I knocked on the door desperately. The running just now had consumed my remaining strength, and I sat on the ground like a dying man.
I am not a successful moth. Even if I want to fly into the fire, I can't find where the fire is.
Your body is cold, your heart is cold, it’s a kind of cold that makes you feel very empty.
Because of the cold, my mind gradually became blurred, and I was exhausted and swallowed by fatigue.
When I thought I would just sit here and slowly freeze to death in my sleep, I suddenly felt someone grabbing my shoulders tightly and shaking me hard, and it seemed like someone was shouting something nervously in my ear.
I reluctantly opened my heavy eyelids and saw Xu Yan looking at me with wide eyes and a pale face.
Seeing that I woke up, Xu Yan was obviously relieved, then frowned and asked me: "Why are you here?"
I didn't answer Xu Yan's words. I was completely immersed in my own thoughts.
I think the moment the moth sees the fire, it must be very excited and want to cry, because its cold body can finally be warmed.
The tears I had been holding back for so long finally flowed out the moment I opened my eyes and saw Xu Yan. Ignoring the boy's stunned expression, I threw myself into his arms with all my strength.
The moth finally cried because the fire was as warm as she had imagined.
"Take me away."
I leaned in the boy's arms and cried like a baby.
"Where are you going?"
He didn't push me away, but seemed frightened by my action, and his voice sounded a little unnatural.
Where to go? Yes, where do I want to go?
I don't want to go anywhere, I just want to be warm.
"It's not cold in places where I'm cold."
A feeling of warmth came over my cold face. Xu Yan reached out his hand and silently wiped my tears. I just stared at him blankly.
I have never been able to understand this young man in front of me, just like I cannot understand what he is thinking at the moment.
Will he push me away? Will he chase me away? Will he hurt me again?
"Why didn't I know you were such a crybaby before?" he said with some dissatisfaction, and deliberately increased the strength of his hand when wiping my tears.
I started to get scared, afraid that he would reject me.
I hurriedly reached out and wiped my face roughly. I wanted him to see that I could not cry if he didn't like me crying.
Look how cautious I am, because I have been in the cold for too long and I long for warmth.
He stared at my actions in a daze, his eyes as dark and bright as ever. I looked at him nervously, waiting for him to speak with mixed feelings.
He has never said anything nice to me, but now I feel that as long as he doesn't drive me away, anything he says is good.
But Xu Yan said nothing for the first time. He just sighed heavily, stood up with a frown, took out the key, opened the door, then picked me up from the ground and carried me directly into the house.
"I only have one bed and one quilt. How am I going to sleep tonight? Who dares to sleep on the floor in this cold winter?" He started complaining before he even put me down.
I saw his difficulty and immediately said sympathetically, "It's okay. I can stay awake. I'll sit on the sofa and wait for dawn."
Xu Yan turned his head and looked at me. His face, which had been expressionless for a long time, suddenly showed a complicated expression, including guilt, helplessness, and other emotions that I couldn't understand.
After a long while, he sighed softly and said, "Jian Lening, what do you want me to do? Have you really forgotten the hurt I brought you? But I still feel that I am unforgivable, I..."
"say no more!"
I interrupted Xu Yan, I didn't want to hear any more apologies and regrets about that incident. It's not that I didn't care, that incident did bury me in darkness for a moment, but it was also Xu Yan who picked me up after being abandoned time and time again, and brought precious warmth to my cold heart.
I once thought that I would never forgive Xu Yan, but I didn't expect that the person who had caused me the greatest harm would become my last straw at this moment.
I took a deep breath and said to him, "Xu Yan, let's just let it go. Just remember that you are the one who picked me up after I was abandoned."
I don’t know why I am so sure, but I just believe that he won’t hurt me.
"If you don't mind, we can sit on the sofa together under a blanket and chat. One night should pass easily." I said without thinking, as if I was possessed.
I saw the expression on Xu Yan’s face froze instantly, as if he was confirming something but was not sure.
Finally, he sighed helplessly and said, "Jian Lening, you will regret it."
What do you regret?
Do I regret coming to see him tonight? Do I regret having the courage to face my heart ? Do I regret forgiving him? Do I regret falling in love with him?
Do you regret it?
I asked myself the same question.
At that moment, I told myself and Xu Yan that at least I don’t regret it .
Later, after a long, long time, I have been happy, sad, and resentful, but I have never regretted it.
Because he is Xu Yan, I can't bear to regret it.
At night, I sat on the sofa leaning against his warm body. The room was so quiet that I could hear his strong heartbeat.
