No one is unforgivable. He even had a car accident because of me, and making my forgiveness his last wish.
Should I forgive him?
Should I forgive the person who no longer has any expectations for me and who always makes me feel sad, desperate and lonely?
I turned around to look at him. He seemed to have aged ten years in an instant. He humbled himself pathetically just to hear me say, "It's okay. I forgive you."
It's just eight words, but they are like a thorn in my throat and I can't say them.
I finally ran away. I thought I needed some quiet time and I needed to think about it.
"Hey? Xiaodie!" In the hospital corridor, a voice full of surprise suddenly called me.
I was immersed in my own world, and when I heard someone calling me, I was startled and turned around quickly, and found that the person calling me was Su Nan.
She seemed to have just finished taking the medicine and was walking around the hospital corridor bored. When she saw me, she was very surprised: "Why are you here?"
She noticed that I was wearing a hospital gown under my cotton coat, and her smile froze: "Are you sick?"
"I didn't notice it. I have a fever." I said, "How about you? Are you okay, Sunan?"
She stuck out her tongue , looking playful: "It's okay, don't worry. How about you? Is the fever gone?"
"It's much better now." I smiled slightly, "Let's go and find a place to sit down!"
"Well, let's go to the lawn outside to bask in the sun. It's so comfortable." Su Nan said. She seemed to be very familiar with this place. She knew exactly where the doors and roads were. How many times of hospitalization does one have to do before one can treat the hospital as home like Su Nan does?
I remembered that Shu Nian said that Su Nan's condition was not optimistic, but looking at Su Nan like this, she didn't look seriously ill at all. She was still as lovely as the sun, bright and dazzling, and you could feel the warmth when you were close to her.
It feels so comfortable to feel the sunshine on my body, as if it can wash away all the sadness accumulated in my heart.
"It's so comfortable." Su Nan sighed, " Xiao Die , what is your dream?"
"Dream?" I was a little slow to react, and she suddenly changed the topic to dreams. "Dream... probably to become a better person. What about you, Sunan?"
"As for me..." She dragged out the last syllable and said slowly, "I want to live forever. Is that a dream?"
I was stunned for a moment, and she winked at me: "Don't laugh at me, my biggest dream is to live to be old and gray, and then be with someone who likes me and whom I like, and we can be happy and stay together forever."
"To be alive... is the biggest dream?" I murmured, "Sunan, you..."
"Well, maybe this is the last time we talk." She laughed, "But it's also a blessing to be able to leave happily, isn't it?"
I really wanted to say "no", but when I saw her energetic smile, I couldn't bear to say many things.
Suddenly I felt that I was living a very luxurious life. I was troubled by many people, I hated many people, and was hated and resented by many people. But all these troubles turned into vulnerable paper tigers in front of Su Nan.
Because at least I can survive.
Staying alive is the greatest luxury for Sunan!
"Yeah." I heard myself say, "I don't know what happened to you, but Sunan, don't leave any regrets."
"Yeah." She pursed her lips and nodded, smiling like a flower, "Xiaodie, you too, in addition to not making yourself regretful, don't make others regretful either."
Don't want to be someone else's regret?
I felt a sharp pain in my heart. Am I my father's biggest regret?
Four years ago, I was a relic my mother left in this world, and four years later, am I going to become my father's biggest regret?
"Su Nan!" A young nurse ran over and looked at Su Nan helplessly, "Why did you sneak out again? Go back and lie down. A great professor from Beijing is here to give you a comprehensive physical examination."
"I know, I know." Su Nan waved at me and followed the nurse.
I watched her leave, and my vision became a little blurry. It would be such a pity if a girl like this couldn't live to see old age.
I sat on the bench alone for a long time. The warm sun made me want to sleep.
I squinted my eyes, planning to take a nap in the sun.
"Bai Xiaodie." Suddenly, another girl's voice came into my ears.
Who would come to see me at this time? I looked towards the source of the voice and saw Luo Yuxin wearing a woolen hat, walking towards me in a hurry.
I waved to her as a greeting.
My conversation with Luo Yuxin only ended when she wanted to have a good talk with me, and she didn't come to see me after that.
I thought about going to her after the winter break to ask her about it, but unfortunately, as soon as the break started, I ended up in the hospital.
