"Zhiwei."
As I turned to leave, the man grabbed my arm and looked at me with pleading eyes.
"Mr. Cun, thank you. I will definitely pay you back." I tried to break free from his hand. He held it tightly, and my wrist hurt, but I couldn't break free, so I could only sit back.
There was not much business in the coffee shop in the morning. The other two idle shop assistants stood in the corner and kept looking in our direction. After I glared at them a few times, they became bolder and didn't even try to hide from me.
They must be speculating about the relationship between me and this middle-aged man, and perhaps they have already imagined all kinds of dirty scenes in their minds.
"Mr. Cun, do you have any other instructions?" If I take other people's money and still act noble and cold, outsiders might say that I am a bitch and pretentious, but I still can't greet them with a smile.
I took out my cell phone and played with it, looking through the few photos in it, hoping that this man would leave on his own and stop playing the father-daughter love drama with me.
"I know you don't want to see me, or even hear my voice. It's true that Dad has let you down over the years." He looked at me and said slowly, "But Zhiwei, I am your father after all, and you are my biological daughter."
"If possible, I would rather never have had a father like you. Then my mother wouldn't have died, my grandmother wouldn't have fallen ill, and I might still be able to live happily." As I said this, my nose couldn't help but feel sour, "At least... I still have a home..."
I want to have a home, even if our family lives in a small space, with a mother who smiles at me every day and a grandmother who nags at me after coming back from sword practice.
"sorry……"
"I don't want to hear you say sorry, Mr. Cun. To me now, you are a creditor. I should cater to your likes and dislikes, but I'm sorry, I can't do it. If you have to take back the money because I can't cater to you, I will accept my fate." I may have a heart of stone. I still can't soften my temper in the face of such an apology.
"You know I wouldn't do this to you," he explained.
"Will you not? When you left me and mom, I thought you wouldn't abandon me, but you left anyway, without even an explanation or a word!" I stared at him with wide eyes, grinning, almost crying. The more I wanted to cry, the brighter my smile became. "When you left me and mom, did you ever think once that you were sorry for me? When you left mom's funeral without even looking back or even looking at me, did you ever think once that you still had a daughter who was expecting you to come back, even if it was just for a glance or to ask, 'How are you doing?'"
"Zhiwei..."
"Zhiwei, my name. Mom said that in order to choose this name, you had been scratching your head since you found out she was pregnant. You thought of hundreds of names of men and women, always wanting to give me the best. Do you know? When I first learned about this story, I was very happy. I felt that you were the best father in the world and the man who loved me the most. But..." I smiled , "How much I loved you in the past, how much I hate you now."
He nodded, his eyes gradually lost focus, and he stood up in a panic, knocking over the glass with his hand and hitting his legs on the table. He took out a few pieces of paper and wiped them in a panic, lowered his head, and said, "I suddenly remembered that I have something else to do. I'm leaving first. Take good care of yourself, take good care of yourself, take good care of yourself..."
The clerk who had been watching the excitement on the side came over and said with a polite smile: "Sir, I'll take care of this."
"Thank you." He finally looked up at me, but lowered his head again for a moment. "I'm leaving first. Send me a message if you have anything."
As I watched him leave the coffee shop, I swallowed back the word "Dad" that was about to come out of my mouth.
I stood up and prepared to pack up and continue working. The girl who came to help me came close to me and asked with a gossipy tone: "Is this person your friend? I thought he was crying just now."
"Does it have anything to do with you?" I asked without raising my head.
"Why are you talking like that? You look so quiet and cute, but I didn't expect you were just pretending. Could that person just now be your sponsor? I saw him give you a card. There should be a lot of money in it! If you are so rich, why are you still working here?"
As I expected, I had become associated with all kinds of filth in their minds.
This girl had only been here for two days, and we were not familiar with each other. Asking such a question was beyond the bottom line. I also understood that in front of such a person, too much explanation would only give her more opportunities to slander me.
She didn't seem to want to let me go, and chased me and asked, "Cun Zhiwei, are you being kept by someone? I heard that you don't have any parents, so is that why you fell into depravity?"
"Don't you think it's rude to ask this?" I said a little unhappy.
"Are you unhappy?" She didn't seem to understand what I said. She stared at me with big eyes and asked innocently, "I'm sorry, I like to joke around, but I didn't expect you to take it so seriously."
As she said this, she playfully stuck out her tongue at me.
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. If it were my old self, I might have slapped her without saying a word and scolded her, "Don't act cute in front of me." But that was in the past.
From the moment I received the admission letter from University A, I decided to say goodbye to the past. I am no longer the same person I used to be.
I smiled brightly: "So you were just kidding? Your acting is so good that I took it seriously!"
