How many people are wandering between gain and loss, losing themselves and their direction, but who can clearly know that not everything should be held in the hands? It is like quicksand, the tighter you hold it, the more it escapes through your fingers. Sometimes, only loss is eternal.

My life seemed to have returned to its previous depressing and dark state.
Ever since I firmly told Xiang Nanfeng on the phone that the person I like is Ni Nuo and asked him to keep the farthest distance from me, he has become that persistent boy again. I can often see him standing stubbornly in front of my house in the dim light of the early morning and under the dim yellow street lights, lingering for a long time.
It was another morning. I packed my books and went to school quietly. In order to avoid the southerly wind, I deliberately went to school an hour earlier. But the moment I opened the door, I still saw him, who was tired but forcing a smile.
"Wen Yu, good morning." He smiled faintly, with a hint of warmth in his dark eyes. "You didn't have breakfast? I have a sandwich here. Have a little, okay?"
I turned my head away, pretending I saw nothing, and walked past him.
My heart aches, as if an invisible hand is rubbing it hard and repeatedly.
Xiang Nanfeng, how long are you going to hold on? This is a relationship with no future, and there will be no result for us.
"Wen Yu, don't be like this..." Xiang Nanfeng anxiously stepped forward and grabbed my wrist, "What's wrong with you? Why don't you want to talk to me? Do you know that I have been making random guesses these days and I feel really helpless..."
I frowned slightly, shook off his hand, and said sternly: "I've already told you, I have someone I like! So please stay away from me!"
"No." He denied it outright, "If you really like Ni Nuo, then you wouldn't have gradually accepted me these days."
Some days ago…
I bit my lips and lowered my head with a lonely look.
During the days when I was getting closer to Xiang Nanfeng, Jiang Xing was always by my side, and even saw us kissing under the tung tree in the park... I can't imagine how heartbroken Jiang Xing was at that time, and how much effort it took for her to bury all the heartache and face us with a smile.
"Xiang Nanfeng..." Thinking of Jiang Xing who was suffering in pain, I calmed down and made my voice sound even colder . "There are many things I don't want to repeat. What happened before was just your illusion. I beg you not to bother me again in the future."
I withdrew my arm that was still in the air, pretended not to see his sad look, and left indifferently.
With every step I took, the pain increased, as if I was walking on a sharp knife blade.
This time, he didn't catch up with me. I could feel his gaze lingering on my back, and it took a long time before he disappeared.
Jiang Xing returned to school and was no different from before. We still went to the store together after class, did homework together, and had lunch together.
But Xiang Nanfeng was missing.
During lunch break, Jiang Xing and I went to the rooftop with our lunch boxes as usual. Thinking of what happened in the morning, I had no appetite at all. I simply ate a little rice, put down my chopsticks, and walked to a nearby place to enjoy the breeze.
Jiang Xing looked at me worriedly, put down the lunch box in her hand, and quietly walked to my side: "Wen Yu, what's wrong with you? Are you feeling unwell again?"
I smiled bitterly and shook my head, and after a long while I answered, "I'm in good health, but sometimes I feel that... life is moving in a direction I didn't expect."
"For example..." Jiang Xing rubbed his forehead and looked at a kite swaying in the wind in the distance.
The kite looks so much like the three of us at this moment.
"For example..." I also looked at the distant sky and whispered only three words, and there was no further words.
What exactly will happen is something I have no idea about.
It's just that kind of gray, almost suffocating premonition is like an unclear shadow, following me closely and cannot be dispelled.
Under Jiang Xing's gaze, I let out a long breath, took out a box of cigarettes from my pocket fluently and naturally, and lit it. A cloud of milky white smoke rose up, blocking our vision.
I said, "Jiang Xing, I still remember how you looked when you smoked, but can cigarettes really get rid of all your troubles?"
A bitter smell spread in the air, and the spicy taste made me almost cry.
This was my first time smoking a cigarette. Although I didn’t feel happy, it was very unforgettable.
Jiang Xing looked at me in shock as I puffed out smoke with a sad look on my face. Then she became red with anger. She took a big step forward and fiercely knocked the half-burned cigarette out of my hand, shouting, "Wen Yu! How can you hurt yourself like this?"
I silently looked at the cigarette still struggling to burn on the ground, and said in a very soft voice: "I just... have a lot of things and can't find a place to vent."
