For a long time, I turned off my phone, went to classes, ate, and slept, staying in the dormitory all the time, and never went back to the Ding family.
At night, I would think a lot about Ding Xuan.
Ding Xuan has been fascinated by painting since primary school. He said that he can draw the imagination in his mind, draw beautiful things, and give them new meaning.
He wanted to capture those heart-touching moments through painting.
Some people say that Ding Xuan can draw such good paintings because of his talent. In fact, there is no such thing as talent. They have never seen Ding Xuan's efforts.
In the summer, he would lie on the table for hours, and he couldn't even straighten his back after painting a picture. In the winter, his hands holding the paintbrush got frostbite, and every time he painted, the frostbite would fester, which looked very scary. If he hadn't taken good care of his hands, they would definitely not look like the hands of a painter.
In fact, painting is not that simple. Ding Xuan's finished works are often accompanied by countless waste papers. When he can't draw a picture, he will lock himself in the room and refuse to open the door, or go far away to find inspiration. The mountains are high and the roads are long, but he dared to go alone when he was ten years old.
Ding Xuan has put in a lot of effort in painting, but it's a pity that no one else can see it. Every time he paints, I try not to disturb him.
Whenever he went out to look for inspiration, I would follow him, because he was my brother after all, even though he never considered me a sister.
I can't hurt Ding Xuan, so I said such cruel words. I can't give him even a little hope, otherwise it will not be good for me, him, or even for the Ding family.
Even though I have no blood relationship with him.
Whenever I think of what I did to Ding Xuan, my heart always trembles. In my memory, Ding Xuan was so weak and fragile. His obsession was ruthlessly broken by me, and I don't know how he is now.
I still can't let him go.
But when I thought of Mu Lianru's cold eyes, I shuddered involuntarily. She hated me to begin with, and Ding Xuan liked me, so if I went back to the Ding family, she would definitely chop me with a knife.
I have been struggling and hesitating whether to go back to the Ding family. Even in my dreams, I could hear Ding Xuan crying fragilely on one side and Mu Lianru's angry eyes on the other, pulling me apart from both sides.
Finally, I mustered up the courage to go back to the Ding family. I didn't want to see Ding Xuan get hurt more than Mu Lianru's rage.
However, when I returned to the Ding family, the house was empty. I stood outside the door and knocked for a long time, but no one came to open the door. I called Ding Xuan and Mu Lianru, but I heard a mechanical female voice saying that the number I dialed was not in service.
Probably because she heard me knocking on the door, the old lady from the neighboring house came out and asked, "Girl, stop knocking. The family has moved away."
I suspected that I was hallucinating, so I asked cautiously, "Mother-in-law, what did you say?"
“The family moved abroad.”
Ding Xuan and Mu Lianru moved abroad...
I took two steps back in disbelief, and finally my legs went weak and I fell to the ground with a plop. I couldn't get up for a long time. The old lady came to help me up, and then said, "A middle-aged woman said someone would come to get something. I guess it was you. I'll give you the key." Then she turned back to the room and handed me a key.
I finally got the key to the Ding family. It is a symbol of home. I felt mixed emotions and could no longer be happy.
With a "click", the door was opened.
I gently pushed the door open and walked in. It was a mess inside, with dust all over the floor and no sign of human presence. Ding Xuan and Mu Lianru had moved out a long time ago, but they didn't tell me.
A feeling of despair of being abandoned slowly rose up, wrapping my whole body like ice. I hugged myself and slowly squatted on the ground, trying to wrap myself into a cocoon that was isolated from the world, so that I would not feel the heart-wrenching pain.
Tears fell one by one into the dust, like playing an old movie, carrying with it indescribable sadness.
The miserable sobbing sound kept echoing in the living room, and all the backgrounds condensed into an old, tea-colored picture.
A sad old song came from somewhere.

Don't ask me where I come from.
My hometown is far away,
Why wander?
Wandering far away,
Wandering...

As night fell, I cried until my throat was hoarse and my eyes hurt. I could feel the stinging pain every time I blinked. It was this pain that made me sober and made me feel that I was not dreaming.
