During this period, Ding Xuan called me countless times and asked me to go home, but I always hid in my turtle shell and didn't want to come out.
Finally, Ding Xuan sent me a text message: "Don't you want this family anymore?"
After seeing this text message, I asked my class teacher for a week’s leave to go home.
This school was full of memories of Su Jingnian, so I had to escape.
I haven't been back home since I went to college. If it weren't for Ding Xuan's text message, I might have rarely gone back home during my four years of college. Campus time is always better than the time at Ding's house.
When I was still a hundred meters away from Ding's house, my pace slowed down because I had walked this road with Zhuang Li before. After Su Jingnian's death, in addition to thinking of him, I kept thinking of the past with Zhuang Li. The more I suppressed it, the more ineffective it became. The initial sealing seemed to be a preparation for the big explosion today.
At that time, I walked through here holding Zhuang Li's cold hand, and I even remember that the roses on other people's balconies were in full bloom at that time, so that my memories are filled with the faint fragrance of roses.
I remember that time, after watching a movie with him, I wanted to discuss the plot with him, but he always said nothing. When we walked to the door of Ding's house, he suddenly reached out and touched my face. The intimate touch made my whole body hot. Although he just wiped the dirt off my face, it was the first time I felt that Zhuang Li was also gentle.
I am always reluctant to take out such memories and air them out, because every time I take them out, the gentle touch always fades a bit.
Those are some of the few beautiful memories in Zhuang Li's memory, worth cherishing for a lifetime.
Or maybe I should forget all the memories, happiness is far away...
I didn't expect that when I walked to the door of Ding's house, I found Mu Lianru hugging a man in broad daylight. The two seemed to be about to separate, but they were reluctant to leave. The man was tall and had gray hair. When he turned around, I found that he was actually a foreigner in his fifties.
Mu Lianru is indeed quite capable. Even foreigners fall at her feet and don't consider Ding Xuan's feelings at all.
When Mu Lianru saw me, her smiling face became stiff. She glanced at me, then kissed the foreigner on the face, waved to him, and walked through the door.
I passed by a foreigner and couldn't help but stare at his blue eyes for a few more seconds. This foreigner was very well-mannered and smiled all the time.
When I walked in, Mu Lianru was drinking water. Her nails were long and beautifully trimmed.
When she saw me coming back with my clothes, she said sarcastically, "Have you been asked to drop out of school? Why did you want to go back to the Ding family?"
I just replied expressionlessly: "My last name is Ding."
"There are many people with the last name Ding." She twisted her waist and continued to speak in a sarcastic tone.
I ignored her and carried my luggage back to the bedroom, only to find that the door was locked. I held my breath and ran to Mu Lianru with a clattering sound on the floor. I spread out my hands and asked, "Where is my bedroom key?"
"Who knows? If the door wasn't locked, I would have thrown your things away." Mu Lianru changed the subject and said viciously, "Ding Lanyin, you'd better not come back in this life!"
"I don't want to come back and see you being affectionate with a strange man."
These words seemed to touch Mu Lianru's sore spot. She jumped three feet high, as if she wanted to pounce on me and tear me to pieces.
"If I don't do this, can you go to college?"
I stared at her, not willing to be outdone, and warned her coldly, "You'd better restrain yourself. If Ding Xuan sees this, who knows what will happen to your precious son. You'd better not affect Ding Xuan's life!"
"He is my son. It is not your turn to teach me what to do!"
Mu Lianru and I were at loggerheads. I didn't want to argue with her, but her words aroused all my anger.
Mu Lianru wanted to say something, but the door opened and Ding Xuan walked in. He looked at me in surprise, and the light in his eyes seemed to be brighter. He ran to me, took my arm, and said with a smile: "A Yin, you finally came back."
He pulled me into the bedroom and looked for something.
"I locked your room. I have to find the key."
"Why did you lock my bedroom?" I asked puzzled.
He smiled and said, "Because I want to keep it as it was originally, so that when you come back, nothing will have changed."
In fact, I knew in my heart that he was afraid that Mu Lianru would throw away my things, so he silently protected me in his own way.