"You've been in a bad mood these days. What happened? Ca n't you tell me?" Jiang Xing slowed down her tone and held my hands. "Don't you still believe me?"
believe……
When I heard these two words, I just wanted to laugh out loud.
In this world, can this simple word alone change everything? Can it alone allow you to pour out all your troubles without any worries or scruples?
It is precisely because life and the future are so unpredictable that I feel extremely frightened. I cannot bear what has happened, and I cannot accept what has not happened yet.
There are wolves in front and tigers behind, and I am in a dilemma. What should I do?
The atmosphere gradually became stagnant. When faced with Jiang Xing's question for the first time, I chose to refuse to answer, simply because I had no way of saying it.
"So... I really make you very upset..." Behind us, Xiang Nanfeng's desolate voice came into our ears.
I was subconsciously stunned, turned around, and my shoulders trembled slightly.
Xiang Nanfeng's footsteps were getting closer and closer, with an indescribable heaviness. He stopped behind me and continued to murmur, "I thought I would be the one who could solve your problem, but now it seems that I overestimated myself." He laughed softly, with a hint of loneliness in his laughter, "Okay, if I have disturbed your life, then I apologize to you, and I will do as you wish."
"What are you talking about?" Jiang Xing was confused and scolded him angrily, "Xiang Nanfeng, don't make things more chaotic. Isn't it chaotic enough now?"
Xiang Nanfeng turned his gaze to Jiang Xing in a daze, and suddenly burst into laughter: "That's right! It's too chaotic now! I shouldn't be here at all, I'm leaving now."
"Where are you going? What happened?" Jiang Xing asked anxiously.
"Anyway, I won't show up again." He didn't explain any more and resolutely left this place full of memories for the three of us.
My heart ached violently and I turned around hastily, but I only caught a glimpse of his back, and soon even his shadow could no longer be seen.
There was a buzzing sound in my mind, and a sharp voice kept asking me: Wen Yu, are you satisfied now?
Is this broken relationship the outcome you want to see?
I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time. I held my chest, gasped for breath, and bent down, but Jiang Xing pulled me up rudely.
"You must be hiding something from me! Tell me!"
“I don’t know…” I stepped back in fear, my body pressed against the cold rooftop railing.
"Wen Yu, is there something hidden? You all have become so strange, but you have left me out of it. I really can't stand this feeling..." Jiang Xing's face showed a begging look, "Tell me, okay?"
The buzzing sound in my head made it impossible for me to think anymore. I could only shake my head desperately to dispel this extreme mental torture.
Jiang Xing's hands were so hot that they almost burned my skin.
She suddenly let me go, tilted her head and looked at me for a long time, and said in a calm voice: "You are determined not to tell me, right?"
I stubbornly buried my head in my arms and remained silent.
A cold wind blew, lifting my sweat-soaked hair.
Jiang Xing left.
The half-eaten lunch box and green tea she left on the empty rooftop were placed so closely next to mine, as if they would never be separated.
This is really a different kind of irony.
I never imagined that the departure that Xiang Nanfeng mentioned would be so complete.
He seemed to have disappeared from this world. His seat in the classroom was empty and the things in his desk were cleaned up without a trace, as if he had never appeared.
I will never see him again, the man who would wander around my doorstep every morning and evening with firm belief, and I will never find his figure under the dim street lights again.
To the south wind, sometimes I would silently recite these three words in my heart.
Did he really just disappear from my world like that?
Xiang Nanfeng’s departure can be said to be a huge change in my life. I need a lot of time to digest it and accept this sudden fact.
But the relationship between Jiang Xing and I has also undergone tremendous changes.
She began to act eccentrically, often skipping classes and arguing with teachers. When she happened to meet my worried gaze, she would look away indifferently and pretend she saw nothing.
I suddenly realized that we haven't gone to the grocery store together to buy our favorite green tea for a long time.
Not long ago, I thought I had won the world. All the dark clouds hanging over me gradually drifted away because of the arrival of Xiang Nanfeng and Jiang Xing. They are the sunshine and the expectation of my life.
But now, a violent storm is coming again.
I couldn't stand Jiang Xing's indifference. After thinking and hesitating for a long time, I still thought it was necessary to talk to her.
I don't want to lose her for no apparent reason.
