When she got home, the mother sorted out the fruits and vegetables she had bought without saying a word. Then she opened the lid of the steamer and saw the four buns lying motionless inside. Her expression suddenly darkened.
I sat back in my chair, staring blankly out the window.
"Wen Yu, why didn't you have breakfast?" The voice was light, with unconcealable tiredness.
I paused, then answered seriously, "No appetite."
Then there was another long sigh, and I could feel my mother's breath getting closer and closer, and finally stopped beside me.
A thin, rough but warm hand gently covered mine.
"Yuyu, I know you feel bad too." The mother's voice was very soft, "But you should understand that your condition is still unstable. Try not to cause trouble to others. What's more, you have to stay at your uncle's house. If this happens frequently, won't it cause trouble to your uncle and aunt?"
"That child was beaten so badly I went to stop it." Thinking of that scene, I still can't stop my hands from shaking, "That girl, so pitiful."
The mother's body stiffened and her expression turned somewhat ugly.
The atmosphere suddenly became frozen. We both looked at each other in silence for a long while. Only occasionally we could hear the sound of the breeze blowing and the rustling of leaves.
"That was a long time ago after all..." The mother's voice became dazed again, "Your father often beat you, which left a deep trauma on you. Although this is also the cause of your illness, it's been so long..."
A tide of memories flooded into my mind again. My father's vicious words and ferocious face pounced on me like a wild beast. I stood up from the chair, gasping for breath.
The mother quickly shut her mouth.
"Mom, I'm very tired." I calmed my breathing and tried my best to make my voice sound flawless. "I'm going to sleep first."
After saying that, I walked towards the room like a zombie.
My mother's almost inaudible sigh fell into my ears again.
The morning mist has dissipated, the sky has gradually turned a clear blue, and even the sunlight has become warm.
I skillfully took out the letter paper and pen from the desk and began one of the ways to relieve my boredom.
The sound of the pen rubbing against the paper was a little harsh in the silent room, but it made people feel particularly comfortable. Half an hour later, two long letters were completed, filled with what happened in the past few days and complaints from the bottom of my heart.
Then find the white envelope from the bottom shelf and fold the two letters neatly.
Finally, the mailing address...
The tip of my pen lingered on the envelope for a long time.
Or is it that... address that doesn't exist at all? That random place I made up that's probably a blank slate?
Thinking of this, a bitter arc appeared on the corner of my mouth.
Although I don’t even have any friends to chat with, this fake address should be an important comfort to me...
I picked up the pen again and wrote down the address that I had already memorized. I held my breath, walked out of the room, put it in the mailbox, and quickly walked back to the room, trying not to attract my mother's attention.
With the delivery of the letter, it seemed as if a stone in my heart finally disappeared.
I huddled back in my quilt and put on my headphones, which played Eason Chan's deep, hoarse voice on repeat, like a comfort from another world.
"Walking through the surging crowds and dim lights, I never thought of turning back. One journey after another, one that is endless, when will it be finished? What does my dream represent and what makes us uneasy..."
I curled up in the warm quilt with soothing music, recalling the scene after scene that had happened. I felt tears in my eyes. Fortunately, there was this powerful voice encouraging me, telling me to keep going and not to back off.
I closed my eyes tiredly and immersed myself completely in the music.
Tomorrow, I will go back to my uncle's house again.
It was another night filled with nightmares. My father's twisted and dark face, reeking of alcohol, pounced on me. His fists and slaps rained down on me. The pain woke me up from the horrible dream world, and I faced the cold, empty room with cold sweat on my forehead.
Outside the window, the sun had already peeked out, and a few cool rays of light came in through the cracks in the window. I reached out and touched my forehead, and finally decided not to continue sleeping.
There was already the sound of dishes colliding outside the room. I calmed down, packed up my things, and walked out quickly. I whispered to my mother who had already gotten up and was busy preparing breakfast, "Mom, I'm leaving."
"So early?" A hint of surprise flashed in the mother's eyes. "Have breakfast first."
"No, I'm going to my uncle's house to pack up some things." I forced a smile, "Bye."
"Wen Yu..." The mother's hesitant voice sounded from behind, "Listen to your uncle and aunt, talk more with the psychologist, and don't cause them any trouble..."
My body paused and my mouth opened, but in the end I decided to remain silent. I just nodded slightly and walked out of the house as if escaping.
Where else can I go?
In order to facilitate treatment, I stayed at my uncle's house most of the time. Although it was a different environment, there didn't seem to be any special improvement or change in my life.
It's just like a prison.
I quietly opened the door to my uncle's house with the spare key, trying to reduce my presence as much as possible so as not to attract the attention of my family, but I was still caught by my aunt who got up early.
