I may not understand the hardship of a person turning away, but I know that I sometimes do the same thing myself. Even if I know that I can't do anything, I am willing to take a gamble. Because my life is almost gone, I can't live without you. But I am me, and Lin Xiaolun is Lin Xiaolun. No matter how inseparable we are, we are two different people.

I won't be sad alone just because Lin Xiaolun and Ding Chuchu are together.
Lin Xiaolun treats me the same as before, but he gave some of his feelings for me to Ding Chuchu, just like my father gave some of his love for my mother to me. It’s the same principle, right?
When I was getting water in the dormitory corridor, I heard two girls whispering next to me.
"Oh, you mean Qin Le and Ding Chuchu from the e-commerce class? Let me tell you, the relationship between these two is complicated. Ding Chuchu is now Lin Xiaolun's girlfriend, and Qin Le is Lin Xiaolun's childhood sweetheart. But I think that even if they are childhood sweethearts, they should have some self-awareness, right? After all, they are the boyfriend and girlfriend, don't you think?"
Another girl lifted her bangs and said sarcastically, "Just because you haven't seen a bitch doesn't mean there aren't any bitches in this world. If you walk too much on the night road, you'll always see ghosts."
"But I heard that it was Ding Chuchu who poached us?"
The girl who was lifting her bangs laughed and said, "No, Qin Le has had a crush on Lin Xiaolun for a long time, but Lin Xiaolun only treats Qin Le as a friend. Lin Xiaolun likes Ding Chuchu, and it's not like Ding Chuchu is trying to steal his boyfriend! However, knowing that her friend likes Lin Xiaolun, she still agrees to be his girlfriend. Such a girl is shameless."
I turned off the faucet, turned my back to them, and said coldly, "Who do you call a bitch? Who do you call shameless?"
The two girls who were talking turned to look at me. When I turned around, they looked a little surprised. I was famous on the school forum, so it was not surprising that they knew me.
The girl who had just lifted her bangs had a cigarette between her fingers.
I laughed and said, "Aren't you afraid that the dorm auntie will come up?"
The girl took a puff of her cigarette, slowly exhaled a circle of smoke, and flicked off the ash: "Are you an elementary school student?"
"Are you kids in preschool?" I retorted sarcastically, "When you insult someone behind their back, reach out and touch your own face to see if it's still there. Otherwise, you won't know when it was lost. Oh, and your parents' faces, too."
"You're scolding people without mentioning your parents. Don't you know the rules?" The smoking girl walked up to me with a provocative look on her face.
I raised the corner of my mouth slightly and asked coldly: "What are the rules, Wu Dalang?"
The girl's face suddenly changed and I could hear her fists creaking.
I curled my lips and said sarcastically, "You seem to be very sensitive to this name, Wu Dalang!"
The girl raised her hand to hit me, and I stopped her.
"Pa--" She slapped my arm, and then she reached out and pushed my shoulder. I stepped into the accumulated water, slipped, and hit the water tank heavily.
"Tingting, forget it!" The girl next to me came over and held her back. My hand hit the faucet, and with a "splash", boiling water poured onto my hand.
I turned off the faucet with great pain, and felt an unbearable burning pain on the back of my hand.
The girl who beat the boy was dragged into the dormitory by her companions, and the door was slammed shut.
I got up from the ground, not caring about the water I had just received, and returned to my dormitory with mixed thoughts.
I hung my head, my hair falling on my shoulders, looking extremely disheveled.
Ding Chuchu saw me like this and came over to ask with concern: "Le Le, what's wrong with you? Where's the water you fetched?"
I stared at the ground in a trance, thinking about the gossip between the two girls, and didn't say anything.
"Le Le." Ding Chuchu pulled my hand worriedly.
"Ah—it hurts." I couldn't help but frown and pulled out my injured left hand.
Ding Chuchu grabbed my arm and took a closer look. The back of my hand was already red. She dragged me into the bathroom, turned on the faucet, and put my hand under the cold water to rinse. While rinsing, she scolded me: "What's wrong with you? You were so careless when boiling water. How did you get burned like this?"
