God, you didn't hear my cries.
When I arrived at the hospital, the white bed sheet was pulled up, covering Sheng Yinuo's face.
The whole world seemed to have turned white. The cries and heart-wrenching screams turned silent. Time slowed down at this moment.
For the first time, I knew what it felt like to be heartbroken to the point of numbness.
It's like sealing yourself in an ice cellar. The frost seals all your organs, your breathing becomes slow and heavy , and your heart is cold and painful.
There were many people crying around me, but I was the only one who didn't shed tears. I stared at the person on the bed with wide eyes, waiting for him to pull back the sheets, sit up from the bed, stick out his tongue at me and say, "Su Bei, you were fooled, right? Haha, I was lying to you."
Yes, this all has to be a hoax.
Or rather, it was a dream...
"Sheng Yinuo, you must be lying to me, right? I have already exposed your scam. Hurry up and get up, or I will never talk to you again." I muttered, walked to the bed, and lifted the sheets with a laugh.
The man lay quietly on the bed, with deep and shallow scars and bruises on his forehead, nose, and corners of his mouth.
I raised my hand and poked his face, then said with a smile, "Sheng Yinuo, stop playing, it's time to wake up."
He still didn't open his eyes.
"You pretend so well! You see, I was really fooled by you, Sheng Yinuo, you won this time, okay? This game is not fun, I don't want to play it anymore..." I held Sheng Yinuo's cold begged over and over again.
Why did I like arguing with him so much in the past?
This time I give up in advance, so, Sheng Yinuo, can you please wake up?
"Su Bei! Su Bei! Sheng Yinuo is dead, dead." Yu Xia hugged me from behind, tears dripping on my neck, wet and hot.
I half raised my head to look at him and said with a smile, "Did you also help him to deceive me?"
"Su Bei..." He murmured my name, "Su Bei, Su Bei, stop making trouble..."
Stop it?
I don't want to make trouble anymore...
But how can I accept it?
How to bear it?
"I know! I know! I know he's dead!" I squatted on the ground , clutching my chest tightly. The severe pain made it almost impossible for me to breathe. "But why? Why was it him? There are so many damned people in this world, why was it him?"
"Su Bei, don't be like this. Yinuo also wants you to be happy."
"Happy?" I suddenly stood up and rushed to Sheng Yinuo, grabbing his hospital gown and shaking it . "Hurry up and tell me that you want me to be happy. I will smile for you right away. Tell me! Sheng Yinuo! You bastard, didn't you say you would love me forever? You bastard! You lied to me! You lied to me!"
"Northern Jiangsu - Northern Jiangsu -"
"Su Bei, don't scare me, Su Bei...Su Bei..."
I could hear Yu Xia calling my name, and it seemed like my mother's voice was calling me. Why? Why didn't Sheng Yinuo call me? Sheng Yinuo, if you called me, I would wake up immediately...
In the blur, I seemed to see him smiling at me and saying to me: "Su Bei, you have to be happy even after I leave!"
Sheng Yinuo, you liar, how can I be happy if you leave?
When I woke up, my mother was sitting by my bed. Everything around me was familiar: a simply decorated room with curtains with blue cloud patterns. There was a photo of Sheng Yinuo, Yu Xia and me placed on the bedside. In the photo, one of us was carrying a bucket, one was holding a fishing rod, and one was covered in mud with his face almost invisible.
I opened my mouth with difficulty. My throat was so dry and painful that I felt a little relief only after swallowing hard.
"Mom, how long have I slept?"
"Not long." Mom poured me a glass of water and handed it to me, "Su Bei, Sheng Yinuo is gone. You have to accept this reality."
"Yes, I know."
I took the water and took a sip. From the initial inability to accept to the current calmness, I can no longer remember what has happened to my heart. I was sad, I was in pain, and I hated myself even more for not seeing him for the last time. Before he left, he must have wanted to see me again, give me another smile, and give me a few more words of advice.
But I missed it, and this missed opportunity is a lifelong regret. I will never hear him call me "my dearest Su Bei" again, and I will never hear him say he likes me again.
"Mom, I'm going to go see my uncle and aunt."
My mother didn’t stop me. When I left, she gave me a thermos bucket with soup that she had been cooking for hours. She told me, “Don’t cry when you see your uncles and aunts. They are sadder than you are right now.”
"Yes, I understand."
