With Tang Tang's introduction, I successfully got two part-time jobs, and the wages were paid on a daily basis, which prevented my life from being too difficult.
It’s a pity that I no longer have free time like before. After all, I spend almost all my time in classes and working.
Since then, I rarely went to Lu Mingyu's school to see him. He asked me why I was so busy, and I could only use the excuse that I had too many classes. And when he occasionally invited me to a party, I could only find other reasons to refuse. The kind of party he invited me to was either to go to another city with a few people or to eat at a very expensive place, which I couldn't afford. Even if I knew he would pay for me, I didn't want to.
I don't want to owe him anything for such a small thing.
If you like him, you should treat him as an equal, without clinging to him or relying on him, right?
With the arrival of winter snow, the city returned to winter again, and Lu Mingyu's birthday came.
Thinking that Lu Mingyu hadn't had new gloves and scarves since winter, and that knitting scarves was a trend in school, I asked Yu Caicai for advice and started to buy them. Fortunately, I was quite good at this, and I knitted the scarves and gloves quickly.
Come to think of it, I haven't seen him for a long time.
So, on impulse, I took a taxi directly to his school, holding my scarf and gloves.
It was already eight o'clock in the evening , and snow was falling from the sky. I was wearing a thin cashmere coat and felt very cold. There were fewer people in the school, and I took out my cell phone to call him while walking towards his dormitory.
I called dozens of times, but the call was never answered.
He must be out playing now. Considering the strict access control in their school, I thought he might come back soon. While I was thinking, I had already walked to the bottom of his dormitory.
His dormitory building is the only new building in the school. There is a very large square downstairs. When the weather is not cold, many clubs perform here, but in winter, the crowds become sparse. At this time, the only ones left are couples who are reluctant to leave.
I paced around, looked around, and found a bench to sit down on.
The moonlight sprinkled down coldly, accompanied by the halo of the street lamp, stretching my shadow very long. Snowflakes fell on my coat one by one, and I began to count them. Strangely, I didn't feel bored at all, and even felt a strange sense of satisfaction in my heart.
In a little while, I will be able to see him.
How does he look recently? Has he lost weight or gained weight?
Thinking about it carefully, I should also register on an alumni website that everyone is using, so that I can often see his updates.
He always says that I am like an old and backward person, and now that I think about it, it is true.
Thinking of this, I actually laughed softly.
The next second, I was stunned by my own stupid behavior. I subconsciously held my cheeks, feeling that I was stupid beyond reason.
At the same time, I raised my eyes and fell on a couple not far away. I don't know why I noticed them among several couples, maybe it was because they were both tall and thin, dressed in Western style, and looked too dazzling.
But why do that couple kissing passionately look so familiar?
When I saw the pair of brown leather boots on the girl's feet, I finally realized that the person was Cheng Duo. And before I could be shocked, I found that the boy holding her face was Lu Mingyu.
With a "crash", something seemed to collapse in my heart.
My world suddenly became quiet, and my internal organs seemed to be suffocating.
Countless questions exploded in my head, and I even thought I was dreaming.
Why is it him?
Why is he my most beloved boy?
The boy who had always been so clear and pure in my heart was actually kissing another girl so seriously and passionately.
What’s even more ridiculous is that I clearly knew that girl, but even though their relationship had reached this point, I was like a fool and knew nothing.
I thought that I had some weight in Lu Mingyu's heart; I thought that he would tell me no matter who he was with, not to mention that that person was my roommate; I also thought that as long as I accompanied him slowly and treated him well, one day, maybe, there was a little possibility, he would like me as much as I liked him.
But that’s what I thought after all.
I stepped back step by step, turned around, and dared not look any further.
Suddenly, those words flashed in my mind again: Pei Jixing, wake up , he doesn't like you again.
At this second, I finally understood how painful it was to have a knife stuck into flesh.
I subconsciously covered my chest, my heart beating regularly, telling me I was still alive. But even so, I couldn't stop my tears from pouring down.
These tears were blown away by the wind, froze into ice and formed frost.
The flowers in my heart that bloomed from the dust because of Lu Mingyu's appearance have withered and fallen to the ground and no longer exist.
Lu Mingyu, how can I tell you that I like you so much that it hurts and makes me cry?
That night, I walked a long way alone and returned to the dormitory.
The cold wind had made me wilt, and my hands holding the bag were numb from the cold.