Looking at his figure, all my emotions calmed down little by little.
Ding Xuan had grown a lot taller, almost a head taller than me. His appearance was getting better and better, and there must be many girls in school who secretly liked him. So I smiled and asked, "Handsome boy, has a girl handed you a love letter?"
Ding Xuan's expression became a little awkward, and his ears slowly turned red. He took out a small box from under the bed, and when I opened it, it was full of love letters.
I opened the letters one by one with a smile. I found that a girl named Shen Meng wrote the most and the most stylish love letters.
"The weather in April is your smile. I want to live in the corners of your eyes so that I can feel like I'm bathed in the spring breeze."
"I whisper your name over and over again, not for anything else, just because I hope you can feel my presence while I'm saying your name."
Those shy and passionate words carried the breath of youth. I suddenly realized that I seemed to have aged a lot without realizing it, and the pink girlish admiration that I should have had at the age of sixteen was all buried by Zhuang Li.
I was originally watching with great interest, but after thinking about Zhuang Li, I became depressed.
Negative emotions eroded me bit by bit, and all the sad memories were uprooted.
I thought of Su Jingnian.
The person who once gave me warmth is no longer here.
I held the love letter in my hand without saying a word.
Ding Xuan seemed to notice that something was wrong with me, so he came up to me and asked with concern, "What's wrong with you?"
"Su Jingnian... is dead..." I said very slowly. That name had not come out of my mouth for a long time. It seemed so unfamiliar.
Ding Xuan's expression froze slightly. He sat next to me, lowered his head, and seemed a little overwhelmed. After a long while, he asked carefully, "How did he die?"
"An accident." That scene still lingers in my mind. Every late night, I can see that glaring red, even in my dreams.
"Ah Yin, just forget about them..."
I also want to forget, I really want to forget. I would rather never have Zhuang Li and Su Jingnian in my life, even if it would be just me forever. That way, I wouldn't get used to the warmth Su Jingnian gave me and then end up with nothing again.
Being pampered to the sky and then being thrown down is such a painful feeling.
I want to forget it too.
But I just can’t forget it…
Ding Xuan's words instantly broke my numb heart. I covered my face with my hands, crying bitterly, tears streaming down from between my fingers.
Ding Xuan anxiously comforted her: "Don't cry, Ah Yin, you still have me, I still have me... It hurts to see you crying..."
The more he said this, the harder I cried. I leaned on Ding Xuan's shoulder, and my tears soaked his clothes.
I don’t know since when, Ding Xuan’s shoulders have become so broad and make people feel at ease.
I nodded with a sob.
Yes, at least I still have my younger brother Ding Xuan.
When I stayed at Ding's house, Ding Xuan tried his best to make me laugh and often bought me all kinds of delicious food. On weekends, when Ding Xuan had a day off, he bought a lot of things when he went home, a total of four bags.
I finished cleaning the bedroom, and then I saw him take out a lot of miscellaneous things from the bag, including flour, mixers, butter, etc. He also bought a book with "Fifty Dessert Recipes" written on the cover. I took the book and asked in confusion, "You want to make desserts?"
Ding Xuan nodded.
"Can you make desserts?" I was very skeptical. Ding Xuan, who had never done any homemade food, actually made desserts. No one would believe it if I told others about it.
Ding Xuan explained: "I don't know how to do it, but someone else does. She will come to teach me later."
"who?"
"Shen Meng."
The girl who wrote countless love letters.
When I first met Shen Meng, I was really surprised. Shen Meng is not only beautiful, but also has a good family background. She is wearing all branded clothes, and her every move reveals the noble demeanor of a rich girl.
I whispered in Ding Xuan's ear: "Do you like her?"
Ding Xuan shook his head and said, "She is too clingy. I don't like her."
"That's because she likes you so much." I joked.
Shen Meng's writing style is very inconsistent with her personality. In the love letter, Shen Meng is a reserved and introverted person, but in reality, Shen Meng is a rich and arrogant lady.
The first thing she said when she entered the Ding family was: "Ah Xuan, is she your cleaning lady?"
