Chapter 5: Jinnian 1
The lines on your palm will change slowly over time.
But what about the person you love?
Are you still in love with him now?
This is my last year of high school, and the entire senior high school building is filled with a tense atmosphere. Sometimes when I stand outside the classroom, I can smell the ink smell of test papers emanating from the entire building, and time seems to pass faster.
These days, I occasionally go out to eat with Chen Qiaoluo, and I have met Lei Zi many times. His eyes make me uncomfortable just like at the beginning, and I try to keep a distance from him, but as long as Chen Qiaoluo is not around, he will come over and even touch me. I am not the kind of weak little girl, if he dares to get close to me, I will definitely make him pay for it.
But I didn't expect that Lei Zi would become more and more courageous. I don't know if he got my cell phone number from Chen Qiaoluo, but he often sent me text messages to ask me out.
Whenever I saw these text messages, I ignored them, but when I saw him again, his eyes became even more greedy.
As a result, I felt extremely disgusted with Lei Zi. Several times I wanted to tell Chen Qiaoluo about Lei Zi's attitude towards me, but when the words came to my lips, I swallowed them back.
Because I doubt whether Chen Qiaoluo would believe what I said, and I doubt whether he would fall out with Lei Zi because of me even if he believed it.
It was not until this time that I realized that I no longer believed in Chen Qiaoluo unconditionally as before. In the end, he and I became estranged, and there was even a gap that was difficult to cross.
I received a text message from Chen Qiaoluo at the end of October. I was about to go to bed, but he suddenly sent me a message asking me to meet him at the Wheatfield Bar. Although I was a little confused, I still went out.
It was almost ten o'clock when we arrived at the Wheatfield Bar. In contrast to the quiet outside, this street was still full of lights and people.
I walked in from the door. This place was different from the small bar like "Old Time Blues". It was like the Pansi Cave in "Journey to the West", with girls twisting their waists everywhere. I frowned in disgust, not understanding why Chen Qiaoluo asked me to meet in such a place.
I took out my phone and sent a text message to Chen Qiaoluo, asking him where he was. A short while later, I received a message from him asking me to go to the innermost private room. I finally made my way through the crowd and the noise in my ears gradually died down.
I walked to the door of the box and knocked, but there was no response for a long time. I thought about it and pushed the door open, but there was no one inside. Just as I was wondering what Chen Qiaoluo was doing, a man suddenly rushed out from the shadows beside the door. Before I could react, he took me in and closed the door.
Only then did I see his face clearly. It was Lei Zi.
The fear that spread from the bottom of my heart overwhelmed me in an instant. He threw me onto the sofa. It was dark except for the light from the TV wall not far away. I saw his face slowly approaching in the dimness. His expression was the most lewd I had ever seen. He said, "I asked you out so many times but you ignored me. So, you still ended up in my hands."
My back hurt from his fall, but the anxiety in my heart far outweighed the pain. At that moment, I knew the whole story. The text message was not sent by Chen Qiaoluo at all. I didn't know if he stole Chen Qiaoluo's phone or if Chen Qiaoluo knew about it. If it was the latter, then I was really blind.
I struggled to back away, but Lei Zi kept getting closer. I knew running away was useless, so I could only force myself to calm down and yell at him, "Do you know what you are doing? This is a public place!"
"Haha, so what." Lei Zi seemed to have heard a funny joke and kept approaching me. He said, "Everyone in this area knows my name, Lei Zi, and no one can control me."
After hearing what he said, despair gradually eroded my body, and my hands and feet became cold in an instant.
At this moment, I suddenly hated Chen Qiaoluo a little.
I hate that he is not by my side, and I hate that his self-degradation has put me in danger.
When Lei Zi's face was about to touch my neck, I finally couldn't help but close my eyes in despair. His breath fell on my skin again and again, and I felt my whole body numb, and the feeling of nausea gradually spread from my throat.
