Xia Chan lowered her head and followed Jiang Huainan. The sky was gloomy and it seemed like it was going to rain.
She couldn't tell why, but she was always cautious with Jiang Huainan, not wanting him to frown, afraid that he would get angry. She had known him for too long, from the time when they were young and ignorant to the time when they first fell in love, and her world was full of little thoughts about him.
That is the sound of a girl's budding love.
The leaves swaying in the wind rustled above Jiang Huainan's head. He put one hand in his trouser pocket and swayed the other hand slightly with his steps.
Xia Chan's eyes passed over his thin shoulders and fell on his profile. She felt uneasy as if she had done something wrong. She took a deep breath and planned to confess to him.
Jiang Huainan suddenly stopped and turned to look at her, expressionless. Xia Chan quickly looked away, not daring to look him in the eye, and moved her lips, but the words were stuck in her throat.
"I'll help you with your studies." Jiang Huainan pointed to the bulletin board not far away and said with a hint of helplessness, "I saw your ranking last month. It was very bad."
Xia Chan took a step back and explained sadly: "Jiang Huainan, I didn't go on a date. I went to look for something."
"I'll come find you during lunch self-study or after school."
"Monet has nothing to do with me. He is a bad-mouthed man who often skips classes. This time he took my school badge and ran away. I admit that I was wrong to climb over the fence this time. I won't do it again next time."
"In exchange, I'll be thirsty and you can bring me tea and water."
"Jiang Huainan, I really..."
"Asha."
When he shouted these two words, his tone was inexplicably cold and hard.
Xia Chan didn't say another word.
It seemed that her emotions were always affected by him, as if she was always chasing after his footsteps at a loss. Jiang Huainan's voice was not loud, but it was always firm, damn firm.
There was a sense of depression in the air. Xia Chan felt very lost and her body felt as if all its strength had been drained away. She was extremely tired.
"I believe you." Jiang Huainan's gentle voice came from beside him.
Jiang Huainan moved slightly and looked towards the distant sky: "Axia, I hope you can be fine. Now you should know where you want to go and what you really want. I know you are smart, but you are unwilling to use your strengths for your future. You are too paranoid. Time is running out and you can't afford to lose."
Her heart ached and tears suddenly welled up in her eyes. The pride she had been supporting collapsed in front of him. She wiped her tears as if hiding her worries.
See, he always managed to mess up all her emotions so easily.
The person in front of her who made her worried, she didn't know which direction she wanted to go, was him.
"Think about it carefully." Jiang Huainan stood straight and spoke, the light in his eyes was elusive. He looked at her, as if he was looking at something else through her.
Through her tearful eyes, she saw Jiang Huainan's figure and memories constantly overlapping, and then he turned his back to her and walked away, step by step, disappearing from her sight.
Jiang Huainan's departure that day was so decisive that Xia Chan vaguely thought it was a farewell.
I saw him again on Monday after school.
Monet didn't come to the flag-raising ceremony on Monday. In the morning, the head teacher gave Xia Chan a lecture with a stern face and asked her to tell Monet to submit a 5,000-word self-criticism together.
She was on duty in the evening and Ella came to see her. She walked in holding a cell phone and was grinning from ear to ear.
Xia Chan was sweeping the floor while laughing at her: "What are you so happy about?"
Ella saw her and rushed over to hug her, yelling, "Xia Xia, you skipped class last week! I was shocked."
Ella's behavior caused several students around to turn their heads and look over . Xia Chan pushed her to sit in her seat and said, "Keep a low profile."
Ella pouted and looked around, feeling bored. She took Xia Chan's schoolbag, poured out the books, flipped through them and found there was nothing to eat, so she put the books back into her bag.
"Let's go eat skewers later." Ella picked up the phone and asked without raising her head.
Chuan Chuan Xiang is a barbecue restaurant near the school. It is not big but the business is very hot. If you don't go early, you won't be able to get a table. Ella and Xia Chan often go there. Jiang Huainan went there once and frowned and said it was junk food. Xia Chan and Ella laughed at him for not knowing how to enjoy life.
"She's not available."
Xia Chan lowered her head and swept the paper scraps on the ground. A pair of white sneakers appeared in her sight. She straightened up and saw Jiang Huainan standing in front of her with a backpack slung over his shoulder, looking at them with a smile.
Ella was happily sending WeChat messages, but when she heard Jiang Huainan's words, she immediately got furious. She jumped up and grabbed Xia Chan and asked, "Xia Xia, what's wrong? You guys are not hiding your relationship from me, and you want to leave me alone to live your life alone, right?"
Xia Chan took her hand, gave her a brain-shattering slap, and said, "Don't let your imagination run wild all day long."
"Hey, what about you?" Ella nudged Jiang Huainan with her elbow.
Jiang Huainan smiled and replied: "We want to go to a world of two, we don't mind taking you with us."
Ella's eyes were filled with horror.
Xia Chan shook the broom in her hand and said, "Tuition, idiot."
Ella nodded and said "ah", then quickly shook her head and said, "No, no, you know I hate studying the most."
Jiang Huainan smiled but said nothing.