These are things you never see in normal times, but you will see them all when you are sick.
She came over and sat down next to me, and asked with concern, "Is the fever gone?"
"You heard about it." I sighed. It's not good to live close to others. If there is any movement, others will know about it.
"I didn't just hear about it." She looked into my eyes and said slowly, "I saw it..."
"See?" I was stunned for a moment, "What did you see?"
"I saw Shu Nian knocking hard at your door. It was Shen Xiaoxi's mother who opened the door. Then he hurriedly pushed her aside and ran into your house, and ran out carrying you on his back. Really, the noise was so loud, it was so noisy." Luo Yuxin said in a low voice.
"You hate me even more, don't you?" I laughed at myself.
Luo Yuxin didn't say anything, she just turned her head away and stopped looking at me. After a while she said, "Maybe I don't hate you, but I'm jealous of you!"
"Jealous?" I didn't quite understand. "But I'm so bad, shouldn't you hate me?"
"Maybe, but I've figured it out. I've thought a lot these days." She said softly, "I thought that as long as I didn't give up, one day Shu Nian would see my existence and he would become the kind of person I wanted him to be. But I was wrong. I was wrong in that I shouldn't have been so arrogant as to control other people's lives. What kind of person they become is not something I can control or decide.
"I once said that I hated you because Shu Nian kept looking at you, so I became a lonely person who didn't want to talk to anyone." She suddenly laughed, with a little self-mockery, "Later I found out that he wasn't like that to everyone. He was like that just because he wasn't interested.
"Because a person with an introverted personality will not specially walk by with his dog just to comfort a girl in the middle of the night, just to give her a pack of tissues. A person with an introverted personality will not always pay attention to the girl's joys and sorrows, because the girl's eyes can only see darkness, so he gives up the light to accompany her. The world he sees is actually the girl's world." She glanced at me and said, "So once the girl changes, he will definitely change too.
"That girl is you, Bai Xiaodie. I'm jealous of you. I'm jealous that you're the one who can make him change. I've wondered many times, why not me? Obviously, I've known him longer than you, but time doesn't equal feelings. I've figured it out, and I don't want to be obsessed with it anymore."
"Did you come here just to tell me this?" I was a little at a loss. I thought she would be full of fighting spirit, but she chose to give up.
"I didn't say these on impulse. I thought about it for a long time." She seemed to be relieved and became open-minded. "If you can't hold it, let it go. Besides, I have never held it in my hand before."
"That's all I wanted to say. Now that I'm done, I'm going back." She stood up, "Bai Xiaodie, work hard to become a better you! That way, Shu Nian, who has been watching you, will be able to become a better Shu Nian."
"Thank you." I said to her sincerely, "Thank you for telling me this. I always feel... encouraged by you."
"Encouragement? Don't be ridiculous. We are rivals. Goodbye."
She didn't say anything extra, just waved at me. She came on the sunshine and left towards the sunshine, always looking warm.
I remember the first time I met Luo Yuxin, she was so bright and outgoing, like a little animal protecting its food.
But now Luo Yuxin is extremely open-minded, with a bright smile, as if he had never plotted against me.
Shu Nian came in the evening, and when he came, he also brought my report card. The result was neither good nor bad. On the day of the exam, Shen Xiaoxi upset my mood. I thought I would fail, so I was satisfied with this result.
"Xia Nuo asked me why you didn't go get your report card." Shu Nian was peeling an apple and said casually, "I told him you were sick, and he said he would come to visit you tomorrow."
"oh."
I wasn't excited at all about Xia Nuo coming to see me. Was it because Bai Xiaodie was no longer the girl who could only stand in the shadows and admire Xia Nuo?
"I thought you should be happier." He pursed his lips and smiled.
Yeah, I also thought I should be happier.
I said, "Shu Nian, Luo Yuxin came to see me."
"Huh?" He was a little surprised. "Why is she here?"
"Nothing." I didn't want to tell Shu Nian what she said to me, but I had a small question, "You and Luo Yuxin grew up together, why don't you seem to want to be involved with her?"
"Because I find it troublesome." He gave me an answer that surprised me.
