If I could, I would like to have a magic eraser.
It can erase all memory of him.
Whether happy or sad.

The next time I saw the man was one morning after the college entrance examination.
The coffee shop needs to do a thorough cleaning before opening its doors for business, even if it was cleaned very well last night.
I walked between the tables in the coffee shop with a rag, sprayed detergent on them, and carefully wiped every corner of each table. The store manager was a woman with obsessive-compulsive disorder. After each cleaning, she would carefully check from every angle to make sure there was no dirt on the table. Only then would she smile and tell me that I could hang up the "open" sign.
When she smiled, I always thought I saw an angel with devil horns. Sometimes I wanted to criticize her for being picky, but when I thought of the saying "If you talk back to your boss, you will be fined 50 yuan", I lost my confidence and could only wipe the table over and over again until she was satisfied.
I straightened up, my mind suddenly went blank, I staggered and hit my thigh on the corner of the table. The severe pain brought me back to consciousness, and I remembered that I hadn't had a good night's sleep for more than two months because of this job.
Even so, the money earned is still far from enough to cover the high tuition fees.
"What are you daydreaming about? Hurry up and tidy up your clothes and get ready to greet customers."
"Oh, OK." I straightened my clothes and stood at the door. The bell at the door rang crisply, and I bowed and saluted, "Welcome, please..."
When that familiar figure stood in front of me, all the words I was about to say were forced back into my stomach.
I once thought that I could face this man calmly, just as if I was facing a stranger or a party A with whom I could negotiate a deal. But when he actually stood in front of me, the wall in my heart began to crack little by little, and I could even seem to hear the sound of it shattering.
It was clearly me who made the appointment with him, but when I saw him, I turned pale as if I had been greatly frightened.
In this almost still time, I was like a stupid puppet, standing there blankly, my heart was raging, and no matter how hard my reason whipped me, I couldn't move an step.
"Cun Zhiwei, what are you doing? Hello, please sit down and I'll take your order right away." The manager came over hurriedly, glared at me, and said to the man with a smile.
"Manager, this is someone I know. Can I take half an hour off?" I took off my apron and before the manager nodded, I pulled the man to a corner and sat down.
The moment I touched his suit, my heart suddenly felt a little sad.
This was the arm that I held tightly many years ago. It once gave me the warmest and safest power in the world.
But now, all the warmth is filled with alienation and estrangement.
It turns out that the so-called blood is thicker than water, but even the change in one's mood can lead to great changes.
So, when he sat in front of me, I was stunned for a second, looking at his white hair and tiny wrinkles, I vaguely thought that I could be like a ignorant and cute little girl like when I was a child, playing and acting coquettishly in his lap or arms.
But when my eyes fell on his left hand, I came to my senses almost instantly and faced the person in front of me with an indifferent attitude.
"Zhiwei , have you been well these years?" His voice was trembling with a hint of flattery.
I looked up at him and couldn't help laughing. I asked him, "Does it matter to you whether I am doing well or not? If it is important, shouldn't you have asked this question three years ago?"
When he heard what I said, his expression seemed a little hurt and even lonely.
I had a strange feeling of revenge and victory in my heart. Looking back on the three years of high school, I was so fragile and timid, like a hedgehog, enduring all kinds of sadness and indifference and living alone, trying to make myself numb and indestructible. In those years, I was aggressive and fought, turning myself into a bad girl in the eyes of others, just pretending to be fearless...
So, how should I answer this question?
Smile and say, not good, or, very good?
"I'm sorry." The man lowered his head, hunched over , and choked up a little. When he looked up again, his eyes were slightly red. Because of this expression, he seemed to have aged several years in an instant.
When was the last time I saw this man like this?
My thoughts drifted to the distant past, maybe three years ago...
It was the year of the high school entrance examination. In order to prepare for the exam, I endured lack of sleep and studied late into the night. It was also at that time that he had a big fight with my mother and slammed the door and left.
Those intense emotional outbursts and those unbearable words were nothing more than small episodes in my daily life to me at that time.
As far as I can remember, quarreling has become their daily routine in recent years. I don't know when it started, but they used to be full of intimacy and love in their eyes, but when facing each other, they turned into strangers, swearing at each other and then fighting.
He had slammed the door and left countless times. That time, my mother and I thought that this time would be like many times before. He would come back after a few hours, and then look gloomy for a while before returning to normal.
But this time we were all wrong. A few days later, he came back with only one cold and decisive word:
"Let's get a divorce..."
Just five words instantly destroyed a precarious home.
