On the way back, Yu Xia’s words today kept echoing in my mind.
What is the Yu Xia I know like?
He is a boy who can bring me coolness in summer and warmth in winter. No extra words are needed. Just standing there and a faint smile is enough to make me feel a hundred times more energetic.
At this time, he was standing with his back to me, less than two meters away from me. Looking at his back, I suddenly felt sad.
The grievances accumulated throughout the day seemed to be ready to be vented at any time.
Mom looked at me and went upstairs without saying a word.
After I parked my bike, I walked up to him and called his name softly: "Yu Xia."
He looked up at me, the afterglow of the setting sun enveloped his body, interweaving with the light and shadow of the trees, creating a colorful scene.
"Happy birthday, this is for you." He stuffed a beautifully packaged cake box and a sunflower into my hands.
It was just a casual remark in the morning, but he actually bought it. I felt mixed emotions and couldn't tell whether I was happy or sad, or maybe a mixture of both.
The good thing is that he remembered every word I said.
The sad thing is, this is a cake that can be bought anywhere after all.
Maybe I'm too picky, he has done a lot as a friend.
"Thanks."
After these two simple words, we were silent for a long time.
The temperature dropped as the sunlight disappeared, and I couldn't help but pull my coat closer.
Seeing me like this, he took off his coat and put it on me, leaving himself in only a thin sweatshirt, and his lips gradually turned purple.
Perhaps it was the age of eighteen that gave me the courage. I suddenly wanted to tell him my love as boldly as Yan Anyan.
After I had this thought, I lowered my head, not daring to look up at Yu Xia. I could only hear my heart beating violently. The words "I like you" were stuck in my chest, and I couldn't say .
The silence extended infinitely in the world where Yu Xia and I stood opposite each other, and time disappeared silently.
When Yu Xia raised her hand to touch my hair, I was startled and almost threw away the thing in my hand.
He was also startled by me, and his hand immediately retracted after it touched my hair. This time, besides being silent, he was also extremely embarrassed.
"I...I was distracted just now." I said in a low voice.
"You!" He smiled helplessly, "Do you have something to tell me?"
"Ah?" My secret was exposed. I raised my head in panic. What I saw was still a gentle and smiling face. I could feel my face burning. I couldn't utter a complete sentence for a while, "No... No... Nor is it..."
"Hmm?" I lowered my head again, frowning and struggling over whether to express my love.
Eighteen years old! Yes! At eighteen years old, I should have the courage to speak out.
But what if I get rejected? Can we still get along like good friends? But what if he likes me too? How should we get along?
My mind is a mess and I can't make sense of it.
When I looked up again, Yu Xia was staring at me blankly. After I waved my hand in front of him a few times, he came to his senses, coughed a few times, laughed dryly and said, "I was distracted too."
"Pfft——" a laugh resolved all the awkwardness between us. I looked up at his eyes, his eyes were like the brightest stars in the night.
People always become sentimental and fragile at some point in time. The moment I met Yu Xia's eyes, I also softened.
Without any unnecessary words, I said simply and clearly: "Yu Xia, I like you." After saying that, I was scared myself. I didn't dare to look Yu Xia in the eye. I just lowered my head awkwardly and waited for Yu Xia's response.
But after waiting for a long time, I didn't receive any response from Yu Xia. Just when I couldn't suppress my inner tension and looked up at Yu Xia, Uncle Yu shouted at the entrance of the corridor: "Yu Xia, it's time to eat."
Before I could see the expression on his face, Yu Xia turned around and left quickly, leaving behind only a meaningless goodbye.
This sudden change made me not know how to react for a moment. I just stared at Yu Xia's back and let him leave.
I actually confessed my feelings? I actually told Yu Xia that I liked her.
But what was Yu Xia thinking?
Just now, after I expressed my love for Yu Xia, his long silence made my heart go from being overwhelmed with nervousness to anticipation, and then sinking a little bit again...
"Su Bei, it's time to eat."