Just when I was about to be driven crazy by this feeling, a loud bang suddenly reached my ears. Then I felt Lei Zi being pulled away, and when I opened my eyes, I saw Chen Qiaoluo appear in front of me with an angry face.
The feeling of surviving a disaster made me cry.
There was still noisy music outside. In my blurred vision, Chen Qiaoluo punched Lei Zi in the face, then he pulled me up from the sofa and walked out. At this moment, I seemed to be unable to do anything except cry.
I don’t know how long it took me to walk from the box to the street, but it wasn’t until I saw the neon lights outside that I felt truly fortunate.
Before I could fully recover, Chen Qiaoluo suddenly hugged me in his arms, and then he spoke with a sad and apologetic voice. He said, "Yunhao, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."
Apologies rang in my ears again and again, and I reached out and hugged him back.
I think I was wrong. I shouldn't have doubted Chen Qiaoluo before. He is obviously my friend, isn't he? Isn't he the one I should trust the most?
In an instant, I felt guilty and couldn't help crying again.
Seeing me crying again, Chen Qiaoluo panicked for a moment. He let me go, looked at me nervously and asked, "What's wrong, Yun? Are you hurt somewhere?"
I sobbed and punched his chest hard with my fist, saying, "Chen Qiaoluo, you bastard, if it weren't for you, how could I have come here? If it weren't for you, how could I have been taken advantage of by that pervert?"
After hearing what I said, Chen Qiaoluo silently endured my punch. After a while, he said guiltily, "I'm sorry, Yunhao, this is all my fault. It's my fault. I shouldn't have let him take advantage of me."
"Yes, it's all your fault. It's all your fault." I stopped beating his fist and cried, "Chen Qiaoluo, do you know how scared I was just now? I even thought that if he succeeded, I would just die."
My words made Chen Qiaoluo silent.
Looking at the boy standing in front of me who was almost a head taller than me, I suddenly felt sad. I closed my eyes, and after a while I opened them and said, "Chen Qiaoluo, I actually suspected you just now. I suspected that you deliberately helped that pervert to trick me out."
In fact, I didn't have to say these things to Chen Qiaoluo, but I couldn't get over the hurdle in my heart. During this period of time, there were too many problems between Chen Qiaoluo and me, and now I want to make them all clear at once.
Hearing what I said, Chen Qiaoluo's eyes gradually showed an expression of disbelief. I don't know how long it took, until the wind blew across my cheek, and I heard his lost voice. He said: "Hello Zhu Yun, it turns out that in your heart, I, Chen Qiaoluo, am such a person."
In addition to loss, there was also a subtle disappointment in his voice.
I bit my lower lip and looked at him without any avoidance.
"Since what happened last time, I always feel that the relationship between us has changed. We used to be so close, but now we are so distant and cold." I said slowly, "I always think of the time you lied to me. It's like a thorn in my heart, which hurts me from time to time to prove its existence. I want to believe you, and I always tell myself to believe you, but I can't. Take what happened just now, for example, I even hated you for a moment."
I knew that my words were like a sharp blade that could pierce straight into the most vulnerable part of Chen Qiaoluo's heart. Sure enough, his expression gradually became sad.
He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and said to me: "Zhu Jun, I admit that I was wrong to lie to you, but everyone has some secrets that they don't want others to know. I have, and you will have too. I didn't tell you just to preserve my last dignity. You said that you suspected that Lei Zi and I had cheated you just now, and you said that you hated me for a moment, but, Zhu Jun, I, Chen Qiaoluo, dare to swear to heaven that I have never done anything bad to you."
When I heard him say that, I felt a pang of pain in my heart.