"Ah?" I thought he would give a more convincing answer, but he just said it was too much trouble. But thinking about it carefully, he was so unsociable and had a sharp tongue, maybe it was really because he was too much trouble.
"Other people...are insignificant." He said slowly, "It doesn't matter what. Instead of wasting time on insignificant people, it's better to sleep and rest."
"An insignificant person?" I felt a little weird. Am I unique in Shu Nian's eyes?
"However, if one day, Little Butterfly, you can see more people in your sight, maybe I will also turn my eyeballs slightly and look at the people you are looking at, Little Butterfly." He smiled, and his smile was very warm.
Is the place I see the same distance he can see?
He is not a sentimental guy, but what he says always moves me to tears.
“That day will come,” I said.
Luo Yuxin did not lie to me, or maybe Luo Yuxin is actually the person in the world who understands Shu Nian better, but it doesn’t matter, one day, I will be the person who understands him best.
Shu Nian stayed with me for a while and then went home.
The medicine I was going to take today was already taken. The nurse came in and took out the needle for me. She also took my temperature, which was 38 degrees Celsius. The doctor asked me to stay in the hospital until the fever completely subsided, in case the high fever came back.
After the doctor and the nurse left, I was lying in the ward bored . Suddenly, my stomach growled a few times and I realized that I should have dinner.
When others were hospitalized, their family members came to bring them food and take care of them, but I didn't.
I thought about ordering takeout, but I had no money and couldn't pay for it.
Just as I was struggling, someone knocked on the door. I looked up and was stunned.
A person who absolutely could not appear here was standing at the door holding a lunch box.
That’s right, this person is Aunt Chen.
I still remember when I first met her, she was extremely bright and beautiful, and she didn't look like she had a daughter as old as Shen Xiaoxi. But now, she is listless and seems very tired. The bright and beautiful look is gone, replaced by vicissitudes and misery.
When she saw me looking at her, she came over with a lunch box, set up the small table without saying a word, and then took out the food and put it on the table. After finishing all this, she sat down in the nursing chair, as if she was planning to say something to me.
"I know you don't want to eat what I prepared, but you'd better eat a little." Seeing that I didn't move my chopsticks, she couldn't help but say, "It's not poisonous, don't worry."
I looked at her and she was looking back at the setting sun outside the window. I didn't know what expression she had when she said these words to me.
I picked up the chopsticks and took a bite. Because of the fever, I couldn't tell how the dishes she cooked tasted.
She seemed relieved when she saw me start eating, and when I was almost done she said, "Your father wants to divorce me."
"Oh." My father had mentioned this to me before, and I knew it.
"Xiao Die, have you ever thought about who will take care of your father once I divorce him? His body needs someone to take care of him. You have to study, so you can't be with ." She paused and said, "Besides... you won't be with him every day, right!"
I didn't say anything because she was right. It was not easy to forgive someone. It was even more difficult, or even impossible, to repair the existing cracks and restore things to the way they were before.
"I know it's too late to tell you this now." Seeing that I had finished eating, she stood up and cleaned up the things on the small table while saying to me, "Over the years, I have never fulfilled my responsibilities as a stepmother. I admit that I really don't like you, and even hate you. Not only me, but also Xiaoxi. We have left you with a lot of bad memories! But there are reasons for all this."
"Why?" I was somewhat amused. "I was only sixteen years old at the time and had never seen you before. You hated me, a child, so much. Can you tell me why?"
“No, you have seen me,” she said. “Maybe you don’t remember it, but you did see me when you were very young.”
"When you were a child?" I was stunned for a moment. I thought she was talking nonsense, but there was no falsehood in her expression. "I don't remember seeing you when I was a child."
"When you were three or four years old, you probably didn't remember much at that time. I was shopping with Xiaoxi and happened to see your mother shopping with you." She said with a look of nostalgia in her eyes, "To be honest, you didn't look cute at all when you were a child."
"Do you know my mother?" I caught a very sensitive message from her words, "You and my mother... used to know each other?"
She nodded: "Yes, we have known each other for a long time, even longer than you came into this world."
"Huh?" This news was so unexpected that my brain short-circuited for a moment, "You and my mother..."
"We used to be very good friends." She gave me a positive answer without any hesitation.
