Sitting at my desk, I was puzzled.
What exactly did Shen Xiaoxi mean? The third party, who is the third party? Me, Bai Xiaodie?
What a joke!
Does she think that I like Xia Nuo and that I will come between her and Xia Nuo?
But there doesn't seem to be any special relationship between Xia Nuo and her. What's more, when Xia Nuo sent me home today, I didn't hear him mention Shen Xiaoxi.
I decided to ignore what she said. Getting angry at someone for no reason is a form of self-torture. The current Bai Xiaodie is no longer the Bai Xiaodie .
After finishing my homework, it suddenly occurred to me that now I have grown as tall as my mother. If I must participate in the autumn celebration, I want to wear the dance dress that my mother left behind.
So I packed my schoolbag, opened the wardrobe, and took out a rectangular box from the innermost part of the wardrobe. Inside was lying the beautiful and exquisite ballet skirt.
After Aunt Chen moved in, she threw away all of Mom's things in a short time. I managed to secretly hide Mom's most cherished dance dress, which she wore for her last performance on stage, and the performance happened to be "The Dying Swan", which I was going to dance at the celebration.
I also want to wear this dress and dance "The Dying Swan" on the stage during the Autumn Festival.
By then, I should be the only one performing the solo dance !
As far as I know, Shen Xiaoxi sang at the celebrations in the past two years, and she sang again this year. It's really ironic that she is a latecomer, but she is more familiar with this alley than me and can better integrate into this community.
Early the next morning, Luo Yuxin handed me the program list and said that my show was the sixth one and that I had to hand over my performance costumes to her in advance, and she would put them in the backstage for unified storage.
I had no choice but to carefully hand her the box containing my mother's dance dress.
"Bai Xiaodie, I won't let you take Shu Nian away. I will definitely take Shu Nian back!" When she left, she suddenly looked at me coldly and said, "We'll see."
The way she looked at me before she turned around made me suddenly feel uneasy. But the celebration will be here in a few days, so nothing should happen!
Comforting myself in this way, I seem to no longer care so much.
Today is Friday and the celebration will be held on Sunday.
After a hasty breakfast, I picked up my schoolbag and prepared to go to school. Shen Xiaoxi did not leave first today, but followed me out of the house.
She called out, "Bai Xiaodie."
"What's the matter?" I glanced at her indifferently. She seemed very happy, and her eyes were a little malicious.
"Don't embarrass your father at the celebration the day after tomorrow!" she said, snorted, and walked quickly past me.
"What does it have to do with you?" I said expressionlessly.
The haze that had just dissipated in my heart gathered again, and my feeling of uneasiness became stronger and stronger.
I always feel that Shen Xiaoxi and Luo Yuxin are too weird. What on earth do they want to do?
This question troubled me for the whole day. When school was over, Xia Nuo turned around and said to me, "Bai Xiaodie, see you on Sunday. I will go to the celebration."
"Okay." I said with a smile, "Welcome."
At this time, Shu Nian snorted coldly: "Go home."
Since the day when he met those two malicious people, Shu Nian would try to go home with me. His reason was that we lived so close to each other and were classmates. If anything happened to me, he would be accused of being irresponsible and failing to protect his classmates.
But the real reason why he went home with me was because of Luo Yuxin. Luo Yuxin hated me, so once Shu Nian left with me, she would definitely not go with us. On the contrary, once Shu Nian left by himself, Luo Yuxin would definitely go home with him.
On Saturday, Luo Yuxin informed Shen Xiaoxi and I to go to rehearsal.
The celebration stage was set up at the innermost part of the alley, where there was an open space. There was a road next to the stage. If you walked along that road, you would reach the mountain behind the community.
There are several low rolling hills in our area, covered with dense trees.
Every year after the festival, everyone will hold torches and parade up the mountain to pray for peace. This custom is very old. Although I have never performed at the festival, my mother took me there once when I was a child, so I still remember the torch parade at the festival.
The people in our alley attached great importance to this celebration, so the stage was decorated very beautifully. There were more than 20 performers, and they had all arrived on the stage.
I went backstage and took out the box containing the dance dress and opened it. However, as soon as my hand touched the dress, I was stunned.
"What... is going on?" I looked at the white ballet skirt in the box which was riddled with holes, and my mind went blank.
I took the dance dress out of the box, and the tulle on the dress fell to the ground, piece by piece, like a swan's feathers being plucked one by one.
