I admit that I love you, but you can't do it just because I love you.
Just wantonly consume my love for you,
I am also a human being, I feel pain too.

In the rare mild weather in the south, I didn't need to work in a coffee shop. I sat alone on a bench in the reading corner, holding a classic book that was a bit obscure to read, feeling sleepy. The sun shone on me through the huge Metasequoia tree, and a classmate from the Chinese Department recited in my ear: "The spring river tide reaches the sea level, and the bright moon rises with the tide. The ripples follow the waves for thousands of miles, and there is no spring river without a bright moon!"
For a moment, I seemed to have returned to many years ago, when my father was sitting beside me at the desk, patiently explaining the meaning of this poem to me.
In spring, the river and the sea merge into one, a bright moon rises from the sea, as if surging out with the tide, the moonlight shines on the river, the waves are shimmering...
Even though many years have passed, I still remember the meaning of this poem clearly. I also remember that he tapped my forehead and said, "The word yan has three water drops, not the yan in which bright and vivid is meant."
Those things are still so clear in my memory that I feel as if everything happened just yesterday.
Half an hour ago, I met that man. Even though I emphasized many times that he should be low-key and not attract the attention of his classmates, and I didn't want what happened in the coffee shop to happen again, he still showed up at the school gate in his luxury car.
If a gray Geely appears at the door, no one will look twice, but if a Cayenne is parked there, some people will more or less pay attention to who is driving the car and who he is waiting for at the school gate.
"Is there anything wrong?" I pulled him to a corner in an unpleasant tone, trying to avoid the gazes of his classmates.
"I just came to see you. Have you encountered any troubles at the beginning of the school year? Do you have enough money to spend? I heard that there are sometimes disputes in your female dormitories. Do you want me to help you resolve them and get a single room or something?" He tried to please me cautiously, his eyes wandering, not knowing where to look.
"I heard?"
"I asked my friends' children about it..." He scratched his head a little embarrassedly, "There are some things I can't ask too much about."
"I'm fine, you can go back!" I replied coldly.
In fact, I didn't have any classes in the afternoon. I just wasn't used to him being nice to me, and not used to him trying to please me. When I saw him, I couldn't help but think of my mother. This was an insurmountable gap between us. I often wondered if I wasn't so stubborn, would I be happier? The man in front of me made mistakes, but he was my father after all.
Later, after Shi Shuxia learned about my family, she said to me, "Zhiwei, you are actually afraid. You want to be loved but you are also afraid of being loved."
Maybe I am really afraid. Who doesn't like to be loved? I am just afraid of the despair that comes after not being loved.
"Weiwei..." He called my name hesitantly.
"Okay, go back. I'm doing fine and I really have to go to class." I was afraid of being hurt , so in order to protect myself, I covered myself with thorns. Even though he was covered in bruises, I didn't want him to enter my world again.
I was right to do this, I told myself.
If it's right, why are you still so sad?
I haven't had this feeling for a long time. It's like standing in a field, my heart is empty, and there seems to be a cold wind blowing around, just like when he left that year.
I tried many ways to fill this void, but it was not until my mother passed away and my heart was completely frozen that I gradually stopped having this feeling.
I closed my eyes, forcing myself not to think about that man in my mind, forcing myself not to continue to be indifferent to him.
"Hey, it's going to rain, time to go home and collect the clothes."
A drop of cold water fell on my nose. I frowned and opened my eyes dazedly, only to find that I had fallen asleep while sitting in the recliner.
The sun was still gentle, and there was not a . Instead, Yan Wenbo was standing behind the bench, looking at me with his head lowered across the back of the chair. Water was dripping from the iced drink in his hand, making me feel cold.
He smiled brightly at me in the sunshine, his smile was shining. I have to admit that he is a good-looking person, but when he is next to Ji Suting, he is not so radiant in my eyes.
"Why, are you impressed by my handsomeness?" He walked around the bench and sat next to me. I was about to retort, but he suddenly looked at me straight and said, "Don't move."
I was stunned. His face slowly approached. He reached out his hand and lightly swept my face with his index finger, taking away a drop of coolness.
He laughed and said, "The water droplets in that position look like they've been crying, so they're not cute anymore."
I turned my head away and didn't meet his eyes.
