I drove around the city all afternoon.
Pei Jixing's phone was still off, so I could only try to find out where she was. The only person who knew where she was and could tell me was Tang Tang. But Tang Tang didn't answer my calls. I had no choice but to go find her. In fact, Tang Tang was not easy to find. I searched for several hours before I finally met her in the library of her school. She was not surprised to see me.
"I finally found you." I held her tightly, "I know you don't want to see me, but I hope you can help me out for the sake of our friendship and tell me where she is."
Now I must be as anxious as an ant on a hot pan, without any grace or magnanimity, like a joke, but I don’t care. The only thing I want to do now is to see Pei Jixing.
Tang Tang looked at me very calmly from beginning to end. After a long while, she said helplessly: "You left her aside for so many years. Now you finally understand the torment she has been going through all those years."
"Yes, I deserve it." I wiped the sweat off my forehead. "So I know I was wrong. Tell me where she is now, okay?"
"You shouldn't disturb her, she's very happy now." Tang Tang frowned and blamed me, "It's fine if you can't give her happiness, but can you please stop pestering her? Her life has been torn apart because of you. Now that she has finally moved on, you go back to find her. You can't be so selfish."
"I can give her happiness, I can!" I explained to Tang Tang sincerely, "I didn't know how to cherish her before, but now I know. I can't leave her, I can't live without her, just tell me where she is, okay? At least give me a chance to correct my mistakes. If you let me let go like this, I don't think I can do it."
After looking at me questioningly for a long time, Tang Tang shook her head and said, "Okay, since we are friends, I will help you this time. But if she doesn't accept you, I hope you won't bother her in the future."
"Okay." I nodded.
This time, I will never let go of her hand.
In fact, for a long time, I seriously thought about the relationship between Pei Jixing and me. What is our relationship? What makes her so devoted to me? What makes me have such an infinite attachment to her? This attachment even exceeds that of my own mother.
But after thinking for a long time, I still couldn't find the answer. So I simply stopped thinking and continued to covet her company, her tenderness, and even her smell and the fragrance of her hair.
But nothing in this world is truly free, let alone love.
She must be tired after all.
If you always stand there waiting hopelessly, anyone will leave.
Most people have one characteristic, that is, being mean. When she is by your side every day and treats you well, you don't care, but when she decides to leave one day, you will really realize how important she is.
Some women are like fine wine, once you take a sip you can’t forget them.
Some women are like cigarettes, once you take a puff you can’t quit.
As for Pei Jixing, she is like boiled water, like air, like sunshine. Ordinary and within reach. When she exists, you will not pay any attention to her, but when she leaves mercilessly, only death awaits you.
It was late at night, and I drove back to the city alone. The cold wind whistled, and my damp cheeks hurt. In my life, there has never been a day longer than this day, nor a day more difficult to endure than this day.
Following Tang Tang's instructions, I drove for an hour and finally found the teaching institution.
I got out of the car and tidied my appearance to make myself look less embarrassed. At this time, it started snowing. It turned out that autumn had passed and winter had come. The two rows of street lights on the side of the road lit up at this time, stretching my shadow very long.
After taking a few deep breaths, I finally walked towards the teaching building.
At this time, I had no idea what kind of footprints and pain this step would leave in the life of the person I loved. If I knew the ending, I think, even if I was in pain to death, I would not bother her.
I finally met her in the first classroom on the third floor.
She was still so well behaved, sitting quietly in her seat and listening to the class. The person giving the lecture on the stage was Chen Jialing. Standing at the door of the classroom, I suddenly couldn't help laughing at myself. It turned out that Chen Jialing loved her so much that he could put aside his self-esteem and return to his country, and could come here to teach without any complaints.
Compared to him, I am like a shameless child.
He had monopolized her happiness for so many years but didn't allow her to be happy.
No, that's not the case.
I clenched my fists. I have come to my senses now. I will not let her feel sad again, not even a little bit. I will love her well and make up for what I owe her for so many years.
I swear!
Thinking of this, I couldn't control my steps and walked into the classroom.
Everyone was stunned when they saw me, including Chen Jialing who was giving a lecture.
I was too lazy to pay attention to him and directly pulled Pei Jixing who was still writing.
"Lu Mingyu, why are you here?" She looked at me in surprise.
"Come with me." I grabbed the scarf next to her table and put it around her neck.
Chen Jialing rushed over immediately and fiercely pulled me away from her: "This is a classroom, not a place for you to do whatever you want!"