"Haha, Bai Xiaodie, you are not going to wear such a tattered dance dress on stage, are you? Isn't it embarrassing? If it gets out, people will think your father abuses you and doesn't even want to buy you a dance dress." Shen Xiaoxi sneered and said, "What a pitiful thing. Cinderella is Cinderella, and it is unrealistic to dream of becoming Snow White. Fairy tales are fairy tales, and they will never become reality."
I looked at her and there was a hint of gloating in her eyes.
I demanded, “Did you do this?”
"Hey, I'm not that boring." Shen Xiaoxi walked past me holding her dress, "It wasn't me."
I grabbed her arm and asked loudly, "Did you do this, Shen Xiaoxi?"
"You are sick!" She pushed me away, frowned, and looked at me unhappily, "I told you it wasn't me, don't you understand what I'm saying?"
"You must know." I looked into her eyes and said word by word, "Shen Xiaoxi, you must know who did it, right? Don't go too far. I have really tolerated you for a long time. I know you must want me to embarrass myself in front of Xia Nuo and make Xia Nuo think that I deserted the battlefield, so you ruined my dance dress, right? Shen Xiaoxi, there is nothing wrong with liking someone, but doing such a disgusting thing just because you like someone is unforgivable !"
"What's the matter?" Shen Xiaoxi was exposed by me and immediately became angry. "Yes, I admit that I like Xia Nuo, but I'm not as shameless as you to be the third party. Shu Nian and Luo Yuxin were fine, it's all because of you! You shameless third party! I, Shen Xiaoxi, didn't do anything I didn't do. I'm not so bored as to cut your skirt!"
"Don't deny it. You and Luo Yuxin have already planned to make me look bad at the celebration. For you, isn't your ultimate goal to make me look bad in front of Shu Nian and Xia Nuo?" I was really angry, so angry that I dared to say anything.
"I did it." Just as we were arguing, a cold voice interrupted us. Luo Yuxin pushed the door open and walked in. "I did it. If you don't agree, hit me! You gloomy guy, you are really annoying."
"Why?"
My eyes were red and I felt depressed. This skirt was my only comfort. It was the only thing my mother left me. But now it was broken.
"Luo Yuxin, why are you doing this? Didn't you plan to make me look bad at the celebration from the beginning? But now you cut my dance dress and make me unable to go on stage. Does it make sense?"
"Of course it does have meaning. I know that cutting your dance dress won't stop you from attending the celebration. You have plenty of time to buy a new one, but I really hate you, Bai Xiaodie! I hate you so much that I don't want to rehearse with you. You can't rehearse without a dance dress, and this is the greatest meaning! Do you understand what I mean, you lousy guy!" She picked up the dance dress and threw it to me, "Get out of here, you're not needed here!"
I stood there holding my skirt, not knowing what to do. Just like a butterfly cannot fly without its wings, a dancer cannot dance without her skirt.
Is it really destined that a caterpillar cannot turn into a white butterfly?
The ugly duckling turns into a beautiful white swan only in fairy tales, but I, Bai Xiaodie, am a caterpillar who is destined not to turn into a white butterfly.
I don't know how I got home. I walked into the house holding the torn dance dress. Aunt Chen and Dad were sitting in the living room chatting. They were a little surprised to see me push the door open.
Dad coughed lightly: "Xiaodie, didn't you go to rehearsal? Why are you back so soon?"
I looked at him coldly, then swept my eyes across Aunt Chen's face. I didn't want to talk, so I held my dance skirt and stepped up the stairs, moving forward step by step.
There is a saying that is very true, there is no greater sorrow than a dead heart. Once the heart is crushed by someone, that person will not be happy even if he is alive.
I thought I had changed. I thought I was completely different from when I was sixteen. I thought I had gotten a little better. Were those just my illusions?
Because of a little change, she arrogantly thought she had transformed into a butterfly. In fact, Bai Xiaodie was still Bai Xiaodie, a useless Bai Xiaodie.
I really wanted to refute Luo Yuxin loudly, but in the end I was just like a discarded doll, holding my broken dance dress, and was asked to leave the stage.
I'm so bad. I haven't made any progress at all.
I sat by the window holding my dance skirt, the wind blowing cold on my face, and then I realized that I was crying. I couldn't hold back my tears - the tears of the weak, which could not wait to flow all over my face.
I couldn't even keep the last dance dress my mother had.
Why am I not smarter?
Why didn't you listen to Shu Nian and not attend the autumn celebration?
Why do I want to prove that I have become a different Bai Xiaodie?
Look, mom’s skirt is torn!
"Xiaodie." Dad's voice came from outside the door. He knocked on my door gently. "Xiaodie, what's wrong with you? What happened? Why are you crying?"
