Chapter 43: Cold Hands
Liu Xiaojing is driving me crazy. I still think this is a huge scam. Why would they lie to me? Bai Jie, Master, Liu Xiaojing... What are they trying to achieve?
At this moment, I had mental problems, so I went to the Fifth Hospital, our psychiatric hospital and psychotherapy center. I felt that all the problems here were my fault.
After examination and description, the psychology professor finally told me that I had a mental problem because I was always fantasizing that others were deceiving me. Besides, people cannot come back to life after death, so this is a psychological problem.
I came out of the hospital thinking I was completely and definite that something was wrong.
I returned home, went into my room and lay down on the bed. I didn't know how to tell my father about this. At least I had to tell my father first. I wouldn't tell Bai Jie or Master. At this moment, I seemed to have completely lost trust in them.
I don't know why this happened. Why did this happen? Did it happen the day my father took me to the crematorium? Obviously not. It just got worse little by little.
I was very silent during dinner. My father asked me what happened. I hesitated, but still gently placed the diagnosis in front of my father. I thought my father should be able to bear it.
My father looked at me for a long, long time without saying anything.
He stood up, walked to the window, lit a cigarette, and said when he was almost done smoking it.
"Your mother committed suicide because of this disease."
I was devastated at the time. My father never mentioned it. All I knew was that my mother ran off with another man and I never saw her again. But now...
I thought it was over, it was hereditary. The doctor asked me about it and knew that the chance of this disease being inherited was very high.
I did have a mental illness. My father said so, and I was sure of it. After I came out of the hospital, I still insisted that I didn't have that kind of illness.
"It's okay, Dad is here. Dad will take you to see a doctor. He will definitely cure you. This disease is nothing serious."
My father said it easily, but his tone was not relaxed. I had undoubtedly added a heavy burden to him, and it instantly made him breathless.
I covered my face and cried, tears kept flowing, I couldn't control myself.
The next day, I asked for leave from the director because I didn't want to go to the crematorium anymore.
My father packed his bag and I knew he was going to take me to see a doctor.
At nine o'clock, my father and I went out, just like when I was seven years old and went on a long journey with my father. I followed behind my father, but my mood was different at this moment.
We went to the national psychiatric hospital in the provincial capital. My father was in a heavy mood, although he pretended to be relaxed and even put his arm around my shoulders.
He is familiar with this place. I can see that he may have come here countless times to bring his mother to see a doctor.
The results of the examination did make my father sad. When I went to the bathroom, I heard my father crying inside. The crying was very sad.
That day, I thought about committing suicide. Maybe dying early would bring complete relief to my father.
He prescribed a lot of medicine, but I didn't want to take it, and my father didn't force me.
We went home and it was dark. Bai Jie was waiting for me at the door.
"Xiao Zuo, what's wrong?"
"fine."
My father replied, I didn’t say anything. When Bai Jie entered the room, she also felt that the matter seemed serious.
"What happened?"
In the end, the father put the diagnosis in front of Bai Jie. Bai Jie was dumbfounded by all of this. She absolutely could not have imagined it. She seemed to know something, but perhaps she didn't know more.
"Could it be that the diagnosis was wrong?"
"That's a big hospital in the provincial capital, there's no doubt about it."
My father said.
"That's right."
I said something, and Bai Jie was stunned and didn't know what to say.
Bai Jie passed away that day. I knew this would be the outcome. A mentally ill person is scary.
The next day, I still didn't go to work. Maybe I would never go to a crematorium again. That place was the cause of my illness.
Liu Xiaojing came. My father brought her in at noon. I saw that Liu Xiaojing was surprisingly calm. Maybe she felt that nothing was wrong. She was a living person. It was just that I had a mental problem and felt that she was dead and alive again.
But I clearly heard what Master Yunzheng, Master Yi, and even Liu Xiaojing's father said to me in person. Is there really something wrong with me?
Liu Xiaojing asked me what was wrong, and my father went back to his room. I didn't want to tell Liu Xiaojing what was wrong with me. Liu Xiaojing was very anxious and finally got angry. I thought it didn't matter. It was like this anyway. I didn't plan to go to the crematorium again, and I would never see these people again.
Liu Xiaojing was happy after reading the diagnosis.
"Xiao Zuo, this is fake. You don't have any mental problems. I was dead, but I'm alive now. I can prove this to you. So you don't have any mental problems. Everything you know is true."
"Xiao Jing, thank you. Actually, I really like the dead flower. It's so beautiful and gorgeous, but it just makes me feel scared..."
"Okay, stop being sour and follow me. I promise you'll be fine."
Liu Xiaojing pulled me to leave, and my father came out.
"He's a sick man."
"Uncle, he's not sick. When he comes back, he'll be a good man."
My father shook his head and I was pulled away by Liu Xiaojing.
Liu Xiaojing took me to Zheng Qing's house.
"Actually, I'm not Zheng Qing's wife. They're all talking nonsense about a ghost wife. Master Zheng and I are just his apprentice and his apprentice brother."