Just when I didn't know how to answer, Chen Qiaoluo spoke again. He said, "Hello Zhu Yun, do you remember when we first met? At that time, you were standing on the rostrum like me, and there were thousands of students from the whole school below. At that time, there were only two of us on the stage. I looked at you and thought that girls nowadays are really bold. I couldn't help but pay more attention to you. And just as I was staring at you, you suddenly turned around and smiled at me. I think you may have forgotten this little thing, but at that time I thought you looked so beautiful when you smiled, just like the red peony I saw when I was a child. After that, it seemed that we hit it off and suddenly became good friends. Every time I see you laughing, I always think, this girl laughs so beautifully."
Recalling the past, Chen Qiaoluo's lips gradually curled up into a smile. He looked at me deeply and continued, "Although I always smile at you, I know clearly in my heart that you and I are not from the same world. My family, the responsibilities I shoulder, all of these make me dare not have any thoughts about you. But fate loves to play tricks on people. I told myself a thousand times and ten thousand times that you can only be a friend, but my heart is still out of my control. It beats faster and faster again and again, and I don't know how many times it's because of you. Hello Zhu Jun, I..."
"Stop talking." I quickly interrupted Chen Qiaoluo and said something else, "It's late. I should go back. Otherwise, my dad will be worried if he doesn't see me later."
Chen Qiaoluo, who was standing opposite me, was silent for a while before he said, "Okay, I'll take you there."
"No, that's not necessary." I reached out to stop a speeding taxi and said, "I can do it myself. But you should go back early to accompany Aunt He Pei. She is the closest person to you in the world, so don't let her worry anymore."
After saying that, without paying any attention to Chen Qiaoluo's reaction, I opened the car door and got in. Soon, the driver started the car. The car drove about a hundred meters before I turned around and looked back.
Chen Qiaoluo was still standing there, surrounded by dim lights and accompanied by his shadow, feeling indescribably lonely.
My heart suddenly ached and I forced myself to turn around and stop looking at him.
Even when I lay in my bed, I still felt that everything that happened before was a dream. I had never received a text message from Chen Qiaoluo's phone number, nor had I been to the Wheatfield Bar, nor had I met Lei Zi. I lied to myself that all this was a dream, but I could never forget how sad and fragile Chen Qiaoluo's eyes were under the light.
Even though I interrupted him, I still knew what Chen Qiaoluo was going to say. The kiss on the football field that day suddenly came to my mind. Perhaps I should have known that Chen Qiaoluo's feelings for me were just something I didn't want to face. I liked Guyu, and Chen Qiaoluo was always just a friend.
I was afraid that once I said something, we would never be able to go back to the past. But now, it is the same now. Chen Qiaoluo and I can never go back to the past. I smiled bitterly in my heart, and bitterness spread in my heart.
I don't know what the relationship between Chen Qiaoluo and Lei Zi is like now. Ever since what happened that night, I have been avoiding Chen Qiaoluo intentionally or unintentionally.
Chen Qiaoluo seemed to know that I was avoiding him and didn't contact me actively. Even when we met by chance in the school corridor, he just looked like he wanted to say something but didn't really stop me.
Gigi Lai asked me what happened between me and Chen Qiaoluo, and even she could see that something was wrong between us.
But I just shook my head and didn't answer. The matter between Chen Qiaoluo and I was not suitable for anyone else to know except between us.
The two of us were like strangers, but we were the most familiar strangers.
In November, the school held a sports meet, a month after the last incident.
In this month, Chen Qiaoluo and I haven't contacted each other. It's as if we had agreed not to disturb each other's lives.
Only occasionally, I still dream about him. In that dream, there are large patches of fog, and Chen Qiaoluo is standing not far from me with his back to me. His back looks lonely and desolate. He keeps walking forward, and no matter how I call him, he doesn't turn back.
I was awakened by this dream at three in the morning, breaking out in a cold sweat.
I think maybe one day I will completely lose Chen Qiaoluo, and now I am slowly losing him.
I came back to my senses from my memories and saw Gigi Lai walking towards me with two bottles of water. I was sitting on the stands of the playground, and people kept passing by below, preparing for today's game.