Rooftops, parks... I searched many places where the three of us often appeared, but I couldn't find Jiang Xing who had been disappearing inexplicably recently. At that moment, the vines of fear wrapped around me tightly and dragged me towards the bottomless abyss.
Finally, Jiang Xing's lonely and thin figure was found on the school basketball court. Her long black hair was tied up, revealing her smooth forehead. The dirty basketball in her hand bounced back and forth, and she was chasing it tirelessly like a child.
"Jiang Xing!" After watching for a long time, I finally called out.
Her shooting action froze there, but she quickly recognized my voice and continued to flick her wrist. The basketball flew through the air and unfortunately hit the edge of the backboard.
She didn't respond.
"Jiang Xing, why... have you been skipping classes lately? I came to see you. Let's stop exercising and go buy some green tea together, okay?" I forced a smile and wanted to put my arm around her and chat and laugh like usual, but as soon as I raised my arm, I was frozen by her indifferent look.
"I don't need it, go by yourself."
"I was wrong about what happened before. I shouldn't have treated you like that. Please don't be angry with me, okay?" I suppressed the bitterness that was churning in my heart and continued to speak softly.
But I heard Jiang Xing sneer, she slammed the basketball in her hand to my feet with a bang, and finally turned around and looked at me.
There was something so bright in her eyes that made me subconsciously want to resist.
"Do you really think that I'm upset because of your attitude? Wen Yu, you are so thoughtful, but why do you always become slow at the critical moment?"
“What are you talking about…” My smile turned even paler.
"Do you think I can't see Xiang Nanfeng's feelings for you?" She went straight to the point. "I can also see your feelings for Xiang Nanfeng! And I also know why he left! Wen Yu, we tried every possible way to make you happy and get out of the past haze, and Xiang Nanfeng tried every possible way. And what about you? You just pushed him away easily because of your hateful disease! Have you ever cared about his feelings?"
I had never heard Jiang Xing speak to me in such a tone before. I panicked for a moment and explained incoherently: "It's not... because of my illness..."
"Why is that?" Jiang Xing pressed, "The three of us can be together very well. Xiang Nanfeng and I will always be by your side. Isn't that enough?" Her voice became louder and louder, drifting in the wind, "Wen Yu, I despise you for your behavior!"
Her fierce words kept echoing in my ears, my eyes widened in disbelief, and it felt like a fire was burning in my throat.
Is it all my fault?
Am I the one who caused all this?
"Jiang Xing, you said...you look down on me, so are you hiding something from me?" My voice was terribly hoarse.
Jiang Xing was startled by my sudden change in expression, but she quickly recovered and asked loudly, "What did I hide from you?"
"You know it well! Do you need me to tell you?"
"Wen Yu, stop making trouble. Why are you so hot and cold? If I have done anything to make you unhappy , you can just tell me!" Anger began to burn in her eyes. "Tell me! What have I hidden? Tell me everything!"
The setting sun was like blood, dripping into the dull air and turning into an invisible blood-red mist.
My mind was filled with her questioning voice and her angry face, as if they were about to turn into man-eating beasts and swallow me alive into their mouths and stomachs.
How should I answer? I should poke open Jiang Xing's wounds and ask her with confidence why she didn't tell me about her illness and why she didn't make her feelings for Xiang Nanfeng public?
No, even if a knife is on my neck, I can't say these words!
But what should we do?
I looked around helplessly, but found that there was no one around me who could help me, and there was no longer any warm eyes from Xiang Nanfeng...
Here it comes again. The heavy feeling that has nowhere to vent is growing like a snowball in my heart. I hold my extremely painful temple, without time to think about anything else, and raise my leg to kick the innocent basketball at my feet hard.
I was so focused on releasing my emotions that I completely forgot that Jiang Xing was still standing in front of me. I never expected that the flying basketball would hit Jiang Xing directly on the head.
At that moment, the sky was dark and the earth was gloomy.
Seeing Jiang Xing fall to the ground, my eyes went dark, as if my breathing and heartbeat had stopped. I looked at the motionless figure in panic, and it took me a long time to scream from my hoarse throat and rush over.
What have I done?
What did I do to Jiang Xing?
Is it right to cause her harm knowing that her brain has been deeply damaged?
Wen Yu, you are such a hateful villain!
Once again, I came to the "cage" that Jiang Xing mentioned - the hospital. After explaining the situation to the doctor tremblingly, Jiang Xing was pushed into the ward for a thorough examination, while I curled up on a cold chair in the corridor without moving.