Zheng Qing nodded.
"Indeed, it is. Or rather, Liu Xiaojing is one of my achievements."
I became even more confused, feeling that everything was an illusion and did not really exist. I listened without saying a word. At this moment, I still could not prove that I had no mental problems.
"Master, I think..."
Zheng Qing clapped his hands to stop Liu Xiaojing from speaking. He stood up and seemed very annoyed, lit a cigarette, and walked around the room.
"master……"
"Xiao Jing, I know you love Xiao Zuo, and you can have a relationship and live like a normal person, but I don't want to tell anyone about this."
"Master, Xiao Zuo won't be alright if he does this. He'll always think everything is fake."
Zheng Qing said after smoking two cigarettes in a row.
"Let me think about it, you guys go back first."
Liu Xiaojing and I came out, she said.
"When you see the truth, you will understand everything."
That day, Liu Xiaojing went home, and I wandered around the street by myself. I didn't go home until it was dark. Master Yun Zheng was drinking with his father at home. When they saw me come back, they all looked at me.
I sat down and drank with him, said Master Yunzheng.
"Your father told me everything about you. I've read your medical records and seen everything you've stated. Liu Xiaojing came back to life. I find everything else incomprehensible, but she died and came back to life. I was the one who cremated Liu Xiaojing's body when she died, and her father personally collected her bones."
I became even more nervous, not knowing what the master was going to say to me.
"But there's one thing you have to believe. It's true. Liu Xiaojing is alive now. I've thought about it. Maybe they're twins. But no matter what, it's Liu Xiaojing. It couldn't be anyone else. So how she survived, no one knows."
Master Yunzheng actually told me this. What does it mean? If you don't know how she lived, how can I prove that I'm not sick?
"At first, I also thought that I had encountered strange things and that everything that happened was not real, but this is indeed true. You are not sick."
I think my illness has become more serious, not that I am not sick. Maybe I will hang myself tomorrow. In that era, the most common way to die was hanging. It seemed that there was no other way to die, because ropes could be easily found, while other ways seemed to require some trouble, so hanging was more direct.
I was very drunk, otherwise I would have woken up at any moment, and my clothes would have been soaked. The fear made me feel like a three-year-old child who had seen a tiger. It was a fear that penetrated deep into my bones and could not be shaken off.
I woke up at eight in the morning with a terrible headache. I didn't know how to get through the day. After breakfast, I went out for a walk. My father was a little worried.
I walked on the streets, streets I was familiar with and streets I was not familiar with. I kept walking, otherwise I would feel extremely uneasy.
By noon, I was so tired that I sat by the river looking at the water, and Liu Xiaojing appeared.
"How did you know I was here?"
"I feel."
I was shocked. A normal person cannot sense where a person is, not to mention that I was away from home and at least five kilometers away from the streets I was familiar with. Yet she could find me.
"I have this ability because..."
Liu Xiaojing didn't say anything else. I think everything is still going on, and it's even worse.
"My master said I can go there tomorrow night."
I think it makes no sense to go or not to go, because it will be an even deeper deception.
Seeing that I didn't say anything, Liu Xiaojing stopped talking too.
That day, when we got home it was dark again. My father had prepared the food and wine. Bai Jie was sitting there, and she seemed to have been crying.
"Xiao Zuo."
"You're here."
I sat down and drank, saying very little. At that moment, my mind was full of suicide. I just didn't want to go to the crematorium. I felt that these people would not let me go. What was their purpose?
I drank too much that day and fell asleep. When I woke up, it was the middle of the night and Bai Jie was sitting next to me, watching over me.
"You don't have to stay with me. Actually, there's no point. My mother committed suicide because of this disease. The chance of this disease being inherited is very high."
I can only tell Bai Jie the truth, that we can't be together anymore. Then, I don't know what Bai Jie will think. I hope she can leave me and never come to me again, because I can't live a normal life. Who would want to be with someone with severe delusions?
The next day, Liu Xiaojing really came to see me. I hesitated for a moment, but since it was like this, it didn't matter if I went.
It was dark, and when we went out, Liu Xiaojing held my hand. Her hands were still cold, the kind of cold that comes from a dead person. I have touched the hands of dead people before, and that was exactly the same coldness as that of a dead person. There was no doubt about it. I felt that the person holding my hand was a ghost, a ghost holding my hand and taking me to a place she wanted to take me.
Zheng Qing was drinking at home. When we went over, he was still drinking by himself and didn't say anything for a long time.
"You can't tell anyone about this. I'll take you there at midnight."
I don't know where he will take us, but after thinking about it, no matter where we go, he will not give me a reasonable explanation, because no one will come up with a reasonable explanation, and I can't believe such an unreasonable explanation.
That day, I actually thought of Hao Fei.
I remembered that we were lying on the grass, looking at the blue sky, and seemed to have returned to the joy of our childhood. I thought I was probably going to die. Only those who are about to die will recall things that are more distant, more romantic, and more precious in their hearts. Only at this time will people be willing to touch those things.
