Sometimes I wonder if everyone’s memory is a black, empty shadow, or am I the only one wandering in this inescapable world of pain, unable to extricate myself, and gradually sinking?
If this is really the case, will there be an angel, with light, breaking into this darkness, stretching out his hands, and saving me? Perhaps, this is just an illusory dream that cannot be realized.

On a July morning, the vaguely shaped sun hung in the lead-gray sky, like a round stone that was about to fall.
I slowly opened my eyes, reached out for the phone beside my pillow, and turned on the screen with ease. The time displayed was 6:43.
Because of the poor quality of sleep that made me feel confused, I poked my head out from the warm quilt like a zombie and stared at the numbers on the phone screen for a long time before I remembered that today was Sunday. I also remembered that I didn't need to rush to get dressed and wash up to attend the morning exercises that started at 6:30 every morning. I couldn't help but feel a lot more relaxed.
I got up, folded my quilt, and tidied my appearance, repeating the boring, robotic things I did every day. Finally, it was the note on the kitchen table that caught my attention - "Wen Yu, mom went to buy groceries. Breakfast is ready and in the pot. Heat it up yourself."
I read it silently for a while, then silently crumpled the note into the trash can, then silently opened the steamer that was still steaming, inside which were four dry and unappetizing buns neatly arranged.
For some reason, my head started buzzing, as if those buns were some kind of incomprehensible danger signal. I suddenly rejected this world from my heart to every pore.
I staggered back a few steps, fell trembling in front of the trash can, pinched my neck and began to dry heave. In a world blurred by tears, Ni Nuo's angular face with a flamboyant smile appeared in front of me.
He was wearing the most common white coat, and the curve of his mouth made people feel confident. His fingers tapped the table in front of him rhythmically: " Wen Yu, in my opinion, the reason why your illness is recovering slowly is mainly due to your own problems, which come from your rejection of everyone."
"It's mainly me?" I raised my eyebrows and sneered, "You are not pushing all the troubles onto me because you are helpless against my illness, right?"
My tone was very impatient, and my expression must have been very ugly .
But Ni Nuo didn't care. He couldn't help laughing again: "See, this is the problem. It's not that I didn't lead you in the right direction, but you always look at everyone with malicious eyes. Didn't we have a good chat before? But you suddenly put on an expression that said 'Ni Nuo is a bad guy', haha..."
"I know." My thoughts were exposed, and I lowered my head bitterly, "But I don't know what to do."
"Wen Yu." His voice suddenly became heavy, with a hint of rigor. "Psychological disorders are not something that can be controlled overnight. You are in an extremely unstable state now. Emotional collapse can happen at any time and any place. Maybe when you walk on the street and see a piece of wood, you will feel gloomy and lose control. So, what you have to do is to control yourself, try your best to control yourself..."
self-control……
Ni Nuo's voice gradually faded away from my ears.
I covered my mouth in despair, staring at the innocent buns lying in the pot as if facing a great enemy. Then I jumped up from the ground like a spring, pounced over, and slammed the lid shut.
Out of sight, out of mind! Isn't it just about controlling yourself? Even if you can't do it, don't you know how to divert your attention?
Feeling weak all over from excessive retching, I turned around, took out a bottle of ice-cold mineral water from the refrigerator, walked slowly into the attic, and simply started reading the English article.
The attic used to be my favorite place when I was lonely and helpless.
Late at night, in the sea-blue sky, a bright white crescent moon hangs in the sky, and occasionally you can see a few cold stars, embellishing the night sky with their slightly chilly light.
At that time, I was breathing the cold air and curled up in the corner of the attic. Only the crescent moon could see my face full of scars, resentment, helplessness and despair.
But I still enjoyed the tranquility filled with loneliness at that time.
But now...although the attic is still the same attic, and the people standing in it have not changed, the pedestrians coming and going in the attic have broken the tranquility that I miss .
I flipped through the English book in my hands irritably, forcing my mind to absorb the rows of complicated words.
Suddenly, an extremely shrill child's scream broke into my ears, causing my fingers to suddenly tighten.
"What did I tell you? Why did you run out anyway? Didn't I tell you to stay at home and watch your brother work? You didn't listen! I'll beat you to death! I'll beat you to death!" Another dissatisfied woman's voice followed.
Hearing this voice, I almost subconsciously turned my head and looked in the direction where the voice came from - "Mom, I, I'm hungry... I came out to buy some steamed buns, my brother is already asleep..." The little girl, who looked only seven years old, had red and swollen cheeks and tears. She fearfully blocked her body with her thin arms.
"Snapped!"
Completely ignoring the girl's explanation, the woman raised her hand and slapped her hard again.
"Did I allow you to eat? You're just abandoning your brother like that? What will you do to compensate him if something happens to him? I told you not to listen! I'll beat you to death—"
The woman whipped the girl who had nowhere to hide like a madman. More and more onlookers stood quietly by with indifferent expressions. Occasionally, a kind-hearted person would mutter a few words in a low voice, but finally all fell silent.
I clenched my fists tightly, my body shaking violently, looking at the girl who could not resist and could only endure silently, my chest seemed to be burning with a raging fire... "Wen Yu, you dare to talk back to me? Are you tired of living?" The familiar and frightening male voice in my memory came to my ears, sometimes far and sometimes near, "Today I must make you remember this lesson!"
