My name is Xu Minyou, and nineteen years have passed since I started my life. I don't want to remember all my childhood memories, and my whole world is only darkness.
My darkness.
I locked myself in a small attic. I didn't want to care about the world outside the attic. I didn't want to listen to my grandpa and others talking to me. They all said that I was sick and had a disease called autism.
But I don’t think so. The world I see is not what they can see. Their world must be different from mine.
In my world, there are only black and white. I don't want to see other colors, so in my world, there is only pure black and white. I think this kind of world is very good. My world only needs these two colors and this small attic. Here I feel quiet, the quietest I have ever felt.
Until that day, a colorful butterfly floated into the black and white world that had existed for many years.
Close your eyes and imagine how you feel when you see color for the first time after living in the black and white world for a long time.
The color was not dazzling, but a light, almost transparent blue. I remembered the sky I saw when I was young, which was the same color. I couldn't help but look away. I was lost in thought for a long time. When I came to my senses I realized that it was not a butterfly, but a girl.
She was wearing a light blue dress, and looked several years younger than me. She had two ponytails behind her ears. She was so inconspicuous that she would be quickly drowned out in the crowd. Was it because of this that I could see her in light blue? Was it because she was so inconspicuous, so transparent, that I could see her?
I didn't think about this question . I lay by the attic window and quietly peeked at her through the gap in the drawn curtains.
This seemed to be my only adventure, like a leaf gently falling on the calm water. In my quiet world, there seemed to be a few more ripples because of her intrusion.
She seemed to have just moved here, and she would go to the rooftop every day, where there were many flowers planted. To me, those flowers had no color. But the amazing thing was that as long as her hand touched the petals, I could see the original color of the flower.
Red, yellow, purple, these colors that have disappeared from my world, appear in my eyes again.
I began to look forward to her coming, and fortunately she seemed to like this rooftop very much, and would often bring her dolls up to play. Gradually, I spent most of my energy observing her.
She has a pair of beautiful eyes, with a pair of dark pupils hidden under long and curly eyelashes. She sometimes talks to herself to her doll. At first, I couldn't hear what she said because I refused to hear the outside world.
Until that day, she was talking to the little bear and she started crying while talking.
She looked really ugly when she cried, but... that ugly look made me feel depressed. I wanted to hear what she was saying clearly, I wanted to know what made her so sad, such a shadow-like girl, she would also be so sad that she would hide and cry alone.
It must be lonely to hide away and cry alone.
"Song Yan."
When I first heard her voice, she said these two words.
So in the following days, I heard this name more and more often, and from her mutterings, I knew who this Song Yan was.
He was her classmate, good at sports, and he was as shining as the sun, making her unable to take her eyes off him.
Is the sun something that makes people unable to take their eyes away, and who are unwilling to look at it even if it burns themselves?
Then I think this girl is also my sun.
Some of the colors I saw through her would burn my eyes, but I was like an addict and couldn't bear to take my eyes off her.
Song Yan is her sun, but she is my sun.
Days like this passed by quickly, until one day, for some unknown reason, she didn't show up. I started to feel anxious. I hadn't felt this way for a long time. I even felt a little nervous and scared.
These unfamiliar emotions made me feel uneasy, and I subconsciously wanted to escape from such feelings, so I pulled the curtains tighter, as if if I didn't look at the rooftop, I wouldn't look forward to her arrival.
On the third day after she disappeared, I heard the familiar footsteps again. I didn't need to listen carefully to know she was coming, because she was the only voice I could hear, just like she was the only color I could see.
I endured for a long time not to move the curtains, she talked for a long time outside, and I did not open the curtains to see her. But not looking at her does not mean that I can escape from her, her voice is getting clearer and clearer in my ears, whether I want to hear it or not, I can hear it.
I plugged my ears with cotton balls, but that was pointless.
Fortunately, she came less and less often. I knew that she was now in her third year of high school and would take the college entrance examination soon. She wanted to be admitted to the university located in the capital of magnolias, because the Song Yan, whom she had always carefully and secretly loved, wanted to go to that university.