She asked this question just to embarrass me. I don't look like a cleaning lady at first glance. She said that on purpose. I can't think of any other reason other than to belittle people. Usually in this situation, there are only two possibilities. First, she regards me as a rival in love; second, she is jealous of my appearance.
I could sense her deep hostility. I swear, I never had any grudge against her.
When Ding Xuan heard her ask this, he explained somewhat unhappily: "Her name is Ding Lanyin."
"Are you the Ding Lanyin that Ding Xuan often mentioned?" Shen Meng looked around me unfriendly.
"I am Ding Lanyin." I replied indifferently.
Shen Meng got a cold shoulder from me, so she leaned towards Ding Xuan and said coquettishly, "Didn't you ask me to teach you how to make desserts? Have you bought the ingredients?"
Ding Xuan nodded, took the ingredients and walked into the kitchen with Shen Meng.
I was watching TV in the living room, and from time to time I could hear Shen Meng's coquettish voice. I couldn't help laughing as I watched the two people getting closer and closer. Occasionally, Shen Meng would turn around and look through the crack in the door to see my reaction.
The two of them worked all morning and made a lot of cookies. Ding Xuan carefully placed the freshly baked cookies in front of me and said with a smile, "Try it."
Looking at the quality of the biscuits, I really didn't dare to eat them. But seeing Ding Xuan's expectant eyes, I couldn't bear to refuse his kindness, so I had to pick up a biscuit and eat it.
The cookies were a bit cloyingly sweet.
Ding Xuan also took a bite and seemed to think it was too sweet, so he smiled and explained, "I heard that eating sweets can make people feel better."
Hearing this, my eyes slowly became moist. It turned out that Ding Xuan did all this to make me feel better.
He was just showing his concern in this way.
I originally thought the cookie was too sweet, but after hearing what he said, I put the remaining half of the cookie in my mouth. The sweet taste melted on the tip of my tongue, and it seemed that my mood really improved a lot.
I said sincerely: "Ah Xuan, thank you."
"Then I'll make more for you. I guarantee it will taste better than this." Ding Xuan happily ran back to the kitchen.
Shen Meng, who was watching from the side, frowned and clenched her apron tightly with both hands, as if she wanted to crush it. Ding Xuan did not notice Shen Meng's abnormality at all and was immersed in his world.
I held the biscuits and looked at Shen Meng with a half-smile. She stared at me, stomped her feet, pulled off her apron, picked up her bag and ran out.
I swear to God, I really have no intention of protesting, I just really can't stand her.
Ding Xuan didn't notice that Shen Meng had left. By the time he brought out another plate of cookies, a long time had passed.
He is really nice to me. After the holidays, when I went to school, Ding Xuan would prepare delicious food and send it to me.
Many times, my roommates asked me with a smile if I had a new boyfriend.
I could only shake my head.
The roommate then asked about Ding Xuan and asked if he had a girlfriend. Many times when Ding Xuan came, the roommates would call him "little handsome boy" and tease him unscrupulously.
Ding Xuan came to visit me in the dormitory again and bought me a lot of fruits. My roommate who slept on the upper bunk asked with a smile: "Handsome boy, do you have a girlfriend?"
Ding Xuan blushed and shook his head.
"Or I'll introduce my sister to you." The dormitory was filled with laughter.
He was a little embarrassed and looked at me for help. I had no choice but to say to them, "Just let my brother go."
Someone started to make a noise: "You two are not related by blood anyway, so just stay together."
I retorted seriously, "He's just my brother."
"Ding Lanyin, I'm leaving first." Before I could react to what was happening, Ding Xuan hurriedly threw down these words and left.
As soon as he left, the dormitory fell silent. The person on the upper bunk suddenly said without thinking, "Your brother doesn't like you, does he?"
I remained silent.
How could I not see something that everyone else could see?
I understand Ding Xuan's thoughts, but I can't respond. He can only be my brother, and I'm afraid that if the relationship changes, I will lose my last relative .
You see, the girl named "Ding Lanyin" is so selfish. She enjoys the love of others anxiously, but is afraid to give.
I was so scared. If I had a falling out with Ding Xuan, Mu Lianru might even kick me out. I couldn't imagine such an embarrassing situation.