This heart has been wandering without any sense of belonging.
My legs were numb to the point of no feeling. I sat on the ground, staring blankly at the moonlight outside the window, without shedding any tears. The last tear had flowed away, like a thirsty fish that could not find any trace of water.
Late at night, I took difficult steps to turn on the light in the room, looked at the silent house for a long time, and then walked step by step to the bedroom.
The bedroom was also in a mess, with books and sundries scattered on the floor, and clothes thrown everywhere. One piece of clothing was particularly eye-catching.
It was a long red skirt.
This is my mother's relic. My father once told me that he fell in love with my mother because of this long red skirt.
I picked up the skirt and put it on.
Lifting the hem of my skirt, I spun around on the spot, looking seductive and charming. The touch of silk felt like my mother's gentle touch.
I was wearing a red dress, rummaging around the house, not knowing what I was looking for, or what I would find. Among the sundries were Mu Lianru's discarded shoes, Ding Xuan's unused painting tools, and the discarded draft of "Secret Love".
There is a boy without a heart drawn on it, just like Ding Xuan. He held his heart in front of me, but I chose to step on it without hesitation.
In the end, even he didn't want me anymore.
I held the drawing paper tightly, and my heart felt empty.
I also found a bottle of red wine in the utility room, opened it, and drank it in big gulps, as if this would make my heart fuller and fuller.
I walked around the room with the bottle of red wine in my hand, like a child lost in the forest.
Turn and turn and turn...
The red skirt fluttered up like a rose blooming in the morning, and its ostentatious beauty had a kind of startling sadness in the moonlight.
Life is just one big joke.
I was having a long dream, dreaming about many things from my childhood.
In my memory, my mother only appeared in photos. My birth was a disaster for her, so my birth was a mistake because it caused my mother to die during childbirth.
Dad is always very busy, and I can only see his back. Every time I ask him to take me out to play, he always frowns and says earnestly: "Lanlan, Dad is very busy..."
It has been a long time since anyone called me "Lanlan", such an intimate name.
My mother’s last name is Yin, and her favorite color is blue.
When I was a child, I could be considered a freak. I didn’t talk much and didn’t play with other children. Being so unsociable, I was bullied by older children.
There are always people who tear up my textbooks, hide my schoolbag in the trash can, and put turtles on my back, laughing at me for being the ugly turtle.
Every time I went home crying to find my dad, he was never there. As a child, I was always slow to realize that I was not loved, and I just numbly accepted being bullied.
I thought the world was like that at that time, cold and lonely.
Later, my father started to cough all night long. I could hear his heart-wrenching coughs in the middle of the night. I carefully brought water to him and saw that his face was pale and his lips were pale. I asked him what was wrong, and he shook his head weakly and said it was nothing.
When I was little, I didn't dare ask too many questions, for fear that if I said one more word he would get angry and abandon me.
I never knew he was seriously ill, I just knew he took a lot of medicine. When Ding Chushan took me to the hospital, I realized he was so seriously ill.
He lay on the hospital bed, so weak that he couldn't even open his eyes.
I stood in front of the bed, tears streaming down my face.
I was less than seven years old at that time and didn’t understand the meaning of death, let alone what loss was.
Dad took my hand and placed it in Ding Chushan's hand, and said the last three words of his life: "I leave it to you."
Finally, the skinny hand became lifeless.
In my memory, the funeral was very quiet, with only two people in the huge mourning hall. The flames kept licking the paper money, and the flames reflected red cheeks. It was a warm light, but it made people feel cold.
My family members died in an earthquake, leaving only my father, so Ding Chushan and I were the only ones present at the funeral. I timidly tried to hold his hand, but he mercilessly shook it off.
I stood there in a daze, not knowing what I had done wrong.
That memory is so deep and so sad that I am always reluctant to mention it, let alone recall it.
After burying my father and watching him rest in peace, I realized that I no longer had a father, a mother, or a home.
I sat on the cold stone platform and cried for my father. Ding Chushan said coldly, "You don't have a father anymore. You can choose to go back with me, or you can choose to go to an orphanage."
