Chapter 35 I've been thinking about you

but I dare not think about you. It's only been a while, it shouldn't be too long, right?

So the vague concept became five years that passed by in a flash.

Time went so far away from them, and it seemed to have stopped at a certain moment forever.

Li Su's shoulders dropped a little, she looked at Cheng Yan beside her, smiled with relief, and took out her pockets and touched everywhere.

In this era, not many people take cash. It just happened that when eating New Year's Eve dinner at Xiaoba's house at noon, Li Le received a lot of New Year's money.

Fearing that Li Le would lose it, her mother took all the money and changed her to a few small denominations. Li Le smiled foolishly and turned around to give half of it to Li Su.

Li Le: "Sister, mom said that you work very hard outside. I give you money. If you feel bitter, just use it to buy candy!"

What Li Su took out of her pocket was what Li Le gave her, a ten-yuan note and a five-yuan note. The two old notes were wrinkled and filled with the breath of life.

Li Su took out a five-yuan note and gave it to Cheng Yan. His eyes were bright and he said in a relaxed tone, "You've worked hard studying, right? Go buy some food to make up for it. Dad wants to talk to his uncle about something."

Those distant right and wrongs and regrets were met with apologies and reconciliation five years later, and the past was resolved.

Cheng Yan's movements were hesitant. He took the money, held it in his hand, and with mixed emotions, he straightened out the wrinkles and folded it into a neat tofu block.

The corners of his mouth finally couldn't help but curl up. Cheng Yan raised his eyes and calmly faced Li Su's gaze again. He nodded slightly and turned to walk in the opposite direction.

Cheng Yan's steps became lighter. He tightly held the pocket with five yuan in it, and the other hand swung freely in the air.

"Cheng Yan." Li Su called Cheng Yan, who had not walked far away, with a nervous and quiet look. She held another bill in her hand and asked, "Among the students who set off fireworks... is Xie Fei here?"

Cheng Yan's heart skipped a beat. He raised the back of his hand and roughly rubbed the tip of his nose. He took the initiative to walk back a few steps towards Li Su, and then stood in front of her. He smiled a little unnaturally and nodded very sincerely.

"Then you help her give it to her." Li Su handed the ten yuan to Cheng Yan. She pursed her lips, but she was smiling, a little shy, and a little happy. "Happy New Year."

"Country bumpkin, you are panting, it's scary." Cheng Yan said in a teasing tone, covering his chest exaggeratedly, and exhaled a long breath. He glanced at Li Su, his eyes curved, and he laughed completely.

"Give it to you!" Cheng Yan snatched Li Su's money, and took out the one he had put in his pocket. He looked at the ten yuan in his left hand, and then looked at the five yuan in his right hand. He never got tired of looking at them.

Cheng Yan glanced at Li Su with a sly look and smiled cunningly, "I don't care, I'll just give her five dollars, hahaha."

"You are so bold!" Li Su smiled and scolded him, tugged at his sleeves, and raised his fist to hit Cheng Yan.

Unexpectedly, Cheng Yan was quick-witted and raised his eyebrows, and ran away in two steps.

"Li Su!" The wind brought the young man's extremely happy blessing: "Happy New Year!"

"Let's get together tomorrow!" Li Su raised her hand high and waved goodbye to Cheng Yan.

Until Cheng Yan merged into the darkness, Li Su stepped back slowly with a cheerful heart. She turned around and bumped into a chest that was cold in winter.

The fragrance of fir lingered around her nose. Li Su looked up and saw Xu Shen's indifferent and cold face.

"Have you reconciled with Cheng Yan?"

The lights in the residential building spread out, illuminating half of Xu Shen's face with soft light, while the other half of his face happened to fall in the shadow, and it was particularly gloomy.

A pair of dark eyes, with unclear emotions, fell on her, like a solemn black veil on the snow.

The memory of their last separation echoed chaotically. In scene after scene of the past, it was always Li Su who was on the run and Xu Shen who was waiting.

Li Su stared at Xu Shen deeply. She thought that she owed him too much and had hurt him for too long. She decided to face it honestly.

The rhythm of her pulse resounded throughout her body. She tried, very lightly, to kick the tip of Xu Shen's shoe.

Xu Shen did not step back, so Li Su slowly reached out and grabbed the corner of his clothes.

Xu Shen did not move, his two hands still fell firmly in his pockets, and no one could see his extremely restrained clenched fists.

"What are you going to do?" Xu Shen's eyebrows were tinged with a lazy and playful smile.

Li Su said nothing, like a stubborn snail, lowered his head, and crawled forward with trembling fingers until he completely hugged Xu Shen.

The wind cannot be blocked, and only when the chests are pressed together can they burn each other.

The winter beside the ears is like the spring in the memory.

Li Su rested her head on Xu Shen's heartbeat. She pulled the corners of her mouth and finally removed the psychological dam, letting the many tears of youth flow out.

She knew that this sudden courage was actually left to her by Xu Shen 5 years ago.

"I...I...I told you that day that I had walked out a long time ago, but I was actually lying to you." The crying voice came out intermittently from Xu Shen's chest, "Xu Shen, in fact, I am still trapped in those days and can't walk out."

How to explain it, after the wounds left by Xu Qie healed, Li Su would always stare at her healthy and flawless body in a daze.

She is already healed. But the most difficult things to heal in this world are those invisible wounds.

"In the first two years, I often dreamed of my sister. I dreamed that she was looking for me and calling me 'sister'. Her little cries were always in my ears. I tried to find her and hold her, but I... didn't dare to go forward." 

