After an unfortunate downpour, the summer officially came to an end.
Since that day when I visited Su Yuan in the hospital, he and I began to maintain a tacit understanding of keeping silent when we saw each other. So, I naturally became the redundant person in the family. In fact, I was always like that, but it was more obvious now. I didn't feel discouraged because of this, on the contrary, I enjoyed it even more.
While Su Yuan was reading quietly in the study, I was playing the noisy heavy metal music at the highest volume in the next room.
After he and Chen Pei went to bed, I would go into the kitchen, blend Chen Pei's favorite fruit into juice, and drink it all.
I did everything I could to do things that Su Yuan hated, to make him irritated and depressed. But his indifference made me feel bored. I knew what he was thinking. After all, I was very important to him now, and no matter how angry he was, he would not do anything to me.
Guan Yue thought I was courting death and told me not to continue to provoke Su Yuan. I knew she was right, but when I saw those two disgusting faces, I couldn't control the dark self hidden in my heart.
Just when I had thrown the whole house into chaos and was pouring out all the hatred surging in my heart, Lin Fang's appearance was like a bucket of cold water poured on me.
I really didn't expect her to come here to find me.
I stepped into her old home again, saw her old husband, and was given the cold shoulder by the woman who broke up her marriage. I really wanted to ask her, are you sad, are you hurt, have you really forgotten everything?
Before I could even ask the heavy words that were suppressed in my heart, the ingratiating smile on her face had already told me all the answers.
"Don't get me wrong, I'm here to see Jing'an today." As she said that, she raised her head and looked at me leaning against the stair railing.
Su Yuan pondered for a moment, said nothing, and just waved his hand. Chen Pei crossed her arms and simply glared at her, then went on with her business.
Lin Fang must not have thought that everything would go so smoothly. I glanced at her and motioned her with a cold face to follow me upstairs.
I haven't seen her or talked to her for a long time.
Living well in our respective lives, it seemed that both she and I had forgotten each other's existence.
Sometimes, I even feel that she and I are really dragging each other down. The fact that she gave birth to me was itself a misfortune.
"No one comes to see you for no reason. Tell me, are you short of money recently?" I didn't look at her, but opened the drawer where I kept my private money, took out a stack of RMB, turned around and handed it to her.
"It's not the money, it's... Ai Qing."
After not seeing each other for such a long time, she didn't say any pleasantries and went straight to the point.
There was a look of confusion between her brows, and for a moment I thought she was a kind-hearted but wronged good mother in a family ethics drama. I was stunned for a short time, but this expression was gone in a flash. The next second, I snorted coldly, laughed at myself, and threw the money on the table in anger. I didn't know what expression to use to face her.
Surprise? Jealousy? Confusion? Resentment?
After hesitating for a long time, I finally looked at her as if she was a lunatic.
"Ai Qing got into trouble outside. I heard that the person she offended is Guan Yue, whom you know. Now her brother is holding Ai Qing hostage, and Ai Qing doesn't even dare to leave the house."
Lin Fang's face was filled with sorrow, and it didn't look like she was acting at all. After listening to her, I vaguely remembered what Guan Xia had said before, and then I realized what was going on.
Thinking of this, I began to feel uneasy again. Guan Yue was a silly girl. She had been acting like usual for so many days. She only talked about her idol day and night and never mentioned this to me.
She didn't want me to know, and didn't want me to be involved with Ai Qing anymore. And I knew Ai Qing very well, her vindictive character was exactly the same as mine.
Guan Yue treated her like that last time, her self-esteem couldn't stand it and she would definitely take revenge. But my mind was so confused during this period that I had no time to think about what she would do.
But I didn't expect that she would actually attack Guan Yue.
I was a little nauseous because of this bloody fact. I wanted to rush out to find Ai Qing and teach her a lesson. I was always full of resentment towards her. Why could people like her always run rampant in my life? Why did the people I loved and the people who loved me have to be implicated by her?
After all these years, I've really had enough.
