Chapter 45: Reflection
I took a deep puff of my cigarette and nodded, "Okay! What do you want to talk to me about?"
Li Mingfan pointed at the lawn and said, "Would you like to take a walk? It's still too noisy here." I actually understood what he wanted to talk to me about. What I didn't understand was why he was willing to be manipulated by a very vulgar woman like Gong Jinhong when he clearly liked Hua Jingjing. Was he coerced like me?
He and I walked slowly on the lawn. Li Mingfan took out a cigarette, lit it up, took a deep puff, and exhaled forcefully. Then he said, "I'm really jealous of you! You have such a lovely fiancée. I've been in love with her since I was fifteen, but I've never been favored by her. This world is really unfair!"
I said, "This world is indeed very unfair, but when it comes to relationships between men and women, there is no such thing as fairness or unfairness. Love is love, and not love is not love. No one can force it. You can't ask the person you love to love you as much as you love her, and you can't give the person who loves you the same love. This is life!"
Li Mingfan was silent, smoking heavily, and walked a long way before he said, "I came to you just to ask you, do you love her?"
I really couldn't answer this question. If I said I loved her, that would be deceiving, and I couldn't say it. If I said I didn't love her, it didn't fit my current identity, which really made me feel awkward. I could only ask, "Are you qualified to ask me this?"
"Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to steal her from you. I just want her to be happy. It seems like she really loves you. I just want to know that you love her too, so I can feel at ease."
I threw away the cigarette butt and said, "If you love her so much, why don't you continue to pursue her? Instead, you are with a woman you don't love?"
Li Mingfan's eyes dimmed and he said, "This is what I mean when I say the world is unfair! I'm very poor. Jingjing said I couldn't give her happiness and she wouldn't fall in love with me. So for a while I worked very hard to make money, just to be worthy of her one day. As a result, I lost all my property and borrowed money in the stock market. I was unlucky. Even drinking cold water would get stuck in my teeth. Creditors came to collect debts every day. And my mother was diagnosed with cancer at that time and urgently needed a large sum of money for treatment. At that time, I was really desperate. In order to raise money, I even wanted to rob people on the road."
I stopped and looked at him with sympathy. I suddenly understood why he was with a woman he didn't love. He was in the same situation as me, but he was more unfortunate. At least after tonight I would be a free man and no longer have to look at a woman's face. But he seemed to never be able to hold his head up again.
Sure enough, Li Mingfan continued: "Later, Gong Jinhong found me and said that she was willing to help me pay off my debts and medical expenses, on the condition that I be her... a toy dog. I had no choice!" At this point, he sighed deeply and took another deep puff of his cigarette.
I said, "Are you just going to accept your fate?"
"What else can I do if I don't accept my fate? I have no hope in this life. I can only play the guitar, and I don't have any other skills. How can I pay back the money?"
I looked at him and felt that this depressed man did not deserve my sympathy. It was not his fault that he encountered natural disasters and man-made disasters, but if he just let fate take his course without any struggle, he was not a real man! No wonder Hua Jingjing didn't like him.
I was about to say something to him when I heard the phone in Li Mingfan's pocket ring. He immediately took it out and answered: "Hello! Yes! Okay! I'll be right over!"
He closed his phone, looked at me helplessly, and said, "That woman is calling me. Can you answer the question I asked you just now? I have no other wishes in this life. I just want Jingjing to have a good home and be happy. Can you tell me clearly, do you love her? Can you make her happy?"
I said seriously, "Happiness is something you have to fight for yourself, not something given by others. Whether Hua Jingjing can be happy depends on her own efforts. I really can't answer you that."
Li Mingfan looked disappointed and said, "Really?... So that's how it is." He seemed very surprised, and was stunned for a moment, then sighed softly and turned away.
I looked at his desolate back, and somehow I felt very sad for him. A man who has fallen to the point of having to rely on a woman to survive, being at the mercy of a woman, being a woman's plaything, not fighting for the one he loves but begging others to give her happiness, has become no different from a waste!
