My name is Bai Xiaodie. I live in a damp rainy alley in the south of the Yangtze River. There is a heavy rain in my life.
This rain started on my fifteenth birthday and continued for several years, soaking my limbs, my hair and the hems of my clothes, so that every step I took would leave a trail of water stains.
Shen Xiaoxi often said, "Bai Xiaodie, you look so sad all day long, as if I am bullying you."
Whenever she said this, I didn't say anything, but just buried my head lower so that my presence could be lost in the dirt.
At this time, if my father passed by, he would gently rub my hair, then pretend that he saw nothing, push his black-framed glasses, and slowly walk back to the study.
Oh, I forgot to say that Shen Xiaoxi is the child of my stepmother Aunt Chen.
On my fifteenth birthday, my mother went out to buy me a birthday present, but all she came back with was a blood-stained white dress—my last white dress.
It was a very pretty princess dress that could also be worn as a ballet skirt.
When I was four years old, my mother sent me to learn ballet. She thought dancing could make a person beautiful.
But before I became a beautiful person, my mother passed away. And all my happiness disappeared with my mother's death. I never wore that skirt once, and my love for ballet disappeared instantly.
I became even more gloomy and depressed, as if I had lost the ability to laugh.
Because in this world, there is no one left who believes that I can turn into a white butterfly.
The next year after that, my father married Shen Xiaoxi's mother.
Shen Xiaoxi's mother is the same as Shen Xiaoxi. They look much more glamorous than me, or even than my mother who has gone to heaven.
After my mother and father got married, they gave up their beloved dance career and became full-time housewives like many women. Her rough skin, outdated clothes and shoes made her look like an ordinary auntie on the street.
But I have seen photos of my mother when she was young. She was not wearing any makeup, but she was as fresh and gentle as a blooming gardenia.
At that time, I was very self-conscious and asked my mother why I didn't look as pretty as she did in the photo. Other children were so cute, but I was the only one who looked like an ugly duckling. They didn't want to play with me and stayed away from me.
My mother combed my hair gently and said, "No one could see the beauty of the ugly duckling until it turned into a white swan. Just like a butterfly, it was an ugly caterpillar before it emerged from its cocoon. Little butterfly, when you transform into a butterfly, you will be more beautiful than them all."
"Really?" I looked at her face cautiously and expectantly.
There were shallow wrinkles on her face, but her smile was warm.
She said, "Really, Mom doesn't lie. But, Xiaodie, you must remember to cherish those people who considered you as a friend when you were still a caterpillar. Don't forget those people just because you have more friends."
I was confused and a little frustrated and said, "Don't worry, Mom, I don't have any friends yet."
"Yes, it will happen." Mom said gently but firmly.
So I began to look forward to becoming cute and smart like the ugly duckling turning into a swan, but until my mother died, I never became a white swan .
Mom must have lied to me because not all caterpillars turn into butterflies.
Maybe I, Bai Xiaodie, am the caterpillar that can never turn into a butterfly!
After my mother passed away, my father treated me very well and seemed to give me all his love, until I was sixteen years old, when he came to me with a beautiful aunt and her beautiful daughter.
He said, "Xiaodie, from today on, they will live with us. Xiaoxi is the same age as you, three months younger than you. You will have a companion from now on. Xiaodie, are you happy?"
I stared at my father's face in a daze . At that moment, I felt as if I had never known this man before.
He asked me if I was happy.
How should I answer him? Actually, I am not happy at all.
Seeing his expectant look, I forced back my cowardly tears. I forced myself to smile and answered him in a trembling voice: "Very happy, Dad."
I can't lose face for my father. My father is the only one I have. If I am not sensible, my father will hate me.
I pursed my lips tightly, stretched out a hand towards Shen Xiaoxi, and said, "Hello, I'm Bai Xiaodie."
At that moment, I saw a flash of contempt and ridicule in the eyes of the beautiful girl. She quickly wiped my hand, then picked up the handkerchief and quietly wiped the hand that touched mine, as if she wanted to wipe away something bad.
Don't worry, Bai Xiaodie, it doesn't matter. Everyone has always treated you this way. There's no difference with one more Shen Xiaoxi, I said to myself secretly.
"Let's get along well in the future." Dad breathed a sigh of relief and rubbed my hair.
I lowered my head and tears suddenly fell to the ground.
I took several steps back and hid myself in the shadow of the curtains. I looked at my toes and heard my father, Shen Xiaoxi's mother and Shen Xiaoxi having a pleasant conversation.
It seems like the whole world has forgotten me.
My father also happily forgot about me.
I quietly ran out of the house. It was a dark night, and because it was dark, the stars seemed particularly bright. I sat at the door of my house, hugged my knees with my hands, and couldn't stop crying.
I have nothing left.
That night, I kept thinking this and cried harder and harder, until I couldn't hold back my tears anymore.
"Hey, stop crying." After a long time, a voice came from above.
I looked up blankly and saw a boy about my age. The soft light from the door shone on his face, and his beautiful eyes seemed to be filled with countless stars.
He was more handsome than any other boy I had ever seen, but at this moment, he looked at me with a cold look that was totally inconsistent with his age. This made him look a little precocious, and among other boys of the same age, he would definitely be recognized at a glance.
Moreover, he was holding a big St. Bernard in his hand.
Seeing me staring at him blankly, he suddenly said, "You're very noisy, do you know that? In the middle of the night, people who don't know would think there's a ghost."
So I covered my mouth tightly, not wanting to bother others. This was the only thing I could do as I was almost transparent.
"Here you go." He threw a pack of tissues at my feet, then walked slowly into the darkness, leading his dog.
It was as if no one had ever appeared. Only the pack of tissues at my feet told me that the boy with the big dog had really been there and it was not just an illusion.
I picked up the pack of tissues from the ground. Even though he had such a bad attitude and said such irritating words, the tissues that retained the warmth of his palms felt very warm.
So I wiped my tears and walked back home.
I went upstairs alone. Their party was still going on downstairs. I knew that the party would go on forever, but it didn’t matter because I was alone all the time anyway.