Along the way, I thought of many reasons, but I couldn't figure out why Xu Yan was looking for me.
The image of him staggering away after roaring at noon appeared in my mind.
He asked me not to appear in front of him again, so why would he come to me on his own initiative?
When I walked to the stairs and saw the tall figure standing in the corridor, I suddenly realized that Xu Yan had no reason to look for me, because the person looking for me was not Xu Yan at all.
"Small Eyes!"
I haven't seen Lin Jiarui for more than half a year. He has lost a lot of weight. His face used to be a little chubby and white and tender, but now his face is angular, his skin is darker, and his body looks thinner but more slender.
The boy stretched out his right hand, which was hanging at the side, holding two huge plastic bags. The bags were full of food and other useful things .
My eyes didn't linger on him for too long. The moment I saw Lin Jiarui, I subconsciously wanted to leave. But he seemed to have known that I would leave. The moment I turned around, he reached out and grabbed my wrist forcefully.
My mind was blank and I didn't even have the energy to think about why Lin Jiarui knew I was here.
"Little eyes, I'm out. Xiao Jingjing said you were here, so I came to see you." Lin Jiarui said, holding my hand tightly.
I turned around, with my back to him, and couldn't see the expression on his face.
I know he was released. Not long ago, my dad and I talked about him while having dinner.
But I always pretended not to care, thinking that as long as I left the shantytown and came to this new environment, I could get rid of the shadow left by the past, get rid of Qixuan, get rid of An Xiaoduo, and get rid of Lin Jiarui.
But Shanghai is so small, where can I hide?
I don't blame Xiao Jingjing for telling Lin Jiarui that I was here, because I didn't tell her what happened between me, Lin Jiarui, Xu Yan, An Xiaoduo, Qixuan and others during that time. Naturally, she didn't know the secret I was hiding in my heart.
I began to struggle, trying to shake off Lin Jiarui's hand. People passed by in the corridor from time to time, and they all looked at us curiously .
I didn't want to attract other people's attention, and I didn't want others to know what happened between Lin Jiarui and I, so I struggled a little less.
Lin Jiarui also saw my concerns. He let me pinch his flesh with my nails and did not let go. Instead, he grabbed my hand even tighter and pulled me out of the stairs.
"Jian Lening, can you stop being so stubborn with me? Yes, I only cared about Xiaoduo that night and left you behind. I was wrong, but I didn't know that would happen. If I had known, I would never have left you. The damage has been done. No matter how much I say, you won't listen. You will think I am making excuses for myself, but haven't I paid enough for this mistake? Jian Lening, if Xu Yan had been stabbed to death by me, I would probably have been in jail for the rest of my life. But at the moment I did it, I didn't regret it. I think I finally did something for Xiaoyan."
Lin Jiarui had a bad temper after all. As soon as he pulled me to a deserted place, he couldn't help but yell at me.
He felt aggrieved, and I felt aggrieved for him too.
In fact, he did nothing wrong. At that time, he chose to rush to the side of An Xiaoduo, whom he loved. This is beyond reproach because everyone has the right to choose happiness.
The harm that Xu Yan caused to me was not what Lin Jiarui wanted to happen. He felt guilty about that incident and sorry for me. He spoke to me in a humble manner over and over again, and even stabbed Xu Yan with a knife for me.
He said, Jian Lening, if Xu Yan had been stabbed to death by that knife of mine, I would probably have spent the rest of my life in jail. But at that moment, I did not regret it. I thought, I finally did something for Little Eyes.
My nose suddenly felt sore and my hands no longer had the strength to struggle, so I let Lin Jiarui hold me.
Compared to Qixuan who left me behind, compared to An Xiaoduo who once hurt me, compared to An Xiaoduo's mother who pulled me out that day and then left me behind and has not apologized to this day, Lin Jiarui has done enough for me.
It was me who had been fussing over trivial matters, using my resentment towards them to make up for the hurt I had suffered.
In fact, no one owes me anything.
That night, they all chose the most important person in their lives. If I want to blame someone, I can only blame myself, Jian Lening, for not being as important as An Xiaoduo; if I want to blame someone, I can only blame myself for knowing Xu Yan.
If I hadn't gone to find Tong Xingyu, Xu Yan wouldn't have thought that I killed his sister, and he wouldn't have hated me so much.
Come to think of it, it turns out that everything is my fault.
People always like to blame others after being hurt, and never think that many things are self-inflicted.
When I realized how ridiculous the resentment that had accumulated in my heart over the past few months was, I finally collapsed to the ground powerlessly and burst into tears like a helpless child.
Without all that resentment, I felt completely lost.
During this period, I have been fighting for my dignity. I feel that they have all let me down, so I want to live better than them. I want them to see that without Qixuan and Lin Jiarui, I, Jian Lening, can live better than An Xiaoduo. I am not sad, I am not heartbroken, I can smile at them, I don't need their pity. I have been relying on this resentment to hold on until now. Since that hysterical cry, I have not cried until now.