I was swallowed by fatigue. In a daze, I heard his suppressed groan and felt the warmth beside me dissipate. Then, a rustling sound was heard in the silent room, and he seemed to stand up.
My eyelids felt heavy, but I still tried to open them, wanting to make sure he was gone. My hands subconsciously moved to my side, and when I touched the still warm quilt, I woke up instantly, and no longer had any desire to sleep.
"Xu Yan!"
I shouted anxiously, climbed up from the sofa in panic, stood barefoot on the cold floor , and looked for his figure in the dark.
Finally, I found him in his room, lying on his cold bed.
He was curled up on the bed like a cat, squeezing his stomach with his hands and groaning in pain. The moonlight shone in from the window, sprinkling on his body, and his pale face was shining with bright light.
"What's wrong with you?" My voice couldn't help but tremble. I didn't care about the coldness on my feet and ran towards the figure on the bed.
I held his arm tightly, feeling an inexplicable panic in my heart.
In this dark space with only moonlight, something seemed to be slowly fading away. A fear rising from the bottom of my heart tightly wrapped around me like a vine.
There was still a Band-Aid he had put on my hand, which looked very funny. When he was disinfecting my hand, he joked that I couldn't eat just looking at my hands.
But at this moment, he grabbed my hand tightly as if he had grabbed a life-saving straw, buried his head in my arms, and let the sweat on his face wet my clothes. He pressed down on me, so heavy that I could hardly hold on.
However, when I thought I would be overwhelmed by him, he said to me breathlessly: "Jian Le Ning, my stomach hurts."
"Do you have any stomach medicine?"
I pulled my hand out of his and subconsciously pressed on his stomach, rubbing it gently, intending to relieve his pain.
"I just took it, and the effect of the medicine hasn't come into effect yet, bastard! It hurts so much."
"I'll go fry an egg for you. I heard it's good for your stomach. With hot oil in your stomach, the pain will be less." I was about to get up and go to the kitchen, but he grabbed me tightly.
"No need, just rub it for me like you did just now."
I couldn't persuade him, so I had to obey. The bed was too cold, so I took the quilt from the sofa and covered him with it, and continued to massage his stomach. His moans were intermittent, and the muscles on his face didn't relax for a long time.
I don't know how long it took before he fell asleep quietly, and I was so tired that I lay down beside him, staring at his pale face, but I couldn't fall asleep anymore.
I felt a little uneasy in my heart, but I couldn't tell why.
I really didn't expect that fate would play such a trick on us. God is so unfair to Xu Yan.
A few years later, when I finally understood why Xu Yan had said that I would regret it, when I finally understood what his pain indicated, when I finally knew how anxiously and conflictedly that seemingly careless boy loved me, I was so heartbroken that I couldn't cry.
The next day, when I woke up, Xu Yan had already prepared breakfast and was washing clothes in the bathroom.
The young man was wearing a woman's apron that didn't suit him at all, with a warm smile on his face. He was busy working in the winter sunshine like a virtuous housewife.
I swear, I will never forget him like this in my life, and I will never forget his gentle smile to me.
What could I understand at the age of seventeen? I thought I liked someone, I thought my heart was moved, I thought we could be together if we were in love, and I thought that as long as I had someone to rely on in life, it would be enough.
I think, no matter how precocious I was at the age of seventeen, I was still a simple child at heart, so I saw happiness as so simple, thinking that would be happiness.
But as I grow older and mature, I feel that I was really happy when I was young and ignorant.
After breakfast, Xu Yan sent me back to school. He had to go to work and couldn't take me home. It was not convenient for him to do so. Xu Yan said that his car was damaged in a crash last time and was confiscated by his family. Now he has no car, no money, no house, nothing, and he is the only one left.
Seventeen-year-olds won’t care about so many things when they fall in love. No matter the past hurts or the material conditions, as long as they love, nothing else matters.
Just like Xiao Jingjing said later, he was just a problem teenager whose family was rich but not favored. You were a girl with excellent grades and a bright future, and you shouldn't have been together with him at all.
But at that time, I felt that just having Xu Yan was enough.
We met Lin Jiarui, who had been waiting for me for a long time, downstairs of the dormitory building. When he saw me and Xu Yan appear together, Lin Jiarui's face became very ugly, and his eyes were filled with red bloodshot.
"The people in your dormitory said that you didn't go home last night. Where did you sleep? Were you with him?"
Like a hen protecting her chicks, Lin Jiarui pulled me away from Xu Yan and questioned me with a gloomy face.