"I don't want to do anything wrong in your class, I just want her!" I raised my voice and looked at him with hot eyes.
"She won't go with you!" Chen Jialing's eyes were red, and he grabbed Pei Jixing's wrist, "Sit down and go to class." After saying that, he wanted to come over and grab my collar, but I pushed him open.
"Even if you are her boyfriend, you have no right to restrict her personal freedom." I spoke each word clearly, looking at him like an enemy.
Classes, any classes, I can support her, I can give her everything she wants!
"Lu Mingyu, are you crazy? This is a public place!" Pei Jixing said to me in a low voice.
She took off her scarf angrily, looked at Chen Jialing, and whispered, "I'll go out with him first."
Chen Jialing didn't respond to her, but just stared at me and held her wrist tightly. I put my arm around Pei Jixing's shoulders in defiance.
Pei Jixing glanced at me, then broke free from me, stood on tiptoe, and whispered something in Chen Jialing's ear.
I couldn't hear what she said, as if she was deliberately trying not to let me hear. Chen Jialing's expression relaxed at this moment, and then she let go of her wrist.
He snorted coldly, then walked back to the podium with dignity.
Pei Jixing took me and strode out of the classroom.
We walked from upstairs to downstairs, from inside the campus to outside the campus, and she never said a word to me. She saw my car parked not far away at a glance, she pulled me in front of the car and released my wrist.
"If you have anything to say, just say it. After that, I'll go to my class and you can go back home." Her indifference didn't sound fake at all.
I suddenly felt a hole in my chest, and blood was flowing out mercilessly.
"Are you guys really together?" My voice choked up.
"Yes, he is my boyfriend now." She lowered her head and didn't look at me.
"Do you love him?" I asked.
But she never responded.
I finally lost my patience, held her thin shoulders, and shouted, "Tell me, do you love him?"
She finally raised her head and the tears in her eyes poured out like a torrent.
"Does it have anything to do with you?" Her lips trembled, as if she was trying hard to control her emotions.
"It's related, of course it's related. Pei Jixing, please don't be with him, okay? I beg you, I love you, I want to be with you." I couldn't control myself anymore, I held her tightly in my arms, as if I wanted to merge her into my flesh and blood. The more she struggled, the harder I pushed.
She gave up struggling and let me hold her. Her tears wet my clothes.
"You are really selfish, don't you know?" Pei Jixing said in a low voice, "Lu Mingyu, it's not that I don't love you, but I can't love you anymore."
When I heard these words, all the strength in my body seemed to be drained away. I let go of her hand and looked at her stupidly, tears streaming down my face.
"I have used up all my love for you. I no longer have the energy to love you. Do you understand what I mean, Lu Mingyu?" She stretched out her cold hands and gently wiped away the tears on my face. Her sad and gentle smile brought out all the sadness in my heart.
"But I regret it now. I was wrong, Pei Jixing. You can't just not give me any chances like this." I almost begged her, "I regret the marriage. I don't care about anything else. I only want you."
"I've been waiting for you and giving you chances, but you never thought about cherishing them." She shook her head helplessly, and two lines of tears fell.
"I have never regretted loving you, even if my heart aches to the point where I would rather die than live, even if my self-esteem is trampled upon by others, I have no regrets. But I have had enough of those days of torture, my life is already broken enough, I cannot ruin myself like that."
"No, I swear I will love you well and I will never let you get hurt again." I was so anxious that I didn't know how to explain, but she still shook her head.
"Do you love Chen Jialing? Is he really more important than me in your heart?" I roared in dissatisfaction. Pei Jixing would never lie to me. She couldn't possibly love Chen Jialing more than me!
Maybe my words finally touched her soft spot, she couldn't control herself anymore, she covered her face and started crying. After a few seconds, she wiped away her tears and looked at me with her red and swollen eyes.
"I am not you. I am not that willful and selfish."
“I must fulfill .”
"No matter what, I won't hurt him. He's waited for me long enough."
As she spoke, her tears began to fall. I had never seen her like this before, she was so sad that it seemed like she was saying goodbye to this world.
"Don't leave me, please don't leave me, okay? I want to be with you forever, marry you, have children with you, and grow old with you. No matter if you think I'm willful or selfish, I beg you to tolerate me one last time, okay?"
I hugged her again, rested my chin on her neck, and greedily smelled her scent.
I love her, and at this moment, I feel it so deeply.
It's not that I'm unconvinced.
Not possessive.
It's not even a habit.
It's real love.