I curled up into a ball, sobbing as I followed Ding Chushan, afraid that he would lose me.
If I knew it was just a deal, I would rather go to an orphanage. Without Ding Xuan and Zhuang Li, my life would be completely different.
Unfortunately, the word "if" is just a beautiful fantasy and wish for those who are dissatisfied with reality.
Ding Chushan is my life-saving straw, and the Ding family is my only place to stay.
The Ding family was very ordinary, and Mu Lianru was still a petty little woman. I remember the first meal I had at the Ding family vividly. In fact, the meal was not very delicious, but I hadn't had a decent meal for a long time, so I ate .
Mu Lianru looked at me like a monster. Later, she was afraid that I would bankrupt the Ding family, so she always controlled my food intake, so that I would go to school hungry every day, and even fight with other children for a piece of candy.
At that time, Ding Lanyin was like a bandit.
After a fight at school, the teacher called Ding Chushan and asked him to come to school. Ding Chushan didn't ask anything and took me back to the Ding family's storage room and locked me up. The storage room had no windows and was pitch black. I could only find some comfort by leaning against the wall.
In fact, I have always been afraid of darkness, because every time darkness comes, I will recall the despair that gradually consumes me.
I don't want to experience that kind of despair and pain again.
I thought I could live a comfortable life in the Ding family, but I didn't expect that Ding Chushan and Mu Lianru would beat me whenever they were not happy, as if I was their punching bag. When I was in elementary school, I was often covered with bruises, and I didn't dare to wear short sleeves and shorts in summer.
At that time, Ding Xuan was held in the palm of his hand, and he had everything he wanted, which made me jealous. Even though I once hated him and wished he would disappear, all these were erased by his kindness to me.
He didn't dare to disobey his family, but he would create something to divert Ding Chushan and Mu Lianru's attention when I was about to be beaten. He would secretly save a portion of all the delicious food for me, and would stand up for me when someone bullied me. Even though we would both be beaten in the end, he still did not hesitate.
Those were my broken childhoods, with no Barbie dolls, no ultimate pampering, nothing at all, and yet so many things kept circling before my eyes.
I seemed to see Su Jingnian, he stood in front of me with a bright smile on his face, and stretched out his hand to me. That slender hand was salvation, I stretched out my hand tremblingly, my nose was sore. But at the moment when I was about to touch him, the scene changed, and I saw Su Jingnian lying in front of me, his body dripping with blood.
The hope at that moment was shattered like a bubble.
I cried out Su Jingnian's name, and Sun Qing suddenly appeared and said coldly: "Ding Lanyin, you killed Su Jingnian, I hate you!"
Did I kill Su Jingnian?
Those memories seem to be confused and difficult to distinguish.
I wanted to run up and grab Sun Qing's hand, but she turned away indifferently. The moment she turned around, the figure turned into Zhuang Li. His back was so indifferent and ruthless. He suddenly said, "You will regret this." The low tone was also chilling.
I watched these past scenes, which stimulated my heart again and again, and the pain was like a flood and a beast crushing my body.
I am slowly sinking in darkness, who can save me?
Zhuang Li, Su Jingnian, Ding Xuan, Dad, Mom...
Who said that if you want something, just go for it? But this is the ending. What did I do wrong?
Finally, there was endless darkness before my eyes...
This is just a dream, but it is my whole life. It consumed my youth and all my emotions, and finally I was abandoned.
A lonely rabbit, running around looking around. Clothes are never as good as new, and people are never as good as old.
I am the rabbit that keeps running, but I don’t know where to go.
This dream is too long and too sad, but I can see the people I want to see. Although I don’t want to wake up, my consciousness is still gathering bit by bit.
I slowly opened my eyes, and what I saw was a suffocating face.
The person in front of him was Zhuang Li, whom he hadn't seen for a long time.
The air smelled of dust and red wine, mixed with Zhuang Li's unique coolness. That coolness slowly sobered me up.
He pursed his lips, stretched out his hand, pulled the corner of his mouth and said: "My princess, the game is over, you are back to me."