Tang Tang, who had just finished washing up and was getting ready for bed, was stunned when she saw me. She said I looked like a wandering ghost, or a stupid one.
I forced a smile for her, then climbed onto the bed and buried my head in the quilt.
I didn't cry anymore, but at this moment, I felt more uncomfortable than crying.
Lu Mingyu called me at this time, but I didn't have the courage to answer. I was afraid that I would cry in front of him, I was afraid that he would know the secret that I liked him, I was afraid that after he knew it, he would never be able to treat me the same way as before.
I made up my mind and hung up the phone.
He didn't call again.
And until the lights were turned off, Cheng Duo didn't come back.
I curled myself up into a ball, hiding stiffly in the quilt, forcing myself not to think about anything. I wanted to fall into a deep sleep, and it would be best if I didn't wake up!
The next day, I was awakened by Tang Tang's roar.
It was already 2pm, and I had missed the entire morning's classes. My roommate and I were not from the same major, so Tang Tang didn't know I had missed classes.
She pulled me up from under the quilt, and when she saw that I looked half human and half ghost and in a listless state, she completely exploded.
She slammed the water cup and books on the table, and shouted angrily: "Pei Jixing, that's enough. You've made yourself like this for a boy. Is it worth it?"
It turned out that she knew what I had been through without asking.
"No matter how much you like him, even if he's not with you, do you have to make it impossible for you to live a good life? Don't even mention him if you do this, any boy will be scared away by you !" She was fierce and merciless.
But I am not angry at all, because right now, I need someone like this to scold me and wake me up.
I looked at her with grievance, tears falling down my face.
Tang Tang's eyes suddenly softened, and she came over and hugged me gently.
"He chose Cheng Duo." I said sobbing.
After hearing this, Tang Tang's body was obviously shocked. She didn't expect things to be like this. After all, we all know that Cheng Duo is not a clean person. She had a boyfriend before, but we haven't heard whether they broke up or not.
But what does it matter? This is still Lu Mingyu's choice.
After that day, I had a fever for several days in a row, took leave from work and classes, and slept in the dormitory for three full days.
During these three days, I told myself not to think about anything, but that doesn't mean others don't think about anything. The news that Lu Mingyu and Cheng Duo were together spread like wildfire, and I didn't bother to care, but Cheng Duo looked at me with a more unfamiliar look. During these three days, I didn't contact Lu Mingyu, not even on his birthday.
After I recovered, I finally had the strength to start again.
However, Lu Mingyu came to the door at this time.
It was five o'clock in the afternoon. I was about to go to the convenience store to work, but I found Lu Mingyu waiting downstairs of my dormitory. He stopped me without thinking, which scared me.
"I finally found you!" he gasped.
"What's the matter?" I gave him a polite smile and gently pushed away his hand that was pulling my arm.
"Why didn't you answer my call?" he asked with a frown.
My smile deepened. He was always like this, even a question was asked so seriously, so seriously that I always thought he really cared about me.
"Why do I have to answer your call?" I still answered with a smile, and his expression became more and more uglier.
"Cheng Duo is not in the dormitory right now. If you want to find her, you'll have to find her yourself. I still have to go to work." As I said that, I walked around him and moved forward.
But he chased after her relentlessly: "I came to see you today."
"Oh." I replied.
"I was wrong for not answering your call that day. I heard from others that you went to my dormitory to see me that day. I know that I was wrong for not telling you that Cheng Duo and I were together, but I really hadn't figured out how to tell you, so -"
"Nothing, really." I stopped and looked at him steadily, "Lu Mingyu, although we are friends, you have your freedom, and I have no right to interfere."
Even if that person you like, I don't like him or her at all.
"I--" He wanted to say something, but couldn't. After a while, he raised his head and said, "Don't ignore me, okay?"
I looked at his eyes that were as bright as the starry sky, and suddenly I couldn't smile anymore. After all, my acting skills were poor and I couldn't hide the desolation in my heart.
"I'm not ignoring you." I said lightly, "It's just that you have a girlfriend now, and we can't get too close. After all, we are still in the same dormitory."
"Okay." He nodded and said sincerely, "Xiao Xingxing, we are lifelong friends. I will never abandon you no matter what, even if I have a girlfriend."
I looked at him, smiled helplessly, and turned my head away.
Because this is the only way I can hide the sadness in my heart.
Who wants to be friends with you for life? I just want to be with you, not as friends, but as a relationship where I love you and you love me.
Unfortunately, you will never understand.