I just want her to be hugged and kissed by another man in the future, and I will feel that life is worse than death. It turns out that the most poisonous poison in this world is not the strong alcohol or the addictive cigarettes, but the air and water that you can never live without.
Apart from her, I have no cure.
But I forgot that she is also someone else's medicine.
She gently pushed me away, raised her head, looked at me, and said seriously, word by word: "Lu Mingyu, do you understand that I can die for you, but I can't live for you."
The moment the words fell, I felt as if I was frozen. All my emotions came to an abrupt end at that moment, leaving only endless despair.
What kind of pain and suffering did she go through to make her say such words?
I stared at her in a daze. The snow suddenly grew heavier and fell all over her hair. At this moment, she seemed to be standing in another world, looking at me from afar. No matter what, I could no longer touch her.
I just looked at her in despair. I don't know how long it was before my clenched fists finally ran out of strength and I loosened them in despair.
She suddenly leaned closer, tears in her eyes, and smiled as she helped me button up my coat: "It's cold, go home early. Next time, don't hurt those who love you again."
After saying that, she just passed me by and walked forward without looking back.
I reached out to grab her wrist, but I didn't feel any warmth. She just left. I froze, like a stubborn and upright pine tree, not daring to look back.
Because I am afraid that if I look back, the despair will defeat me.
However, what I never expected was that at this moment when I was completely unable to think about anything, Yu Bing called me. I mechanically picked up the phone and heard her cold voice on the other end of the phone.
She said: "Lu Mingyu, have you ever heard a saying, if you mess around, you will pay for it sooner or later."
At this moment, I didn't have the energy to think about what was happening. I just listened to her voice numbly.
At this moment, a flash of light swept over. I squinted my eyes and vaguely saw a familiar red sports car driving towards me and then stopped steadily in front of me.
The car door opened and Yu Bing walked out.
She was still wearing the pair of Fendi high boots that I gave her on her birthday, and her heels made a clicking sound as she stepped on the asphalt road.
I used to be very obsessed with this sound for a period of time, because I thought only women wearing high heels were charming enough, but now, it just makes me nauseous.
The van behind her car slowly stopped, and then five or six burly-looking men jumped out from it.
I know, I'm in trouble.
Yu Bing hung up the phone, folded her arms, leaned in the car, and sneered at me like a femme fatale.
But I wasn't too surprised that she was disappointed. After all, a woman like her has many ways to take revenge.
There is nothing to be afraid of. After all , I have experienced the greatest pain .
I was just a little worried that she might have seen me hugging Pei Jixing just now. She could take revenge on me in any way she wanted, but if she dared to touch Pei Jixing, I would never forgive her.
"Wow, you even specially found someone to pick me up." It was strange that I could actually laugh.
"Of course, I have to be serious when dealing with you." She looked at me as if I were a stranger.
Indeed, we didn't have any deep soul communication. She needed a suitable person to complete the marriage, and I was briefly confused by her packaged appearance.
"Yu Bing, I am sorry for breaking up with you, so no matter how much you did today, I won't blame you." I said calmly. After all, I have no chance of winning when I am alone against five people, but I also want to minimize the danger. After all, this is the suburbs, and if I am beaten to death, no one may find it on the spot.
It’s better to die. Then Pei Jixing might be heartbroken because of me and reject Chen Jialing.
However, when I thought of how miserable she looked when she cried, I couldn't bear to let her go.
So, we still have to live well.
"Do you think that saying sorry will solve the problem?" Yu Bing laughed sarcastically, "Lu Mingyu, you are the first one who dares to reject me like this." She flicked her nails, "If I am not doing well, you can't expect to live in peace."
I know what she meant. The reason why I climbed up the company so quickly was not entirely due to my ability, but also her help. And it was only because of her words that I fell from this position. I know the pros and cons of this.
But, what am I, Lu Mingyu, afraid of?
What kind of storms and waves have I not experienced?
I opened my arms and shrugged. "It doesn't matter. No matter what, I just hope there is a clear end between us. After all, I am the one who let you down."
After hearing my calm words, Yu Bing seemed to be really hurt and shouted out of control: "Lu Mingyu, you are a scumbag! What did I, Yu Bing, do to offend you that you have to treat me like this!"
"You didn't do anything. I am the one who let you down." I apologized to her sincerely.
She walked towards me and wanted to slap me hard, but her hand stopped there and did not come down.
"Lu Mingyu, I really loved you." She whispered in my ear, "But now, I only hate you."
"Hate me, it will make you feel better." I looked at her beautiful face and tried my best to say things that would make her feel comfortable.