"Jing'an, Jing'an, don't be angry," Lin Fang knew my temper very well and could see my uneasiness. "Ai Qing is still young and really doesn't know much. Besides, I heard that Guan Yue wasn't hurt. She definitely won't dare to do it again next time. Can you help me beg Guan Xia to let her go?"
"Let her go? That's easy for you to say!" I couldn't help but raise my voice an octave higher. I strode up to her and stared at this weak, weak-hearted, opinionless woman. "Do you think I'm a living Buddha? Just one word from you will do the trick?"
"Don't you know how Guan Xia has hated me for so many years?"
"Jing'an, don't treat mom like this. Mom will be very sad." She spoke these soft and sweet words sincerely, but they brought tears to my eyes.
I tried hard to open my eyes, for fear that I would burst into tears.
"You also know that you are my mother and I am your daughter!" I said with a smile, enunciating each word, clenching my fists so hard that I could hear the sound of our skin rubbing against each other.
Lin Fang was stunned and at a loss, she had never expected me to react like this. She stretched out her hand and wanted to come over to wipe my tears, but I dodged her.
"You also know that I'm your daughter..." I repeated this sentence, and this time, I didn't laugh. My voice was trembling so much that even my heart was throbbing.
No one can understand the grievance in my heart, least of all her.
"I don't think this is a big deal. After all, it's just a conflict between you two kids." She also burst into tears. "Mom knows that I came to see you this time because of Ai Qing. You feel uncomfortable, but you have to know that mom is also in a difficult situation. After all, she is Ai He's daughter. Mom doesn't care about you. I thought you were doing well and didn't want to bother you all the time!"
She looked at me with genuine affection, as if to confirm everything with me. We looked into each other's eyes, and for the first time, she saw all the dark clouds in my eyes.
"Isn't it?" She shook her head in shock.
"I'm doing fine," I sneered. "Everyone thinks I'm fine, and I thought I was fine too."
"Su Yuan... is he not good to you? He--" Lin Fang was anxious to comfort me, but I didn't want to let my emotions get out of control. I found some tissues and took a few to wipe my tears and snot. After sorting out my emotions, I turned around and smiled at her. From childhood to adulthood, I would never tell her about all my bad emotions.
Because I know that she is an extremely fragile woman.
She was much more fragile than her own daughter.
So I would rather find ways to bear the hardships by myself than let her see them. Because of this, I have developed the ability to be as strong as steel.
"At the beginning, you agreed to let me come back with him because he gave you some money again."
After saying this, Lin Fang's expression froze. She didn't expect that I knew everything.
"You took that money and bought the house you live in now, and then continued to lie to me, saying that you rented it." I said all this calmly, as if none of this happened to me.
"Isn't this also for your own good? Living with him is better than living with me in poverty. I don't even have the money to send you to college." She told the truth. She was right, and I couldn't blame her. Poor people don't have that many choices, so even now, I don't have too many regrets, but that doesn't mean I will thank these two people. They brought me into this world, didn't raise me with love, but marked me with a price again and again to satisfy their desires.
"I don't mind you abandoning me, I don't mind you lying to me, what I mind is whether you have me in your eyes. You now have a new home, a new life , including a new daughter. You can come to see Su Yuan for them, and you are willing to be despised by Chen Pei. Do you know how pitiful you look now?"
"Do you know how pitiful I feel at this moment?" I almost roared out this sentence.
"I will only be remembered when you need me, that's the truth!"
"And have you really forgotten that you ran over to catch them but were blamed for it?" I coldly brought up the bloody past events buried in my memory, "And now you've come to me for someone who's not related to you by blood!"
"Jing'an, stop talking!" She began to get anxious, her eyes roaming around as if she was looking for something, muttering to herself, "Where's the medicine? Where's the medicine? Didn't Su Yuan buy you some medicine?"
"I just want to say that you look so pitiful right now! Aren't you just afraid of losing Ai He again? Are you so short of men? You can't live without a man?"