She didn't seem to expect this kind of reaction from me. After being surprised, she went about doing her own thing somewhat unwillingly. I stood where I was and couldn't help but raise my hand to touch the corner of my mouth.
It's really stiff!
In the well-lit coffee shop, I faced every customer with a well-trained smile and explained everything about the store to them in a soft voice.
Time has changed a lot of things, making the once rebellious me mature. Who could have thought that I was once a bad girl with dyed hair of various colors and was arrogant and domineering on campus?
"Oh..." I sighed, turned and walked to the bar. Just as I started to tidy up, I heard some faint discussions and laughter. I looked in the direction of the sound and saw that girl was "reporting" the information she had obtained to the other waiters.
Can’t people live in an environment without gossip and right and wrong?
The boring criticisms and malicious speculations made me feel extremely annoyed. At this moment, I felt a slight movement at my shoulder. Was he here to continue to sniff out gossip?
What are your guesses this time?
After all, the question of being kept has been rejected...
Turning back, I wanted to see what new words they could come up with. The few words that came out of my mouth, "What else do you want to...", were instantly swallowed back by the beautiful face in front of me that was almost dreamy.
The boy , who was a head taller than me , was facing the light, with a golden halo on his face. To accommodate my height, he bent slightly and smiled at me, just like a sunny boy from a cartoon. When he smiled, the corners of his eyes drooped slightly, like the cutest and purest deer in the zoo, with clear eyes.
"Excuse me, could you please sell me a paper bag?" His eyes were clear and sincere, with an embarrassed expression on his face. He probably knew that it was inappropriate to come to a coffee shop and ask for a paper bag without drinking anything.
"Ah? W...what?" I was a little unresponsive and took a small step back.
I don't know why, but I, who never have too many emotional ups and downs towards anyone or anything, now have my heart beating faster when I look at this strange boy in front of me, and I become as nervous as an annoying young girl.
"Well , if it's inconvenient, please give me a cup of warm cappuccino. Well, in that case, can you give me a paper bag?" Seeing that I was stunned, the boy took out his mobile phone from his pocket and showed the payment code of Alipay. "I just ran out of cash. Can I pay with this?"
Looking at the maze-like payment code, I tried to wake myself up, looked at his clear eyes and shook my head: "No, no need."
"Ah? It can't be used?" The boy seemed a little embarrassed.
I quickly waved my hand, picked up the paper bag next to me and handed it over, saying, "It's not that you can't use it, but I can give you a paper bag for free."
Seeing the paper bag, he took it with joy.
After taking the paper bag and thanking me, he turned around and prepared to leave. He took only two steps and came back as if he had thought of something. He took out a beautifully wrapped candy from his pocket, placed it in front of me, and said sincerely, "I hope you have a good mood."
After saying that, he left again.
Looking at the candy on the table, I reached out and took it in my hand. I don’t know why, but the annoyance I just felt was instantly forgotten, and replaced by his clear eyes and clean smile.
My eyes followed his back as he walked outside the store, put several loaves of bread and other food into the paper bag I gave him, and then placed it in front of a homeless person.
It is not an attitude of arrogance or charity, but respect and understanding.
In the past, I was a person who didn’t believe in feelings or love. My parents’ divorce, my mother’s suicide, and my uncle and aunt’s constant quarrels made the word “love” like a complicated knot in my heart. It looked strong and beautiful, but in fact, as soon as the main line was pulled, it would fall apart in an instant.
This boy and I were obviously from different worlds, and it was also the first time we met, but I don’t know why, I was attracted to him. Was it because of his bright smile, or his eyes as clear as a deer?
I don’t know, it’s just like what Haruki Murakami said, a person was walking in a spring field, and a cute little bear came from the opposite side, with fur like velvet and big round eyes.
Even though I knew that this kind of boy was not the same type as me, my mind couldn’t help but keep recalling what had just happened.
I don't know his name, I don't know his age, and there wasn't even a complete conversation...
The craziest thing I have ever done in my life was probably when I was eighteen, I met a boy and fell in love with him at first sight.
The most embarrassing thing I have ever done in my life was probably when I was eighteen years old. I fell in love with a boy but didn't even dare to ask his name.
But I knew we would meet again because I saw the badge of University of A on his white T-shirt.
The badge pattern is so familiar to me. I once cheered for that pattern on the admission letter I received not long ago. Yes, that is the exclusive pattern of University A.
Fate is so wonderful. It made me have more aspirations for college life. After a brain storm, I thought of too many ways to find him among these thousands of people, so that he could remember me and fall in love with me.
I was frightened by my own bold idea, but I also felt a little expectant. It would be a wonderful thing if I were really loved by such a person!