Ever since that incident, Lin Jiarui has never liked me to have any involvement with Xu Yan. He feels that if Xu Yan can hurt me once, he will definitely hurt me a second time.
In Lin Jiarui's view, Xu Yan is an irrational devil who will do anything when he gets impulsive.
I think it was Lin Jiarui who came to the dormitory to look for me. The people in the dormitory concealed the fact that they locked me out and only said that I did not come back all night.
The answer is self-evident. Early in the morning, Xu Yan and I came back together. As you can imagine, we were together last night.
This answer made Lin Jiarui very angry. He rushed towards the silent Xu Yan despite my obstruction, grabbed Xu Yan's collar like a beast, and swung at him with his fist raised.
With Xu Yan's ability, he could easily dodge Lin Jiarui's attack, but he didn't. He just took Lin Jiarui's heavy punch right under my gaze.
Looking at Xu Yan's bleeding mouth, my mind went blank. When Lin Jiarui threw the second punch, I finally reacted, strode forward, and tightly held Lin Jiarui's hand.
"Stop fighting! Lin Jiarui!"
I stood in front of Xu Yan, staring at Lin Jiarui, and said, "You don't know anything. Don't hit Xu Yan anymore. I went to find him myself."
"Jian Lening, you are really hopeless. Have you forgotten what this bastard did to you? How could you give him another chance to hurt you? I don't know anything, so what do you know?" Lin Jiarui was stunned for a while, and suddenly, with red eyes, he shouted at me angrily.
For some reason, I always felt that there were tears in his eyes.
Is he feeling sorry for me?
No, there is no need. I chose my own path. Xu Yan is a good person and there is no need for him to feel sad for me.
"Lin Jiarui, I like Xu Yan, really. I remember that he hurt me, but I also remember how good he was to me. When you abandoned me again and again, he was the only one who picked me up again and again, you know? Even though he hurt me, even though I once wished he would die, but now, I just want to be with him. Lin Jiarui, please stop caring about me, okay? If you still consider me a friend."
I begged Lin Jiarui, but Lin Jiarui looked at me with a helpless look. Not long after, he took out his cell phone and started typing frantically like a madman out of control.
"Do you know what nonsense you are talking about? You like that bastard? How could you possibly like that bastard? Jian Lening, are you crazy because Qi Xuan dumped you? I want to find An Xiaoduo and ask her to let Qi Xuan answer the phone. I want to ask Qi Xuan why he didn't take you away. If he had taken you away, you wouldn't be like this now, saying you like Xu Yan with a disordered mind!"
Lin Jiarui shouted excitedly, but his voice was filled with tears.
I couldn't stand Lin Jiarui like this, so I pulled Xu Yan away.
I know my mind is clear. I like Xu Yan and it has nothing to do with Qi Xuan.
Liking someone has nothing to do with other people, it only has to do with your own heart.
Xu Yan let me pull him without saying anything.
After walking a few steps, I heard the sound of Lin Jiarui throwing his phone and crying. I knew he didn't make that call in the end because he no longer had the energy to call An Xiaoduo.
But I didn't know why he was crying at that time until later a little girl, with a maturity that was not in line with her age, said to me, you must have been blinded by Xu Yan at the time, you couldn't even see that Lin Jiarui liked you. That boy was really something, he probably didn't even realize when he started to like you instead of An Xiaoduo.
Those who are involved are confused, while those who are on the sidelines can see clearly. That’s all.
"Who is Qixuan?"
Xu Yan broke free from my hand, wiped the blood from the corner of his mouth, and asked me with his head tilted.
“It was someone I loved when I was a kid.”
I didn't hide anything. I was very open about my past and there was nothing I couldn't tell you.
"Um."
Xu Yan just responded lightly without asking any more questions. He searched in his arms, threw me a silver key, and said calmly, "Next time you come to me, if I'm not here, just open the door and go in. I'm leaving. Call me if you have anything."
I watched Xu Yan leave, then turned and walked towards the dormitory.
When I got back, Lin Jiarui had already left. The things he brought were still scattered on the ground. It was a lot of food. I guess he bought them for me to take home.
Sometimes, when I think back to these things, I feel that Lin Jiarui at that time was very different from the Lin Jiarui I know. Lin Jiarui would never be so attentive as to buy food and daily necessities for me. The Lin Jiarui I know would only chase after An Xiaoduo.
When did Lin Jiarui stop being like Lin Jiarui? Was it when An Xiaoduo left, or when he found out about my accident?
I don't know.