"You look so irritable right now! I can't continue talking to you!" After realizing that she couldn't find anything, she rearranged her hair, picked up the bag on the table, and her expression became more resolute.
When she raised her head again, there was a hint of strangeness and fear in her eyes when she looked at me.
"It's up to you whether you want to help Ai Qing or not. If you don't, I'll find a way myself! You'll drive others crazy sooner or later if you're like this!" She looked at me in a trance, then turned around and walked out the door decisively and resolutely.
I didn't recover from my yelling until I heard her leave the house.
My hands were twitching and shaking due to my rampant emotions. I stayed where I was and raised my eyes to see myself in the dressing mirror. I was wearing a white nightgown, with disheveled hair, a pale face, and a ferocious expression.
The tears flowed down as if they had met cold steam.
At this moment, I suddenly missed Dong Mingyang very much. If it were this moment, he would definitely not dislike the way I look now. He would definitely stroke my hair and say, "Be good, it's okay, it's okay."
He is the only one in the world who doesn't dislike me for being so irritable.
That’s right, I had bipolar disorder at some point in my life. That’s why Lin Fang looked at me with such fear and why she was looking for the medicine.
The changes in life caught me off guard. I had just walked out of my 15th birthday party, and in the blink of an eye, I was greeted by a broken life. All of this hit me hard and broke me mentally.
If it weren’t for Dong Mingyang, I might never get better in my life.
Under his protection, I shed the shadow of sadness and grew up slowly, but my mother, on the other hand, disliked me very much during that year.
That year, I had a very hard time. Many times, I don't even want to think about what I went through that year. Now, I am overwhelmed by life, but Lin Fang is still afraid that I will have a relapse.
I have never mentioned these things to anyone, including Guan Yue.
I don't want this to become a known secret. I just want to act as if nothing happened and live my normal life.
But the life now doesn’t seem to be a normal life. I admit that I am almost driven crazy in recent times.
But I can't tell this to anyone.
After all, Su Jingan has grown up, and she has to learn not to rely on anyone and grow into a towering tree.
I am still a soft-hearted person after all.
After spending half an hour calming down, I still called Qiao Nuo with a thick face. I didn't have the face to ask Guan Yue for help. I owed her enough, so I could only ask Qiao Nuo for help. What a coincidence, Guan Xia was right next to Qiao Nuo.
When Guan Xia heard that it was me calling, she immediately understood what was going on and kept on chattering, mocking our family for being a nuisance.
"Don't listen to him. I'll talk to him later. It's okay."
Jono comforted softly.
"um. Thank you."
"You sound unhappy, is there something wrong?" he asked.
"No, I'm fine, haha." I laughed into the phone like a fool, and then I really wanted to slap myself.
"It's okay." He was silent for a while before answering.
"Well, I won't bother you anymore!" I quickly ended the topic. At this moment, I really didn't have much energy to deal with him. Qiao Nuo was not a fool, so he naturally understood what I meant. After exchanging a few pleasantries, he and I hung up the phone.
Then I spent half an hour tidying myself up and then went out happily.
Guan Yue often said that I was more like a fire sign, that my emotions came and went quickly, and that I could pack up and start over in the blink of an eye. She was right, I was indeed like that, but she didn't know what kind of emotional torture I had gone through before I became like this.
Now, I have to learn to let myself go.
Listening to songs all the way, I finally arrived at Dong Mingyang's house. Passing by the convenience store outside, I bought a lot of candied fruits that grandma loved to eat, and then I had the nerve to come to their door.
It was grandma who opened the door. After she saw through her reading glasses that it was me, her weather-beaten face suddenly smiled like a flower. She kept saying, "It's Jing'an, come in, come in," while pulling me into the house.
She made the small room tidy and cozy. She pushed me to sit on the small sofa, and then ran to the kitchen stubbornly to wash fruits for me. She has been like this for so many years. Whenever I come, she will give me the best things. In a blink of an eye, time has come and gone. Dong Mingyang and I have grown up. Time has also been kind to grandma and has not been too cruel to her. She is still living with us in good health.