Then the man's hideous face rushed towards me with a strong smell of alcohol and danger. The girl in the attic was still crying. I seemed to see the poor girl who was always shivering in the attic on her tearful face...
The next moment, my confused brain no longer gave me a chance to think, and the English book in my hand was thrown aside. I bit my lips tightly and rushed to the bottom of the attic like a fly.
More and more people gathered around, but the woman showed no intention of stopping. The little girl seemed to have given up struggling, and only occasionally raised her arm weakly to gently wipe the wound on her cheek.
I don't know where I got the strength from, but I pushed through the crowd, rushed to the girl, opened my arms, and firmly protected her behind me.
"Stop it!" I suppressed the rising anger in my heart, "If you continue like this, she will be seriously injured."
The girl raised her head weakly, revealing a pair of beautiful eyes like grapes, looking at me with confusion and gratitude.
The woman's displeasure was written all over her face when the "performance" was interrupted by a sudden stranger. She looked me up and down with her sharp eyes, and then asked me viciously: "Who do you think you are! Get out of here! It's not my turn to interfere when I teach my own child a lesson!"
"Who do you think you are?" The woman's self-righteous expression completely destroyed the last bit of rationality in my heart. I argued with her almost hysterically, "If you dare to touch her again, I will call the police immediately!"
After hearing the word "police", a hint of uneasiness flashed across the woman's tense expression.
The crowd began to talk, and some even agreed with my suggestion.
The woman's face slowly turned red, not because of shame or regret, but because of the flush of resentment, accusation, and unwillingness. Her chest rose and fell violently, and she seemed to have forgotten the police. She strode forward and stretched out her hand to pinch my shoulder: "Nosy little girl, today I will teach you not to be too enthusiastic!"
Her movements were slow, and her violent emotional fluctuations revealed many flaws. When her hands were about to touch my shoulders, I frowned in disgust and subconsciously reached out to push her away.
If Ni Nuo was present at this moment, he would definitely shake his head in disappointment and whisper, "Wen Yu, why didn't you control yourself again?"
Yeah, why?
I didn't have time to think about this question. What had happened could not be undone. When I came to my senses, the woman had fallen to the ground with pain on her face, and there were holes in her pants from being scratched by stones.
The next second, her pig-slaughtering cries filled the entire alley : "Everyone, come and see if there is any justice left..."
The hoarse crying made me feel inexplicably irritated. The little girl who was protected behind me started shaking violently. Then she rushed out wiping her tears, squatted humbly in front of the woman, and asked softly, "Mom, are you okay?" It was as if the person who had just beaten her all over was not the woman in front of her.
The woman turned a deaf ear to me and continued to sit on the ground, loudly accusing me of my evil deeds. But I didn't pay any attention to her at all. I just stared blankly at the girl who was still whispering to comfort her mother.
It seemed as if something blurred my eyes and I was on the verge of falling.
It felt as if a sharp knife was cutting . The pain was eroding my senses infinitely. Amid the woman's continuous screams and the girl's soft whispers, I held my head in my hands and took several steps back.
Medicine, I really need medicine now!
"Are you scared now? Why are you pretending to be in poor health?" Seeing my expression, the woman continued to pester me. "I'm telling you, if you don't give me an explanation today, you can't leave..."
I couldn't hear what she was saying anymore, but the buzzing in my head became stronger and stronger. I struggled to find the way home, but I didn't have the strength to push through the crowd.
"Wen Yu, what are you doing here?"
A familiar voice with doubt appeared like a savior.
This voice brought me back to reality, and the pain in my head suddenly eased a lot.
Looking at the middle-aged woman in simple clothes carrying a heavy basket of vegetables in front of me, I forced a smile and said softly, "I'm fine, Mom..."
The crowd of onlookers gradually dispersed. In this busy morning, everyone had a lot of things to do and no one would waste too much time on irrelevant people.
Only the highly nervous woman seemed not to be like this.
"Is this your girl? Haha, you have to discipline her well and don't hit her for everything. She just pushed me to the ground. My clothes are new and they are torn and damaged. Tell me, what should I do?" She crossed her arms and said arrogantly in front of my mother.
I frowned and refused to give in. "You mean I should apologize? Then let the police make the judgment. After all, your child was badly injured."
As I said that, I took out my cell phone and pretended to call the police.
The woman's face turned pale and she began to stutter: "Don't think that calling the police..."
"Wen Yu, don't be willful." Mother sighed deeply and looked at me helplessly, "Hurry up and apologize to them."
"Mom, I'm not wrong."
"Apologize immediately, do you hear me?" The mother 's tone became more serious.
I just felt so angry that I turned around and said nothing.
The mother shook her head helplessly again , then smiled apologetically and said softly to the angry woman, "I'm really sorry, my daughter is in poor health. Can we just let this go?"
"But my clothes..." the woman grumbled unwillingly.
"If you mention clothes again," I said coldly, "the police will definitely come looking for you."
"Alright, alright! It's my bad luck! The child is unreasonable, and the parents are unreasonable too!" When the woman heard the word "police", she waved her hands repeatedly, pulled the girl standing next to her and turned away, "Oh, what an unlucky day today is..."
The girl was pulled roughly and limped behind the woman. She suddenly turned around and gave me a grateful smile.
An innocent face, a smile as bright as the sun, but with a maturity and gloom that is not appropriate for this age.