I said angrily, "I just heard two girls gossiping, and when I was arguing with them, I got pushed and lost my balance."
Ding Chuchu looked at my injury carefully and said anxiously, "No, it's useless to rinse it with cold water. We have to go to the infirmary."
Yangyang dug out a ball of gauze from her medicine box and handed it over: "Wrap it with gauze first before going to the infirmary to prevent infection."
Ding Chuchu gently wiped the water stains on my hands, and then wrapped the entire back of my hand tightly with gauze.
While sitting in the infirmary and watching the doctor apply medicine and bandage on me, Ding Chuchu asked me, "Which dormitory are those two girls from?"
"Do you still want to fight with them?" I asked.
Ding Chuchu poked my forehead and said angrily, "You've been burned like this, I want to avenge you!"
"Why, do you want to perm it again?" I looked up at Ding Chuchu.
Ding Chuchu’s frustrated look made me feel that my burns were not a big deal. It also made me feel that one was someone who truly cared about me, and the other was someone I truly cared about. When the two of them were together, I would feel at a loss.
The doctor handed the burn medicine to Ding Chuchu and reminded her: "Don't touch raw water. Change the ointment every day."
Ding Chuchu thanked the doctor and took me back to the dormitory.
I was in a daze, thinking about what I should do. I still didn't believe it, didn't believe it was true, what I saw wasn't necessarily true, what I felt in my heart was the most important .
I always believed in my heart that Lin Xiaolun still cared about me.
Be it self-deception or wild imagination, I am ready to bear all the good and bad consequences.
Guo Lu told me that in order to take time out to accompany Ding Chuchu, Lin Xiaolun always took good care of Ding Chuchu in addition to his normal class time.
I didn't quite believe it at first and always felt that I still had a chance.
I held the watering can and leaned quietly against the wall of the teaching building.
In the classroom, Ding Chuchu watched Lin Xiaolun eat the loving lunch she made bite by bite.
If they usually acted so intimate in front of me just to show me, then in this scene, I could no longer find any reason.
I lowered my eyes and my vision gradually blurred.
I lowered my head, my feet felt like they were tied with heavy sandbags, and I struggled to get to the faucet. I turned on the faucet in a trance, opened the lid of the watering can, and prepared to collect water.
Suddenly, a slender hand turned the faucet. The owner of the hand lifted my arm, stared at my bandaged hand, frowned and said, "Hey, the doctor said that you can't touch your hands with raw water."
I came back to my senses and murmured, "Why is it you again?"
Guo Lu was stunned when he heard this: "You seem very regretful?"
"No." I shook my head, feeling listless, and walked to the pavilion next to me and sat down. "I just thought it was a coincidence."
Guo Lu sat next to me and said, "This is it, do you remember?"
"Hmm?" I raised my head slightly, not understanding what Guo Lu was talking about.
Guo Lu smiled and said, "You first formally met me here, and I even ate the peach blossom cake you made."
I think about it, it was only two months ago, but it feels like a century has passed.
Seeing that I was silent, Guo Lu approached me and called softly, "Le Le."
"Hmm?" I pushed the hair beside my cheeks behind my ears, stretched out my legs and swayed them casually.
"Can I... care about you a little more?" Guo Lu asked softly.
Something in my heart was touched. Many years ago, a teenager also said something like this to me. But now, times have changed.
I'm not so stupid that I don't understand what Guo Lu means, but since I don't know how to answer, I might as well play dumb.
I looked at him in confusion, as if I had just recovered from my distraction: "Huh?"
Guo Lu's eyes froze for a moment, then he lowered his eyelids and said softly, "Nothing, I just think it's a very happy thing to be Lele's friend."
I smiled and said, "You are quite content."
Guo Lu said meaningfully: "People need to be content to be happy. The more you desire, the more tired you will be."
I stretched and joked, "Master Guo has a pretty good outlook on life. Whoever marries you will be happy in the future."
Guo Lu seemed a little embarrassed when I teased him.