Are you crying?
I cried. When Luo Yuxin said those words, I couldn't hold back.
Obviously Shu Nian would also say those words, but I had become immune to them. Now it’s just that someone else is saying it, but I can’t accept it.
"Xiaodie, answer your father!" Dad raised his voice a little, "Your Aunt Chen is a little worried, so she asked me to come and see you."
A nameless anger rose up, I grabbed a teacup at hand, and slammed it against the door, shouting, "Get out! Get out!"
You see, this is how my father treats his daughter.
I really want to know why there are such fathers in this world?
Legend has it that a daughter is her father’s lover in the previous life. Maybe I was my father’s enemy in the previous life, otherwise why would he treat me like this?
"You kid!" There was a sound of keys rubbing against each other outside. He probably took out the key to open the door.
Sure enough, a few seconds later, the door opened.
My father looked at me angrily and asked, "What's going on? Who bullied you? Isn't it okay for your Aunt Chen to care about you?"
"I don't want that kind of hypocritical concern!" I finally couldn't help but burst out, "Can't you see? She has always ignored me, and when she occasionally looks at me, she looks at me with eyes that can kill me. With such a person, can you still say that she cares about me? I've really had enough of these years, I've had enough! I don't know what she and Shen Xiaoxi said about me behind my back, and I don't know how you really see your daughter now. Is she an irredeemable bad child, or a burden left by your dead ex-wife? But Dad, I call you Dad, please live up to these two words!" I almost yelled as I finished these words. Then I pushed him away and ran out of the house quickly.
The early winter sun shines warmly on my face, but I don’t feel warm at all.
There was only coldness, bone-chilling coldness, and for a moment, I even wanted to die. At least my dead mother was waiting for me, she would hug me and wipe away my tears!
I walked aimlessly, and when I finally stopped, I found myself standing in front of my mother's grave.
There was a small photo pasted on the tombstone. The mother in the photo was smiling so warmly, so warm that I couldn't stop crying.
"Mom." I murmured to her, reaching out to touch her photo gently, "Please get up, Mom! Xiaodie is so sad, please hug me! My heart hurts so much, Dad is stabbing my heart with a knife, one knife, one knife, one knife, it hurts so much!
"Why? Mom, you clearly believed that the ugly duckling would become a white swan, but the ugly duckling still didn't become a white swan when it grew up!" I squatted in front of her grave, as if this would make me feel a little better. "I can't wait, I don't want to wait anymore, Mom, I give up.
"Miracles don't happen in the real world. In fairy tales, Cinderella has exquisite crystal shoes, beautiful dresses, and a pumpkin carriage that takes her to the prince. But in reality, Cinderella is just Cinderella, a weed that no one cares about or likes."
"What's wrong with being a weed?" Someone suddenly said to me, "It has strong vitality and can survive with just a little water. It can't be burned by wildfires and will grow again in the spring breeze. What's wrong with being a weed?"
I raised my head in a daze, my vision blurred by tears. It was as if I was in a dream and the world around me became unreal.
I couldn't see the young man standing in front of me clearly, but his unique expression and the arrogance emanating from his bones made it easy to recognize him.
"Shu Nian." I opened my mouth and wanted to say something to him, but I didn't know how to say it.
He bent down, took out a tissue and wiped my tears, then handed me a hand and said, "Even if you want to cry, don't cry in front of your mother's grave. This will disturb her rest. Do you want the people who love you to still worry about you after you die?"
I shook my head blankly. "But, except for here, I have nowhere to go. Shu Nian, I don't know who I can tell these words to except my mother. Some things will drive people crazy if they are kept in their hearts for too long."
"Today, I allow you to treat me as a trash can as an exception. Throw all the things that make you painful to me, and I will catch them." He grabbed my arm and pulled me up from the ground.
I stared at him blankly: "Shu Nian would never say such a thing."
"So it's an exception." He said, pulling me out of the cemetery.
There was also a hill behind the cemetery. He took me over the hill and walked to the south side of the mountain. The trees on the sunny side seemed greener.
He took off his coat and threw it on the ground, then said to me, "Sit down and have a good cry. Don't be afraid, don't hold back, just cry loudly. No one can hear you here."
"May I?"
Can I really cry as much as I want without restraint and without worrying about causing trouble to others? Is it true that I can just cry?
"OK."
He gave me a warm smile, just like the smile that made my heart beat faster under the street light that night.
My tears burst out like a floodgate, and my chest felt so tight. All the grievances, sadness, loss, frustration, and pain I had experienced over the years turned into heart-wrenching cries and ran out of my body.