I never asked Yan Wenbo why he came to see me, whether it was accidental or deliberate, and I will never ask again. After the Ren Xiaoqi incident, the relationship between Yan Wenbo and me changed subtly. Before, he was a friend of Ji Suting and an appendage of Ji Suting. After that day, I really saw him as an independent individual. It was just a small change, and because of this change, I saw some details that I never noticed before.
For example, he seemed to enjoy being around me, and he used silly jokes to express his genuine concern.
All the kindness he showed me made my sensitive nerves tense.
I cannot accept any form of ambiguity, because all forms of ambiguity are the product of selfishness.
But I was also afraid, afraid that I was thinking too much and that I had misunderstood.
So I can only wander, wandering in tangled emotions.
"You really like to empty yourself." Yan Wenbo looked at me and smiled. When he smiled, his eyes were half-closed, and the corners of his mouth were slightly raised, as if he had received special training, revealing eight neat and white teeth. Unlike Ji Suting's gentleness, he was flamboyant and aggressive.
If the first person I met was not Ji Suting, would the boy in front of me be the one I fell in love with at first sight?
Shocked by this bold idea, I panicked and stammered, "I... I was just thinking..."
Even if there is someone already living in my heart, I can't remain calm when facing a boy like this.
"Zhiwei, you are here." Shi Shuxia's sudden appearance interrupted our conversation. She walked up to Yan Wenbo with a smile and greeted him in a gentle and sweet voice, "Hello, senior."
"You guys chat, I'm leaving first." Yan Wenbo stood up and trotted away without giving me a chance to ask further questions.
He and I just bumped into each other in the reading corner and he just teased me casually?
Shi Shuxia sat next to me and asked suspiciously, "Is the senior here to see you?"
I shook my head: "Maybe it was just a chance encounter!"
Her eyes held the same suspicion as mine, and a hint of uncertainty. She asked tentatively, "Does Yan Wenbo like you?"
"Huh?" I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. "Don't joke like that. It's too scary."
It is indeed a scary thing to like Ji Suting and be liked by his good brother. Just thinking about this possibility gives me goosebumps. I guess Shi Shuxia, a girl who loves reading and having a wild imagination, has already thought of a love triangle in her mind!
"By the way, do you have any special feelings recently?" Shi Shuxia asked suddenly.
"Hmm?" I thought about it and shook my head.
"It may be my illusion. Recently, I always feel that there is a pair of eyes staring at me in the dark. Sometimes I even feel that someone is following me, but when I turn around, I can't see anything." She frowned uneasily.
"Have you been reading any horror novels recently ?" I teased her.
"Could it be because of this relationship?" She was still a little uneasy. "I feel uneasy and have a bad feeling."
"You're overthinking it. By the way, what do you want to talk to me about?" She was still washing clothes when I left. She also said that she would read in the dormitory in the afternoon and didn't want to go out.
"Oh, I almost forgot. The school will hold a New Year's Eve party at the end of the month. The teacher requires each dormitory to perform a program, and then two programs will be selected in the end." She thought for a while and said.
"Are we three thinking of the program together?" I asked.
"No." Shi Shuxia shook her head, somewhat helplessly. "In the afternoon, the teacher talked about this in the class group. In the end, he said that he needed to find a coordinating assistant, who was actually just a person who did odd jobs. No one in the class wanted to do it. I don't know who said that you were very suitable for it, and everyone agreed, and this job fell on you."
"Assistant coordinator?" What this position does is not the point. The point is whether it will affect my work?
"Yes, the teacher couldn't find you on the phone, so he asked me to look for you. If I found you, I would go to a meeting and arrange this matter. I don't know the details, you will know only when you go there." Shi Shuxia said.
Then I remembered that after meeting that man, I was so upset that I turned off my phone. I didn't expect to get myself into so much trouble.
"Do I still have a chance to refuse?" I looked at Shi Shuxia without hope, and she looked at me with sympathy.
The two of us looked at each other and sighed.
Shi Shuxia handed me the message on the phone. The teacher said that there would be a preparatory meeting at five o'clock, and I would know what exactly needed to be done at that time. The location would be in the activity room of the Student Union.
Why would the class activities use the student union's activity room? I asked Shi Shuxia about this question, but she didn't understand it either. She just knew that it was definitely not a good job.
Even though I am unwilling in my heart, there are some things that I cannot refuse.