However, at this moment, I was crying so hard that Lin Jiarui was at a loss.
The boy, who was never good at comforting others, threw down the things in his hands in panic, sat on the ground and hugged me, like a child who had done something wrong, and kept blaming himself: "Jian Lening, stop crying. I was wrong, I was not good, I shouldn't have yelled at you, if you are sad, just hit me, scold me, it's all right! Don't do this!"
I grabbed his clothes tightly and didn't let go. I didn't hit him or scold him, I just grabbed his clothes tightly and didn't let go.
I won’t let go, I can’t bear to let go, for I’m afraid that once I let go, the warmth will be gone.
I have been pretending, pretending that I don't care about the love they give to An Xiaoduo, pretending that I can still live well without that warmth. But now I know how much I envy An Xiaoduo, envy that she has so many people who love her, envy that when she is hurt, so many people comfort her and say, "Don't cry, I am here."
I am so jealous because no one comforts me.
"Lin Jiarui! Lin Jiarui..."
I kept calling out the boy's name, and heard him reply in a panic, "I'm here! I'm here!"
here I am!
This time it's for real.
"Jian Lening, I saw that there was sunscreen in the bag you brought back yesterday. I don't know where my mom put my bottle. When we get to the dormitory, can you lend me yours? The sun is too strong today!"
After the military training in the morning, Tang Yu, who was standing next to me, naturally took my hand, blinked his big black and white eyes, and said.
I smiled at her and didn't refuse.
Although I didn't go to the dinner with them last night, we all naturally became familiar with each other.
Sometimes, communication between people is very simple, as long as someone takes the first step.
"Look! Isn't that Jian Lening and Tang Yu?"
Someone behind us shouted in surprise, and then two petite figures rushed to us in a hurry. They were He Yiran and Wang Hong who shared the same dormitory.
When we dispersed, the two of them went to the bathroom, so they didn't go with us.
"Where's Sun Yu? Why can't I see her?" Tang Yu looked around and didn't see Sun Yu, so he asked He Yiran and the others.
"Her father came and said he brought her some things. She should be eating outside now," said Wang Hong.
He Yiran smiled and said, "Let's go eat too!"
In the cafeteria, looking around, all you can see are students wearing camouflage uniforms.
The second and third year students eat earlier than us , and almost all the people who come to eat at this time are freshmen and instructors.
I walked towards the reserved seat with the prepared food, only to find that my seat was already occupied. Tang Yu and the others, who had already prepared their meals, were sitting next to me and chatting with the person occupying my seat.
As if sensing someone standing next to him, the man suddenly turned towards me.
When I saw that face, I felt like I was electrocuted. My whole body stiffened, my hands shook violently, and the prepared food spilled all over the floor.
"Jian Lening, what's wrong with you? You look like you've seen a ghost."
Tang Yu stood up suddenly and asked me in astonishment. His eyes fell on the vegetable stains on the boy's white T-shirt, and his expression looked a little ugly.
"I'm sorry, Xu Yan, my classmate didn't mean it."
Tang Yu helped me explain with an apologetic look, while He Yiran and Wang Hong, who were sitting next to me, looked at me with concern.
I stood there stiffly, watching the expression on Xu Yan's face change from shock at first, to anger, and finally to mockery.
Amid everyone's astonished gaze, I ran away in panic.
"Jian Lening!"
Tang Yu shouted loudly behind . Many people in the cafeteria looked at me. I felt very embarrassed and just wanted to escape.
Xu Yan is dangerous, and the smiling Xu Yan is the most dangerous, because you never know what kind of conspiracy is brewing under that seemingly harmless smile of his.
I don’t know how long I ran, but when I saw the dormitory building getting closer and closer, I realized that I had escaped, and my first reaction was to go back to the dormitory.
The school gave us time to take a nap at noon and then continue training in the afternoon.
After running for a long time, I felt very tired, tired of everything.
I am tired physically and mentally.
I was wondering, for the past three years, should I continue to hide from Xu Yan and run away like I am now?
But why should I run away? I didn't do anything wrong, why should I run away? Am I afraid that he will hurt me again? But how else can he hurt me?
The sun was scorching above my head, and a layer of sweat appeared on my forehead. The sweat slid down and flowed into my eyes. I didn't bother to wipe it off. The moisture in my eyes was both sweat and tears.
With a "bang", I staggered and one leg fell to the ground weakly, followed by the second one.
My body fell forward by inertia, and I suddenly had the urge to fend for myself. I thought, it would be better to just fall down like this, so I wouldn't have to live in fear anymore.
However, the second I fell to the ground, I remembered the fire, the scene of escaping death, the parents I couldn't bear to leave behind, Xiao Jingjing who has never abandoned me, Ling Er who had the same fate as me but was obedient, and Lin Jiarui who almost went to jail for me...
I even thought of the handsome boy on the other side of the ocean, the boy I was once infatuated with - Qixuan.