That was the first time I saw such a strong mother. She cried like a child, kept admitting her mistakes, and begging for one last chance to be together with her parents in a very pitiful manner.
I was extremely scared at the time, and I followed my mother, begging her to stay.
He has always loved me the most since I was a child. There was a time when he carried me on his shoulders and walked around in public. When he talked about his daughter, his eyes were filled with pride.
So I thought, even with such love, he would not be willing to leave me.
However, in the end, he still left without looking back after receiving the divorce certificate.
My mother started crying, and I, because of this blow, failed the high school entrance exam and ended up in a low-ranking high school. I tried to change my mother, even if she hated him in her heart, and she didn't want to live in such depression every day, but in the end... I still failed. After school one day, I saw her cold body and clear tears on her face.
"Zhiwei, you will be alone from now on. If you have any difficulties, please tell me and I will help you if I can."
"It's so sad that he lost his mother at such a young age."
"Good child, don't be sad. There is still a long way to go. Be good to yourself and don't be as stupid as your mother."
…………
That was the first time in my life that I realized that any comfort seemed so fragile and powerless in the face of real heartache and collapse.
At that moment, what I needed was not useless comfort, I just wanted to see her again.
Even though I once despised her, resented her, and even hated her in my heart.
At that moment, I clearly understood in my heart that the person who loved me most in this world had left me forever...
On the day of my mother's funeral, I wore black clothes and supported my grandmother, watching relatives numbly go through the ceremony and say polite words. I numbly watched people coming and going, and my eyes were dry and painful.
Grandma held my hand tightly, trembling, and stood stubbornly and straight.
I thought my tears had dried up, but when I saw that man appear, I started crying uncontrollably.
"Get out! Get out of here!" Grandma yelled as she rushed to him and beat him, "You killed my daughter, get out of here, she doesn't need your worship, get out!"
"Mom, I'm sorry." The man lowered his head and let the old woman beat and scold him.
"I'm not your mother, and I don't need your apology. Give my daughter back to me! Give her back to me!"
"Mom, calm down, calm down." My uncle and aunt pulled my grandmother away and winked at the man, signaling him to leave quickly.
The man bowed and walked away without even looking at me.
My heart felt like it was stabbed by many knives, and it hurt so much that I could hardly stand.
"Zhiwei, come quickly and help your grandma." My uncle shouted to me.
Hearing this voice, the man stopped and looked back at me. There was surprise at the sudden memory and helpless determination in his eyes.
I stood there, looking at that familiar figure, and wanted to call out, Dad, again.
Then, what greeted me was turning around and leaving again.
Even after three years, I still haven't forgotten that turn, and the look in his eyes when he left.
It was also that look that made me realize that from now on, he would no longer exist in my world...
Grandma grabbed my hand and choked up, saying, "Weiwei, don't cry. You still have grandma. Grandma will not abandon you."
I nodded heavily: "Yes, I won't cry."
Although I was supporting my grandmother, my eyes never left the direction where the figure disappeared, until my aunt tugged at my sleeve. Then I seemed to suddenly remember something and rushed out of the funeral home like crazy. The door handle hit me, and I staggered and almost fell. The pain in my ribs was far less than the pain in my chest.
"Weiwei..." Grandma's voice disappeared behind me. I seemed to hear nothing and ran around anxiously, looking everywhere.
I passed by one man in black after another, and when I bumped into their shoulders, I said sorry in panic and continued running, just to chase that figure.
I don’t know why I did this, I just felt that if I didn’t look for it now, I would never find it in the future.
In the end, I still found nothing. The only people coming and going were sad and numb, but none of them were the one I wanted to see.
When I returned to the mourning hall, I happened to meet my aunt chatting with some relatives. Perhaps because I was standing in the corner, they didn't notice my presence.
"Did Zhiwei just rush out? Could this girl be a lunatic like her mother?"
"I guess she went out to chase her father! Alas, that man is so heartless. His wife died and he didn't even take his own daughter with him." said my aunt.
"Her father doesn't want her, so your old lady won't let you raise her, right? Haha, you're in trouble now!"
"Oh my, please don't scare me. I don't want this kind of burden."
"Sending a girl this big to school is a huge expense. It gives me a headache just thinking about it."
"That's right. It's also her mother's fault. When she was alive, she was crazy and caused us trouble. After her death, she left such a trouble. It's better for us to die together."
No one responded to my aunt's words. After looking at each other, they found an excuse and dispersed. Not everyone dared to say vicious words.
Such a cold voice and such piercing pain made me tremble all over.
If the world wanted to, there would probably be a million ways to bring me down.