I looked at the hand for a long time without moving or saying a word.
Zhuang Li suddenly reached out and tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear. Facing the sudden intimacy and tenderness, I was so scared. There were countless questions in my mind, and too many things were churning in my mind.
I drank too much and my temples were throbbing and hurting as if they were about to explode.
Last night, I curled up on the floor all night, feeling sore and painful all over.
Zhuang Li suddenly approached me and hugged me like a princess. I screamed and hugged his neck reflexively. The two of us were so close, but Zhuang Li seemed so strange now.
The person who was once stingy with hugs and smiles now picks me up.
Zhuang Li seemed to be in a good mood. He said, "From now on, you only have me."
I didn't say anything, just buried my head in his shoulder.
Zhuang Li, what are you going to play this time?
I didn’t understand Zhuang Li before, and I don’t understand him even more now.
He held me in the passenger seat of the car and reached out with one hand to smooth my long hair. My hair and his slender fingers were entangled together, just like our intertwined fate.
I thought I would never see Zhuang Li again in this life, that I would live out my life alone, and that he would hold another woman's hand.
Unexpectedly, he suddenly appeared, catching everyone off guard.
"Are you still the same Zhuang Li?" I asked in a hoarse voice.
He concentrated on driving and replied calmly: "Maybe, maybe not."
His focused look used to make people's hearts beat faster, but now when he appears again, my heart is filled with surprise and subsequent silence, without any ripples.
On the contrary, the man named Su Jingnian is deeply rooted in my heart. Whenever I think of him, my heart aches.
He drove to an unknown place, and when he stopped, I found it was a residential area. The roses around were in full bloom again. It seemed like a lifetime ago that I had gone from sixteen to twenty. Looking at the spreading roses, my dry tear glands shed a few tears.
How beautiful those flowers are, blooming year after year, over and over again, with new life every year. They bloom so hard and persistently in the breeze, even though they know they will wither and turn into mud, they still try to live this short life well.
Zhuang Li pulled me in while I was in a daze. His hands were still cold, but the familiar temperature could not touch my senses.
It was obviously supposed to be an intimate gesture, but I felt that it was no different from holding a kitten or puppy, and the excitement I had at the beginning was completely exhausted.
Zhuang Li has a house in this community, very close to my school. Standing on the high building, I can overlook the school playground. There are three bedrooms in the house, and he led me to one of them. The bedroom is decorated in lake blue, which makes people feel comfortable and peaceful. He opened the wardrobe, picked out a few clothes and threw them to me, saying, "Go wash them."
I nodded woodenly and walked into the bathroom with my clothes in my arms. There were many women's products in the bathroom, all unopened. It was obvious that Zhuang Li had prepared in advance, the bedroom, clothes, and these daily necessities were all so well prepared.
My mind is full of questions and confusion.
I stared blankly at the person in the mirror, from familiar to unfamiliar. The person in the mirror was clearly me, but not me. There was no life between the person's eyebrows, a pair of dull eyes, a thin and yellow face, and the whole person was like a withered flower.
I am only twenty years old, but I look like an old man in his twilight years. How many times can we be twenty years old in our life?
By the time I finished my slow shower, it was almost noon. I walked out slowly, with water dripping from the ends of my hair. Zhuang Li sat on the sofa, took a towel, and said, "Come here."
I walked to his side obediently.
What I didn't expect was that he actually used a towel to wipe my hair gently.
I frowned slightly and asked in a low voice: "Are you really Zhuang Li?"
"I am not the same Zhuang Li as before."
"Why?"
His hand paused, and then I heard him slowly say, "Because the old Zhuang Li couldn't get what he wanted."
Zhuang Li used to be pure and had nothing to desire. Could there be something he couldn't get? I couldn't help but sneer in my heart.
"Tell me, what do you want this time you come back?"
Maybe because of my bad tone, Zhuang Li accidentally pulled my hair. He forced me to turn around to face him, brushed my bangs aside, and then held my face with both hands and said seriously: "I want you!"
