When we came back from the sanatorium, Xiao Xia left first because of something, so Shanshan and I went to He Xubei's house to get something.
This is the third time I have come to He Xubei’s house.
When I first came here, Aunt Shen invited me to dinner, but He Xubei called me into his room. I remember being amazed by the number of books on his bookshelf. It seemed like yesterday that He Xubei asked me to study hard, but now things have changed.
Looking at the bookshelf covered with dust, I felt sad. If its owner was here, he wouldn't let it get so dirty. I picked up the feather duster and dusted it a few times. A beige diary fell out . I picked it up and saw familiar handwriting inside. I saw my name in it. Just as I was about to continue reading, I heard Shanshan calling me.
"An An, have you found the scarf ?" Shan Shan was looking for something in another room.
I put the diary in my coat pocket and answered her, "No, I'm still looking for it."
Finally I found it on the dressing table in Aunt Shen’s room, and I took the diary with me when I went back.
When I went to bed at night, I thought of the diary and took it out from my pocket impatiently. There was a character sketch on the off-white cover, and He Xubei's name and a sentence on the title page - secret love is a love that is so low that it reaches the dust.
I was very curious why He Xubei wrote this sentence. Did he have a crush on someone? I flipped through it and read it.
——My mother said we were moving today. I saw her right after we moved. I wanted to pretend to pass by and say hello to her, but she took a bag and threw it at the people in front of her. What a bad temper! Later I found out that she was teaching a bully a lesson. But she was too arrogant. How could one person beat several people? I had to rush forward to help, and then her friends treated us to apples. When I told her that I also lived in Xingfu Community, she was surprised with an apple in her mouth. It was really funny! But I felt a little sad to see her hand injured!
——What a headache! When the test papers were handed out, her grades were so bad, and she said that she was out exorcising demons and that’s why she didn’t study well… In order to help her study, I had to make an extra copy of the notes for her and also give her the new review materials I bought. I hope she won’t fight and skip classes anymore…
——In fact, I have known for a long time that she always peeks at me, and I also know that she follows me on the way home from school. But I don’t hate it. On the contrary, I like this feeling very much.
——Hey, Yi Ping'an, you really give me a headache, but... I like you, what should I do?
——She seems to have a good relationship with the new transfer student, and they play and fight with each other every day. Why would I be unhappy when I see it?
——She was actually with the transfer student so early in the morning! I felt a little jealous. Didn't she always say that I was very good? Her foundation was not bad. In fact, I hoped that she could study hard and become very good, so that I could tell her that I liked her. But now I was afraid that she would think I was joking and I was afraid that she would reject me.
——I didn't know if she would like me, so to stimulate her, I deliberately got close to Shanshan, but she seemed a little unhappy later. Until Yangguang's incident happened... I knew her feelings, but could I still get close to her?
——I asked her if she liked me, but she denied it and said she liked the transfer student. I was so sad.
…
I closed the diary and couldn't bear to read any further.
The protagonist in the diary is actually me, Yi Ping'an!
The beautiful calligraphy records every little thing about me. It turns out that He Xubei has liked me as much as I like him. It turns out that secret love can be more than just one person's concern.
But He Xubei, why are you also like a coward? Why didn't we say anything? The story ended before we even had a chance to start.
I remembered what Jingyan said - if you like someone, you should say it out loud, just in case he happens to like you too!
But, He Xubei, how could I dare to imagine that someone as outstanding as you would really like me?
If we had been braver, would the ending be different? At least it wouldn't be such a tragedy.
Too many ifs, we missed...
I held the diary in my arms, unable to control my tears, as if I wanted to shed all the tears of my life in advance.
Yangguang, Li Ye, He Xubei, Song Jingyan...
Through tearful eyes, I seemed to see them walking towards me. They stretched out their hands and said, "Yi Ping'an, don't cry. We are still here and we are with you."
But in the blink of an eye, they were gone. From the day of my eighteenth birthday, they were destined to withdraw from my life.