I suddenly remembered Xu Shu's attitude towards me just now, which was actually very similar to the way I looked at Li Mingfan! Although those were not my original intentions, how could a person who had accomplished nothing be qualified to beg for respect from others?
I thought about how I had been living a lazy life in the company for the past few years, thinking that I was not appreciated for my talent and was cynical all day long. Later , I was able to change my job with the help of a woman, and I was already satisfied and happy. Now that I see Li Mingfan, I understand that I am not much better than him. In the eyes of people with money, status and achievements, he and I are both trash, garbage that is not worth mentioning.
I am ashamed!
Tang Qian! What have you been doing for all these years? No wonder Xu Shu looks down on you, no wonder Hua Jingjing always wants to bully you! Self-esteem and aloofness are useless! You don't have strength and status, why would others respect you? This world is so cruel. If you don't work hard, you won't really be taken seriously by others. Xu Shu's attitude just now was not wrong. I am indeed still relying on the Hua family to live, and I live a very cowardly life. I was forced by Hua Jingjing to be a secretary and I had no way to deal with it.
I lit another cigarette. The stimulation Xu Shu had just given me made me reflect deeply on my attitude towards life over the years.
I am a contradictory person. I have always been content with my current situation, but I cannot tolerate others' contempt. I think I am noble and talented, but I cannot work hard to make a difference for myself. What is the difference between me and Li Mingfan? We are both looked down upon. It's ridiculous that I was looking down on him just now. What qualifications do I have?
I smoked a cigarette, stood on the empty lawn, and thought for a long time. I quickly finished the small pack of cigarettes. That night I decided that in order to prevent others from looking down on me again, and to prevent myself from living without hope, I must work hard, I must start my own business, I must succeed! I must have a position! I want everyone to respect me and not dare to insult me!
Maybe no matter how hard I try, I won't be able to surpass Xu Shu's current status, but at least I can prevent her from thinking that I am a person who can only live by deceiving women.
I threw away the butt of my last cigarette! I let out a long sigh. After tonight, no! Tonight I immediately resigned from my job to Hua Jingjing. I want to build a career based on my own abilities. Although it may be very difficult and I may encounter countless failures, how can I know if it will work if I don't do it?
I turned around and strode towards the villa, ready to tell Hua Jingjing that I was leaving.
When I was almost at the gate, I saw Xu Shu's bodyguard named Wang Bingzhang walking towards me. He stood in front of me seriously and said, "Mr. Tang?"
I asked, "What's the matter?"
"Miss Xu wants to see you, can you come with me?"
I sneered in my heart. She wanted to see me? Wasn't it to warn me not to bother Hua Jingjing anymore? That's fine! I just wanted to let her know that although I, Tang Qian, am a pauper, I am not the bad guy who only knows how to cheat women as she thinks.
So I said, "Okay, where is she?"
Wang Bingzhang stared at me with his eagle-like eyes. He probably racked his brains but couldn't understand why Xu Shu, a rude boy whom he just met, suddenly wanted to meet me.
But he had the qualities of a soldier, and obeying orders was his habit. He frowned and said, "Please follow me!"
I followed him through a small door in the villa, up a staircase to the third floor, through a long carpeted corridor, and came to a door.
Wang Bingzhang called through the door: "Miss Xu! Mr. Tang is here!"
Xu Shu's voice came from inside: "Let him in!"
Wang Bingzhang gently pushed the door open and gestured to me to come in.
My heart was as calm as water and I walked in with a smile.
This is a large study room, decorated in pure European style. There are tall bookshelves on all four sides, filled with tens of thousands of books of various kinds. There is a movable ladder parked in front of the bookshelf on the west side. In the middle of the study room, there is a huge desk made of mahogany, which is very exquisite. Xu Shu, who is so beautiful that it is impossible to look at her directly, is sitting on the chair behind the desk.
When Xu Shu saw me coming in, he stood up, waved to Wang Bingzhang to close the door, and then said to me with a smile: "Please sit down, Mr. Tang!"
