Chapter 7 Depression 02
I don’t know how long I knocked, but no one came to open the door. My eyes were sore and painful, and my heart, which had been full of expectations, gradually fell to the bottom.
It turns out that warmth has always been far away from me.
I can't accept this!
With trembling hands, I searched for the key in my schoolbag, but I didn't know where the key was. I couldn't find it no matter how hard I looked.
I cried, and this time the tears flowed quickly. I knelt at the door of my house and kept banging on the closed door with my hands.
"Mom, open the door! Mom!"
"mom!"
The cry was so shrill.
The door remained closed, motionless.
She's not at home, where is she?
Is this going to be another night of drunkenness, debauchery and revelry?
Mom, why are you so depraved?
My hands bled from clapping, my throat became hoarse from shouting, and all the strength in my body slowly faded away along with the last bit of thought I had about this home.
Finally, a neighbor couldn't stand it anymore, ran out to help me, and said something to me.
I tried hard to wake myself up from the chaotic state, looking at the group of people in confusion, my voice was hoarse.
"What did you say?" I asked the woman who had just pointed and explained to me confidently.
"It's about your mother being in the hospital! Your mother has been suffering from depression for a long time. Someone from her parents' home sent her to the hospital for treatment a while ago, and she hasn't come back since. So, no matter how much you knock on the door, no one will come to open it. Your mother is in the hospital and she is not at home at all! Oh, speaking of your mother, she is quite pitiful. How could a good person make herself like this? Depression can be serious or minor. If it is not treated well, a person may go crazy. It seems that your mother's illness is quite serious. She was gloomy all day long during the few days she was at home, which was scary." The woman said to me with regret.
I sat on the ground in a daze, unable to react.
It turns out that my mother didn't go out to fool around. I should be happy about this conclusion, but I just couldn't be happy.
The pathological name "depression" keeps echoing in my ears.
My thoughts were in a mess. After asking my aunt hesitantly which hospital my mother was in, I struggled to stand up from the ground and walked away with unsteady steps.
When I came to my senses, I was already standing at the hospital entrance.
She said my mother was very ill, but why did no one inform me? If I don't come back this time, will I be kept in the dark forever?
I ran into the hospital in a confused mood and went to the service station to check the patient information. When I saw my mother's name in the psychiatric column, I could n't describe how I felt, I just felt very uncomfortable and suffocated in my heart.
I have always been a person with strong ability to withstand pressure. In less than half a year, so many things happened at home and I suffered many blows, but I still lived a good life because I told myself that fate is fair. Because I had received more than others before, so now, so many bad things happened to me.
What I want now is really simple.
I have a home and a mother. If we don’t have money, we can spend it frugally and I can go out and earn money. As long as I have a mother, that’s enough.
I don’t have a father anymore, but I can’t be without a mother too.
So I kept waiting, waiting foolishly, waiting for my mother to forget those sad things, waiting for her to break free from her decadence, waiting for her to never drive me away again, waiting for her to live a good life with me.
What am I waiting for?
A mother suffering from severe depression.
Depression is actually very common, affecting one in ten men and one in five women. Severe depression can cause hallucinations and mental disorder.
My mother is like a time bomb, a mentally ill patient who may go crazy at any time.
I walked down the stairs to her ward. It was very noisy inside. I could clearly hear the angry and harsh voice of my grandfather whom I hadn't seen for a long time, and the soft and comforting voice of my grandmother.
"Rebellious sons, all of them are rebellious sons. One stole money and hid until now, and the other couldn't even control her husband. She was dumped and is now in this half-dead state. What sin did I commit to give birth to two useless things like you? You have ruined my decades of hard work, and there is no one to take care of me in my old age!"
My grandfather’s roar hurt my eardrums. I stood frozen in place, holding the door handle. After a long time, I took a deep breath and pushed open the door.
"You've been shouting for a long time, but what's the use? She just sits there in a daze and doesn't listen to anyone. You..."
In the ward, grandma was holding grandpa's arm and talking. Halfway through her words, she caught sight of me coming in suddenly and stopped talking immediately.
"What are you doing here?"
Even though the old man with gray hair was wearing an ordinary cloth shirt, he could not conceal the stern aura he had developed after working in the business world for decades.
My grandfather doesn't like me. He thinks my existence brings shame to the family.
My mother came from a prominent family, and giving birth to a "bastard" like me was a real disgrace to them.
My grandfather looked at me with contempt. I didn't answer, but walked around him and came to the woman who was sitting quietly on the bed with a dull look in her eyes.
"Xiao Ye, weren't you at school? Why did you come back suddenly?" Grandma broke the silence awkwardly.