"Aunt, I'm here." I had to greet her reluctantly. I didn't want to meet her eyes, so I turned away quickly.
"You came so early? You didn't even check the time." She frowned unhappily and shook the water cup in her hand, "You really don't know how to behave."
"I'm sorry." I didn't raise my head. I just said these three short words and quickly walked towards the guest room. I heard my aunt's vague and cold voice behind me again - "You are so uneducated."
With a "creak", I pressed my body against the door and let out a long sigh.
There is no doubt that my aunt hates me. I understand many things. When you live under someone's roof, you have to bow your head. Besides, I don't want to cause unnecessary trouble to my mother.
It was still early and the tattered alarm clock on the table was ticking. I held my breath and waited until my aunt's voice was no longer outside the door. Then I quietly began to pack the clothes I brought and finally fell tiredly on the hard bed.
Perhaps because of lack of sleep, I felt my consciousness becoming hazy, as if the last bit of strength in my body had been drained away. My eyelids felt extremely heavy, but just before I was about to fall asleep, I heard the piercing sound of the door being pushed open.
I sat up from the bed like a spring, and looked straight ahead with huge dark circles under my eyes, only to see Cheng Panpan standing in front of the door with sleepy eyes, wearing a playful pink pajamas and holding a huge teddy bear doll in her hands.
Her voice was still hoarse from just waking up: "Sister Wen Yu, did you just come? I heard my mother talking."
When I saw it was her, my tense nerves relaxed for a moment.
I smiled and said calmly, "Well, why are you up so early?"
"I was so excited that I couldn't sleep! Guess what I dreamed about last night?" Cheng Panpan's eyes lit up, she threw away the doll in her hand and ran to my side, falling intimately into my arms, "I really don't want to wake up..."
"Did you dream about Lu Tianyi?" I forced myself to cheer up.
"How boring... Why did I guess it right the first time?" Cheng Panpan glared at me coquettishly, but she couldn't stop smiling. "In my dream, Tianyi took me to eat dessert, and we also went to the amusement park together. He held my hand..."
Cheng Panpan's sweet voice with happiness sounded intermittently in my ears. This eldest lady who was raised by her uncle and aunt seemed to have never known what sorrow was.
"Pan Pan." I reached out and gently stroked her soft hair. "It's almost time to go to school. Aren't you going to get ready?"
"Oh, right!" Hearing my reminder, she woke up from her beautiful dream instantly, smiled shyly, and rubbed against my arms again, "Then I'll continue to talk to you about our dear Tianyi tonight! I'm going to clean up first!"
After saying that, she gave me a bright smile, picked up the doll on the ground, and left with energy.
I stared at her back for a long time, until I could no longer see her, then I stretched out my trembling hands to take out the medicine and water that had been prepared long ago from my backpack, poured them all down my throat, then stood up and patted my cheeks in the mirror, looking at myself whose face was so pale that there was no trace of blood.
"Wen Yu." I whispered, "You have to be strong."
In my impression, school is just another kind of prison.
I repeat the same things every day, listening to lectures, taking notes, and carrying out various meaningless activities. In this inescapable environment, I try to reduce my presence as much as possible.
It was morning reading time and not all the students had arrived yet. I walked into the classroom with my head down. As soon as I pulled out my chair, I heard the teacher's voice ringing in my ears - "Wen Yu, there is a singing competition in the school soon. I hope you can participate, so I reported your name to the school."
I looked up in surprise and felt the gazes of my classmates around me concentrated in my direction, like sharp needles.
"Teacher... I... am not good at singing." After coming to my senses, I quickly and politely refused.
"I see you always wear headphones to listen to music every day, and..." The teacher's voice gradually lowered, "You are always alone, and it is not a good thing that you can't integrate into the group. Isn't it a good thing for you to get in touch with your classmates through this activity?"
Looking at the teacher's sincere eyes, I swallowed back the countless words that were about to come out of my throat.
There is no way I can refuse kindness.
"I know you are hesitating." Seeing my silence, the teacher pressed the issue, "It's just a song, and I don't care about the ranking. How about it?"
I held my schoolbag tightly in both hands, my mind racing, trying to find a more appropriate reason to refuse.
and……
The increasingly inquiring eyes of my classmates around me made me even more uneasy. If I didn’t refuse, I would face more…
"Teacher, can I express my opinion?"
Just when I was at my wit's end and was about to agree, a clear voice suddenly sounded beside me.
The sudden situation made everyone look towards the person who made the sound, including me.
"Teacher, the school takes this singing competition very seriously, and ranking is also very important. I don't recommend Wen Yu." Xiang Nanfeng leaned back in his seat with a relaxed attitude, but there was a firm smile on the corner of his mouth, which made his dark and bright eyes even more energetic. "Besides, Wen Yu and I are very familiar with each other, and I know that she is a really bad singer. If I reluctantly agree, then she will feel embarrassed, right?"