We never know what will happen in the next second. To me, this boy is like a mirage in the desert. Until I get close to him, I will never know whether it is real or illusion.
After imagining countless scenes of encountering him at University A, I dragged my somewhat dazed body back home. When I took out my wallet to get the door card, a photo fell to the ground. I picked it up. The photo showed me when I was sixteen years old, with flamboyant red hair and heavy nightclub makeup. I was hugging another green-haired girl next to me in a very domineering manner and laughing wantonly.
Reality reminds me that it's time to start a new life.
I stuffed the photo behind the card that came with my wallet and didn't want to talk about that past anymore.
As soon as I entered the door, I found that my cousin who had been traveling abroad had returned. The three of them were sitting on the sofa, eating fruit and watching variety shows. When they saw me coming back, my cousin and my aunt looked up at me at the same time and continued watching TV. Only my uncle said, "You're back. Have you eaten? There are vegetables in the refrigerator. You can heat them up yourself."
"I've eaten. I'm going back to my room now."
I knew a long time ago that there would never be a place for me in this family, ever.
Suddenly I miss my grandma very much.
So the next day, I took a day off for the first time.
My grandmother used to live with us, but after my mother passed away, the house was taken back by the landlord. I moved in with my uncle, and my grandmother moved into a nursing home using her pension and the meager inheritance left by my grandfather.
Three years have passed and the vigorous old woman's hair has turned gray. The happy life she had worked hard to build for a lifetime has been covered with a layer of dust because of her daughter's death. After the sadness and sorrow faded away, the years left her with deeper wrinkles and an increasingly thin and weak body.
When I walked into the room, grandma was sitting in the rocking chair, half dozing off. I didn't know if she was asleep or awake. When she heard the sound, she moved her index finger on the armrest, like a slow motion in a movie. She turned her head, and her pale face was more radiant: "Weiwei is here!"
Blood relationship is really a very strange thing. With so many people coming and going every day, you always have a premonition letting you know that your close ones are around.
My chest felt like it was touched lightly, and a slight pain spread from my heart. My eyes were wet. I walked to my grandmother, half-knelt beside the rocking chair, and whispered, "Grandma, it's me."
She held my hand, looked out the window and asked, "Have you eaten yet?"
"I've eaten it, and I also brought your favorite date cake for grandma!"
"The hair is black!" She smiled happily, "Actually, our slightly red hair looks pretty good too."
“You’re lying!” I laughed too, “You didn’t talk to me for several days because I dyed my hair red.”
"Really? Oh, I'm old and can't remember clearly. Kid, your grandma is already this old, how could she be so stingy? She won't talk to you just because you dyed your hair? That's nonsense." Grandma was playing tricks on me like a child, with a childlike smile on her face dotted with age spots.
"Okay, okay, I was just talking nonsense. Do you want to eat some date cakes while watching TV? This time I bought the one from your favorite restaurant. We waited in line for a long time!" People say that old people become like children when they get older. My grandmother, who didn't like sweets much when she was young, has been asking me to bring her all kinds of desserts in the past two years. But the doctor's orders were not to eat too much, so every time I brought too little, she would nag for a long time, just like a child who couldn't eat candy.
I turned on the TV, and saw a very melodramatic so-called blockbuster of the year. The hostess yelled at the man who brought his mistress's son to her, questioning him: "Why are you doing this to me? What gives you the right to do this to me? Have you forgotten..." After a long list of stories about how he made a fortune, the woman burst into tears, the man was helpless, and the mistress's son gloated over her misfortune . The quarrel was really fierce.
I picked up the remote control and wanted to change the channel, but my grandmother waved her hand at me and said, "This one is pretty good. This woman looks a lot like your mother. I love watching it."
"grandmother……"
"I'm fine. It's just that seeing this woman reminded me of your mother. It's my fault." She looked at the screaming woman on TV, and seemed to see another world through that woman. "When she was little, your grandfather and I spoiled her. After she got married, your father spoiled her. We all wanted to give her all the best things in the world. In the more than 30 years before the divorce, she lived too smoothly, so she was devastated after suffering such a blow. We didn't expect that a man who doted on his wife so much would suddenly leave so decisively one day. Your mother didn't expect it either."
There are some things we can never forget. My mother’s departure is a wound in my grandmother’s and my heart that will never heal. There was a time when I was very afraid to see her. Once I saw her, I would hold my head and cry. I hate myself for being so fragile.
"Have you seen your father?" grandma asked me suddenly. She had wanted to ask me this question since the first time we met. I had noticed the hesitation in her eyes again and again.
I nodded and told him the important parts of our meeting in the coffee shop, without mentioning his sadness or my pain. It was like an ordinary meeting between me and my creditor. He gave me some money, and I accepted it, but I would pay him back.