However, what I never expected was that the most vicious words and the most cruel departure all came from the people closest to me.
Since I was a child, my mother always told me, everyone living in this world is laughing at each other.
She, who once had insight into human affairs, never imagined that even when she died, she would not be spared and would once again become the most tragic joke!
…
After the funeral, everything became quiet again. My grandmother held my hand and stood in front of my uncle and aunt. They had gloomy faces, especially my aunt, who glared at me as if I were an enemy.
My grandmother grabbed my hand and pulled me behind her. I looked at their expressions in silence, which were full of disgust and disdain.
My uncle forced a smile and asked, "Mom, we just finished cooking. Let's sit down and eat together. Don't stand at the door."
"You should understand why I'm here today. Your sister loved you so much in the past. Now that she is gone, Zhiwei will live with you two from now on!" said grandma.
"Mom, we don't make much money, and it's already hard to raise one child. Raising another one is really..."
"Shut up!" Grandma interrupted my aunt, looked up at my uncle and asked, "I just want to ask you, is it okay or not?"
"Mom, we..."
"If it doesn't work, I'll die here today."
My uncle looked at my aunt awkwardly and got a vicious glare in return.
That look finally made me understand why she said, "It would be better for us to die together."
Burden is my synonym.
Finally, my uncle could not resist my grandmother's threat of death and agreed, but he only promised to take care of me until I graduated from high school. Hearing this, my aunt turned and walked into the bedroom, slamming the door so loudly that it seemed that the whole house was shaking.
Two days later, I moved from my grandmother's house to my aunt's storage room. The small and cramped space had a strong smell of decay. There were only four pieces of furniture in the room, a narrow bed in the corner that could only accommodate one person, a detachable non-woven wardrobe at the head of the bed, a desk with a brick on the corner, and a plastic stool that could only be seen at roadside stalls.
Sitting in the corner, I could hear the quarrel between my uncle and aunt clearly. My cousin didn't want to hear such noise and directly applied to live in the school dormitory. In order to survive, I had no choice but to accept it all.
The name of my father, like the death of my mother, has left a mark on my heart. The happy times we had as a family of three have become an untouchable taboo in my heart. Whenever I dream about all that, I laugh in my dreams and wake up crying in reality. The happier I am in my dreams, the more desperate and helpless I am in reality.
If possible, I wish there was a magic eraser that could erase all the memories of him, whether happy or sad.
"Dad has let you down all these years."
It was another apology. For the sake of money, I thought I should accept it and pretend to be calm and call him "Dad". But these two words were stuck in my throat like a fish bone, unable to be swallowed or spit out.
I looked up at the man in front of me. He looked at me with a mist in his eyes. His hands were placed on his chest, holding a glass full of lemonade, and his knuckles were slightly white.
I turned my head away, avoiding his gaze. Not far away, the clerk who worked with me was whispering in the corner , looking in our direction from time to time, and when he noticed my gaze, he quickly turned his head away, slightly tilted his body, leaving his back to me.
"Zhiwei, can you give dad a chance to make it up to you?" Seeing that I was silent, he said flatteringly, "I already know that your uncle and aunt quarreled because you were going to college. Don't worry, dad will take care of your tuition and living expenses in the future. You don't have to work so hard . If you want, you can move in with dad."
He sat opposite me, his brows furrowed, immersed in his own sorrow. I looked at his face, and it seemed that time had not left many traces on it. He still looked the same as he did three years ago. I still vaguely remember that my mother had aged a lot a few months after he left, and her thick black hair, which she was once proud of, gradually began to be mixed with white hair.
Thinking of my mother, my heart aches again. I used to not understand why one person could be vigorous and energetic while the other could be decadent and old after the same divorce. Later I realized that it was because the person who chose to leave first no longer loved me that much.
In fact, it’s not that I haven’t tried to forgive him. My grandmother also told me that everyone has his or her own choices and his or her own paths. Don’t hate or blame someone easily, as that will only make yourself sad.
I understand all the truths, but I can't do it. I hate the man in front of me, and I also hate myself for having to beg him.
The admission letter from University A was signed by my aunt. I still remember that day when I came home from work, my uncle and aunt were sitting on the sofa with serious faces. When they saw me come in, my aunt glanced at me, and before I could say "I'm back", her sharp voice rang out.
My aunt said, "Zhiwei, your uncle and I promised your grandmother that we would take care of you until you graduate from high school. Now that you have graduated, shouldn't you go out and find a job to repay me and your uncle?"
"Why do you talk to a child like that?" My uncle picked up the express document bag from the coffee table and handed it to me. "This is the admission letter from University A. You decide your future path by yourself!"