The last time she came here, she came without warning and disappeared without warning. She lay on the rooftop and shouted to the sky: "Song Yan! I love you!"
And then there was no more movement. I couldn't help but pull down the curtains, but I only saw her disappearing back. She flew away from my sight like a colorful butterfly just like when she came. I just watched her quietly until the color completely disappeared from my pupils.
My world is still only in black and white, like an old silent movie.
She never showed up again, she just disappeared. I knew she went to college, where the person she loved was also there. She chased her sun and went to a city full of magnolias.
But my sun is gone.
At first I tried to make myself accept this, but every day that followed, I was trapped in crazy longing. I wanted to see her, I wanted to see what color the sky was, I wanted to see how beautiful the flowers were, and I also wanted to see the light blue tone that belonged to her.
I knew she would never come back here. When I thought about never seeing her again, my heart fell into panic. The originally desolate world suddenly became chaotic.
The thought of going to find her was like a jar of fine wine, becoming purer and purer as it brewed in my heart.
I still remember that day when I slipped the note saying "I want to go outside" out the door, and how happy my grandfather looked when he came to see me.
In my eyes, my grandfather, who looked like an old black and white photo, was smiling with wrinkles on his face. I couldn't hear what he said, and I didn't talk to him. I just wrote on the whiteboard, "I want to go to that city. I want to see how beautiful the magnolias can be with colors."
When my grandfather saw that I wanted to see the outside world, he almost cried for joy. He quickly had everything prepared in that city and even donated a student place for me in college, so I didn't have to worry about life there at all.
He tolerates all my requests and has always taken good care of me, but he just can't understand my world.
But he only has me. After that incident that year, he has no relatives except me. His huge fortune needs an heir, and his empty and sad heart needs a living me to comfort him.
So when he knew I wanted to come out of the attic and go out into the outside world, he was so happy that his hands were shaking, and he hugged me like a piece of wood and cried loudly.
He doesn't know that, to me, it doesn't matter what the outside world is like. I'm going out from here not to embrace the whole world, I'm just going to chase my sun. I want to stay by her side, and I also want to see the world under the touch of her fingertips, the colorful world.
I don't know how much money my grandfather donated to the school. The school let me live in an apartment building. They asked me to choose a major. At that moment, I chose German. Because a picture suddenly appeared in my mind.
It was an evening with sunset clouds all over the sky. She sat on a rattan chair on the rooftop and sighed softly: "I like German very much, but... I want to stay with him more."
"What should I do?" She looked distressed. "Should I give up learning German?"
Because she likes German, I wanted to see what she likes.
The window of the apartment I lived in could see the big playground. During the freshmen's military training, I saw her in camouflage uniform in the crowd. After so many days, I was overwhelmed with joy when I saw her again.
It turns out that just a sneak peek at her like this is enough to put me in a better mood.
I seemed to gradually understand her feelings - the feeling of secretly standing in the corner, just hoping to get a glimpse of that person, because I am so similar to her in the past.
Are all the stars that don't shine absorbing the light of other stars so greedily?
I think I will always curl up in the corner and watch her quietly, just as she is quietly watching her sun.
I finally saw her sun. It was just like what she said, a boy who could shine. Unfortunately, in my eyes, like thousands of others, that boy was also black and white and silent. My world seemed to refuse entry to others. The only one who was not refused in time was this almost invisible light blue girl. Because she was inconspicuous enough, safe enough, and there was no possibility of her hurting me, I was able to see her. Thinking of this, I seemed to feel better.
Does this mean that I am the only person in this world who can notice that she is like the sun?
There is only me, the one and only me.
I was content with this state and continued to watch her quietly behind the window.
Until one day, she suddenly disappeared from my sight. I ran out without hesitation, and then I saw her being pushed by a girl. The girl behind her ran up and couldn't stop, and pushed her to the ground.