This is probably the biggest joke in the world.
I didn't laugh out loud, but said expressionlessly, "I want to go to sleep."
Zhuang Li took my hand and said, "Dry your hair before going to bed." Then he took out a hair dryer and blew my hair dry.
I didn't even say thank you and just walked into the bedroom and fell on the bed.
Zhuang Li was too strange, so strange that I didn't know how to face him. The bed was very soft, the pillow was also soft, my head was dizzy, and I fell asleep after a while.
This time, no one appeared in the dream.
When I opened my eyes again, it was already night. I looked at this strange room and couldn't remember where I was for a moment. When I woke up, I buried my head in the quilt for a while and then got up.
I left the bedroom and found Zhuang Li cutting vegetables in the kitchen. His graceful movements seemed like an artistic work, not something so vulgar.
The house was filled with the smell of food and my stomach was growling with hunger.
Zhuang left for a foreign country, and even his temper changed. He, who had never done housework before, could now cook properly.
I stared blankly at his busy figure, and suddenly felt that his appearance was too confusing, as if he hid too many secrets.
Zhuang Li cooked some light porridge and added some vegetables to whet your appetite. I drank a full bowl and looked at him eating. I tilted my head and asked, "When did you learn all this?"
"You will learn it naturally when the time comes." Zhuang Li looked mysterious.
After dinner, we sat on the sofa and watched TV. I sat one meter away from Zhuang Li, hugging a soft pillow. There was a boring soap opera on TV, and I forced myself to focus on the TV, for fear that I would accidentally move my eyes to Zhuang Li. His presence was so dazzling that people couldn't even control their gaze.
I was watching TV when I suddenly felt Zhuang Li's presence approaching. I turned my head and found that he was only a few centimeters away from me. Zhuang Li's eyes were deep, and it was impossible to see what he was thinking at the moment.
He suddenly touched my face and asked in a hoarse and slightly seductive voice: "Will you come back to me?"
I turned my face away and asked quietly, "Do I have a choice?"
"No." Zhuang Li answered firmly.
Apart from Zhuang Li, I no longer have any choice, and this is the greatest sorrow in my life.
"I've asked for a few days off for you, so you don't have to go to school for the time being. You can stay here for the next few days, and I'll take you around tomorrow."
I kept silent, taking it as my tacit agreement. He had already made arrangements, so why should I ask more questions?
At night, I tossed and turned and couldn't fall asleep. Maybe it was because I slept too much during the day, or maybe it was because I was thinking about Zhuang Li's strange attitude.
Zhuang Li...Zhuang Li...
I suddenly remembered that when Su Jingnian died, Sun Qing said something that seemed to be related to Zhuang Li. But it was too long ago, and I didn't hear it clearly at that time, so I couldn't remember what she said. And after Su Jingnian died, the look that made me feel uneasy could it be Zhuang Li's.
When this hypothesis appeared in my mind, I immediately rejected it because it was totally unlike Zhuang Li's style.
Everything is so confusing...
I don't know when I fell asleep.
Zhuang Li said he would take me out for a walk, and I thought he was just talking, but he really took me out for a walk. In the end, the two of us unknowingly walked to Yacheng High School.
The so-called alma mater is a place that you have cursed a thousand times but do not allow others to curse it even once.
I really don't like Yacheng High School, so I never came back to visit after graduation. Every time I step into Yacheng High School, I always think of someone bullying me in a certain place, or I am afraid to think of the memory with Zhuang Li.
I was particularly afraid to recall the past, so I wanted to turn around and leave. But Zhuang Li held my hand and said expressionlessly, "Let's go in and take a look."
There was no way to refute that tone and expression, so I had no choice but to follow him.
The security guard seemed to recognize Zhuang Li, so he greeted him with a smile: "Young Master Zhuang, you're back. You haven't even changed your girlfriend yet, it seems like you two are very much in love."
This security guard has been at Yacheng High School for some time. He saw me and Zhuang Li walking out of the school gate hand in hand in a high-profile manner.
Zhuang Li just glanced at the security guard and then walked in as if nothing had happened.