While we were chatting and laughing, my cell phone text message ringtone rang, and then Guo Lu's cell phone text message ringtone also rang.
I picked up my phone and saw that it was a text message from Ding Chuchu.
I read it word by word: "Come to my house for dinner tonight, Qin Le from the Iron Four."
Guo Lu held up his phone and waved it in front of me. It said, "Come to our house for dinner tonight. Guo Lu from the Iron Four."
"What the hell is going on?" I looked at the words on my phone helplessly and turned back to ask Guo Lu, "Are you going?"
"Go." Guo Lu nodded.
There was no class in the afternoon, so we arrived at Ding Chuchu's house early. She was very loyal and sent her parents to her grandmother's house so that we could have fun in the evening.
Lin Xiaolun and Guo Lu stayed at home to clean the house, while Ding Chuchu and I went out to buy groceries.
On the way, Ding Chuchu said to me mysteriously: "Le Le, I'll take you to meet two people."
"Oh." I agreed without thinking too much.
Unexpectedly, the people Ding Chuchu took me to meet were the two girls who had an argument with me and pushed me to the ground.
I was a little surprised when I saw them.
Ding Chuchu pushed me from behind, and the two girls took a step back, as if they were very afraid of me.
"Why don't you apologize?" Ding Chuchu stood behind me and said coldly.
I remember the girl who pushed me was called Tingting, and I don’t know the name of the girl who pulled her. She kept holding Tingting’s arm and whispering “I’m sorry”.
Tingting didn't look at me either, she just kept looking elsewhere and said calmly, "I'm sorry for pushing you."
I don't want to have too much contact with these people, so I don't care whether they apologize or not.
I ignored them and walked away taking Ding Chuchu's hand.
Halfway through the walk, I stopped and asked in confusion, "How did you get them to apologize?"
Ding Chuchu said in a proud tone: "The girl named Tingting, her mother has a very good friend in the training department. I just collected some shameful things about her and threatened her. This girl named Tingting is not afraid of anything except her mother."
I fully understand Ding Chuchu's feelings of defending me, but I don't want to make my social circle too complicated. In the past, there was only Lin Xiaolun in my world .
I said, "Chu Chu, I'm not familiar with them, and I don't want to have any contact with them, so please don't stand up for me anymore. I'm grateful that you care about me so much, but I just want to have a simple circle, and you guys are enough."
Ding Chuchu glanced at me with a faint smile on her lips.
She turned and walked into the vegetable market and said, "Qin Le, you have changed."
Changed? Really?
It’s okay to change. People must be content to be happy. The more they desire, the more tired they will be.
I suddenly understood the meaning of what Guo Lu said. It was just Lin Xiaolun, but my heart was already so exhausted.
All the dishes that night were cooked by Ding Chuchu and Lin Xiaolun . Guo Lu and I sat in the living room playing poker, and the laughter of Ding Chuchu and Lin Xiaolun could be heard from the kitchen from time to time.
Guo Lu tapped my forehead with a card and said unhappily, "Hey, Lele, pay attention."
I laughed a few times and continued playing cards with Guo Lu, but my attention would still intentionally or unintentionally drift towards the kitchen and to Lin Xiaolun's side.
Lin Xiaolun seemed to do it on purpose, deliberately making Ding Chuchu laugh, until Ding Chuchu shyly said "Don't do this", he stopped with satisfaction.
When this happened for the fifth time, I finally couldn't sit still anymore. I threw away the cards in my hand, pointed at Guo Lu and said, "They are busy in the kitchen, but we are playing cards here. Is this really okay?"
After saying that, I stood up and walked into the kitchen, squeezed in between Ding Chuchu and Lin Xiaolun, rolled up my sleeves and said, "Let me help you. Chairman Mao said that if you work hard for yourself, you will have enough food and clothing. I can't sit outside and wait for ready-made food. I won't be able to bear it." I picked up the kitchen knife in one hand and used the other hand to scoop out the lotus roots from the basin in front of Lin Xiaolun.