Finally, I had cried all my strength away. I leaned against the tree trunk and stared at the blue sky in a daze.
"That was the last thought of my mother that I could keep." I said to Shu Nian in a hoarse voice, "But the skirt was damaged. The moment I saw the skirt, it was like the sky fell. In this world, my mother was the only one who believed that I would get better, but I, the person who believed in me, failed to keep her only relic."
Shu Nian slowly walked over to me and sat down. After a moment of silence, he said, "Little Butterfly, have you given up waiting?"
"Yes, I am no longer waiting. I can't wait for the caterpillar to turn into a butterfly, nor can I wait for the ugly duckling to turn into a swan. In fact, I have long stopped waiting and told myself that I have given up, but subconsciously, I am still waiting foolishly." I sighed and said softly, "I don't know why. I have felt pain many times before, but today, I suddenly can't bear it anymore."
"Because your faith has been trampled upon." Shu Nian said, "You have always regarded your mother as your faith! When one day, someone overturns your faith and knocks down the most important pillar that supports your world, your world will certainly fall apart."
“So the world is broken, and what’s broken can’t be fixed.”
"But little butterfly, only when you are broken can you create a new world, right?" He put his hand on my shoulder and patted it gently, "Only in this way can you transform from a caterpillar into a white butterfly.
"Little butterfly, if you just wait, nothing will change. Before a caterpillar can become a butterfly, it must go through spinning silk, spinning a cocoon, and experiencing endless darkness. It must also break through the thick cocoon it made for itself before it can spread its wings and fly into the vast sky. If a caterpillar just waits, it will not be able to become a butterfly.
"If you feel pain, you run away. If you feel wronged, you hide and cry. If you do nothing but wait for a miracle to happen, it is meaningless."
He spoke slowly, and I watched his mouth opening and closing. I had no idea that the sarcastic Shu Nian could say such sensible words.
These words were like rumbling thunder that blew my world apart. The world that had already begun to collapse was shattered so completely by his smile.
"But the wings are gone. A butterfly can't fly without wings ," I murmured.
“The wings given to you by others will disappear one day, but only the wings that truly belong to you will accompany you forever.” He said, stood up, pulled me up from the ground, and turned me around.
I was stunned. On the small hill, every tree had a small leaf dog hanging on it.
A breeze blew , and the leaves in the whole forest rustled.
Did he fold so many leaf dogs while I was crying?
"Just this once." He put a small leaf dog in my palm and asked, "Do you like it?"
I covered my mouth with my other hand and nodded vigorously, the tears that had just stopped flowing out of my eyes again. But this time, I was so moved that I cried.
"Girls really... seem to have endless tears." He raised his hand to wipe my tears, "Are you ready? Little butterfly, are you ready to use your hands to create your own wings?"
"Um."
Although I am still a little confused, I already know what I should do now.
"Let's go," he said.
"Shu Nian." I looked at his face and asked him slowly, "Why are you so nice to me..."
"Really want to know?" He looked at me with a smile.
I nodded, then quickly shook my head. The feeling of anticipation mixed with fear was daunting.
He reached out his hand, wiped the tears from my cheek with his fingertips , and said, "Little butterfly, the answer has always been in your heart."
In my heart?
My heart was trembling, and my mind was replaying everything that happened between him and me over and over again like a kaleidoscope.
"Go do what you want to do. It doesn't matter. No matter how miserable or embarrassed you are, isn't there Shu Nian handing you a tissue?" He laughed jokingly, "Little butterfly, go fly. I also want to see how high and far you can fly."
"Yeah." I nodded firmly.
The confusion and hesitation finally disappeared completely.
When I got home and opened the door, I heard my father and Aunt Chen seemed to be arguing. I didn't pay attention and went straight back to my room.
I picked up my mother's dance dress, which lay alone on the floor. I pinned the broken parts and looked at it. Although the dress was cut in many places, there must be a way to repair it.
"Forget it if you don't want to go!" Dad's voice came from the other side of the door. He seemed very angry. "Don't be so conscientious."
Then I heard the door downstairs slam shut.
I took out the needle and thread from the drawer and started trying to repair the torn dance dress. The dress was cut in more than 30 places, some were more than 20 centimeters long, and some were 7 or 8 centimeters short. I knew it was not easy for a girl who didn't know needlework to repair the dress, and the result would be very bad, but I wanted to repair it.
Shu Nian was right. We can't escape from the pain, or hide and cry when we are wronged. Just waiting won't change anything. I have cried enough and don't want to cry anymore.