Volume 6 2014 Chapter 1057 If
"Why?"
“…”
Eager to know the truth, Yi Haoyan immediately called Jessica, who was quickly connected.
Of course, Jessica Jung’s first reaction to the boy’s awakening was happiness.
But when he asked about quitting the group, the woman fell silent.
"What happened? Is there something hidden?! Didn't you call me before? I was in the hospital at the time."
Yi Haoyan is very anxious now. He wants to know the truth immediately. Unable to accept the reality, he needs a reason to convince himself.
But now Jessica Jung can no longer give a reason.
"Well... Anyway, I didn't quit on my own initiative..."
After being silent for a long time, Jessica Jung only said this in the end.
"Then someone forced you to leave! Was it someone from the company? Or a member? Or was there some other reason ? Was it related to that Quan Ningyi?"
Yi Haoyan asked a lot of questions but didn't get any answers.
"Forget it, it's all in the past. Haoyan, you're so smart, you'll be able to figure it out yourself when you calm down. I really don't want to say anything more about this matter."
The woman's voice, like sugar, sounded particularly sad at this moment.
The young man felt very upset, with an unrelieved resentment lingering between his chest and throat.
Can't go down, can't come out.
But no matter how he asked, Jessica Jung refused to talk about that incident again and was only concerned about the boy's current physical condition.
This made Yi Haoyan feel even more depressed.
This feeling became even stronger when I looked through Jessica Jung's missed calls at that time.
A strong emotion lingered in my chest, tearing and scratching at it, refusing to calm down.
Regret, pity, remorse, and unwillingness come together and entangle endlessly.
Yi Haoyan wished that time could go back and everything could start over again. There were so many thoughts in his mind that he couldn't stop.
If he hadn't been in the hospital at that time.
If I could have intervened in this matter at that time and the result would have been.
No matter how complicated the contradictions are or how difficult the problems are to solve, Yi Haoyan believes that he has the ability to prevent the worst outcome of quitting the team from happening.
But "if" are the two cruelest words in the world.
If only he could get the call.
If he hadn't had a relapse of depression.
If I hadn't lost my mind by then.
If Enfei hadn't known his true identity.
If they hadn't broken up.
If I hadn’t gotten angry at the truth at that time.
If I had been honest with Enfei earlier.
If only I hadn't lied in the first place.
If my parents hadn’t been in a car accident.
if……
…
…
Once the idea of regret is opened, it will be like a flood that cannot be stopped.
The boy went upstream along the memory line and thought back, only to find that every key node on the timeline of his life had two words written on it.
Two words that he couldn't face.
if.
Every if means that a wrong choice has been made.
Every if means a regret in life.
Looking back at his life, Yi Haoyan sees only regrets and mistakes.
How did it get to this point today?
Why is this happening?
Negative cognition and emotions once again stretched out their curled tentacles from the bottom of his heart and gradually entangled the boy.
Although Yi Haoyan had just escaped from severe depression, he was not fully recovered.
He was like a man who was about to drown in the sea, struggling desperately to get his head above the water and taking a breath in a panic, but he was still a long way from being completely out of danger.
When depression struck, he would sink into the water, choke, be unable to breathe, and struggle desperately, as if he would drown at any time.
When he wasn't having an attack, he just floated on the water and followed the current. Although he was still afraid of drowning at any time, at least he could breathe normally.
An exhausted man is barely floating on the sea, and below is a bottomless abyss that swallows up all happiness. This is Yi Haoyan's current state.
Jessica Jung's withdrawal from the group was undoubtedly a huge blow, causing the young man who had finally surfaced to sink again below the sea level and be submerged in endless self-attacks.
When Yi Haoyan thought back to his past, he saw mistake after mistake, failure after failure, over and over again, and regret after regret.
It’s true, there is absolutely nothing worth remembering!
…
…
After finishing the call with Jessica Jung, the boy sat alone at home for a long time.
Not moving.
He knew he was in a bad state.
I also know that my feelings at this moment don’t mean that things are really that bad.
But depression is depression.
When this state comes, when you are overwhelmed by emotions again, all the feelings are real.
The pain is real, the torture is real, and the crazy self-attacks and extreme emotions in the mind are also real.
The only thing that is not real is the reason for this state of affairs.
Jessica Jung’s withdrawal from the group was the reason why Yi Haoyan was in a bad mood, but it was not a reason for him to deny his own life.
That kind of infinitely magnified self-denial and pessimism is the symptom of a depressive episode.
In fact, Yi Haoyan is now slowly realizing this.
He did not completely follow this emotion and consciously deny himself.
Although extreme emotions came like waves, one after another, the huge impact force was unstoppable and people could only follow the ups and downs of emotions and struggle painfully in the water.
But Yi Haoyan knows that all this will eventually pass, the torrent of emotions will not surge forever, and even the most raging storms will eventually calm down.
He has experienced this state many times during the past year of treatment.
Through consultation with Professor Jin and support from medication.
Yi Haoyan is already able to tell the difference between a depressive episode and a normal state.
When depression comes, the only thing you can do is be patient and wait.
Endure this pain, wait for this state to pass, wait for the emotions to slowly dissipate, wait for yourself to sink to the bottom of the sea, and then slowly float up.
This is a very painful process.
Although the reasons for the feelings are false, all the feelings that arise from them are real.
Many patients with depression have exhausted all their happiness and hope in life in this repetitive torture, and ultimately choose to end their lives.
If life is nothing but pain, what's the point of persisting?
When the desire to escape from pain exceeds the biological instinct for survival, suicide occurs.
As intelligent and advanced creatures, humans have an extremely strong instinct for survival. However, depression can directly destroy this instinct, turning living itself into an unbearable torture.
Yi Haoyan is now suffering from this torture.
The reason why I didn't choose to commit suicide was not because my will was so strong, but because I still had beautiful hope for life in my heart.
Drowned in the sea, he still remembered the beauty of the sun and air.