At that moment, I clearly felt that my heart was hit by something, with a hint of pain.
I ran over desperately.
Song Yan came very quickly, and it seemed that he wanted to help her up, but I don't know why, I just didn't want him to touch my sun. I slapped his hand away and helped her up. She looked at me with such a strange look.
It was at this moment that I realized that to her, I was just a stranger. She didn't know me and had never seen me. She would never have imagined that I had been watching her in the dark for so many years.
I pulled her away and Song Yan caught up with us. He seemed to be saying something to me, but I couldn't hear it. I could only hear what she said to Song Yan.
I think she must think I'm weird for not saying a word. She doesn't know that except her voice, no one else can break into my world.
I took her to the infirmary and cleaned her wounds without saying anything for fear of scaring her away.
Well, actually I was waiting for her to speak. I was waiting for her to ask me, even if it was just to ask who I was.
Finally, she asked me softly, "Can you tell me, what is your name?"
She asked so carefully, as if she was exploring something, so I told her my name: "Xu Minyou."
"Xu Minyou." I heard my name coming out of her mouth, softly, as if with enough warmth, she said, "What a nice name."
I think this is the moment I started to fall in love with this name.
Doctor Jiang hadn't come back yet, so I cleaned her wound, applied medicine, and wrapped it with gauze. I couldn't tell if she had broken any bones, so I asked her, "Do you want me to take you to the hospital?"
She seemed to be very afraid of the hospital and quickly shook her head and said, "No, I should be fine. I just fell down. It's not that serious."
I didn't insist. I pulled a chair and sat beside her. The white curtains were blown by the wind. She turned her head and looked out the window. She must be missing Song Yan. She didn't speak. There was only silence in the infirmary. I couldn't tell whether I was disappointed or happy. Didn't she care at all? Why did I show up? Why didn't she allow Song Yan to touch her? Why did she bring her to the infirmary?
After a while, she finally withdrew her gaze from the window, looked at me, and asked, "Are you a student here too? You're not wearing camouflage uniforms, are you a senior?"
"Yes, senior." I thought, I am one year older than her, so I should be considered her senior.
She nodded and said a little embarrassedly: "I'm sorry for bothering you just now."
I wanted to smile at her and tell her not to worry about it, but I hadn't smiled for many years and had forgotten how to smile, so I could only say to her expressionlessly, "It's okay."
She was about to say something to me, but suddenly looked behind me. I could clearly see her eyes sparkling like stars that lit up in an instant.
She looked behind me and raised the corner of her mouth slightly: "I'm fine. I don't know where Doctor Jiang went. But Xu Minyou has already treated me just now. I should be fine. I just need to wait for Doctor Jiang to come back and check."
I looked back and saw that it was indeed Song Yan, striding towards me.
All my impressions of Song Yan come from her soliloquy. Before I met Song Yan, I had sketched out a picture of a young boy in my mind through her fragmented description. Now that I have met the real Song Yan, I find that her description is indeed very appropriate, because the Song Yan in my mind is not much different from the real Song Yan.
In her eyes, Song Yan is always full of energy and always in high spirits. All his friends are such people. It’s just a pity that such a person who walks towards the sun cannot see her in his sight.
Song Yan's lips moved, as if he was saying something to her, but I couldn't hear what he said, and his voice couldn't reach my ears.
"No need to look for him. Doctor Jiang should be back soon. It's really not serious," she said.
Maybe Song Yan wanted to ask Dr. Jiang to come back for a checkup, but she never wanted to cause trouble for anyone, so she would definitely refuse. I was surprised at how well I knew her, as if I could predict what she would say and do.
Song Yan only stayed for a while and then walked away. Before he left, he came close to her and checked her wound. The moment he touched her, I saw that Song Yan's whole body seemed to be suddenly painted. Compared with the black and white Song Yan, this Song Yan looked more energetic.
He is completely different from me. If I am a ghost living in the darkness, then he is a god living in the sunshine.