Lin Xiaolun fished the lotus root out of the water faster than me, snatched the kitchen knife from my hand, and said, "Chu Chu and I would rather the injured person have a good rest."
"Lin Xiaolun, from childhood to adulthood, when have you ever seen me unable to take care of myself because of an injury?" I was very dissatisfied with Lin Xiaolun's words.
Lin Xiaolun got excited when he heard me say that. He stretched out his hand and started to count his fingers in front of me. “When you were 7 years old, you used needle and thread to mend your little bear and you got a small cut on your index finger. You cried and said you were going to die and asked me to comfort you and buy you delicious food. When you were 8 years old, you fell off your bicycle while learning to ride it. I caught you and your knee was only slightly scratched. You said you were lame and asked me to carry you back home... There are so many things that you cannot take care of yourself in life. I won’t list them all.”
My face turned red and I shouted angrily, "Lin Xiaolun, you remember it so clearly that I would mistakenly think..." The words came to my lips but I swallowed them back in time.
"Why?" Ding Chuchu asked behind me, her tone full of curiosity.
Lin Xiaolun took over the conversation and continued to lecture me: "When you were little, your parents were often not around, so I spoiled you and pampered you. But now you are a big girl, an adult, and you can't do many things arbitrarily."
"You don't need to teach me a lesson." I was very upset and turned around and walked out of the kitchen.
Guo Lu sat on the sofa, arranged the cards in two rows, and said calmly: "Waiting for you."
"I don't want to eat anymore." I packed my bag and prepared to rush out the door. What Lin Xiaolun had just said exploded in my mind like a bomb.
Why can't adults do whatever they want?
Is the reason why adults are called adults because they are more sensible than minors ? However, the difference between 18 and 17 can be only one day.
How can I be sensible as you say?
My thoughts are in a tangle, tangled and confusing.
"Le Le, draw a card." Guo Lu's voice was still so calm.
My self-esteem was finally defeated by my feelings for Lin Xiaolun. I turned around, put my bag back on the sofa, squatted across from Guo Lu, and continued to play the card game with him without saying a word.
This meal tasted like wax to me.
I slept with Ding Chuchu at night.
After turning off the lights, Ding Chuchu and I couldn't sleep. We both put our hands outside the quilt and looked at the ceiling.
Ding Chuchu spoke slowly: "Lele, you still have feelings for Lin Xiaolun, right?"
I nodded: "Yeah."
"So I'm poaching my good friend?" Ding Chuchu's voice was a little , which made me feel like there seemed to be a lot of stories behind her words.
I said calmly, "For so many years, he is the only friend I have had while growing up. I find it ridiculous even to say it myself. I want to get closer to Lin Xiaolun, but I am concerned about your relationship. I want to stay away from Lin Xiaolun, but I feel that I am just imagining things and don't deserve to have such a long-term trust and friendship."
I think if I were an actor, I would be very dedicated .
However, such lies still prove that one has something to hide. If one's heart is truly clear, why would one care so much?
Friends are friends, and people you like are people you like.
Ding Chuchu turned around, gently put her arm around my arm, leaned her head on my shoulder, and said softly, "Lin Xiaolun, he is really good."
I reached out and hugged Ding Chuchu, touching her hair from time to time.
Ding Chuchu said dazedly: "If it's because you can't let go of the friendship between you and Lin Xiaolun for so many years, it's okay. You don't have to worry about my relationship with him, because you and I are also friends."
Ding Chuchu fell asleep while talking.
I stared at the ceiling blankly, muttering to myself: "Friends..."
The scene when Ding Chuchu first told me that she had a crush on Lin Xiaolun emerged in my mind. At that time, she didn't like any boy in the school, but she fell in love with Lin Xiaolun.
Later, Ding Chuchu noticed that there were some minor conflicts between Lin Xiaolun and me, so she tried to find a way to ease the relationship between him and me.
So, does she really think now that my feelings for Lin Xiaolun are more than friends but less than lovers?
When I closed my eyes, the past and the present kept alternating in my mind, hitting my psychological defenses again and again.
Qin Le, how long are you going to torture yourself before you give up?