Cry in the way of laughing, live with death by your side——Yu Hua "To Live".

He dreamed that he was very young, about five or six years old, sitting at the head of the bed, with a hot radiator on one side and a woman leaning on the other.

The woman was pregnant, so he didn't dare to get too close to her. He just leaned his head loosely on her arm to create an illusion of intimacy and dependence.

That woman was really beautiful, not much different from those famous stars on TV, with an oval face, fair complexion, and neat features.

She was holding a tattered old book in her hands and was reading the story carefully.

The woman seemed to have a low level of education and her reading ability was very limited. She read fairy tales with simple words haltingly and often had confusing sentence breaks. But she seemed quite enjoying herself, holding the book in one hand and resting the other on her belly. Her voice was sweet and clear and her expression was calm and beautiful.

"…The children walked to the other side of the mountain and found a stream. The stream ran happily from east to west, saying, 'Foolish children, here are fragrant cakes, golden roast chickens, countless candies, colorfully hung on the trees, like stars in the sky, you can never pick them all, and there are man-eating monsters here, waiting to raise you into chubby lambs and swallow you up in one gulp.'"

"At first, the children were so frightened that they dared not cross the river. They lived on this side of the stream, eating wild mushrooms and wild strawberries. The wild mushrooms were tasteless and the wild strawberries were sour and astringent. Finally one day, the oldest boy said to himself, 'I can't stand it anymore. How nice it would be if I could eat the cakes and roast chickens on the other side, as well as countless candies.'"

"He was the first to jump over the stream, and had a hearty meal in the beautiful forest. At night, he jumped back to the stream and told everyone that there were no man-eating monsters in the forest. So the next day, the oldest girl also said to herself: 'How nice it would be if I could eat the cakes and roast chickens on the other side, and there were countless candies.' That day, she followed the first boy to jump over the stream, had a hearty meal in the beautiful forest, and returned together at night, claiming that they still hadn't encountered any man-eating monsters."

"One after another, the boys and girls jumped over the stream to enjoy the delicious food on the other side. A day passed, but the man-eating monster did not come out. A month passed, but the man-eating monster still did not come out. They laughed loudly at the rushing stream, and then lived together on the other side of the stream. Every day, they freely shuttled through the beautiful woods, eating delicious food and countless candies. Only the youngest boy stayed where he was. No matter how his companions who were getting fatter and fatter shouted on the other side, he insisted on not taking a step closer."

"The children who had crossed the stream shouted to their friends every day: 'Hey, come here, the stream is lying, there are no man-eating monsters here, life here is like heaven!' But the youngest boy was unmoved, he still made a living by picking mushrooms and wild strawberries. He remembered what his grandmother told him when he went out, there is no free lunch in the world, and comfort without reason is the most terrible trap in the jungle."

"Suddenly one night, the youngest boy heard a sharp roar. He was awakened by the fright. When he opened his eyes, he found that the stream had risen sharply, splitting the earth in half and turning it into an ocean."

"The ocean was singing: 'Little lambs, little lambs, so round, eat them up in one gulp, don't let any of them run away!' The youngest boy rubbed his eyes and found that his companions were being chased by a monster as big as a mountain. But they were too fat to run fast, and they were caught up and eaten one by one before they reached the water. They all fell into the most dangerous trap, and only the youngest boy escaped and passed down the story."

The yellowed pages were turned over, and the story without a beginning or an end was finished. The woman seemed to have completed a big project. She sighed and said nonchalantly to Wei Qian who was leaning on her: "So, people can't live too comfortably. When you are bloated and full every day, you will die of cold soon..."

Her pleasant yet vulgar voice was interrupted by a sharp ring. Wei Qian suddenly opened his eyes and jumped up from the bed as if he was frightened.

It was 5:30 in the morning and it was not yet fully light.

Wei Qian was still immersed in the dream he had just had. It was a beautiful dream, but also a nightmare.

With a forehead full of low pressure from lack of sleep, he struggled to get up like a dead dog, picked up his slippers, and slapped to death a cockroach that was crawling proudly over his bedside. Then he jumped under the water on one leg, rinsed the soles of his shoes, washed his hands and rice with the sound of "click" and "click", and cooked porridge in a deformed small pot.