She opened her eyes wide and tears suddenly fell.
"What's so good about her? What magic does she have?" she asked through gritted teeth.
I just stared at her, but I couldn't say anything. Love is never about who is better than who and who gets more love.
"Yu Bing." I gently wiped away the tears on her face. "Let's go here, you can vent all your anger, and then we will break up and owe each other nothing."
“Aren’t you afraid of being beaten to death?” Her eyes became a little bit unbearable, and she lowered her voice again and whispered in my ear, “You should at least say something soft now. Those people were sent by my uncle. We can talk about our business after we get back.”
I was really shocked by her words and looked at her carefully. At this moment, I suddenly realized that she seemed to have really loved me, and I was indeed a scumbag.
In just twenty-four years, I deeply hurt two girls.
Thinking about it this way, I really deserve to be punished.
Maybe it was because I was too calm that she was completely unprepared. She bit her lip and shook her head. Finally, she said, "I gave you a chance," then turned her head, stood in front of the car with her back to me.
The five men walked towards me in a swagger, as if they had received instructions.
I am not a person who is not afraid of pain, but the external pain is nothing compared to the pain in my heart at this moment.
I thought to myself with self-mockery that maybe if I got crippled, Pei Jixing would come and take care of me.
But what I didn’t expect was that my words were like a curse, magically bringing back the person I was thinking about.
When I didn't know how many times I was hit, a crisp "Stop" came from behind us.
At this moment, I was hit so hard that I couldn't see clearly, but I still recognized her, the girl I loved, she came back. I lay on the ground, groaning, I wanted her to leave quickly. But she ran towards me with a stubborn look on her face, I don't know where she got the strength from, she pushed through the people who surrounded me and came to my side.
She hugged my upper body, told me not to be afraid, and then shouted at the men, "If you hit me again, I will call the police!"
I lay on the ground, looking at her tense little face, and tears suddenly fell without any defense.
This most important girl in my life still treats me the same way even though she doesn't want to be with me.
So, what does it matter whether you love or not?
Thinking of this, my frozen heart suddenly began to thaw again.
"Call the police? Haha, call the police, do you think we are afraid? Get out of the way!"
The burly man who was in the lead came over and tried to pull her away, but she held me tightly and refused to let go. I wanted to tell her to leave quickly, but there was blood in my throat and I couldn't speak clearly.
At this moment, Yu Bing shouted, "Get this woman out of here!"
I know she is helping me. If something happens to Pei Jixing, I really don’t know what I can do.
Hearing her order, the men increased their strength, pulled Pei Jixing up from the ground, and pushed him out without hesitation.
But Pei Jixing was so stubborn that she refused to leave after seeing me being beaten. She rushed up again but was pushed away by those guys again.
I struggled to get up from the ground, wanting to let her go. This was my fault, and I would pay for it myself. But before I could say anything, she rushed up again and was pushed away by someone. At that time, a sports car came over unexpectedly and quickly. In just a moment, Pei Jixing, who was pushed out, crashed into the car.
“Boom.”
Flesh collided with metal, making a dull sound. The thin body rolled on the ground for many times, and then lay in the middle of the cold road like a broken doll. All around her was a cruel and red blood.
At that moment, I felt that the world was quiet, and everything in front of me seemed unreal, like a scene in a movie. I staggered and knelt on the ground with a thud. There were constant roars in my head, and something collapsed in my heart with despair.
After an unknown amount of time, Yu Bing let out an ear-piercing scream.
The people in the car got off without knowing why. Then, someone shouted, "Someone's dead!" and some people started calling for an ambulance.
I knelt there stupidly, staring blankly at Pei Jixing who was lying in front of me.
I don’t know how long it was before I heard a roar erupting from my throat. It sounded like crying, but not crying. It sounded like wailing, but it was full of unwillingness.
At this moment, I don't know where I got the strength from, I crawled to her side, picked her up, her body was still warm, the snowflakes fell on her face and melted away. I didn't dare to help her up, for fear of aggravating her injuries, I could only lie in front of her trembling, shouting her name loudly.
Pei Jixing, wake up.
Little star, wake up, look at me, look at me, okay?
I beg you, wake up, look at me, look at me, I'm here.
But no matter how I called, she didn't open her eyes and look at me.
Her blood stained my hands and my nose was filled with the smell of blood. I rested my head on her forehead and my tears fell on her eyelashes. I held her hand tightly and begged her to wake up.
I cried out of control, my voice hoarse as if I was singing a desperate song.