After waiting for me for an hour downstairs in the dormitory, Lu Mingyu and Cheng Duo's relationship finally became clear, as if it had been promised.
To celebrate the two of them being together, people from Lu Mingyu's dormitory and people from my dormitory went out for dinner on a cold winter night.
It was also at this time that I learned that Cheng Duo's favorite food was hot pot. It turned out that her hostility towards me really had a long history. I think that maybe she fell in love with Lu Mingyu from the first time she saw him, even though she already had a boyfriend at the time. As for me, it was probably the kind of mentality that, why can you dominate Lu Mingyu when you are so much worse than me.
As we drank and chatted, I finally figured out this truth.
At that time, Cheng Duo was in high spirits. She held Lu Mingyu's arm intimately and whispered in his arms. The powder on her face was rubbed onto the sweatshirt I gave to Lu Mingyu without any hesitation.
That night, they drank a lot of wine, and Yu Caicai almost carried Cheng Duo back to the dormitory. Tang Tang and I walked behind hand in hand, and the two of us walked on the snow, making crunching sounds all the way.
"Little Star, do you know? Two boys at the table noticed you today. It seems you are quite charming!" She saw that I was looking listless and tried to make me laugh.
"No way, stop trying to make me happy," I said.
"I'm not a human if I lie to you. But what surprised me the most was that Lu Mingyu kept looking at you. Cheng Duo was a little angry, otherwise she wouldn't have drunk so much."
"Stop talking nonsense, how is it possible!" I was extremely surprised.
But, to be honest, I was so focused on eating that night that I didn't bother to pay attention to anything else on the table. The only reason I paid attention to Cheng Duo was because she was so high-profile.
"Well, no matter what, Cheng Duo and your Lu Mingyu will break up within two months." She shrugged.
"Why?" I asked.
"Women's intuition." She winked at me and smiled mysteriously.
I don't know what women's intuition is, and I have no intention of prying into the relationship between the two. I always remember what Tang Tang said, I can't give up my own life because of Lu Mingyu.
And the two of them seemed to have really lived up to Tang Tang's words. After the dinner, they began to quarrel endlessly.
I have rarely contacted Lu Mingyu. Even if he called me, I would just say a few words and then find an excuse to hang up to avoid suspicion.
But for a long time afterwards, I could still hear this name because it always appeared in Cheng Duo's roars for no reason. Cheng Duo had a hot temper, and Lu Mingyu was not to be outdone. The two often got angry over trivial matters. It happened that something happened at Lu Mingyu's home, and he ignored Cheng Duo's birthday. Cheng Duo was furious, and the two had the biggest fight since they met.
What surprised all of us was that Cheng Duo didn't look sad at all, and was asked out by another boy the next day.
But of course Lu Mingyu didn't know about this. I didn't want to tell him that I didn't want to get involved in what happened between them.
But things in this world are always contrary to one's wishes. When I want to live a peaceful life, there will always be someone who comes to disturb me.
At that time, I had just finished class and was about to go out for dinner, but I saw Lu Mingyu standing in the snow, with a gloomy expression and even his beard not shaved clean.
He was wearing a thick down jacket and when he saw me, he smiled like a child.
Only at times like this will I remember that he is still the boy who led me out of the darkness on that snowy day.
I have to admit that even though he looked so decadent, he still looked quite handsome. He strode towards me and I could smell the faint scent of tobacco on him.
"Beauty, would you mind having dinner with me?" he said with a smile.
"Okay," I said.
Lu Mingyu took me to a Sichuan restaurant behind the school with ease. He said that spicy food is the best food in winter.
My heart suddenly ached. Before Lu Mingyu met Cheng Duo, he never ate spicy food because he would feel uncomfortable after eating it. My little boy was changed by a girl, and I was helpless.
If he knew that the girl he liked was having fun with other boys outside , would he still care about her?
Lu Mingyu pretended to be happy and chatted with me casually while drinking.
He told me that his father recently retired early and went into business, but he met the wrong people and his business ran into difficulties and he lost a lot of money.
His mother became angry and fell ill as well.
The final exam was approaching, and he had no idea where to start reviewing.
He kept on talking like an old lady, but I kept chatting with him without getting bored.
He didn't mention Cheng Duo at all, but I knew that his heart was filled with her.
We chatted and ate like this, and stayed until the shop closed.
Lu Mingyu was already extremely drunk. After I paid the bill, I sent him to a small hotel. He felt very uncomfortable. He vomited and cried, cried and vomited again. He sometimes called Cheng Duo, and sometimes called my name .