I was like a frightened rabbit. I didn't dare to listen to what the doctors were discussing in the room, and I didn't even dare to get up and take a look at Jiang Xing who was in a deep coma.
What can I do to make up for my mistake?
How can I face that sunny girl?
I don’t know how long it was. I didn’t hear what the doctor said to me as he came in and out. Finally, Xu Zejun came rushing over and woke me up from my nightmare.
"How is Jiang Xing?" he asked anxiously.
I just felt that I didn't have the face to see him, so I could only stammer and answer: "He is still unconscious, you, you go in, I don't dare..."
Xu Zejun glanced at me in confusion, perhaps noticing the strangeness of my mood, and did not continue asking. Instead, he nodded and walked into the ward.
My soul seemed to have left my body and was wandering aimlessly in this place filled with the breath of death.
Is there any way to keep Jiang Xing alive?
If possible, I hope she can exist in this world for a long time. I would rather have a fair competition with her than watch her leave my world...Xu Zejun said that she has always refused to have surgery. Is it because of fear or some other reason?
Just like a drowning person finally grabbing a life-saving straw, I thought about this problem seriously. When I was about to get up and find a doctor for advice, the sound of glass breaking suddenly came from the ward which had been extremely quiet.
Jiang Xing woke up?
I suddenly jumped up from the chair and was about to step into the ward, but seemed to be blocked by something and stopped stiffly in front of the door.
Because I heard Jiang Xing's furious, beast-like roar: "Xu Zejun, why do you tell Wen Yu everything about me! Have you asked for my opinion?"
Then there was another loud noise, and a chair was kicked over.
Xu Zejun explained weakly: "I just said it accidentally at that time..."
"Accidentally? Wen Yu's health is not good to begin with. She will definitely be worried after knowing these things!"
Her furious voice was tinged with sadness. "I'm a dying person, it doesn't matter what happens to me, but Wen Yu is different! I finally understand why Wen Yu suddenly rejected Xiang Nanfeng... It turns out it was all because of me! She didn't dare to accept Xiang Nanfeng because of me, she didn't dare to pursue happiness because of me, it was all me! It was me! I ruined everything for her!"
Inside the door, Jiang Xing was screaming hysterically; outside the door, I bit my fist to stifle my sobs, not daring to make a sound.
"You didn't..." Xu Zejun also began to choke up, "It's all my fault, Jiang Xing, don't be like this, you should get some rest soon..."
Listening to the sounds of quarreling and calming, my tears fell madly and I forced myself not to look inside, even for a moment.
Because I was afraid that my emotions would get out of control again, and I would become that disgusting person again... My legs felt as heavy as if they were filled with lead, and my weak hands pressed tightly against the wall. I limped away at first, and then, with some unknown force supporting me, I actually started to run very fast.
Escape from this place!
What should I do with such a good Jiang Xing? Even if it was my willfulness that caused her to return to this cage-like hospital, the first thing she did when she opened her eyes was to worry about me, and she didn't even say a word to blame me.
She considers me in every way, even giving up her own happiness, but what about me? Apart from making her worry, upset, and causing her fragile body to be hurt again, what else can I do?
I don't know when the gloomy sky was covered by more black clouds floating from afar. Soon, fine raindrops poured down, soaking my clothes and mixing with the tears on my face.
My steps were sometimes fast and sometimes slow. When I walked back home in a daze, I was soaked all over.
My mother was still busy in the kitchen. When she heard the door open, she turned around inadvertently and saw me in a daze. The spoon in her hand fell to the ground with harsh sound.
"Wen Yu! Why did you get caught in the rain?" She quickly found a towel to wipe my dripping hair, "Go change into clean clothes, or you'll catch a cold!"
I said nothing and let my mother manipulate me like a puppet with its strings cut.
"Wen Yu?" My mother quickly noticed my abnormal mood. She was stunned at first, then she hugged me in her arms with heartache and asked in a low voice, "Did something happen? Don't be afraid, don't be sad, mom is here..."
A familiar feeling enveloped my entire body, a faint scent of laundry detergent and a sweet scent like flowers...
That is a unique scent that belongs only to my mother.
I restrained my arms that were shaking from the rain, put my arms around my mother's back, and asked breathlessly, "Mom, can I sleep with you tonight?"