It's all because of me, it's all because of me. If it weren't for my selfishness, she wouldn't have been in any trouble. Why do I always hurt her? How can I have the nerve to keep saying that I want to give her happiness!
I don’t know if it was because I made too much noise, but at this moment, she opened her eyes slightly.
I looked at her excitedly, but my tears could not stop flowing. But all this cruelly told me that it was in vain.
Her crescent eyes blinked gently, and then her blood-stained hands gently stroked my face.
"Lu Mingyu."
She called me softly, and I leaned close to her ear, trying to hear what she said. She opened and closed her mouth for a long time, and finally uttered two words.
"Don't cry."
When I heard these two words, my tears flowed even more violently. I held her hand tightly again and begged her again and again not to leave me.
But my pleading was useless, she just stared at the sky with a dull look. The snow was getting heavier and heavier, covering me and her body.
She stretched out her hand and pointed to a corner of the sky.
That's where the North Star is, I know.
That slender arm slowly fell down along with the snowflakes and returned to my arms again, and her eyes finally closed tightly and never opened again.
At that moment, the eternal light in my heart also went out. I knew that I had lost my star forever.
It turns out that sentence really comes true. I can die for you, but I can't live for you.
If I knew the ending would be like this, I wouldn't want you even if you loved me.
Fate is often like a melodious song, with ups and downs, and it is heart-wrenching, involving all the relevant and unrelated people, as if it is determined to make up all the notes.
I don’t care whether I am the most important note in it, I just hope I don’t have to be the last note.
But God is cruel after all. He left me alone to bear the misery of the entire fate.
I don't remember how I got into the hospital.
The moment I opened my eyes, I was already lying in a hospital ward. Faintly, I heard someone crying. The crying became louder and louder, leading me out.
The moment I opened the door of the ward, I saw Pei Jixing's mother sitting on the ground crying at the top of her lungs. Chen Jialing, who was beside her, rushed over almost at the same time and punched me hard in the face.
He is really strong.
But I didn't feel any pain at all, and let him press me against the wall and beat me hard.
I don't know how many times he was hit, but he stopped, leaned against the wall, and began to cry silently.
I leaned weakly against the wall, looked at him dejectedly, and shed tears silently.
Men don't shed tears easily, but they do when their love is deep.
This man loves her more than I thought.
At this moment, her body, covered with a white cloth, was pushed out by the doctors.
I closed my eyes in despair, and my tears pierced into my heart like knives.
Chen Meihua rushed over wailing, lifted the white cloth covering her body, and saw her broken body and pale, cold face. She hugged her tightly, crying over and over again:
"No, you won't die! Pei Jixing, you still owe me, you can't leave me like your heartless father did!"
"You can't die. You said you would save money for a skin graft for me, Pei Jixing!"
"Ahhh, Pei Jixing, why is your body so cold and thin? I have never hugged you properly... my daughter, my daughter..."
Those terrible cries of pain were like heavy punches, hitting my heart again and again.
Chen Jialing had no intention of caring about me. He ran to hug Chen Meihua and tried his best to comfort her, even though he was in great grief himself.
I sat weakly on the ground, leaning against the wall, looking at everything in front of me in excruciating pain.
All this clearly told me that she was gone, she was really gone, it was not a dream, but a cruel and real separation.
Without warning, I remembered the first time I saw her.
It was also a snowy day, she was huddled under the gazebo, fiddling with a lighter, her face looking like a lovable kitten. I couldn't help but be attracted to her.
Now I think that this was a trap set by fate, which trapped Pei Jixing and me and tortured us severely. She suffered the sorrow of being unable to get the love she wanted, and I endured the pain of losing my love, but we were not given even a minute to love each other.
A long time ago, she told me the meaning of her name.
At the end of the Ursa Minor, in the bitter cold of the far north, the brightest and most stable star is called the North Star. Its light is always bright, and its position remains the same, just like the unchanging heart that loves a person.
It was not until now that I finally understood the meaning of this star.
She is like this star, guarding my life until the end of my life. But I have never given her anything.
This is not right. This is not right at all.
I stood up, holding onto the wall. I didn't dare approach her body, and could only look at her from afar. I didn't want to see her off, so I let Chen Jialing accompany her to the end of her journey.
And I still have another way to go.
Even if that road is hopeless and dark, full of thorns and pain, I will definitely reach it.
Because that was my promise to her.
I love you, Pei Jixing.
Forever and ever, even if all the lights in the universe are extinguished, the entire universe will begin to rain .
I still love you now.