Finally, I had no choice but to go back to school to try my luck. I wanted to bring Cheng Duo to him.
Long, long time later, whenever I recalled the time when I went to Cheng Duo for him, I felt ashamed and sad. It was not because of Cheng Duo's ugly words, but because she put these indisputable facts in front of me.
At that time, Cheng Duo had already returned from her trip. I thought I was lucky because I found her washing clothes in the laundry room and pulled her to the corner of the stairs.
When Cheng Duo smelled the alcohol on me, her expression changed immediately.
"Did he come to you to complain?" She looked at me fiercely.
"No, he just drank too much. I put him in a hotel outside the school. Can you go and take care of him tonight? He really needs you." I ignored her hostility and went straight to the point.
But she didn't appreciate it at all and just grinned in a very sarcastic way.
"Isn't this a good opportunity for you? Don't waste it!" she said sarcastically.
I don't know where I got the courage from, I looked at her coldly and said , "Don't think that everyone is like you."
"Yes, you are so pure and noble. How come you can't chase the person you like if you are so pure and noble? I heard that you two were childhood sweethearts, but why do I feel like you are a spare tire among spare tires?"
"Oh, no, it may not even be as good as the rubber on the spare tire," she said, and laughed to herself.
Surprisingly, I wasn't angry at all, even though her words were extremely harsh. But thinking of Lu Mingyu's decadent look of drinking to drown his sorrows, I could only say a few good words.
"Something happened at home recently, so he got a little impatient. It was wrong of him to forget your birthday, so can't you just…"
"Is it your turn to speak about what happened between us?" Cheng Duo's tone suddenly became high. "Pei Jixing, I hated you from the first time I saw you. With your looks, are you worthy of being by Lu Mingyu's side and enjoying his kindness to you? Who are you pretending to be so pitiful and cold all day long? Only him, who is foolishly deceived by you. However, this is the only way you can win his attention!"
I looked at her quietly, my eyes were as calm as a pool of stagnant water, but my heart was filled with raging waves.
"Lu Mingyu likes beautiful women with good figures, and he can afford to play with beautiful women, big beautiful women! Forget about people like you who have a skinny figure and are stubborn, you can't do that even with plastic surgery! No matter how good you are to him, you can only be a spare tire for the rest of your life! I advise you to see yourself clearly, don't be so stupid as to be someone's free servant and feel so happy about it!"
After yelling at me, she walked away without looking back.
Cheng Duo is lucky.
Because I didn't have anything that could be used as a weapon around me at the moment, if I had, I think she would have cried and called the police. After all, I inherited many of Chen Meihua's violent genes, but when these violent genes cannot be released, they often become harmful to myself.
Yes, I banged my head against the wall more than once.
Then I squatted in the corner and cried softly with a hoarse voice.
Many times, I want to cry and scream, but usually I can't cry. But when I really cry, I feel even sadder. I am not the kind of beauty recognized by the public, especially the kind that Lu Mingyu prefers. But what's wrong with that? I like Lu Mingyu, what's wrong with that?
I just wanted to stay with Lu Mingyu quietly, without any excessive demands. But why did she go so far as to expose this matter to humiliate me?
What’s even more terrifying is that she concluded that Lu Mingyu would never fall in love with me.
And I actually know in my heart that she is right.
Lu Mingyu won’t like me.
This fact makes people sad and desperate.
The best time of secret love is when you keep the love hidden deep in your heart and have secret expectations blooming in your heart, instead of having it exposed bluntly, brought to the dust, and told that it is impossible and you are not worthy.
Because of this, I hated her even more.
At this moment, I even thought cruelly that it would be great if she suddenly disappeared.
When I realized this thought, I suddenly realized that—
It turns out that I am so bad, worse than anyone else.
Thinking of this, my tears flowed harder and harder.
But I know that I can't do anything about myself.
If someone asked me what was the most embarrassing thing I had ever done in my life, I would definitely tell him that everything I did that night made me so ashamed and angry that I regretted it.
For the boy I liked, I threw away all my self-esteem and kowtowed in front of my rival, but was severely humiliated. Moreover, I didn't even have a single word to refute him.
Because I liked someone who didn't like me, I didn't even have the courage to refute.
Some people say that to love someone is to humble yourself to the dust and bloom.
And my love is just dust.
As small and fragile as dust, looked down upon by others.