I wanted to stand up, but found that I had no strength at all. The sun shone on me fiercely. I felt dizzy and my vision went dark - I seemed to have heatstroke.
Someone walked towards me and squatted beside me. I instinctively grabbed the person's hand and with his help, I struggled to stand up from the ground, breathing hard, and trying to open my eyes to seek a ray of light.
"Jian Lening, why don't you run away?" Xu Yan's usual sneer rang in my ears, and I immediately realized whose hand I was holding, so I quickly let go, shook my head, and after seeing who was coming, I wanted to run again.
Xu Yan didn't stop me. He just stood there expressionlessly, watching me stumble away, as if he was watching a trapped animal struggling to its death.
Xu Yan finally came forward and grabbed me, pulling me into a nearby pavilion.
He seemed to be prepared. When the cold cooling patch was placed on my forehead, I was stunned for a long time. I didn't think he would help me.
"If you die in one try, you won't be able to play again, right?"
He always has the ability to throw people into an ice cellar in an instant. I feel very cold, as if cooling patches are applied all over my body.
I sat in the pavilion for a long time, in silence, before I tried to adjust my breathing.
"I heard that Lin Jiarui has come out. I also heard that a boy came to see you yesterday and bought you a lot of things. Is it Lin Jiarui? Why, he doesn't like An Xiaoduo but likes you? Or does he feel sorry for you?"
Xu Yan stood up , walked to my side, put his hands in his trouser pockets, and spoke to me condescendingly with his head tilted, with a smile still on his pretty baby face.
Xu Yan must have learned about Lin Jiarui from Tang Yu and the others. It can be seen that Tang Yu and Xu Yan have known each other for a long time.
I didn't answer him, but just stared at the white T-shirt that I had soiled under his camouflage uniform.
He always speaks harshly, I just have to learn to put up with it.
"Throw away all the things he bought!"
He was angry, no longer smiling, his anger was obvious.
"This is bought for me, not for you. It's up to me whether you need it or not. Lin Jiarui is my friend."
I glared at him angrily, no longer willing to compromise.
I never owed him anything, so why could he torture me so righteously?
"You are so poor that you can't even afford those things, so you have to ask others to give them to you? If you like others to give them to you so much, then I will give them to you, as long as you listen to me obediently."
"Snapped!"
I slapped Xu Yan in the face, and looking at my painful palm, I was stunned, and so was Xu Yan, who was hit by me.
The air around me seemed to be still and I could hear the boy's breathing next to me.
I knew he was angry, and I was waiting for him to hit me and give me that slap.
But he didn't, he chose a way that would hurt me more easily than hitting me.
"If he was your friend, why did he abandon you that night? Why were you wandering around the city alone and looking pathetic ? Did he show up when you met me? Did he come when you screamed? Do you think he is being nice to you now because he considers you a friend? He is making up for his guilt! If he really wanted to help you get revenge, he should have stabbed me!"
Xu Yan yelled at me angrily and forcefully pulled my hand to his chest.
My hands were shaking, my whole body was shaking, and I looked at Xu Yan with a pleading face, begging him with my eyes not to destroy my only remaining faith.
"He was afraid of going to jail, so he didn't dare to stab me to death. Jian Lening, do you think I'm right?"
Yes, that’s all right, but what does that have to do with me?
I only believe what Lin Jiarui said. He did not regret it the moment he took action. He finally did something for me.
A young boy who had never seen the world suddenly drew his knife. He must have felt scared and terrified. But at least he stabbed, didn't he? It didn't matter where he stabbed.
And I also feel fortunate that Xu Yan did not die, so Lin Jiarui was not ruined by that knife.
"Jian Lening, don't get entangled with Lin Jiarui, and I will let you go."
Xu Yan seemed to guess what I was thinking. He let go of my hand dejectedly and made his final concession with a grim expression.
"He is my friend! Lin Jiarui is my friend!" I met Xu Yan's cold gaze and said firmly.
"You better stay this firm."
"I will, as long as he doesn't leave me again."
"What if he leaves you again?"
"No, Lin Jiarui said he wouldn't do that, I believe him!"
"What if An Xiaoduo comes back? Do you think you and she are comparable in Lin Jiarui's heart?"
I was finally completely defeated. An Xiaoduo is an unhealable wound in my heart.
Yes, An Xiaoduo is Lin Jiarui ’s invincible inner demon. I have no confidence at all. I am even sure that if anything happens to An Xiaoduo again, Lin Jiarui will definitely abandon me again.
Xu Yan left triumphantly. He had successfully defeated me. I sat dejectedly in the pavilion, my heart unable to calm down for a long time.
I woke up when the lunch bell rang. I wiped the dust off my body from the fall, tore off the cooling patch that Xu Yan had put on my forehead, threw it into the trash can, and then walked towards the dormitory.
I comforted myself that at least An Xiaoduo hasn't come back yet.