Then he stuck his head out of the window and saw that Mazi's breakfast stall downstairs had been set up and the oil pan was being heated.

Wei Qian blew a long whistle downstairs, not minding waking up the neighbors, and shouted downstairs: "Ma Zi, give me three fried dough sticks!"

As soon as he finished shouting, the window upstairs creaked open, and a fat man holding a toothbrush in his mouth mumbled, "I want six, pick the thickest and biggest ones for me!"

The one who was shouting was the fat guy upstairs. He has become as fat as a ball, but he is still proud of his character as a "glutton". His level of thinking is simply extraordinary.

Wei Qian felt that Sangen was quite unheroic compared to Liugen, so he looked up at Sanpang and said, "Pig, you are really enthusiastic about selling your pigs. You have ideological awareness!"

Sanpang was foaming at the mouth and had no time to pay attention to him, so he had to stretch out a pig's paw in the midst of his busy schedule and gave Wei Qian the middle finger.

Mazi's father died a long time ago, and he was an orphan who lived with his widowed mother, who made a living by selling breakfast. Mazi had to get up every morning to help his mother fry dough sticks. He was used to hearing his friends fighting each other early in the morning.

He wiped his hands on his apron, said nothing, and waved to the two gentlemen upstairs with a smile to indicate that he had heard them - oh, Ma Zi was a stutterer, and usually he didn't talk loudly in public.

After having breakfast, Wei Qian went to the bathroom to brush his teeth and wash his face as if he was going to war, and started his busy and hard day.

He let the cooked porridge cool down, tidied himself up, ran downstairs with the change to get the fried dough sticks, came back to wake up his sister Xiaobao, watched her finish her breakfast, ran upstairs with her in his arms, and handed her over to Sanpang's mother to take care of her. Before leaving, he knocked Xiaobao's hand away as she was putting it to her mouth.

Then Wei Qian rode his old bicycle to school.

This day was the day Wei Qian took the high school entrance examination.

Wei Qian never knew who his father was, nor did he know how many noses and eyes he had. The only concept he had about this man was that he was a scumbag - this came from the fact that Wei Qian's mother had been repeating this in his ears day after day for ten years.

It is said that the shameless old man is still in jail with the glorious title of "rapist", and no one knows when he will be released. Of course, Wei Qian doesn't even want him to get out. The old prisoner who can't do a thing will be a burden to society if he gets out.

Wei Qian thought that it would be best if the old man was beaten to death in prison by other prisoners before he was released from prison.

One of the victims created by the old prisoner was Wei Qian’s mother... Oh, yes, there was also Wei Qian, an indirect victim.

When his mother was young, her brain was a mess. She didn't learn her lesson and hung out with a bunch of hooligans every day. She would get drunk and hang out outside late at night. Unfortunately, she was targeted by the old prisoner and became a confused victim. Later, she got pregnant and gave birth to Wei Qian.

Therefore, rationally speaking, Wei Qian understood why his mother disliked him since he was a child. He felt that the fact that she did not strangle him to death when he was born was the effect of hormones... Hormones are the miracle of human life.

Not to mention that she managed to raise him.

But despite this, Wei Qian still hated her from the bottom of his heart.

I hate her every day, at a fixed time and at a fixed place, like punching a clock in, and I wish I could eat her flesh and drink her blood.

However... he would sincerely hope that she could give him some warmth. Occasionally, when she really gave him some, Wei Qian would feel extremely happy. Therefore, he also hated himself. He thought that he had bad genes and was born with such a mean bone.

Women are always out at night and do not know what to do. The job she relies on to make a living is ancient and traditional, and has a history of thousands of years of being hidden from the public in our country. This is a job that brings Wei Qian countless "honors" - his mother is a "chicken". In the words of this shameless bitch, the benefit of this job is that she can get sex with men for free and ask men to give her money.

Wei Qian's rapist father ended her entire girlhood, making her completely dark from the inside out and becoming more and more shameless.

