Chapter 9: Oda Family Dinner 2
My voice was not loud, and by the end, it seemed as if my words melted into the mountain breeze, becoming somewhat ethereal.
But I know Hideki must have heard what I said. In fact, he only said he wanted me but never said he liked me.
That’s why I always feel that the love that Hideki has for me and the love that I have for Hideki must not be the same thing!
But now, I really want to know the answer - I want to hear Hideki tell me in person how he feels about me, since my meaning to Hideki is so different in the eyes of Shimizu-senpai or Antei Hasunuma.
Hideki once said that he didn't know why, so this time, will he explain it to me more clearly? I want to know what answer he will give me.
Hideki looked at me with a quiet and thoughtful expression that he had never had before. I didn't know what kind of answer I would get, but here where it was just Hideki and I, my only hope at the moment was to get his answer.
I might be a little afraid of the answer, but I am more afraid of being in this state forever. I want the result, so I look into Hideki's beautiful eyes seriously and without hesitation.
"I seem to have been looking for something, since I was very young, it's been like that..." Hideki finally spoke. He kept looking at me, his brows slightly furrowed, forming a small knot on his forehead.
"I always felt like I was missing something. Even in my dreams, I seemed to be constantly running to find it. At first I didn't know what it was, but later I realized it was a hole in my heart."
Hideki stretched out his hand, placed it on his left chest, and continued, "This hole is like a hungry stomach. It needs something to fill it. At first I didn't know how to do it, but later I found that it was enough to do what people wanted - the tutor wants to see well-behaved students who study hard, the mother wants a smart, cute and sensible son, the servant wants a kind and considerate master... As long as they do this, their eyes will look at me, they will pat my shoulder, touch me, and they will notice my existence..."
"That's a good thing, isn't it?"
I couldn't answer Hideki's question. I just raised my hands and tightly grasped the clothes on my chest. But it was not because there was a hole there, but because Hideki's words made my heart hurt again.
Although what Hideki said was abstract, it became easy to understand because of the background that Senior Shimizu told me before. Hideki, who was not taken seriously and could not get enough touch and attention, was troubled by loneliness and neglect for a long time. He finally figured out a way to "attract attention".
However, when implementing this method, the Hideki who gets the attention of others is not the real Hideki at all!
Such illusory feelings, thought to be real, can deceive the brain and heart, but cannot deceive the body's feelings. Because everything is not real, only when touching can you feel the other person's existence, once you stop touching, you feel lost, so you keep confirming, and eventually suffer from skin hunger, becoming a patient who is indiscriminately keen on touching human skin.
"So I have been doing this all the time... When I was in junior high school, some girls started to like me. They were probably the easiest people to please, much easier than my mother! As long as I smiled at them, complimented their looks or their clothes, nodded and shook my head appropriately when they spoke, and said a few words of agreement, they would come to me on their own."
For Hideki, who is hungry for skin, such a girl is indeed easier to get than others! However, such warmth is not real warmth, but just an illusion.
"Unconsciously, there are more and more girls around me. Even if people talk about me behind my back, I don't think there's anything wrong with it! This is what love is! After telling myself this, I don't seem to care much anymore. I like them anyway! Even though I've heard people say 'There's always someone in this world who likes you', I gradually feel that it's nothing. There are so many people in the world who like me, Oda Hideki!"
"All of this was already commonplace before I met you, but after meeting you, everything seems to be different."
Hideki raised his hand, placed it gently on my head, and gently played with my soft hair.
"Originally, it was because of a bet between Lian Numa and the old men in our family. It's okay to tell you now. You probably already know that our family background is very good! At least Lian Numa told us that if we can make students who have no ability to enter Huanghua College improve to become qualified students within a school year, we can get some benefits from the old men for us - but I'm not interested in what the benefits are. I'm interested in you in the photo."
"He looks small, but I wonder what kind of person he is?"
Hideki's hand was caressing my head warmly. For some reason, his warmth made me almost cry.
"After actually meeting you, I found that you seemed to be very timid, but after scaring you, I realized that such a small guy, in fact, also carried some heavy past... Obviously because of your mother's matter, you are afraid of the dark, but you are stubbornly supporting it alone. Obviously you will blush when you look at me, but you desperately say that you hate me, that you don't like me at all, and that you don't want to come to you again. What a strange guy! In the past, I would feel warm when I heard girls say, "Hideki has a good personality" and "Hideki is handsome", but since I met you, I can't feel it anymore."