I took the file bag and looked at my uncle with some surprise. In the past few years, he always did what my aunt said and never disobeyed her.
"What do you mean?" My aunt's voice rose a few degrees. "Your mother is sick in bed now, and her father doesn't care about her. How can she go to college? Do you want to continue paying for it?"
"University A is a good school. It would be a pity if the child doesn't study at this time. So we..."
"Shut up! What a pity! You feel sorry for her, but have you ever felt sorry for our own child?" My aunt stood up and pulled my uncle's ear. "I am the one who makes the decisions in this family. I'm telling you, I can't support her education anymore. There's no way."
"What are you talking about? What good job can a child find after graduating from high school? My sister only has this one daughter. What can I do as a younger brother to take care of her?"
"Mr. Xia, what did you promise me in the beginning? You said you would only take care of this girl until she graduated from high school. Do you want to go back on your word now?"
"The child has no other relatives. When she gets a job and makes money, she will definitely be filial to us. So what if we just have another daughter? I've always agreed with you over the years. Can't you just listen to me once about Zhiwei?"
"No means no! I tell you, if you dare to spend another penny from our family, we will divorce!"
"You..." After hearing the word divorce, my uncle's tone softened significantly.
I am already very touched that he has achieved this for me, and I don't even expect my aunt to really continue to support me financially.
"Uncle, aunt, I will definitely go to college, but don't worry, I will find a way to pay for the tuition myself and won't make it difficult for you." I took a deep breath and made up my mind, "It's just... I hope you can let me continue to live here before college starts. After that, I will go to live in the school."
“You can stay here, but the food money…” My aunt was obviously relieved when she heard me say this. Divorce is just a “weapon” to threaten my uncle, just like my mother did back then.
"Meal...I will eat directly at the place where I work and will not come back to eat." I bit my lower lip tightly, afraid that I would cry.
"You'd better come back and eat. How can the food outside be as clean and hygienic as at home?" said my uncle.
"Just shut up!"
Seeing that the two were going to continue arguing, I found an excuse to hurried back to the room. After closing the door, I leaned against the door and breathed deeply. Only then did I realize that my body was shaking slightly. Tears fell silently.
I should be thankful that at least they raised me for three years.
I should hate the man who abandoned me.
If my mother hadn't left, perhaps I would be a happy girl now, living happily with my mother and grandmother every day.
However, there is no "if" in this world. The departure of that man not only took away all my happiness, but also brought me endless darkness.
I looked at the man in front of me, but I couldn't call him dad after all, and I couldn't say the word forgiveness after all.
I don't think I would contact him if I didn't have to.
But as an art student who wants to study at University A, the tuition for art majors is much more expensive than that for ordinary majors. In the past two months, although I have worked several jobs at the same time, I still cannot raise enough tuition before school starts.
Every night when I tossed and turned because of money, I would curse him many times in my heart. I couldn't help crying while cursing, but I dared only curl up in the quilt and sob quietly, for fear that my aunt would hear me and call me a jinx.
Seeing that I remained silent, the man pushed a card in front of me and started talking more, with a flattering tone in every sentence: "There is a year's tuition and living expenses in it. You can use it first. If it is not enough, I will put more money in it."
Seeing that I didn't say anything, the man smiled bitterly: "I know you don't want to see me, or even hear my voice. If you run out of money in the future, just send me a text message. No need... no need to call."
The man, who was nearly fifty years old, was very cautious in front of me, like a child who had done something wrong, and was a little at a loss.
I felt sick to my stomach, and looking at that blue bank card, I hated myself even more. It was really hard to accept something I hated.
I took a sip of the lemonade to relieve the dryness in my throat. I put the bank card back in my pocket. When I looked up and met his eyes, he seemed to be explaining his shameless behavior. I was a little flustered: "I will definitely pay you back according to the bank's interest. Anyway, thank you."
I stood up and turned around to face him. I couldn't help but think of that evening in my freshman year of high school when my mother was lying quietly on the bed, her face as pale as paper. There was a medicine bottle beside her hand, which contained sleeping pills that she had accumulated from nowhere.
Her heart felt as if it had been hollowed out, and the draft whistled through the hall, chilling her whole body.
After my mother passed away, my grandmother, who was once healthy and loved to practice Tai Chi sword, also became ill. She had to be hospitalized every now and then, and now she can't even lift the sword.
Yes, I hate this man.
But it was also this man who gave me the last glimmer of hope to go to college.
Pride and self-esteem are so insignificant in the face of money.