I leaned gently against the sofa, smelling the faint scent of jasmine in the room. The warm sunlight outside the window screen sprinkled on my calves and stayed on my socks.
I haven't enjoyed such peace for a long time.
I still remember a few years ago, when Lin Fang and I just moved here, we were poor and destitute, and grandma always gave us some food to eat. Later, when Dong Mingyang knew that I was their neighbor, he bought food and sent it to our house even more unscrupulously. At that time, I actually had the symptoms of bipolar disorder. In the new school, I had no friends and was as lonely as an autistic patient. Life was like a huge black vortex. I gave up struggling and let fate take its course.
If it weren't for Dong Mingyang, I might still be living a miserable life.
He was the first to discover my illness, and no matter how angry I was, he carried me to the hospital. He spent all his savings on my treatment, and then pinched my face and told me that I would get better, for sure.
At that time, I had no idea that his mother died of bipolar disorder when she was young.
This happened later, after I got better, when he and I were drinking and enjoying the breeze by the river. He told me this with a nonchalant smile. Then he said to me solemnly, Su Jingan, you must never become like that.
Don't leave me this way.
This sentence was like a solemn oath, which has been in my life ever since, and cannot be erased. I finally realized that I could no longer live willfully. From then on, I began to slowly control my emotions, take medicine properly, and go to the doctor on time. After almost a year, I finally defeated it, and from that moment on, I was no longer the Su Jingan I used to be.
I became introverted and low-key, cold as water to strangers and smooth and gentle to those close to me.
But people who have been sick are ultimately somewhat different from normal people. I cannot have too many emotional ups and downs, nor can I often be in a state of breakdown.
Lin Fang knew all this, but she still decided to send me back to Su Yuan secretly.
Life often binds us, and we are powerless and can only live in a miserable state. I can understand her, but I cannot forgive her.
After eating three bananas and a bunch of grapes and watching two episodes of "Crayon Shin-chan", Dong Mingyang finally came back.
He came back with such a loud noise and smelled so strongly of tobacco that I stood up involuntarily.
He changed his shoes, looked up and saw me. The complicated emotions on his face disappeared all of a sudden, and were replaced by a bright smile.
"Why are you here and when did you come?" He rubbed his hands subconsciously. I knew he didn't want me to smell how many cigarettes he had smoked.
"Where have you been? You didn't stay home with grandma on the weekends." I said expressionlessly. He smiled, trying to hide his guilt. Under my cold gaze, he finally gave up struggling.
"Well, I've been busy lately with some small jobs to make some money." He said truthfully, "But it's okay, don't worry, I'll be absolutely honest and behave myself."
I believed what he said. He had his own way of making money, and I never worried about it. But for some reason, I still felt that he was hiding something from me. I sat back on the sofa and pretended nothing had happened. He couldn't hide anything and was circling in front of me.
"Jing'an." He called me with a heavy heart.
"What?" I looked at him with a half-smile, waiting for him to confess.
"I was the one who did what happened to your father." He scratched his hair nervously.
I was stunned for a while before I understood what he meant. He moved a small stool and sat next to me: "I'm sorry Jing'an, I thought about it for a long time. I was too impulsive and didn't tell you in advance, but I really don't like him."
He lowered his head and looked like a child who had made a mistake, but what I was thinking was, did I misunderstand Su Yuan? This feeling was as disgusting as eating a fly.
"And, there's another thing." He took a deep breath, and I turned around and looked at him in shock. How many things had he done behind my back?
"That friend of yours seems to like me."
"…What did you say?" I looked at him in confusion and couldn't help but reach out and touch his forehead. "You don't have a fever, why are you talking nonsense?"
He sighed and took my hand away: "Last time your friend was in trouble, I saved her."
"I have a group of friends who know Ai Qing's group. They knew Ai Qing was going to cause trouble for her, so they told me. After I knew it, I went over to her. I didn't have any other thoughts. I just felt that she was your friend, so I had to help her anyway. This way, I felt I could be closer to you."