My mother was standing on the balcony on the third floor calling me. I came to my senses and went home too.
My secret crush on Yu Xia started when I was eight years old, and it became an open love when I was eighteen. I thought we would continue like this as good friends, and maybe one day he would confess his love to me, but I would definitely not be the first one to say it. I was so sure all along, but I didn't expect that it would turn out differently this evening.
What would I do if Yu Xia agreed to me immediately?
What would I do if Yu Xia rejected me immediately?
After returning home, my mother took one look at the cake and sunflowers in my hands and simply asked, "Do you want to eat cake tonight?"
I nodded.
We put number candles on the cake and when I made a wish, I hoped that my mother would be healthy, that Yu Xia would like me as much as I liked him, that Sheng Yinuo would meet a good girl, and that Lin Momo, Xu Shihan and I would always be good friends.
After cutting the cake, my mother asked me, "Why did Yu Xia only give you one sunflower?"
"I don't know, maybe it was given to me by the shop assistant when I bought the cake!" If my mother hadn't asked me, I really wouldn't have realized it, so I didn't think too much about it.
"Then I'll plug it up for you!"
"Okay." I brought the vase with sunflowers into the room and placed it on the bedside.
That night, I tossed and turned in my bed, playing out countless ways that Yu Xia would respond to me in my mind, alternating between tears and laughter. It was not until the first ray of sunlight at dawn shone through the curtains onto the bed that I realized I had not slept all night.
The dark circles under my eyes and the dizzy head told me that it was wrong to stay up all night , but when I thought that I would see Yu Xia soon, I instantly became energetic and even took a few bites of breakfast before rushing downstairs.
I looked at my phone and saw that I had left home nearly half an hour earlier than the time for us to go to school together.
I sat on the steps and watched the grandparents doing morning exercises with their Tai Chi swords and flower fans. Everyone had a smile on their face. I shamelessly wondered if Yu Xia and I would get up together every day and go to the square for morning exercises when we were old. Occasionally, we would hold hands like we did when we were young. Would we feel shy then?
"Is my little Su Bei thinking about me? Otherwise, why is he smiling so brightly?"
Before I knew it, half an hour had passed and Sheng Yinuo's big face appeared in front of me on time.
I raised my head and looked in the direction behind him, but I didn't see Yu Xia even after looking several times without giving up.
"Where's Yu Xia?"
"Him? He said last night that he would not go with us today and told us not to wait for him."
Snap. It was as if something in my heart had snapped, and I was unable to react for a moment.
I was in a daze all the way to school. Fortunately, Sheng Yinuo was always by my side to remind me and take care of me, otherwise I would have been hit by a car.
The first thing I did when I arrived at school was to find Yu Xia and ask him what he was thinking. However, he didn't sit down until the class started and the teacher came in. He was even criticized by the teacher. Fortunately, he has always been a good student, so he didn't leave a bad impression on the teacher or lose points because of his lateness.
After class, I immediately stood in front of Yu Xia and asked directly: "Yu Xia, are you avoiding me?"
"No, I submitted an application to join the Student Union. I had an appointment to talk with the president in the morning, so I arrived at school early." He was still the same as he usually was, with a faint smile and no flaws to be found.
But I just knew something was wrong, he was hiding something from me.
"Yu Xia, last night I..."
"Yinuo." He suddenly raised his hand and called Sheng Yinuo, "I just joined the student union and have a lot of things to do. I will be back very late recently. I will trouble you to be Su Bei's flower protector during this period."
"Of course no problem." Sheng Yinuo replied with a smile, "I have been annoyed with you as a light bulb for a long time. I can finally be alone with my dear Su Bei."
I frowned, my heart was in turmoil, but I pretended to be calm: "Yu Xia, I want to talk to you."
"Let's talk about it when I get back. This is the only class I have in the morning, and I have an appointment with the president."
"Yu Xia!"
As I shouted, he turned his back to me, waved his hand, and left the classroom. I don't know why, but I saw some embarrassment and haste in his back as he left.
