say anything, but I wanted to laugh. Why was he still mentioning my mother at this point?
"Dad has neglected you for so many years, and I know it. Today, seeing you standing on the stage, looking at you under the spotlight, I suddenly realized that the little kid back then has grown up so big." He was very emotional, and even his eyes were red.
I didn't want to hear his sensational words, so I interrupted him: "So, what do you want to say?"
"I'm sorry." He hunched over dejectedly and said with a gloomy look.
"Why are you saying sorry to me? For ignoring me for so many years, or forgetting my dead mother for so many years? Did tonight's dance finally remind you that there was once someone who was your wife?" I said sarcastically.
Yes, I have endured silently and made compromises all these years, fearing that I would not be loved by him and would lose my father, my only relative. As a result, things between him and me became like this.
Since it is destined to be unattainable, then I, Bai Xiaodie, also want to follow my heart and bravely speak out the truest voice in my heart.
To me, the person in front of me can ignore me, his biological daughter, for the sake of Shen Xiaoxi and her daughter, but he cannot show any disrespect to my deceased mother because of them.
"I'm going to say sorry to you." I turned my head away, not wanting to look at his expression, and said, "Besides, I think I will never be able to forgive you."
After this, Dad seemed to finally realize that he had a daughter named Bai Xiaodie.
He tried clumsily to please me and smiled at me as much as possible, but I didn't want to accept his flattery at all.
He thought that if he persisted, I would smile back at him one day. However, a month has passed and I still can't find a reason to forgive him.
After living like that for three years, after being completely disappointed in that person, how can I accept that person again?
I have no idea.
I wrapped a scarf around my neck and put on thick gloves, picked up my schoolbag and opened the door. The cold wind blew on my face, instantly waking my foggy mind.
The winter in the south is not actually very cold, but there is a chill that penetrates into the bone marrow, making it impossible to stand up straight. One can only hunch over and walk in a hurry.
"Little Butterfly." Someone patted my shoulder from behind. I was startled and looked back. I saw Shu Nian, who was also wearing a scarf, looking at me with a half-smile. "Morning."
"morning."
I greeted him, but I felt a little weird.
He just said hello and didn't say anything else. He walked slowly forward beside me.
Because the weather was too cold, I didn't want to walk, so I got on a bus that happened to be parked next to the platform. There were a lot of people on the bus, and the windows were all white. Everyone was crowded in the car, which was much warmer than outside.
Because it was warm, when I got off the car and faced the cold wind, I subconsciously shrank my neck.
"If you shrink it any further, your neck will be gone." Shu Nian, who had been following me in the car, said sarcastically, "Your neck is already short, and it's shrinking!"
I snorted, quickening my pace and leaving him behind.
I always felt that after the celebration, something was different between Shu Nian and I. When I faced him, I felt a little guilty—the kind of guilty feeling that comes from secretly liking someone and pretending that nothing happened.
When I walked into the school, all the leaves of the ginkgo trees had fallen off, and the bare branches cut the sky into pieces. The classmates walking by were laughing and making noises, adding a bit of vitality and vigor to the pale winter.
It was not yet time for morning reading class, and groups of girls were standing in the corridor chatting.
"It's so annoying! Are you blind? Others are sleeping, can't you see?" A discordant voice suddenly came from the classroom, disturbing this ordinary and quiet winter morning.
I was stunned for a moment. The voice just now... seemed to be Shen Xiaoxi's.
I subconsciously walked to the door of the classroom, and saw Shen Xiaoxi lying on the table, looking at a girl standing in front of her desk with a bad face. The girl was pale, and her eyes were very complicated when she looked at Shen Xiaoxi, with disbelief, grievance, and anger. The girl had always played well with Shen Xiaoxi, and I thought they were good friends.
Shen Xiaoxi seemed to suddenly realize what she had done wrong. She quickly smiled and said, "I'm sorry. I got up too early today, so I was grumpy. I didn't mean it."
"No, it's okay."
Although the girl said this, her smile seemed forced.
No one would be happy if someone yelled at them like that early in the morning!
This is probably the aftermath of the last celebration. During this period, I didn’t pay much attention to Shen Xiaoxi.
In the past, Bai Xiaodie always looked at Shen Xiaoxi, and she walked further and further on the thorny road. Now, Bai Xiaodie no longer cares about Shen Xiaoxi.
But, how could Shen Xiaoxi, who always acted nice and cute in front of others and was liked by everyone, lose her composure like this?
Shen Xiaoxi felt like she was sleepwalking the whole day. She was in a very bad mood and there was no smile on her face at all.
Shen Xiaoxi's bad mood continued from school to home.
When eating at night, Aunt Chen saw that she kept pressing her phone, so she picked up a piece of food for her and said softly, "Xiao Xi, don't play with your phone while eating."
"I'm just playing, what's wrong with that?" She threw her phone to the ground with a "smack" sound like a cat with its fur standing on end. "Can you please just leave me alone?"
"Xiaoxi?" Aunt Chen looked at Shen Xiaoxi in astonishment, "How are you talking to me?"
"I'm sorry, I'm not in a good mood. I'm full."
She threw away her chopsticks, quickly left the table, went upstairs, and slammed the door of her room.
Dad was stunned for a moment, and asked worriedly: "What's wrong with Xiaoxi? Xiaodie, did something unpleasant happen at school?"
"I don't know. " I said calmly, placing the empty bowl on the table. "I'm full."
After returning to the room, I opened the curtains and looked into the distance.
In the darkness, the window in front of Shu Nian was empty, and a warm light shone through the window. I sat at the desk, biting the tip of my pen, staring at the window in a daze.
What would Shu Nian be doing at this time?
Just as I was thinking about it, someone walked to the window opposite, sat down at the desk, then raised his head and my eyes met his.
At this moment, I suddenly remembered a song by Taylor Swift. In the MV of that song, the hero and heroine lived in two houses very close to each other. The distance between the two houses was much closer than the distance between my house and Shu Nian's house. They could almost jump to each other by opening the window.
Unfortunately, our two houses are more than ten meters apart , so I can't write on the sketch book with a marker like the heroine in the MV and talk to the hero who lives across the street.
Because even if I wrote it, Shu Nian wouldn't be able to see it from a distance of more than ten meters.
Just as I was thinking this, I saw Shu Nian lowering his head and writing something, and then he stood the paper upright.
I looked carefully and saw that he had drawn a ghost face with a marker on the large white paper.
I was moved. Why didn't I think of that? Although the written words can't be seen, if it's an emoticon like this, if I draw it bigger and thicker, he will definitely be able to see it!
I drew a smiling expression and he drew a crying expression for me, and we had a lot of fun playing in this childish way that only kids play.
until--
A piece of white thing fell in front of my window. I was stunned for a moment. I saw in the dark night, where the light reached, more and more white fragments fell down.
I pushed open the window, palm up, and caught a piece of white fragment in my palm.
Only then did I realize that it was snowing.
It rarely snows in Jiangnan in winter, and there was no snow last year. And in every winter I have experienced since I was a child, there is rarely any snow that can be piled up.
How long will the snow last this time?
A gust of wind blew snowflakes into my room, and a paper airplane flew in along with the snowflakes.
I turned to look at Shu Nian, who was standing in front of the open window and smiling at me.
It was this smile, so clean without a trace of sarcasm, that I saw on his face again after such a long time.
When the next gust of wind blew, I closed the window, picked up the paper airplane on the ground and took it apart. I saw a ghost face with its tongue sticking out, and five words were written next to it: "Good night, little butterfly."