Chapter 4 Your Heart Is Out of Reach
To me, your heart is out of reach. I will be broken for you and will never turn back even if I hit the wall. This is the path I have chosen and I must bear it.
——Lin Jiaxuan
01
I asked for Grandma Zhuang at the nurses' station and found the ward number on the third floor. The door of the ward was ajar, and the curtains were drawn. In the dim light, I saw a thin figure huddled on the floor in the corner, with his head drooped, motionless.
"July?" I tried calling her.
The sound of "slap" made me freeze in place, and July suddenly raised her head and slapped herself. Then, she wailed in pain and banged her head against the wall like a madman.
"Grandma, grandma..." July whimpered like a wounded cub.
"Don't do this." I rushed over and grabbed her hands to prevent her from continuing to hurt herself.
The wind blew up a corner of the curtain, and I saw the bed next to me through the light. Under the white cloth was a lonely person. It was desolate and solemn, and the room was so silent.
"This is Zhuang..." I heard the voice in my throat that couldn't form a complete sentence.
"Tell me, how could my grandma, who is so big, be wrapped in a small white cloth?" July's broken voice was like a whisper. She looked at me and smiled softly, muttering sadly, "She was still alive this morning."
"July." I knelt down on the ground, hugged her at a loss, and comforted her incoherently, "July, it's okay, it's okay..."
"Before I left, I told her to wait for me to come back in the evening to celebrate her birthday. I bought a big cake, why didn't grandma wait for me?" July's eyes were dazed , and her face was extremely pale with grief. She held my hand and murmured, "Does grandma hate me? Is grandma leaving because she hates me?"
My tears suddenly came out.
"It's me! It's me! I killed grandma!" July screamed madly and pulled her hair desperately.
I used all my strength to hold her down, crying and pulling her back to her senses: "July, it wasn't you, it was someone else, the loan shark, they did it."
When July heard what I said, her distracted eyes gradually focused on my face and she looked at me blankly.
"It was the loan shark who killed grandma." I grabbed her arms and told her with certainty.
After hearing what I said, July stared at me in a daze.
After a long time, she thought of something, and her pale face showed a horrible expression that I had never seen before, strange and ferocious, as if she wanted to eat something alive.
"I won't let them go." Her eyes were red with anger, and she spoke word by word with gritted teeth.
July pushed me away and got up from the ground. She stood by the bed, looking expressionlessly at Grandma Zhuang who would never get up again.
The light shone through the gap in the raised curtains onto her face, making her look even paler than snow, and so sad and desperate.
She just looked at me like that for a long time, so long that I thought she had forgotten my presence in the ward. Then July slowly turned around and said to me, "Help me take care of grandma's funeral."
"Okay, I'll help you."
I watched her nod gently, walk out the door quietly, take out her cell phone to make a call, lean over in the corridor to light a cigarette, blue smoke surrounded her, and I couldn't tell what she was thinking on her face.
July was so quiet that I was afraid of her. I went out and stood not far from her in case she did anything.
Not long after, Zhuang Nan came crawling over, not even having time to put down his schoolbag. He rushed into the room, threw himself on Grandma Zhuang and burst into tears, his throbbing cries echoing throughout the hospital building.
Half an hour later, the cigarette butts under July's feet were scattered all over the floor. Some family members came to persuade her not to smoke in the hospital, but she refused to listen. I apologized to them and explained to them on her behalf.
When July was about to light her lighter, a hand rudely rushed over, snatched the cigarette from her mouth, and threw it to the ground.
It’s Zhuangnan.
"It's all your fault! You killed grandma! I heard that those bastards were Xiao Ran's enemies. Isn't it enough that you and that man have harmed us? Now you've killed grandma!" Veins bulged on Zhuang Nan's forehead, and he pointed at July and questioned loudly.
July acted as if she didn't hear anything and continued to take cigarettes out of her trouser pocket. Zhuang Nan pushed her away in annoyance.
"Doesn't that gambler love you? Doesn't he love you? Then let him take you away, go!" Zhuang Nan was extremely angry and looked like he wanted to eat someone.
July was pushed back step by step by him without fighting back.
"He left already."
I heard a cold voice behind me, and I turned around to see Lin Jiaxuan appear at the stairs. His face was covered with sweat and he smelled of dust.
When Zhuang Nan saw Lin Jiaxuan , he felt like he had seen a relative. He called out "Brother Jiaxuan" and all his grievances burst into tears in his eyes.
When Lin Jiaxuan saw that I was there, he stopped for a moment as he passed by me, then walked straight towards July.
July turned towards him, and Lin Jiaxuan's face flashed with surprise and joy. He was about to speak, but July passed by him, stood in front of me, and asked naturally: "Did you have something to say to me just now?"
I clearly saw Lin Jiaxuan's body stiffen, and a look of disappointment and hurt appeared on his entire face.
July doesn't want to stay here.
"Let's go." I nodded, walked away, and followed her wishes to take her away from this place of trouble.
Sitting on a park bench behind the hospital , July was like a wilted flower, staring blankly at one place with empty eyes, and I was staring blankly with her.
"Xiao Nan didn't know that A'ran was dead." Qiyue seemed to have finally found a chance to breathe and confided her secret to me, "The day I met you, I was being chased for debt and the baby in my belly was not yet full-term."
"A'ran was addicted to gambling. He said he wanted me to live a good life." July seemed to be reminiscing, but more like self-mocking, "He borrowed a lot of money, all at high interest rates, always thinking that he could get his money back one day, but the interest kept snowballing on him."
"We always quarreled, broke up and made up, and made up and quarreled again. The last time he came to see me, I found out I was pregnant." July's eyes made people feel inexplicably distressed. "I was tired of hiding from him, and I had given up on him, so I proposed to break up."
"I just wanted to live a good life, but those people came to my door." Qiyue said this with hatred between her teeth, "These stinky bugs forced A'ran to death, and they won't let me go."
I remembered the dirty alley and the "madman" when I first met July.
"When you saw me, I had been running for an hour straight. I fell down there because I really didn't have the strength to run anymore. The child probably didn't want to suffer with me, so he left." Qiyue looked at me dreamily, as if to dispel all my worries. "It's been difficult for me in the past few years, and Lin Jiaxuan has helped me a lot. Weiyang, you are the noble person who saved my life, but he is not. I can't have anything to do with him, I can only avoid him. Do you understand what I mean?"
She was worried about her attitude towards Lin Jiaxuan and was afraid that I would feel resentful. Even in this situation, she still put herself in my shoes like a sister.
"I understand." I reassured her.
"Okay, please help me with the hospital matters. I have more important things to do." Her words made me feel a little uneasy, but I still nodded obediently.
In the following days, Grandma Zhuang was cremated and buried in a cemetery facing the lake. July said that when flowers bloom here next spring, Grandma would like it.
I only met Zhuang Nan once, at the grave of Grandma Zhuang, and he still harbored deep hatred for Qiyue. I told my family that I would not go back for the time being, and stayed with Qiyue all the time.
I'm afraid something will happen in July.
