The weather is getting colder and colder, and many people are wearing down jackets.
Shen Xingmo always came to me to borrow things and ask questions. These ambiguous actions made some harsh and unpleasant words flow into my ears. I didn't want my life to be disturbed, so I deliberately distanced myself from him. Shen Xingmo's attitude of advancing instead of retreating made me feel disgusted.
The reason why I decided to coldly draw a line between myself and Shen Xingmo came from a girl - Yu Xinna.
It was snowing that day. I was returning home after finishing my duty. Snowflakes were swirling and flying like butterflies, slowly falling to the ground and landing on me.
Snowflakes brushed my heated skin, turning into drops of water that flowed onto my eyebrows and lips. The white snowflakes fell silently, floating and fluttering, and soon a thin layer of snow covered the ground. I walked into an alley, and Yu Xinna came towards me in a fiery red tweed skirt, and behind her, followed a few little girls blowing bubble gum.
"Lin Jingyuan, what a coincidence, you are walking this way too." Yu Xinna, who was wearing bright lipstick, crossed her arms and looked at me with disdain.
I don't know what Yu Xinna was planning. I have no grudge against her. She blocked me in this alley, which clearly showed that she had no good intentions.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw two girls standing behind me. They were tall and dressed fashionably, and they didn't look like students.
"Hey, do you like Shen Xingmo?" Yu Xinna took a few steps forward and stopped in front of me. Her arrogant look suddenly reminded me of Lin Jingxiang. I wonder what Lin Jingxiang would do in this situation?
"We are friends." Shen Xingmo has helped me many times in study and life. No matter what his intentions were, to me, I regard him as a friend.
"Friend?" Yu Xinna sneered, with an expression that sounded like she had heard a joke, "Which boy would want to be friends with you after having a full meal? Lin Jingyuan, I heard that you have poor hearing, is your IQ not good either?"
A slight chill seeped into my heart. I didn't want to hear her say such things, nor did I want to anger her. I turned my head and looked at the wall angrily.
Yu Xinna snorted coldly, glanced at the side of my ear, suddenly walked forward, stretched out her hand to lift my hair, and the moment her left ear was exposed, she screamed, stepped back quickly, and pointed at me in disbelief: "You, you, you..."
"What are you doing!" I yelled at her. The little girl following behind Yu Xinna immediately rushed over, grabbed my hair, and forced me to raise my head to face Yu Xinna.
I struggled to shake them off, but two tall guys came up behind me and kicked me mercilessly. I fell to my knees with a thump, and my knees were numb.
"Nana, you don't want to see her ears, look." Someone held my arms, someone pressed down on my shoulders, and finally exposed my humiliating side to the air.
My left ear was buzzing as cold snowflakes fell on it. The biting snow water flowed down the contour of my ear. I subconsciously avoided Yu Xinna's inquiring gaze. At the same time, Yu Xinna laughed grimly.
"Lin Jingyuan, it turns out that you really are a 'disabled person'. How dare you seduce Shen Xingmo! You are not worthy of him." When I saw the vicious smile in her eyes, I finally realized that I couldn't change it, no matter what.
No matter whether I was ten or seventeen years old, the malice of this world has never changed. I have changed myself, but I cannot change them.
My heart suddenly calmed down and my internal organs seemed to lose consciousness. Countless mocking voices exploded in my mind. I looked at their grinning faces calmly. My heart was beating vigorously, telling me that I was still alive and would not die.
Even so, I didn't cry.
Yu Xinna kept mocking me, saying enough was enough, and then she left me behind, walking away with a bunch of little gangsters like a lofty winner. I knelt on the ground, my hands and feet numb from the cold.
I don't know how much time had passed. I picked up the scarf that fell on the ground, shook off the snow and dirt on it, and wrapped it around my neck. They had snatched it from the ground and thrown it on the ground so that Yu Xinna could see me better. I needed it to keep warm at this moment.
I kept rubbing my hands, waiting for them to regain consciousness, then lowered my head, used my hands as a comb, and tied my hair with a hair band. Don't others want to see my "disability"? If so, let them talk, let them laugh, I don't want to hide it anymore.
The hand gently stroked my ear, and the traumatized butterfly grew up, still as ugly, but no one could deprive it of its right to survive.
Dear left ear, I'm sorry. I said softly in my heart.
I stood up and walked forward alone. From a distance, I saw a man. He was wearing a thick gray coat and a white scarf. His eyes, as deep as a cold pond, looked uncertainly in the direction I was coming from.
The moment he saw my facial features clearly, his eyes lit up and he ran towards me. Then, when he saw my disheveled appearance and lifeless eyes, a heart-wrenching scream came from his throat.
"Who did it?" He asked fiercely who bullied me. I looked at him aggrievedly, tears falling like crazy.
"I, I'm not being mean to you, A Yuan..." Shen Xingmo's eyes suddenly softened, and she came over to hug me. I thought of the reason why Yu Xinna was looking for trouble with me, and I lost my rationality.