"It's not just me. Mom was also trapped in that day. She always said that she could hear the noise of little girls fighting in the new house. She couldn't sleep, and began to quarrel with Dad non-stop. She would get angry about big and small things. Later, Dad couldn't stand it anymore. He started to work overtime, come home late, and was always silent and dazed." 

"I was a little scared. Or rather, I never stopped being scared. Even after that incident, no one ever blamed me. Everyone was comforting me and telling me that it was not my fault, but you know what?" 

"I didn't do well in the college entrance examination. During the summer vacation of my senior year in high school, my aunt came to visit my house. She saw me sweeping the floor, cooking, taking out the trash, and drying clothes. Instead of praising me for being diligent and sensible, she flew into a rage and beat my mom. I remember every word she said when she beat my mom." 

"She said, 'Li Su was not born to be your servant', she said, 'You only have this one daughter, are you going to ruin her again?', she said... 'Li Su is a very good child'." 

"That day, my mother cried for a long, long time, as if she was going to shed all her tears. My mother asked me to repeat a grade, and my father asked me if I was ready. I wasn't ready, but... I could only do it again." 

"The year I repeated a grade, they learned to endure it in front of me. We tacitly pretended to be healthy until the old house was renovated. My father sold the new house at a discount and moved us back." " 

Everything seemed to be back to normal. I thought so too... Just one year after my sister died, on the eve of the college entrance examination that year, my mother began to laugh inexplicably, and I found out that my mother was pregnant again." 

"Li Le was born. But this time, I ran away. I went to study in another province. In college, I was in a completely unfamiliar environment. No one knew my past. I tried to start over." " 

But it seems that it still doesn't work. I am talking to myself in the dungeon-like memory. Many things are tucked in my heart, turning into dreams that wake me up in the middle of the night time and time again."
"Xu Shen, actually... I have missed you all these years. I miss you, but I dare not think of you. I always feel that if we two just stand together, many people will live in that past, and never recover."

Li Su's crying and telling are like fireflies on the water plants by the river, disappearing at dawn, and floating in the sky like stars with nowhere to go at night.

The wind is full of her broken stories, and the thoughts that she has never been able to send out are finally collected by the people who love her at this moment.

Someone listened, someone held her.

She cried for a long time, and in the end, she was left with only a choking and hiccup-like twitching.

"Xu Shen, I'm sorry, I wet your clothes." Li Su raised her face after realizing it, and stroked the clothes on Xu Shen's body that were soaked by her crying with some guilt.

Those tears stuck to Xu Shen's heart, like wet paper on his mouth and nose, suffocating him.

Xu Shen felt as if his hands were held and held by two small hands again. It was not very heavy, but it was difficult to break through.

But he still refused to stop. He slowly raised his hands with great effort. His two hands stretched out stiffly. Behind Li Su, he slowly hugged her tightly with pain and determination.

"It's okay." Xu Shen's voice sounded gently in her ears.

Dark clouds formed the shadows he saw when he turned back.

In fact, Xu Shen saw and heard everything along the way.

It's really annoying. Why do you have to emphasize to Li Su again and again that "it's not your fault"?

If you don't blame me, doesn't it mean that I'm wrong? If you don't blame me, doesn't it mean that I'm convicted?

The generosity and tolerance of adults are the biggest lies. All the expressions of heartache and understanding, and the self-righteous pulling of Li Su out of the sea of ​​suffering, seem to be unbearable psychological torture.

In the end, home became a sea of ​​suffering, and home was all evil.

Li Su ran away, and she should have run away long ago.

But... Xu Shen knew Li Su's character too well. If it were her, she would probably miss home after leaving. ——Because this was also the place that gave Li Su the most warmth and strength.

His heart was like a lemon that had been hit, sour and painful. For a moment, Xu Shen was at a loss, not knowing what to do.

"Xu Shen, Xu Shen——" Li Su called softly in his ear. She shook his clothes and said in a hoarse voice: "I want to try to get out. No, I must get out. Please help me."

Li Su's voice became firmer and firmer. She finally put down the stone that she had raised with her own hands and hung over her head. She decided to fight for her freedom.

Just like Xu Shen said. Escape and survive.

"Okay. We can do it." Xu Shen's voice was very light and piercing: "If there is a problem, solve it. If there is emotion, release the emotion. - At worst, I will beat your mother up, ten times, a hundred times, it's okay, just let me live." The words that sounded like a grudge sounded serious

. Li Su smiled when she heard it. She looked up at Xu Shen, tapped her feet, and knocked his chin with her head.

Li Su's eyes were as bright as stars, and her face was as soft and gentle as clouds.

She looked at Xu Shen and said with a smile: "Xu Shen, if we hug each other, it seems not so cold anymore."

Xu Shen's face relaxed and a faint smile emerged. He tightened his hands and hugged Li Su more tightly, wishing he could stuff her into his bones.

With a proud tone, he reported: "That's because I'm obedient enough. According to your blessings, I try to be a positive and warm person."

"Oh, oh." Li Su twisted a face and called out strangely, "You are so awesome. Your tail is up to the sky~"

Xu Shen touched his nose and changed the subject embarrassedly: "Which day are you leaving? I'll take you..."

"The fifth day! Alas, Xu Shen, I find it difficult to write scripts. Every time I hand in my homework to Zhang Youqing, her expression is very... as if she stepped on dog shit. It's hard to describe."

Xu Shen immediately retorted: "She is the shit."