I didn't look up, but just pulled my mother's tightly twisted hands apart, carefully placed them in my hands and stroked them, and casually said, "It's vacation time, come back to visit."
"Oh! It's good to come back and take a look. Your mother is in this condition now, and we don't know if she can get better. What if she goes crazy?"
Grandma was speaking mournfully, but before she could finish, she was interrupted by Grandpa's roar: "What are you crazy about? What nonsense are you talking about? What can you say to that little bastard!"
I stood there silently, not caring about my grandfather's insults. I was used to it anyway.
But my mother, who was sitting on the bed, suddenly raised her head and stared blankly at my grandfather who was blushing, with some resentment in her eyes.
"Dad, she is not a bastard. She is Dongming's child, Dongming's child! Dongming..." My mother sat on the bed, and as she spoke she covered her face and started crying.
For a moment, everyone in the ward was silent.
Grandpa's expression was a little stiff, and he said in a dry voice: "Why mention that short-lived ghost! If you don't want her to be called a bastard, then regain your sanity! Why are you acting crazy all day long! After that damn thing Ai Sheng separated from you, you went out drinking every day, and you made me lose face! If it weren't for... if it weren't for your mother's persuasion, I wouldn't want to acknowledge you as my daughter! Neither you nor your brother is worry-free!"
Grandpa yelled, grandma cried, and my mother lowered her head and said nothing.
I thought my mother had forgotten who my father was, but I didn't expect that now that she is sick, she would know how to protect me as her daughter and remember my father who died long ago.
I should be happy, but I feel sad.
"I will take care of my mother from now on! Don't worry, we won't embarrass . I just want to tell you that now that things have come to this, don't you feel guilty at all? My father is Ji Dongming, he is not a short-lived ghost, he just has a short life. If you hadn't believed what people said about my mother being unlucky, and forced her to marry Ai Sheng out of fear of embarrassment, we wouldn't have reached the point of divorce now, and I wouldn't have been called a bastard. You are powerful and can dominate the world, you know what kind of personality my mother has, she has been docile and weak since she was a child, you are sure she will be like this. A little bit, thinking that after she followed Ai Sheng, she would forget Ji Dongming and live a good life with Ai Sheng, right? Yes, she did follow Ai Sheng wholeheartedly later, so what, you didn’t choose the right son-in-law at the beginning, and ended up losing your daughter and getting nothing. Your son is useless, and you planned to rely on your son-in-law to support your retirement and family business. Now, your son ran away, your son-in-law is gone, and even the company you worked hard for decades has gone bankrupt! I say this just to let you know, don’t always blame the younger generation, think about what you have done first! "
With a "slap", I was slapped hard on the face. I raised my head stubbornly and looked at my grandfather's body that was shaking with anger.
"Who do you think you are? How dare you talk to me like that?" Grandpa roared and waved his hand to hit me again. Grandma hurried over to stop him.
I felt more relaxed than ever before, and met my grandfather's red eyes without fear: "I am nothing, I am your daughter's daughter, your granddaughter! One quarter of the blood flowing in my body is inherited from you, so please don't call me a bastard anymore. I didn't come here to quarrel with you today, I came to see my mother. Since you are here, I will tell you what I mean. I will live a good life with my mother. If you treat us as your daughters and granddaughters, please come and visit us often. If you want to scold us, don't come."
"Silly girl, how can you live a good life with your mother! Don't forget that you are still a student and have to rely on the money given to you by your family to live! Your mother's illness flares up from time to time. How are you going to take care of her if you have to go to school? You still dare to scold me? Who will take care of your mother without me! You are still there even before your feathers have grown fully, what do you know!" Grandpa continued to scold me with disdain.
My face was full of calm.
He was right. I was a student and had to go to school, so I really couldn't take care of my mother.
I had thought about this on the way to the hospital. Depression is a problem that she cannot be left alone, otherwise it will get worse. She must be happy, so I have to accompany her often, which means I have no time to go to school. But I can apply to drop out and go to night school instead. Night school takes up less time, and I can hire a temporary babysitter for my mother during the few hours I have to go to class. I plan to sell the emptied house that Ai Sheng left us and rent a cheaper one. I can use the money from the sale of the house to do some small business, so that my mother and I will not starve to death in the future.
Although I said those words to my grandfather, I actually wanted to resolve the problem between us so that if one day I suddenly lost my mind and died alone, my mom and they would be able to take care of each other.
After I told my plan, my grandparents were stunned and remained silent for a long time.
Everyone has to learn to grow up. I think at that moment, I grew up because I understood what responsibility is.