What made me feel even more strange was that his waving at me was just a common gesture, but I had a feeling that he was about to leave my world.
Looking at Yu Xia's leaving back, my heart ached inexplicably.
I don't know when Xu Shihan stood beside me. When I came to my senses, I saw her gentle smile. She asked me, "What happened?"
I shook my head, not because I didn't want to say it, but because I didn't know where to start.
Later, I kept thinking whether I was right or wrong to confess my feelings to Yu Xia that night. Thinking about it later, I would fall into an endless vortex, and the darkness would drown me like a surging tide, choking me so that I couldn't breathe.
In the darkness, there seemed to be a vague light and shadow, always standing in a place that seemed within reach, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't catch him. It was like chasing in a dream, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't catch up with the person I wanted.
If I were given the chance to do it again, would I still confess?
I think not.
I cannot tolerate an indifferent and distant Yu Xia in my world. I would rather we remain friends for ten or twenty years. Even if I can only watch him fall in love and get married, I don’t want to drift away from him like this.
Later, when I told Lin Momo and Xu Shihan everything, Lin Momo laughed at me and said, "Su Bei, no relationship can last forever. If you and Yu Xia hadn't become lovers, you would have gone your separate ways one day. Even if you are still in the same city, he should keep a certain distance from you after he has a partner. No woman wants her lover to have a childhood sweetheart like you."
I admire Xu Shihan. Although she is timid and quiet, she can always see things so clearly.
If this really happens, what should I do?
She said: "Maybe one day you will find that your love for Yu Xia is just a kind of dependence in your youth. Then suddenly one day, you will find that this is not love."
I deny this. I love Yu Xia. It is not a dependence from youth, nor a habit of childhood sweethearts.
All day long, I tried to talk to Yu Xia and make things clear, but he always avoided the subject and pulled Sheng Yinuo in front of me again and again, creating opportunities for us to be together.
After school, because the basketball team had training, Sheng Yinuo couldn't go with me, so I had time to find Yu Xia to find out everything.
In the student union office, the students who stayed behind told me that Yu Xia was called away by Yan Anyan. When she left, their eyes seemed to say, look, this pathetic secret admirer.
I was like a headless fly, frantically searching for Yu Xia on campus. I wanted to ask him if he had ever liked me. I wanted to know why he treated me like this after I confessed my love for him.
at last……
I found him, or rather their traces, at the famous Lovers' Corner.
For some people, even a silhouette is enough for you to recognize them, let alone a clear profile.
I stared blankly at two people hugging each other not far away. One was Yu Xia, to whom I had just confessed my love last night, and the other was Yan Anyan, who had always regarded me as his love rival.
They clung to each other, just like any other couple here.
I began to laugh at my own naivety and ridiculousness. Is there any feeling in this world that will definitely get a positive answer if you confess your feelings?
Yu Xia’s estrangement was clearly a rejection, but I naively thought that he must have his own unspeakable reasons.
I said to myself, Su Bei, you are so ridiculous.
My tears dried up before they could flow. I could feel the pain from my cracked eyeballs, but I couldn't shed tears.
"Thank you for your belated birthday gift." Yan Anyan said after leaving each other's arms.
Yu Xia didn't say anything.
I was standing so close to them that I could hear their conversation, but they didn't notice my presence.
From the time I came to the time I left, I never discovered it.
I rode my bike home frantically. When I got home, I locked myself in the room and wandered back and forth like a wandering ghost, unable to find a way out.
The sunflower on the bedside table was a little droopy, I don't know if it was due to water or light. With a complaint to Yu Xia in my heart, I angrily threw it into the trash can, and in order to prevent myself from regretting it, I picked up the trash and threw it downstairs.
In my eyes, it was just a flower given away with the cake, and it just happened to be a sunflower. It could also be a rose, a lily, or baby's breath...
I have always loved studying the language of flowers, but I have overlooked the language of sunflowers - unexpressible love.