As soon as Shen Xingmo's hand touched my body, I pushed him to the ground. Shen Xingmo's face showed a painful look, he raised his hand, and I saw that his palm was bloody.
Why do you want to provoke me? Shen Xingmo, I just want to live a quiet life.
That's it, that's it.
There was a voice in my heart that kept persuading me that I would get hurt if I got close to him, and that nothing good would happen if I got close to him. A gentle knife is always more lethal than a sharp dagger because it often catches people off guard. Shen Xingmo is such a knife.
I shouldn't have touched it.
With a "snap", the transparent hairband behind my head suddenly broke, and my jet-black hair fell on my shoulders and covered my ears again. I looked at the boy in front of me, his heart was pure and transparent, like the snowflakes flying in the sky.
But it doesn't belong to me, I can't bear it.
"Stay away from me, please," I whimpered.
After hearing this, Shen Xingmo's body trembled noticeably. He looked at me seriously, as if he had thousands of questions, but in the end he asked nothing and nodded weakly.
"If this is what you want, I agree."
His promise was sincere. I looked into his eyes, hiding the sadness in them, smiled helplessly, and left without looking back.
Going the other way, that's fine.
That night, Qin Fangrui was humming a little tune, not caring at all about where my injuries came from.
Thankfully, she actually cooked a sumptuous dinner and took the initiative to tell me why she was in a good mood. As expected, it was because of Lin Jingxiang.
With her outstanding academic performance, Lin Jingxiang obtained special qualifications for admission to higher education. She chose to study at the local University A. In the next six months, no matter how Lin Jingxiang studied, she would be able to go to the school of her choice.
I was not sure I could get into a good school, and the pressure of life made Qin Fangrui even more mean. She blamed me for being a useless burden. In order to supplement the family income, Qin Fangrui found a job as a cleaner in a nearby supermarket. Understanding the hard work she put in, I was usually cautious, did more housework, and tried not to annoy her.
This winter has just begun, but I already feel it is too hard to bear.
I am doing my best to be affectionate
Until that day
Your clothes are worn out
The singing is gentle
Accompany me to drift around aimlessly
…

I was sitting in the "Thousand Islands Time" near the school, listening to music with headphones in and doing my homework. The electricity bill at home had skyrocketed last month, and Qin Fangrui had clearly warned me that she would kick me out if I turned on the air conditioner again.
My hands and feet were frozen, and I couldn't think straight. I could only use the air conditioning. I stopped writing, twirled the pen between my fingers, and stared blankly at the seats in front of me.
——Does it bother you?
The boy was flipping through a book seriously. The watch on his wrist reflected a dazzling light under the sunlight. The restless light spot flashed across my face as he moved.
Now, it has entered my heart.
Perhaps, my encounter with Shen Xingmo was like my encounter with a ray of light. The light will not stay for long. It passes through my life and eventually disappears.
When I was halfway through my homework, Chen Jinmo called me and said, "Come and keep me company."
Just one request and I surrender.
I put away my homework, put on my coat, grabbed my scarf, and took the bus to Ximen Street. Maybe in every girl's life, there will be a boy who makes you risk your life for him. You accompany him through life and witness his growth, but you don't belong to him, and he doesn't belong to you.
Many years later, you will still be Cinderella, and he will become someone else's prince.
When I arrived at the billiard room, Chen Jinmo was sitting on the sofa in the corner, slouching with a cigarette in his mouth. He was busy playing finger-guessing games and drinking with a group of people. A heavily made-up girl was hanging around his neck.
When Chen Jinmo won a game, the girl kissed him, and people around him made obscene noises from time to time.
The girl was wearing a tight white vest, revealing a curvy figure. She turned her head and looked at me provocatively at the door, with a disgusting smile on her lips .
I didn't expect to meet Yu Xinna here.
The humiliating scene reappeared in front of my eyes. She and I pretended not to know each other. She glanced at me a few times and continued to play and tease with Chen Jinmo. Chen Jinmo was drunk. He drank a lot of wine and coughed a lot, not taking his body seriously at all.
I hate seeing him like this.
Chen Jinmo lost three games in a row. Three bottles of beer had been opened on the table, waiting for Chen Jinmo to drink. I was speechless about their childish and harmful games, and even more angry at Chen Jinmo for being so self-degrading.
Chen Jinmo's eyes were blurred. He pushed Yu Xinna away. Yu Xinna said "hateful" coquettishly, and reached out her hand to Chen Jinmo's lips ambiguously, took away his half-smoked cigarette, and started smoking herself.
Seeing such a disgusting scene, I suddenly felt sad for Lin Jingxiang.
I walked straight over, snatched the bottle of wine that Chen Jinmo was holding to his mouth, and regardless of everyone's eyes, I poured it down my throat. The pungent smell of alcohol made me feel nauseous, but I suppressed the discomfort and quickly finished the bottle in their shocked gazes.