On weekends, the dormitory would become very empty, and that kind of emptiness would make people constantly think of the past, so I went back to Ding's house.
That foreign man was often at Ding's house. He was a British man named Joe, a famous painter who occasionally taught Ding Xuan how to paint. He would talk to me in not-so-fluent Chinese, and my English was about the same. We would often talk at cross purposes, but the chats were quite pleasant. He had the gentlemanliness and romance of a British man, no wonder Mu Lianru fell in love with him.
I particularly like his sky blue eyes. Those gentle eyes often remind me of Su Jingnian.
As long as José is around, Mu Lianru will definitely turn into the Virgin Mary, caring for me and taking good care of me. José praises her for being beautiful and kind, but he doesn't know that Mu Lianru has a dirty heart under her beautiful appearance. The cultural gap between the two countries and the language barrier between the two people did not prevent him and Mu Lianru from falling in love, nor did it prevent Mu Lianru from achieving her goal. The two of them decided to get engaged.
Neighbors all said that Mu Lianru was lucky to be able to marry a foreigner with such a big child.
Qiao Se was married twice, but he had no children. It was obvious that he liked Ding Xuan. Ding Xuan also liked him, but he could not regard him as a father.
When Mu Lianru took Qiao Se's hand and announced that they were about to get engaged, Ding Xuan stood beside me in silence for a long time, and finally walked out the door without saying a word.
Mu Lianru hurriedly took my hand and said, "Go and help me persuade Ding Xuan."
I asked her back, “Why should I help you?”
Seeing Qiao Se beside her, Mu Lianru suppressed her temper and said, “I haven’t kicked you out of the Ding family yet.”
I glanced at her lazily, went out and chased Ding Xuan.
All the care I showed to Qiao Se before was just for show. In fact, Mu Lianru hated me. Or maybe when she changed her attitude and treated me well, she had already thought about today.
Even if not for Mu Lianru, for Ding Xuan, I would go and persuade him.
When we found Ding Xuan, he was sitting on a long bench in the park, his slender figure stretched out by the setting sun. His profile looked so sad that people couldn't help but feel sympathy for him.
I walked over silently, sat beside him, and looked at him without saying a word.
Ding Xuan murmured, "You don't have to persuade me, I know everything."
After hearing what Ding Xuan said, I didn't persuade him anymore. Instead, I asked a question: "Xuan, what is your definition of love?"
After a long moment, he finally answered: "Love is giving her everything you have."
I looked at the beautiful clouds in the sky and said slowly: "The definition of love given in Roadless Journey is this: Love is a self-will that is extended to nurture the spiritual growth of oneself or others."
Ding Xuan turned around, with a look of confusion in his eyes.
I told him the story of Su Jingnian.
I was devastated by Su Jingnian's departure, and my heart died with him. In fact, that was not love, but a kind of parasitism. When I need to rely on another person to survive, I am a parasite. In this relationship, there is no choice and no freedom.
The reason why those who have lost love are so sad is because they are so naive and unfamiliar with love. True love should allow each other to be independent, get rid of naivety, and truly grow up.
"Ah Xuan, your mother's remarriage doesn't mean betrayal, nor does it mean that she no longer loves your father. She just understands that she can't be a parasite. She has the right to choose the life she wants."
Perhaps these words touched the deepest part of his heart. He was silent for a long time before he slowly said, "I hope my mother can be happy. I will try my best to get used to it."
Compared with the past, Ding Xuan has really matured a lot now. I am sincerely pleased.
When we got home, Ding Xuan and I bought some red wine and steak and asked Mu Lianru to prepare a Western meal. Ding Xuan accepted Joseph in this way.
At the dinner table, looking at those red wine glasses, I couldn’t help but have the illusion that “this is home”.
However, it is just an illusion.
At night, I thought over and over again about what I said to Ding Xuan during the day. Those words were not only to persuade him, but also to persuade me to try to move forward.
But words can only heal others, but never heal yourself.
Late at night, whenever I dream about the past, I always burst into tears.
I am a parasite, living on the warmth of others and unable to extricate myself.