When I returned to the dormitory, the door was finally opened. Sun Yu's bed was empty. I guess someone had already picked her up. Tang Yu was sitting on the bed applying skin care products on her face.
When I went in, everyone looked at me strangely, with some flickering eyes.
I would rather believe that the reason why their eyes were wandering was because they felt guilty towards me, rather than because they despised me for not coming home all night.
At least this makes me feel that the friendship with my roommates over the past six months is not entirely fake.
Not long after I returned to the dormitory, I received a call from Xiao Jingjing, saying she was coming to pick me up.
My family doesn't have a four-wheeled car and can't carry so much luggage, so I can only trouble Xiao Jingjing to pick me up in a small battery trailer.
Xiao Jingjing didn't think it was a hassle and agreed without hesitation. She was very decisive and didn't make me wait long. She came to pick me up soon.
When I saw Xiao Jingjing appear at the dormitory door and looked at her somewhat thin figure, my eyes couldn't help but blur.
It turns out that I haven't seen Xiao Jingjing for a while.
After entering high school, I only had a holiday every two weeks. Xiao Jingjing's scrap yard business was getting better and better. She rented a house outside and rarely went back to the shantytown, so even if I went home, it was difficult to run into her.
Xiao Jingjing didn't know that I had a conflict with the people in the dormitory, so she waved and greeted Tang Yu and the others as soon as she entered the door, but the only response she got was silence.
Xiao Jingjing put her head close to my ear and muttered in dissatisfaction: "Those girls are so arrogant."
I smiled and didn't answer. I just pushed a packed suitcase into Xiao Jingjing's hand and said softly, "Let's go!"
The electric bike didn’t have a windshield, and I felt very cold all the way home even though I had put on two down jackets.
When we got home, I got out of the car and couldn't even stand steadily. It was Xiao Jingjing who helped me into the house, laughing and saying that I was being pretentious.
Knowing that I would be back today, my mother took a leave of absence and stayed at home . She bought a lot of food and invited Xiao Jingjing to have lunch with her.
Xiao Jingjing was not polite either. She asked my mother to make some of her favorite dumplings, and then used her seemingly endless energy to help me carry my luggage.
Xiao Jingjing left after lunch as she had to go back to the store to do business. After I helped my mother clean up the dishes, I went back to the bedroom to sleep because I had nothing to do.
The next day, Ling'er was sent here by my cousin. She spent almost every winter and summer vacation at my house. Because my cousin was busy with work and had no time to take care of the child, and Ling'er was getting older, her homework was getting more and more complicated, and my cousin was finding it more and more difficult to teach her, so she simply sent her to me to help with her tutoring.
Before the holiday officially began, I went back to school again. The teacher was going to announce the grades and assign winter vacation homework.
Sun Yu, who was sitting next to me that day, did not come to school, and her things were taken away by a woman in her fifties.
I don’t know why Sun Yu didn’t come to school. What happened to her and Ji Hang later? That’s another story and has nothing to do with me.
Finally, the teacher conducted a statistical analysis by subject and asked everyone to consider whether to choose science or liberal arts for the next semester.
I had decided to choose science a long time ago. It was not because the other people in the dormitory were interested in choosing liberal arts and I wanted to choose science to avoid them, but because among all subjects, my performance in science was obviously better than that in liberal arts. Although I was not bad in liberal arts either, I finally chose science.
Lin Jiarui called me yesterday. I originally thought that he would ignore me because of what happened between Xu Yan and I, but I didn't expect that he didn't mention that matter at all when he called. He just chatted with me intermittently, mostly saying that their sports students have to mix into other classes to study together, but when it comes to the college entrance examination, they still have to focus on applying to sports schools.
I also keep in touch with Xu Yan, but I usually send him text messages and he calls me back. We are not very passionate about love and don't like to stick together. It is enough for us to contact each other occasionally every day.
Xu Yan chose the art class because his grades were not very good, so he went to study fine arts.
At first, I thought Xu Yan got into our school through connections, but later I found out that he was a student with artistic talents and the school admitted him as an exception.
When I heard the news unexpectedly, I couldn't help but feel proud and thought, Jian Lening, the person you like is not too bad, right?
After the subject statistics were completed, everyone went home.
I stood at the door of the classroom and looked at the classroom where I had been for half a year, and I felt a little melancholy.
I have never been a nostalgic person, but recently I discovered that I actually get sentimental very easily.
I am not reluctant to discard some unpleasant memories from the past, but I am reluctant to forget all the warmth I have ever felt .
I think I like to recall the warmth because I am a girl who easily craves warmth.