As an "egg", Wei Qian's childhood was a long torture.

His mother would go out cursing every night and would not come back until the next morning. She would pinch him awake from the quilt with her long nails. If she was in a good mood, she would scold him like his father, mother, third uncle and grandfather at the same time. If she was in a bad mood, she would slap him twice and then, drunkenly, order little Wei Qian, who was not even as tall as the stove, to get her something to eat.

There were several times when Wei Qian bought rat poison and prepared to put it in the food to die together with her, but he failed in the end because the woman occasionally tried to be a mother and would hold him in her soft arms while watching TV for a while, and when she was happy, she would whisper a few words to him in his ear.

If she made a lot of money at night, she would buy two sets of pancakes for Wei Qian on her way home in the morning.

Although this situation was extremely precious and hard to come by, it always made the young Wei Qian flattered. Every time this happened, he no longer wanted to kill this woman, because he would also remember that this woman was his biological mother.

His biological mother was more beautiful than any woman he had ever seen in his life, but she did not bring him any glory at all.

But after all, she was his biological mother and she would be gone. He couldn't bear to do that.

In this way, the two of them survived, hating each other but relying on each other.

When Wei Qian was five years old, his mother remarried. His stepfather was an honest man who didn't make much money and had no special abilities. He wasn't very warm to his adopted son, but he never abused him.

Later, perhaps because he was an eyesore at home, his stepfather took the initiative to send Wei Qian to elementary school when he was just six years old, riding a large 28-inch bicycle to take him to school.

Wei Qian called him uncle.

After his uncle came, his mother "laid down her butcher knife and became a Buddha" overnight. She never went out to fool around again. Almost immediately, she washed off all her makeup, tied her long hair up high, never drank a drop of alcohol again, and her temper improved a lot.

She transformed herself into a normal woman and a normal mother.

That winter, she even knitted a sweater for Wei Qian. He only wore that sweater for one winter. Because he grew too fast, he couldn't wear it anymore the next year. However, Wei Qian kept it in the closet with great care because it was almost the only gift he received in his childhood.

It is said that children of six or seven years old roll around everywhere and are even disliked by dogs, but when Wei Qian was six or seven years old, he was as obedient as a dog. He didn't say a word and didn't make any requests. If the adults didn't give it to him proactively, he would never ask them for money. Sometimes there were things in school that required payment, and Wei Qian would first borrow money from others, and then go to the billiard hall or game hall to help others with chores and earn a few dollars to pay back.

In the process, he made the acquaintance of many gangsters who were much older than him. The boss thought he was young and it was interesting to see him running around picking up balls and carrying plates. He also had a sharp eye and was very good at reading people's faces, so the boss kept him and treated him as a weird mascot to entertain himself when he had nothing to do.

Wei Qian enjoyed it and did not feel any pain, because he learned at school that he was also a budding flower in the motherland. He was very satisfied with this kind of life.

Therefore, he was always afraid that his uncle would be unhappy, and that his uncle would divorce his mother and make him live a life worse than pigs and dogs again.

When Wei Qian was seven and a half years old, but less than eight years old, his mother gave birth to another girl.

The girl looks exactly like her uncle - oh, that is to say, she is very ugly, but the whole family loves her very much.

She was born in spring. Her parents thought names like "Chun" and "Liu" were too rustic and unsuitable for their precious girl. It was hard for her mother and uncle, as they had less than nine years of education in total. They spent more than a week racking their brains to come up with a name for the girl, which they thought sounded poetic: "Song Lili".

His surname is Song like his uncle, the "Li Li" in "Li Li Yuan Shang Cao", and his nickname is Xiaobao.

However, Wei Qian rarely called his sister by this unfortunate name. Even until she grew up, he still called her "Xiaobao".

Instead of saying "gathering", you have to say "separation". I've never heard of anyone giving their child such a big name. It must be as auspicious as possible.

His biological mother and stepfather, both illiterate people, only cared about the "wet meaning" and gave their child such a name, which was purely for fun.

This unlucky name will accompany the little girl throughout her life, and it seems to indicate that separation and death will run through her fragile life from beginning to end.