At this time, it was time for the get out of class to end. Groups of students were playing around on the road. When they saw Zhuang Li, they pulled the people beside them and whispered to each other.
"Is this person Zhuang Li?"
"That's him. I've seen his photos. He's much more handsome in person."
"Wow, I really want to ask him for his autograph."
Many female students focused their attention on Zhuang Li, with amazement and obsession. I whispered in his ear, "It seems that your fame has spread far and wide. Even after graduation for so long, there are still female students who remember you."
As soon as he finished speaking, a cute school girl came up to him despite being pushed by everyone, handed him a paper and a pen, and asked carefully, "Brother, can you sign for us?"
Zhuang Li turned his head and looked at me, and replied: "You have to ask my girlfriend if she agrees?"
"Is it okay?" The schoolgirl looked at me with harmless eyes and desire.
I smiled and said, "Sorry, it's my personal property and cannot be loaned out."
Zhuang Li raised the corner of his mouth and said, "Since my girlfriend doesn't agree, there's nothing I can do."
I walked away from him, and there were still schoolmates sighing: "That girl is so lucky. If I could be Zhuang Li's girlfriend, I would laugh like crazy."
There was indeed a smile on my face, but I was feeling sarcastic in my heart.
How can there be any happiness as Zhuang Li’s girlfriend?
Those junior schoolmates only saw Zhuang Li's perfect appearance, but didn't know what kind of personality Zhuang Li had. If it were in the past, I would have watched coldly when something like this happened.
But now, we have to put on a show.
I must find out the purpose of Zhuang Li's return and why he prepared everything so quickly, as if he had anticipated that one day I would end up like that.
I said that to dispel his vigilance, and it really sounded good to him.
The two of us were walking on campus, and many people's eyes fell on Zhuang Li and me, with undisguised envy. In the past, I would have been extremely vain, but now, I felt nothing.
When I left school, I met Mr. Fang, the director of the teaching department. At first, I hated the director of the teaching department because he often caused trouble for me in private. When Zhuang Li and I were together, the school strictly prohibited premature love. The director of the teaching department was straightforward and not afraid of power. He asked Zhuang Li and I to have tea in his office many times. In the end, I didn't hate this old-fashioned man so much. Now he is almost sixty years old. When he saw us, he exclaimed: "You two are still together?"
I didn't say anything. Zhuang Li walked up to me and greeted me politely: "Hello, teacher."
"Zhuang Li, you are becoming more and more handsome. Ding Lanyin, you are becoming more and more beautiful." Teacher Fang said with a smile.
I smiled and said "thank you ".
He half-closed his eyes, as if recalling: "When you went abroad to study, I thought you would break up with this girl. I was surprised to see you two ."
"I was surprised too." Zhuang Li replied .
I said silently in my heart: I was even more surprised.
"Little girl, Zhuang Li loves you dearly. When he went abroad, he asked the Academic Affairs Office to waive your tuition and increase your living allowance, and he didn't let me tell you."
I was stunned, because I really didn't know there was such a thing. When I went to pay the tuition, the Academic Affairs Office said that the tuition was waived and money would be transferred to the meal card regularly. After asking, I was told that it was a subsidy for poor students. But I never thought that it was Zhuang Li's care.
Now that I know the truth, I am really surprised. I look at Zhuang Li with a puzzled look: "Why?"
Zhuang Li replied in a low voice: "No reason."
Teacher Fang held the books, smiled and waved, saying, "It would be good if you could come back often to visit us old antiques. I still have classes, so I'll leave first. I wish you happiness."
After Teacher Fang left, I was still in a daze.
Everyone is saying "You are so happy", but why can't I feel a bit of happiness? I keep thinking about Su Jingnian's smile in my mind.
Time is cruel and can change many things. The living are just living, but the dead remain in the hearts of the living forever. Only the separation of death is insurmountable. Su Jingnian lives in my heart, and no one can compare to him.
Zhuang Li finally lost to a dead man. This is his sorrow, Su Jingnian's sorrow, and my sorrow. The three of us are destined to be unhappy.