I stared blankly at this young man who was as dazzling as the sun, and felt all the blood in my body rushing to my head.
Why did he do that?
Xiang Nanfeng is one of the most outstanding students in the school. Not only does he have excellent academic performance and a wealthy family, he also has a very good personality. He is simply a popular male lead in TV dramas.
What's more, I don't remember that I was very familiar with him. Since we became classmates, the number of words we have spoken to each other can be counted on the fingers of one hand.
"What, Nanfeng and Wen Yu are very familiar with each other?" Someone raised a questioning voice in the silent classroom.
"Yes, Wen Yu is obviously not easy to approach. I didn't see any contact between them."
"Are you kidding? Haha..."
A chaotic voice buzzed in my ears. I was so startled that I almost jumped up from my seat. I subconsciously wanted to refute, but I saw Xiang Nanfeng's dark eyes seemed to fall on my face intentionally or unintentionally, and then he frowned slightly.
For some reason, my open mouth closed tightly again .
Even though I was slow-witted, I understood what he meant: if I clumsily explained this lie that exonerated me in front of everyone, the outcome would be terrible.
"Is Wen Yu really bad at singing?" The teacher seemed to think Xiang Nanfeng was right and was a little shaken.
"Of course, so teacher, please choose someone else." He turned around and immediately returned to his usual approachable appearance, with a hint of mischief in his smile, "Teacher, what do you think of me?"
His tone was relaxed, and it easily dispelled the tense atmosphere.
The whole class burst into cheerful laughter, and even the teacher shook his head helplessly: "Forget it, Wen Yu, I won't force you."
"Okay, okay..." I answered subconsciously and stiffly, not yet fully recovering from the previous situation.
In a trance, I realized that Xiang Nanfeng's gaze was always on me, with a dream-like sense of unreality. My clenched fists became stronger and stronger, and my nails almost dug into the flesh. This subtle pain kept me awake for the last time, and I looked in his direction with an expressionless face.
But in the end, I only caught an ambiguous smile from him.
Why? Why on earth?
I was uneasy the whole morning because of this little thing that almost no one cared about. I couldn't concentrate on the class. A dark shadow lingered and enveloped me. Countless question marks lingered in my mind, as if they were about to explode.
Until the school bell rang, the tense mood had not been relieved at all.
I glanced at my classmates and found that they had already left the classroom in groups of three or five, laughing and talking happily. I sighed, picked up my schoolbag, and stood up to leave.
But just as he stood up, he heard a smiling voice behind him: "Wen Yu, why don't you say thank you for helping you?"
The sudden sound scared me so much that I took a few steps back and the chair I hit made a loud noise.
I looked up in doubt and saw Xiang Nanfeng with his arms folded and his brows slightly raised. He was sitting at the table behind me, as if he had been waiting for a long time.
I quickly calmed my frantic heartbeat and frowned, “Thank you.”
"Your expression... doesn't look like gratitude?" Xiang Nanfeng jumped off the table briskly and walked towards me step by step . The smile on the corner of his mouth became more and more ostentatious, "As if I'm your enemy."
Because of his approach, I stepped back cautiously, my voice already tinged with displeasure: "I've already thanked you, do you have anything else to say?"
Xiang Nanfeng paused.
His figure was slender and upright, but there was no sense of restraint, and even his voice was very gentle: "I'm just joking with you, don't be so scared. By the way... Wen Yu, why are you always alone? Is there anything going on later? If not, how about I take you to a fun place?"
I raised my head sharply and stared at him.
At that moment, there seemed to be a voice in my heart reminding me the reason why these things happened today... Xiang Nanfeng, is he sympathizing with me?
Thinking of this, disgust and fatigue surged in my heart, and I sneered: "If you think I'm pitiful, please stay away from me."
Perhaps he didn't expect such an answer, Xiang Nanfeng's smile suddenly froze on his face, but after just one second, it returned to normal.
He looked at me helplessly and said softly, "You think too much."
"I'm sorry, I don't have time." I turned around and said in a cold voice, not wanting to look at him again, and left the classroom as quickly as possible.
Behind him came Xiang Nanfeng's long sigh, and a voice that gradually became blurred: "What a stubborn girl..."
There are many things in this world that I cannot predict, such as the teacher ’s sudden recommendation this morning, Xiang Nanfeng’s inexplicable friendliness, and... I left my wallet behind when I hurriedly left the classroom.
In front of the teaching building, I frantically rummaged through my schoolbag, messing up my books and stationery, but I didn't see any trace of my wallet.