I stood up, brushed the dust off my butt, and reached out to pull Shi Shuxia up: "Let's go, go back and pack up, and then go to the preparatory meeting."
If time could be frozen at that afternoon, how nice it would be if I was just an ordinary girl who had a crush on a senior and lived an orderly life every day?
At least this way we don't have to uncover the realities that hurt us so much.
In this city, I seem to have never seen autumn, never seen yellow leaves all over the ground, nor felt the cool and refreshing air. It was just a moment of transition from summer to winter.
The only thing I can be thankful for is that it hasn't started raining this winter. In previous years, it would have rained for half a month straight at this time. The drizzle could last all day long, not heavy but annoying. I felt sticky all over, and taking two showers a day didn't help.
The winter sun was a little pale. I sat by the window in the Student Union, quietly waiting for Ji Suting to arrive.
The job that Shi Shuxia and I talked about as a headache and affecting our work instantly became the best job in the world the moment I saw Ji Suting.
That day, I went to the activity room as reminded by the teacher's text message. When I knocked on the door and heard "Come in", I thought the voice sounded familiar. I thought maybe I was too obsessed with Ji Suting recently, so everyone's voice sounded similar. When I pushed open the door, I found him standing behind the table, tilting his head and smiling at me, just like when we first met.
All complaints become sweet the moment you see that smile.
There were only two of us in the activity room. We sat facing each other at the table. He supported his head with his left hand and wrote something like a process with a pen in his right hand.
His handwriting is somewhat different from his personality, with sharp edges and corners. When my grandmother taught me to write, she always told me not to write crookedly, because people can tell a person by his handwriting. Ji Suting's handwriting has a different temperament from his personality, one is firm and the other is soft.
"Teacher Xu may not have explained it clearly to you when he was looking for someone. This preparation assistant is not needed for the class to select programs, but to follow me through the entire evening party process." He spoke as he wrote, and would stop when he encountered something that required thinking, and would turn the pen twice on his fingertips before continuing to write.
After he finished writing, he pushed the paper in front of me and said, "This is the schedule. Actually, there were students who wanted to do this job. I thought that since I am your class counselor, I asked Teacher Xu to guide you. Although it is not paid, it can at least help you gain some experience."
Ji Suting called me twice, and when I didn't answer, he gently pushed me, and I came back to my senses. Looking at the densely packed schedule on the paper, thinking about the fact that we would be alone together during this period of time, working hard for the same thing, I felt so happy that I was about to die.
I originally thought that we were two people who would never have any intersection, that I could only watch him from afar and that my secret love for him could only be hidden in my heart forever. But now it seems that God has opened this window very wide, and the sunlight is enough to illuminate the entire room.
"Zhiwei... Zhiwei..."
I was secretly happy, and all the little thoughts in my heart were revealed on my face. When Ji Suting called me back to my senses, he probably suspected that he had met a female hooligan. From the moment I finished reading the contents of the paper, I had been staring at him with a malicious smile.
I subconsciously touched the corner of my mouth, afraid that I would drool at . I breathed a sigh of relief when I found that I didn't. I smiled awkwardly at Ji Suting, pretending to be a naive junior school girl again, and explained stiffly: "I'm sorry, senior, I just thought of...thought of...thought of..."
I used it three times in a row but couldn't find a suitable excuse. I really hate myself for not studying hard in high school and not learning how to write an essay.
"Take a look at your schedule first. I know you have to work part-time. Try to negotiate with the coffee shop and see if you can make time. I think the lady boss there is very easy to talk to, so there shouldn't be any problem if you negotiate well." He must have seen this kind of scene of being obsessed with girls many times, so he didn't expose me and brought the topic back to the business.
"Have you been to the coffee shop where I work?" I was surprised.
"I saw it twice when I passed by, but I didn't go in," he said without any concealment.
"Maybe he went to see me on purpose" This possibility was strangled in my heart before it even emerged, leaving nothing behind.
"Actually, today I mainly want to show you the schedule so that you can be prepared. In addition to screening the programs during this period, you also have to go out with me to solicit sponsorship. The money used for an evening party may not seem like much, but it is not that easy to actually put it into practice. You should confirm your time first. If there is no problem, send me a message in the evening. If you can't arrange the time, I will ask Teacher Xu to re-arrange someone." As he said that, he took out his mobile phone and found a QR code for me to scan.