"Bang——" I put the bottle heavily on the table, picked up the second bottle and prepared to continue.
"Lin Jingyuan, are you crazy?" Chen Jinmo was stunned. It took him a long time to jump up and yell at me. He knocked the beer bottle out of my hand and glared at me with red eyes.
His eyes were bloodshot, and he looked like he hadn't slept well. His hair was a little messy, and he didn't look as narcissistic as usual. He looked very panicked, and I wondered if it was...
The world was spinning, my vision went dark, and I fell into a warm embrace.
Chen Jinmo, it's just because of Lin Jingxiang. Do you know that I feel worse than you when you humiliate yourself like this...
When I opened my eyes, Chen Jinmo was holding my phone and listening to music.
When he saw me wake up, he was humming softly. It was the song "The Whale on a Lonely Island" that I hadn't finished listening to before. It was a cover song, but the lyrics were deeply rooted in people's hearts.
I think I am also a blue whale that has turned into an isolated island. Fish, shrimps and birds pass by me, but I, living in loneliness, am wandering aimlessly, not knowing where to go.
I found myself lying on a bed in the clinic. It was dark outside, large snowflakes were falling, and a layer of white mist formed on the glass.
My lower abdomen was hurting because I had my period, but I was still fearless and drank a bottle of beer for Chen Jinmo.
"Awake?" Chen Jinmo turned around and saw that I wanted to sit up, so he pulled out the headphone wire and came to help me up. I picked up my schoolbag before him and walked into the bathroom.
After I finished the treatment and walked out, I took out my wallet and gave Chen Jinmo a grateful smile: "How much did you spend on the medicine? I'll give you the money."
The atmosphere became extremely awkward. Chen Jinmo leaned against the door, his eyes wandering over me.
"If you don't tell me, I'll ask the doctor." I tried to go outside, but Chen Jinmo stuffed his phone into my pocket, blocked , and squeezed out three words from between his teeth, "Lin Jingyuan."
"Next time you have fun like this, you don't have to call me to join you." I said this briefly. I was really disappointed to see Yu Xinna sticking with him.
"Jing Yuanyuan..." He called me with a lack of confidence, "Nana is Lei Ge's cousin, so I--"
"You don't have to explain, really." I had sweat on my forehead and there were needle marks on the back of my hand where I had been given an IV drip while I was unconscious.
Chen Jinmo stammered and sighed helplessly. The smell of alcohol on him made me dizzy. I didn't want to get entangled with him anymore. I greeted the doctor and reluctantly walked out the door. Chen Jinmo followed me out without saying a word.
"I'll take you home." He saw that I was not feeling well, so he grabbed my wrist forcefully and went to the roadside to hail a taxi. I tried hard to break free from his shackles, but I couldn't, so I could only get angry.
"Chen Jinmo, let me go."
"I won't let go."
I didn't say anything else. I knew how stubborn he was, so I let him pull me into the car. I closed my eyes in the car as if I was angry, not wanting to even look at him.
Among the three of us, Lin Jingxiang has the most stubborn temper. Now that Lin Jingxiang has left, it is Chen Jinmo's turn. I am a taciturn person and don't like to argue, so I just let them decide everything.
Chen Jinmo always hangs out with that Lei Ge, and I'm worried that he will become a bad person one day, but I can't do anything except worry. Chen Jinmo looked at me in annoyance, took out a cigarette and smoked it fiercely.
I smelled the smoke, my throat started to itch, and I couldn't stop coughing. Seeing that I was feeling uncomfortable, Chen Jinmo opened the car window, and the cold north wind blew into my chest. My lower abdomen, which had originally felt a little better, became more achy.
Chen Jinmo spat, put out the cigarette and put it back into the cigarette box.
"When did you learn to smoke?" I opened my eyes.
"Who are you to care about me?" he answered irritably.
"Yes, I am in charge of you, is that not okay?" I was so angry that my lungs were about to explode. I deserved it. I came to him specifically to get into trouble. I, Lin Jingyuan, am just a masochist.
Before Chen Jinmo could say anything, I yelled back even louder than he did. Chen Jinmo was so angry that his temples were throbbing. He endured it for a long time, then lowered his posture and said humbly: "If you want to learn, you can learn it."
"Smoke less." I said in a light voice, not having the energy to argue with him. I leaned my head back on the chair to rest and asked him softly, "Chen Jinmo, where do you want to go next year?"
"A University."
"Because of Lin Jingxiang?"
"maybe."
"Why are you so persistent?"
“I just want to be acknowledged.”
I already knew the answer, but why did I have to ask again and again? I turned on my phone and put an earphone in my ear, because I was afraid that his voice was too beautiful and his burning emotions were too hot, burning my humble heart.
I have a nature that is too cold and too pure. I have fallen in love with him in heaven, but he is too far away from me and I cannot get close to him.
After all the twists and turns, everyone should accept their fate.