"Weiwei!" She held my hand and said earnestly, "Don't hate him, he is your father after all."
"But didn't he abandon me and mom ? You know how sad Mom was after he left, and how sad I was too." I lay on grandma's lap aggrieved, choking with sobs, "Grandma, this is the only thing I can't listen to you about."
"You are just as stubborn as your mother. You never change your mind easily." Grandma stroked my long hair and sighed softly, "Grandma just doesn't want you to be as tired as your mother. Do you understand?"
"Hmm." I groaned.
"Grandma won't force you to forgive him, but promise me to give him a chance. Even if I'm gone one day, you can rest in peace."
"Why are you talking nonsense again?" I pouted in dissatisfaction.
"Grandma was talking nonsense. It's all Grandma's fault. Weiwei, don't be angry. Come eat the date cake with me, okay?"
"good."
At first, we could still talk to each other, but over time, in order not to make each other sad, we rarely mentioned it. How long has it been since grandma mentioned mom? Her words today surprised me a little, and I began to wonder if something happened recently that she had to mention.
The figure of that man appeared in my mind, and I shook my head to get rid of this possibility. How could my grandmother meet him?
This afternoon, my grandmother and I talked a lot. We talked about the joys and sorrows in TV dramas, our reckless behavior in high school, and my aunt's newly bought red dress... Whenever we mentioned topics related to that man, we would always avoid them tacitly.
Over the past three years, we have learned to smile and laugh, and pretend to be strong in front of everyone. Only we know that the other person still has soft spots, and once the grief is touched, it cannot be contained.
The sky remains gloomy and refuses to clear up, just like my life. I don’t know when I will see the sun again.
"Mr. Li, it's raining outside. Did your granddaughter bring an umbrella?" A grandfather ran in with wet clothes, shook the water off his hair, and frowned when he heard the TV volume was so loud. "Why are you turning it up so loud again? I've told you so many times that it's not good for your ears!"
The old man turned down the volume of the TV. I stood up, greeted him respectfully, and prepared to leave. When I was leaving, my grandmother handed me a dark green umbrella: "You didn't bring an umbrella when you came here, right? Take it!"
I remember this umbrella clearly. It was the one that the man had been using. It was a consolation prize given to me when we were shopping in a supermarket a few years ago. Because I disliked the ugly logo on it, I used a marker to change it beyond recognition.
"Has he been here?"
"Well, I just came to see me. Don't think too much. I wanted to tell you what grandma said today a long time ago. It has nothing to do with him." Grandma patted my hand holding the umbrella and said, "Weiwei, people should learn to muddle through life and not take it too seriously."
"Yes, I understand."
I went out with an umbrella, and big raindrops hit the umbrella, making crackling sounds. When I reached the intersection, I watched the numbers across the street turn green and then back to red again and again. My mind went blank, and the palm of my hand holding the umbrella handle was burning painfully.
"Trust dad, I will definitely give you the biggest teddy bear."
"The first two times were just warm-ups, this time will definitely be it."
"Don't worry, Dad is omnipotent, Dad will definitely do it..."
My memory goes back to many years ago when he took me to buy a lot of things in order to win a teddy bear I liked. In the end, I only won a green umbrella as a consolation prize. He even laughed at me, saying that this supermarket really didn’t know how to do business. How could they give away green umbrellas?
When I got home, my mother would inevitably nag me. I would listen to her, put my umbrella in a corner, and doodle with a marker in a way that I thought was artistic.
Although he always dislikes the green color of the umbrella, he will still take it from the umbrella stand every time he goes out. He always likes to joke with me that when Weiwei becomes a painter in the future, this umbrella will be the most valuable work of art.
I am still on my way to becoming a painter, but I no longer like teddy bears.
My phone buzzed and vibrated. It was a message from him. It simply said, "Is grandma okay?"
"fine."
"That's good. What about you?"
…………
After deleting and revising it several times, I finally just typed “OK” and sent it to him. I didn’t know how he would react after reading it.
I put away my umbrella and walked into the rain alone. Many people around me called me a fool, but I smiled and didn't respond.
That night, I searched through all the boxes and drawers to find a family photo. I looked through everything, but only found a copy of "Norwegian Wood" in one box. I blew on the surface lightly, and a layer of dust was raised.
When I opened it, I saw my mother's beautiful handwriting on the title page. It said: I hope you can remember me, remember that I lived like this and stayed by your side like this.
I don’t know when this message was left. That “you” is that man, right?
My mother interpreted this sentence with her own life, what about me in the future?
Can the boy who makes my heart beat faster make me love him regardless of everything and finally say something like "I hope you can remember me, remember me who has been by your side like this?"
I'm scared.
I dare not think about it.