After adding him on WeChat, I kept resisting the urge to look through his Moments as he continued to talk about the difficulty of the event and the various details of the plan. He had initially asked me to go back and coordinate my time, but now it sounded as if he was certain that I would definitely participate.
If we hadn't added each other on WeChat, I would have wanted him to talk more and more, preferably until the moon was high in the sky, and then we would go out together, and then he would take me back to the girls' dormitory like he did during military training.
Two months had passed since that time, and all our progress had stopped that night. I was back to being able to only watch him from afar, occasionally creating a chance encounter and saying a few more words to him, but that was it.
This event was like a big pie falling from the sky and hitting me, and it was my favorite beef pie.
"How about this, I'll take you to the company we're going to talk to this weekend. It's a small startup that mainly makes apps for student groups. The company's name is Chimei. Go back and check it out so you don't get stuck when someone asks you something." He turned the paper in front of me back to himself, wrote the word "Chimei" on it, and turned it back to me. "I don't have anything to do today, so go back first!"
Did this person forget what he just told me to do, that I should go back and arrange a time with the boss lady?
He packed up his things and prepared to leave. After taking a few steps, I hesitantly called out to him, "Senior—"
"Huh?" He turned around.
Looking at that face, I suddenly couldn't ask anything else. I could only shake my head and say, "It's okay. Be careful on the road."
"Are you still afraid that someone in the school will rob you on the way?" He turned around and asked me with a smile.
"My senior is so handsome, I'm afraid someone will rape him." This is the truth, the absolute truth.
Ji Suting retracted the step he had just taken, moved his body as if he was going to turn around, hesitated for a moment, and stopped abruptly. The smile on his face also stiffened.
If you like someone, you will notice his every smile and every change of expression.
He tapped the neatly organized documents in his hand on the nearest table, lowered his head and said in a muffled voice, "You should go back early too," and left without looking back.
Seeing that he had walked away for some distance, I furtively took out my phone and opened his circle of friends, hoping to get some information from it. However, it only showed three days of friends, and I didn't see anything. I was so disappointed.
After going downstairs, I thought about it for a while and thought about all the questions that Sister Su might ask, then I mustered up the courage to call her. After she knew what I was going to do, she quickly agreed to my shift change and leave application. None of the words I had thought of to convince her were useful, and I actually felt a little disappointed.
He seemed to have been through some kind of psychological struggle just now. What exactly was he struggling with?
Back in the dormitory, I hugged Shi Shuxia and jumped up and down excitedly. She also laughed with me. It was not until Xu Meng'er said that we were too noisy that I stopped panting and pulled her to my desk and whispered to her: "I can spend the rest of my life alone with Ji Suting. I am really happy, so happy."
As early as the second time I met Ji Suting, the attentive Shi Shuxia had exposed my secret crush on him. She said that when Ji Suting appeared in the classroom that day, I suddenly sat up straight, my tired and unfocused eyes immediately fixed on him like a GPS, and there were two suspicious blushes on my face. When he was talking, I couldn't help but smile at him, and anyone could see that I was interested in him.
I touched my face and asked her in disbelief, "Is it that obvious?"
She nodded very firmly.
I asked her again: "Why did you see it and others didn't?"
She laughed: "Because at that time, most of the girls in the class were attracted by Ji Suting. They wanted to look at him more, so how could they pay attention to others?"
I asked another very stupid question which made her laugh. I asked, "Why didn't you look at him?"
"Of course I watched him, but he's not my type, so I wouldn't stare at him like you guys do," Shi Shuxia replied.
Later I asked her, since so many people are looking at Ji Suting, why do you think I like him? She asked me if I have seen my own eyes.
Shi Shuxia told me that I appear cheerful on the surface, but my eyes are cold. When I see people and things that have nothing to do with me, even if I smile, that smile is just on the surface and does not reach the bottom of my heart. Only when I look at Ji Suting, I am different, like a small universe suddenly burning, the whole person has heat, emitting a different brilliance.
Later, I looked at myself in the mirror for a long time, trying to find the coldness she described. Maybe it was because I had been looking at this face and these eyes for too long and saw nothing but my own shadow.
She was right about one thing, that is, when I saw Ji Suting, there was a fire in my heart, but we didn't know whether this fire would warm me up or burn myself out.