"My heart beats so fast when I see you that I forget all about how to please girls."
"But it doesn't matter. Even if I reject those girls with anger that I never show like before, it doesn't matter. Like I said before, I just want to look at you. As long as you can see me in your eyes, it will be fine. For the first time, I know... there is such a person. As long as I have him, I don't care about the existence of others."
"It doesn't matter if my body feels cold, and I won't mind if there are no warm girls to warm me up... I didn't know what it was when I was on the boat, but now I roughly understand. This is what is called - love, right!"
"I want you, Duck..."
Hideki bent down so that his eyes were level with mine. I had never felt so close to Hideki before, not like the closeness in the past. Even in his arms I could feel the touch from a distance.
So hot, so warm, as if he had entered my heart, right now, Hideki and I were extremely close. So close that my limbs and my heart seemed to be paralyzed, becoming weak and longing for dependence.
Is that so? Hideki...Is my desire to be close to your warmth the same as what I feel now?
It is obviously the same sentence, but because of the passage of time and the deepening of understanding, it has taken on completely different meanings.
I like... Hideki... My feelings at this moment are exactly the same as Hideki's, right?
"me……"
My chest hurts, it feels sore and swollen, and my throat is so numb that I can’t utter a complete sentence, but I really want to say it... say the words “I love you”...
"Ah! In the end you still didn't tell me?" After trimming the last nail, the eldest lady blew gently on it next to her red lips, and then soaked her slender and beautiful fingers in the hot spring water.
“I, I’m stupid, I’m a complete idiot… oooo…” I huddled into a small ball in the corner of the jacuzzi, with even my chin submerged in the hot water—
How should one begin to speak? It is like the moment when one's wish is fulfilled, most people would be so excited that they would be speechless.
Hideki was the first boy I fell in love with, the first friend I made after entering high school, and in my mind, he was so far away from me that I felt we were not destined to be together and there was no chance for us to be together.
I could actually like someone like this and understand each other. This was something I never even dared to dream of. So at that time, I was so busy with my heart beating wildly that I forgot to give Hideki a response.
By the time I realized it, I had already missed the opportunity. Hideki probably looked at me for a long time without any reaction, so he stared at me and said to me: "You may still not be able to accept it! But it doesn't matter, I will prove it to you this time..."
…
"So, in that situation, even if I wanted to confess my feelings, I couldn't!" The water was so hot, I leaned out of the water and took a long breath.
"...You missed the chance!" The eldest lady commented mercilessly, and then asked me to come over and help wash my back.
"I can't find a good time to say it. Hideki said he would give me a certificate when I return to school."
"Hmm..." The eldest lady was scrubbing behind me, and after a while she said to me, "He should be talking about the night of Huanghua College!"
"Hey? Phoenix Academy Night?"
"It's a charity event to elect the King and Queen of the Night of Huanghua College, as well as princes and princesses. They will be ranked according to the number of votes, and then auctioned. The highest bidder can dance with these students for a night."
“There… there is such an event!” This is the first time I’ve heard of it. Although most schools seem to select department beauties and the like, only schools like Huanghua College can hold a charity dinner of this level!
"Since the second year of junior high school, Hideki has been the Night King of the junior high school. Although there are boys who are more handsome than him, you have seen the quality of Emperor Fengcheng! But in terms of popularity, no one can compare to him."
I nodded. To be honest, I could completely understand this situation. No matter how handsome other people were, such as someone as tasteful as Shimizu-senpai, they could not always satisfy everyone who liked them. However, Hideki in the past could do this almost perfectly.
"Then... will someone come to buy Hideki that night?" Although it was just a thing in the past, now that I no longer suppress my feelings for Hideki, I have become more curious than ever about everything related to him.
"Why, is Xiao Liu jealous?"
"No...no!" I won't admit it! "I just...just want to know..."
"You're just jealous!"
"Woo..." What sin have I committed? Why does even the eldest lady like to bully others so much?
"It's actually very pure. You may not believe it, but you know there are a lot of people who like that guy! So if anyone wants to monopolize him, it's impossible. Once such a person appears, he will become the target of public criticism. Anyway, Hideki treats everyone the same, and no one is willing to take such a risk!"
"Then...are they going to give up?"