When I walked outside, the sun was shining brightly. The warm winter sun was not too hot to burn my eyes, but when I turned around, I was stung by two sweet people not far away.
I held the thermos in my arms, tightly, trying to let it share some of my pain. As the two men got closer, my heart ached more and more, and my eyes were dry and I couldn't shed tears.
Yu Xia...
I stood there motionless, watching them walk towards me, my eyes still hurting.
I used to think that Yu Xia was my salvation. No matter when, he would be my warmest and most gentle support. I even thought that such a boy was sent by God to save me. But now, the boy I regarded as my salvation appeared in front of me holding another girl's hand.
I don't blame him for being with Yan Anyan, really. This is his choice, and I have no right to comment. What I blame is that he chose to let me know all this .
This boy whom I loved deeply appeared in my world with another girl when I was most sad, and cut another deep wound in my heart that would never heal.
"Su Bei." He called my name. "Yeah."
"Are you going to Uncle Sheng's house?" "Yes."
"We want to go too, together?" "Okay."
I responded to him like a monosyllabic robot. Yan Anyan was limping beside him. From beginning to end, she didn't say a word to me.
Yu Xia, do you know?
Sheng Yinuo's death pushed me to the edge of the cliff. I used all my strength to climb up, braving the cold wind to prevent myself from falling. But you appeared, you reached out your hand, gently touched me with your fingers, and I fell into the abyss.
There is no return.
The world I worked so hard to reshape collapsed the moment I saw you holding hands.
On the way to Sheng's house, the three of us walked one after the other, I was in front and they were behind. I could hear their footsteps and the sound of clothes rubbing against each other.
"Su Bei, are you okay?" Yan Anyan asked me before knocking on the door.
I looked back at her, and her sad eyes made me even sadder. After she saved me, I couldn't blame her for anything. Everything she did was because she loved Yu Xia. Because I understood her feelings, I couldn't hate this person.
"I'm fine thank you."
My thanks surprised her a little. She was stunned for a moment and replied, "No...you're welcome."
In fact, I have always been jealous of Yan Anyan. I was jealous that she could express her love without restraint, and that she could assert her sovereignty in a domineering manner. Unlike me, I was always timidly afraid of losing and dared not speak out.
Even if I say it, what's the use? Didn't I say it? It will only make me sadder.
After knocking on the door, it was Uncle Sheng who opened it.
Without Sheng Yinuo, the Sheng family became much quieter. We used to love to go to their house to play. Mother Sheng cooked delicious food and we would eat a lot every time we came. Uncle Sheng would buy a lot of fun toys, and every time I was dragged away by Yu Xia.
After I got home, Sheng Yinuo would knock on my door with a bunch of toys, then stuff them into my arms and say , "These are for you to play with. I don't like playing."
Those were obviously his favorite toys, but because I liked them, he was willing to give them to me.
"Uncle, this is the soup my mother made. You must not have eaten much recently. Have some!" After entering the room, I put the thermos on the table and looked around, but I didn't see my aunt.
As if he knew what I was going to ask, Uncle Sheng said, "Since you came back, your aunt has been in Nuonuo's room. Xiaobei, go check it out!"
I walked to Sheng Yinuo's door, which was half open. Auntie was sitting on the bed, holding a photo album and crying silently. When she heard the door being pushed open, she quickly wiped away her tears and forced a smile. When she saw that it was me, she seemed to be relieved suddenly, and tears fell again.
I think she must be afraid that her uncle would be sad!
"Xiaobei is here, please sit down!"
This afternoon, I sat by Sheng Yinuo's bed and listened to my aunt telling stories about Sheng Yinuo's past, including his love for me.
My aunt said that she always knew that I liked Yu Xia and she had tried to persuade me, but Sheng Yinuo said that even if Su Bei liked Yu Xia, I would give her the best in the world.
My dry eyes welled up with tears because of these words.
After attending Sheng Yinuo's funeral, I no longer wanted to talk, or to be more precise, I just couldn't muster the energy to communicate with the people around me. Every morning, I would still go out at the agreed time. A few times, I would stuff bread into my mouth while walking and shout to the outside: "Sheng Yinuo, did you bring milk? I'm choking!"
When I patted my chest and walked out of the corridor, looking at the empty space in front of me, I realized that I had an illusion again.