"After all, you keep talking about the long and short months every day." He rubbed his palms, embarrassed by his childish thoughts.
He didn't know that when I learned all this, it was as if a clock in my head buzzed. It was no exaggeration to say that the male god Guan Yue mentioned was Dong Mingyang?
That person is Dong Mingyang?
It took me a whole night to digest this fact.
Then, I couldn't wait to rush to Guan Yue's apartment. I hadn't come to help her clean for several days, and she, as a young lady, had made a mess of the house again.
When I arrived, she was trying on clothes one by one, as happy as a bird flying in the sky. I leaned against the door frame and watched her, silent.
"Hey, when did you get here?" She turned around and found it was me. She turned around and came over to hug me. I always had the key to her house, so I could come and go freely.
"I've been here for a while, what are you doing?"
I raised my chin and asked about the clothes.
"Dress up!" She waved a dress in front of me, "You have to learn from me. Look at what T-shirts and sweatshirts you wear all day long. Can you still think of yourself as a girl in your prime?"
I looked down at my black sweater and jeans and suddenly felt that what she said made sense. After I turned fifteen, I never wore those colorful clothes again. I always liked to dress myself in a low-key and deep way.
"How can Qiao Nuo like you if you are like this!" She yelled while throwing clothes on my head, and then raised her eyebrows at me as if she had thought of something, "I want to date my male idol, do you want to form a group and date your Qiao Nuo with me?"
I was so shocked by the words "your Qiao Nuo" that I felt a little embarrassed for a moment.
"Your male god agreed?"
I couldn't help but think of Dong Mingyang's worried look that day. He told me that Guan Yue had been pursuing him relentlessly every day since she had his contact information. Every time I think of this, I get a terrible headache.
To me, both of them are equally important.
If these two people like each other, I will be really happy, after all, I know both of them well. But the problem now is that Guan Yue has a one-sided love for Dong Mingyang, which is a very tricky thing. Guan Yue is impatient and likes to get stuck in a rut, while Dong Mingyang is a stubborn person. On the one hand, he has chosen me, and on the other hand, he always thinks it is not good to fall in love with my friend.
And the most important thing is that Dong Mingyang feels that Guan Yue is not from the same world as him. Is a proud person like Guan Yue really willing to continue chasing like this?
Unrequited love is really not fun at all, and I don’t want Guan Yue to hate me after knowing the truth.
"Guan Yue, think carefully about whether he is the right person. Don't chase him foolishly, or you will get yourself broken head." I advised her earnestly, hoping that she would be smarter.
"Of course we can only know whether we are suitable for each other after we get to know each other, so I am trying hard to ask him out now!" She had a good reason.
"But what if he doesn't like you? And he and you are too different. Do you think you two will have a future?" I grabbed the clothes from her hand and told her seriously.
"It's normal not to like him. Can't I just work hard to make him like me? And I don't think the gap is a problem between him and me. We are still young!" She smacked her lips. "You were always supportive when I was pursuing others before. Why are you so nervous this time?"
"That's because I'm afraid you'll get hurt!"
I pinched her face hard and said with regret.
After hearing what I said, she suddenly became serious from her laughter. After thinking for a while, she said, "Before you pursued Qiao Nuo, did you ever think about getting hurt?"
“I—” The words got stuck in my throat and I was at a loss for words.
"Besides, if I'm afraid of getting hurt from the beginning, then I don't deserve true love. After all, I don't even have the courage." She let out a long sigh, "How could I not know how painful it is to love someone unrequitedly, but I can't help it. I can't see anyone else except him."
"I don't like to escape, I like to face it."
"So, since I like it, I will fight for it with all my heart! Even if there is no result, at least I have tried my best."
I looked at her stupidly, not knowing how to respond. At this moment, her eyes were shining brightly, as if her soul was lit up. For a moment, I couldn't find any words to refute.
After a long time, I finally gave up struggling.
Well, if this is what she wants, I am willing to do my best to help her, and even if she falls, I will accompany her.