For a moment, my heart slowly sank to the bottom. I looked towards the classroom with a pale face and began to hesitate.
Should I go back? If I encounter Xiangnanfeng again, how should I deal with it?
Not going back? But my aunt asked me to buy some fruit.
In the empty playground, I had a fierce ideological struggle. Thinking of my aunt's cold and disgusted eyes, I finally decided to go back to the classroom, with the hope in my heart that Xiang Nanfeng might have left.
In order to put an end to this disturbing thing as soon as possible, I ran back to the classroom at almost the speed of a 100-meter sprint. While paying attention to the situation around me, I slipped to my seat, took out my wallet that was quietly placed on the desk, and then ran out the door without daring to stop for a moment.
But because I was a little nervous, my messy steps became a little shaky, and the threshold that was neither too high nor too low became a huge obstacle. I watched my toes hit it, and I let out a low scream and staggered forward.
I closed my eyes in fear, but did not feel the pain I had imagined. Instead, I was supported by a pair of warm and strong hands, and the sound of books falling to the ground rang in my ears.
"Hey, I say..." The voice I didn't want to hear sounded again, "Are you so afraid of me?"
I shrank uneasily in Xiang Nanfeng's arms, then immediately stood up and pushed him aside neatly.
Still couldn't escape...
I lowered my eyes sadly. Although I was extremely reluctant, I still had to say, "Thank you..."
He was slightly startled, then chuckled and said, "You thanked me twice, but I didn't hear any sincerity. Do you really want to thank me?"
This meaningless conversation made me feel unreasonably irritated and embarrassed, but I couldn't think of a way to end it. I pursed my lips awkwardly, my eyes wandering, but I was attracted by the books scattered on the ground.
They must have been dropped accidentally when Xiang Nanfeng was holding me... They were just a few simple textbooks and there was nothing special about them at first glance. However, the pure white envelope that fell out of the English textbook and the familiar stamps and handwriting on it made my already rapid heartbeat even faster.
That was clearly a letter I wrote! I won't admit my mistake! Whenever I feel down, I will write down and mail it to an address that can't possibly exist... Why was it stuck in Xiang Nanfeng's textbook?
I no longer had the heart to pay attention to his teasing, and at this moment my hands were trembling slightly because of the strong uneasiness.
Xiang Nanfeng quickly noticed my abnormality, and following my gaze, he also saw the letters.
For a moment, the air seemed to freeze, and the originally quiet classroom now looked more like a suffocating tomb.
"Xiang Nanfeng." My cold voice broke the deathly silence, "Where did you get these letters from?"
These are obviously the most shameful secrets that I have buried deep in my heart. I protect them carefully, and at the same time rely on them helplessly. It is these seemingly insignificant letters that carry the pain of my countless difficult days and nights.
But... they were suddenly exposed in broad daylight, as if the unbearable things they had been desperately protecting were dug out and exposed nakedly to the world, with blood and pain scorched by the sun and spread by the wind...
No longer afraid, my scrutinizing gaze fell on Xiang Nanfeng's face.
He seemed not to have expected such a reaction from me. There was only a moment of unnaturalness in his bright eyes, as if it was my illusion.
"Ah, I used to work part-time as a postman, and I received these." He explained calmly, "But it's strange that the addresses of these letters don't exist at all. I was a little curious, so I kept them with me."
As he spoke, he bent down to organize his textbooks and quickly stuffed the letter back into his pocket.
This small action completely infuriated me. I pounced on him like an angry lion and tried to snatch it, but came up empty-handed.
"Give it back to me! It's mine!" I tried hard to control my breathing.
"Yours?" He raised his eyebrows like a mischievous child, "I won't give it to you! Besides, there are many people with the same name in the world. How can you prove that this is yours?"
My outstretched hand froze in mid-air as I stared angrily at the smiling boy.
He is simply being unreasonable!
How can I prove it? Do you want me to tell you the unspeakable contents in the letter?
"How could you ..."
"It's not impossible for me to return it to you." As if he had expected what I would say, Xiang Nanfeng interrupted me by shaking his English textbook, "How about this, Wen Yu, if you promise to be friends with me and go out to eat and watch movies together, I will return it to you, okay?"
His tone was brisk yet extremely serious, but when I heard the word "friend", it was as if some strange emotion filled my heart.
Finally, my arm, which had been kept in the air, slowly fell down.
Xiang Nanfeng had a gentle and warm smile on his face all the time, and the light in his eyes became brighter and brighter. He was patiently waiting for my answer.
But……
"Forget it, I don't want those letters anymore." I picked up the bag that fell on the ground dejectedly and turned sideways to avoid the south wind. "Friends? I don't need friends at all."
I left without looking back, leaving Xiang Nanfeng with a complicated and unpredictable expression on his face.