"If you are a good friend, why do you hate me so much?" I can't understand the logic behind this. If you are a good friend, why would you treat your good friend's only daughter like this?
"Because the guy I hate is no longer alive, I can only transfer this hatred to you!" She suddenly became excited, with a scary look in her eyes, "We used to be best friends, but this best friend pushed me into the abyss of misfortune. It's all her fault!"
"Calm down," I said. "I don't think we can have a good conversation if you're like this."
She was stunned for a moment, then calmed down. After a while, she calmed down and spoke again: "You once told me that I was the third party in this family and that I occupied this family, but the fact is not like that at all. If it wasn't for your mother, I should have been the one who married your father."
"Impossible!" I denied it immediately. "My father loves my mother very much. I don't know why you hate my mother so much, but at least you can't confuse right and wrong."
"Listen to me first, and then think about whether I am lying." She said, "Your mother and I were very good friends. We learned dancing together and even set up a dance studio together. I met your father first, and then one day, your father came to see your mother and I perform, and that's how they met.
"I knew your father first, and I liked him, very much, very much. The story that followed was bloody, your mother and I fell in love with the same person, your father. Your mother and I were very distressed. Your mother felt that I knew your father first, and no matter how much she liked him, she couldn't do anything to someone her best friend liked.
"I like your mother very much, and I couldn't bear to see her in so much pain, so I made a decision, which was to give your father to your mother. But on that day, before I even opened my mouth, your mother and your father came together to tell me that they were about to get married. Do you know that feeling? Being betrayed by the person you like and your good friend at the same time, all the love turned into hatred. I hated your father and your mother. But I didn't want to be a loser, so before they got married, I married the person who had been pursuing me.
"Later, Xiaoxi's father died of illness when Xiaoxi was three years old, and I hated your mother even more. If she hadn't betrayed me, I wouldn't have married someone casually, and I wouldn't have become so miserable. Do you know how miserable Xiaoxi and I were? When we were too poor to eat or buy clothes, I would curse your mother in my heart. That day, Xiaoxi and I went to buy noodles, and I saw her taking you shopping. She bought you a beautiful dress, and Xiaoxi was very envious. So I thought, all of this originally belonged to Xiaoxi and me. It was your mother who took away all of this, she took away my happiness.
"Several years later, I heard the news that your mother had passed away. To be honest, I was very happy when I first heard the news, but then I felt empty. For so many years, I blamed my misfortune on her, so that I would have someone to hate and I would be a little less painful. But one day, this person who made me hate disappeared, but I was not as happy as I expected. I was even very sad, and tears flowed uncontrollably. I remembered a lot of things. Before I met your father, we were such good friends! We danced together and enjoyed the simplest happiness. At that time, I even thought that as long as she was happy, I was willing to give up everything to fulfill her."
"But this guy who made me love and hate him just died." She said softly, "I lost my direction until I met your father again. I proposed to get married, and he agreed. The day I saw you in your house, I was very happy because I found someone I could continue to hate."
"Your mother is so beautiful and bright, but you are so dirty and ugly. You are not worthy of being her daughter." She said coldly, "Her daughter should not be like you."
"But I'm sorry, that's just how I am." I couldn't help but say, "I don't know if what you told me is true, but it's not enough for me to forgive you."
“Forgive?” She laughed. “You are as naive as your mother in this respect. I have never thought of asking you to forgive me because I haven’t forgiven you yet. Perhaps I will not stop hating you until you become a better person than your mother.”
"That's perfect. We have reached a consensus on this point." I smiled sarcastically. "You keep saying that you wanted to help my mother, but after what you did, I don't believe that you have any sisterly feelings for her."
She gathered her things, pulled an envelope from her pocket, and placed it on the small table.
"I have said everything I should say. I just hope you will think about it carefully. You should hate me, but you cannot hate your father. I am the one who can stay with your father and accompany him through the last part of his life. Do you want him to die alone?"
I didn't say anything, she was right about that. Outside the operating room that day, I found that she truly loved her father, and only love could accompany him, which was something I couldn't do but she could.
I stared at the envelope on the table and finally picked it up. There was a piece of paper and a key in the envelope.
There was an address written on the paper, an address that seemed very unfamiliar to me.