The bicycle he gave as a gift was still brightly colored, it was his favorite green, and he said it was the color of youth.
There are still many CDs he bought on the bookshelf in my house, row after row of anime soundtracks. He said that youth should be so passionate.
Sheng Yinuo, our youth has just begun, why are you leaving?
Chen Hao’s whereabouts became unknown due to Sheng Yinuo’s death, and the police were helpless for a while. The case came to a standstill because of Chen Hao’s disappearance.
Haha, it's ridiculous that a murderer can get away with it...
I have stood at the gate of Chen Hao's school countless times, hoping to see him, but every time I was pulled away by Yu Xia who came rushing over.
He told me that Yan Anyan had helped to find out. On the day after Sheng Yinuo's death, Chen Hao had left the city. Lin Momo also disappeared with him. Lin Momo's parents even started asking for help on Weibo in order to find out her whereabouts.
Everything has its own trajectory, and I...
Like an outsider.
Yu Xia and I communicated less and less. At the beginning, he would try to say a few words to me, but gradually he had nothing to say. The original group of three people became completely alone.
After the "Double Egg Festival", I had my first college exam, and I did terribly. The teacher called me to his office and talked to me for more than an hour, but in the end, he gave up because he couldn't stand my silence.
When my mother cried in front of me, I was listening to Sheng Yinuo's favorite song in the room. The headphones were taken off by someone. My mother, who had never cried since my father passed away, stood in front of me with tears on her face and said, "Su Bei, even if I beg you, please let yourself go!"
"Mom, why are you crying?" I stood up in a panic and wanted to find a tissue to wipe her tears, but she held my shoulders and sat back in the chair.
"Su Bei, let's go!" said Mom.
"Let's go? Winter vacation is coming soon. Are we going to travel?" I looked at her in confusion. "Isn't traveling supposed to be a happy thing? Why are you crying? Are we going to go to a place you and your dad have been to before?"
Over the years, the only person who made Mom cry was Dad.
"No, let's leave here and live in another city!" Mom sat on the bed, holding my hand and said, "I have contacted an agency to look at our house these days. I calculated that if we sell the house and add my savings, we won't have any problems living in another city. I have also checked the school's affairs. As long as we communicate well with the school, it is not impossible to change schools to study."
"Mom..." I looked at her in disbelief. What kind of determination does it take to leave the place where she has lived for decades?
"You will definitely be sad when you leave at first, but this is all for your own good!" Mom hugged me, tears streaming down her face. "Xiaobei, listen to me and leave here, okay? Mom is afraid that if you stay here any longer, you will drive yourself crazy. I already lost your dad, I can't lose you again!"
"Mom..." "Xiaobei, Mom has never begged you before. This time, just listen to Mom, okay?" She hugged me tightly and begged.
I was so unfilial that I made my hard-working mother worry so much about me and even beg me like this.
"Okay." For the sake of my mother, the only person who is still by my side protecting me, I decided to let myself go and no longer turn a blind eye to the pain of those around me who care about me because of selfishly indulging in my own sadness.
"Xiaobei..." My word "OK", which was as concise as it could be, made my mother feel relieved. She finally breathed a sigh of relief and hugged me and burst into tears.
This was the first time in five years that my mother and I had hugged each other so intimately, and it was also the first time that she had shown her vulnerability in front of me.
Mom, I'm sorry for making you worry.
In March of the following year, my mother sold the old house and helped me complete all the procedures for transferring to another school. Apart from my mother and I, only a few teachers at school knew about my departure.
From beginning to end, I never told Yu Xia this news. I didn't know how to bring it up to him, and I didn't want to see him and Yan Anyan being in love with each other.
On the day I left, only Xu Shihan came to see me off.
"Su Bei, you bad girl, if I hadn't noticed the documents on your desk, I wouldn't have known you were leaving." She hit my shoulder, "Did you never plan to tell me?"
"I'm sorry, I just don't want to go through another separation." I said with my head down.
"You!" She understood what I meant and hugged me gently, "No matter what, you will always be my best friend, right?" "Yes."
When we first met, I always thought Xu Shihan was a cowardly girl who needed protection, but after going through all this, I discovered that she was much stronger than any of us. No matter what happened, she could face it in her own way, without tears, and not even noticing too much sadness.
Perhaps this is also called, being strong without desire.
I hope that in the days to come, I can live as strong as she does.