The three of them have known each other for a long time and are very familiar with each other. Ella is a carefree person and has done a lot to bring Jiang Huainan and Xia Chan together. Jiang Huainan always handles it with ease and does not show any rejection or acceptance. His mind is unfathomable. Xia Chan thinks that he is rational and wants to put the important things first, but the time is not right. Every time Ella adds fuel to the fire, she smiles awkwardly.
The tutoring was held at a nearby KFC after school every day. For Xia Chan's weak subjects in geography and mathematics, Jiang Huainan would draw red and blue lines on the in-class tests, monthly examinations, and exercise books. The red lines were the key points and the blue lines were the marks of corrections.
For the chapters , he would take a photo and do them again himself. The next day, he would pick out the parts that Xia Chan didn't understand and continue explaining them to her.
Xia Chan curiously asked him why he was so good, saying that science students could also solve the problems that liberal arts students could solve.
He glanced at her nonchalantly and said that he was a versatile person. Xia Chan immediately shut up obediently.
In the following period, Xia Chan made great progress in this tutoring mode. Her name appeared on the red list on the bulletin board, and she continued to move forward.
Once, Monet stopped her and asked her if she was in love, because he saw Jiang Huainan waiting for her downstairs every day . They ate together, walked together, and went home together. She neither admitted nor denied it. Monet's probing eyes seemed to want to dig a hole in her.
Then, Monet walked around her, leaned over and breathed into her ear, reminding her: "Axia, you are very suspicious..." His tone was threatening, and Xia Chan fled.
Xia Chan answered all the questions Jiang Huainan asked on Wednesday. Before the street lights came on, Jiang Huainan and she walked out of the KFC store.
Jiang Huainan put his hands in his pockets and walked slowly. Xia Chan followed behind him, stepping playfully on the checkered tiles on the sidewalk.
The two walked for a while without speaking.
When they passed by a basketball court in a residential area, Jiang Huainan could not help but stop. There were several primary school students playing basketball there. It was more like playing than playing. None of their movements were standardized, just like juggling.
Xia Chan suddenly thought that because of tutoring, he, who originally liked running on the court, had too much of his entertainment time taken up by her.
She followed his gaze, guessed his thoughts, and asked, "Do you want to teach them how to play for a while?"
Jiang Huainan nodded.
Xia Chan immediately became happy and said excitedly, "I'll go buy some water and buy a bottle for each of them." After saying that, she ran towards the convenience store across the street.
When he came back, Jiang Huainan was jumping up to shoot a basketball. The basketball drew a beautiful parabola in the air and went into the basket with a "whoosh". The children around him exclaimed in unison, and he had a hearty smile on his face.
"Great!" Xia Chan held the water in one hand and waved vigorously with the other.
She ran over to distribute water and a few bags of snacks to the children, then obediently retreated to the sidelines, guarding his schoolbag and watching him play.
His movements were smooth and each expression was fascinating. Xia Chan watched intently the whole time, holding her chin in her hand, until the night fell unconsciously. She imagined their future scenes, she played ball with him until his back bent, and he watched the sunset with her until she was old and gray.
She was still obsessed with him throughout the ancient years, like a moth to a flame, unable to extricate herself.
On the other hand, Gu Tong's bar business was booming. Ella went to "Zero" every few days to hang out with Gu Tong. Xia Chan had no time to accompany her, and learned a lot about the bar from Ella.
Mother Wu Zhizi and Ren Di officially entered the stage of passionate love. Considering Xia Chan's feelings, the two basically stayed together outside and avoided her. In the middle, they went to Hangzhou for a trip and called to send food to Xia Chan. Xia Chan casually mentioned a few things.
After her father passed away, Xia Chan gradually realized that Wu Zhizi wanted someone to accompany her. She used to be concerned about her feelings, but now that Xia Chan has grown up , Wu Zhizi has started to plan for herself. Although Xia Chan doesn't like Ren Di and can't think of him as her father, as long as he is sincere to Wu Zhizi, she will try to accept him.
Women, at any age, long for love. Wu Zhizi is no exception. Xia Chan will not deprive her of her rights, nor is she qualified to do so.
The weather had turned cooler when the third monthly exam ended. In order to thank Jiang Huainan, Xia Chan took him to a hot pot restaurant for dinner.
Jiang Huainan's mother is a university teacher and his father runs a company. He grew up in a happy and wealthy family. His mother is not in good health but is strict and strong, so Jiang Huainan always listens to her and follows her, including food, clothing, housing and transportation. Jiang Huainan rarely eats junk food and rarely eats out. While tutoring Xia Chan at KFC, he never tasted a hamburger or half a grilled chicken. Instead, Xia Chan was so hungry that she ordered a lot of fried food while doing her homework.
This time when eating hotpot, Xia Chan wanted him to experience the life of ordinary people.
She walked into the store, chose a seat by the window and sat down. Jiang Huainan sat opposite her.
Xia Chan flipped through the menu and looked up at him. Although she knew it in her heart, she still confirmed again: "You can't eat spicy food. You will be allergic, right?"
He frowned and looked at her with confusion in his eyes.
Xia Chan smiled and said, "Then let's order a double-flavored hotpot, half plain and half spicy. I like spicy food."
Because only strong spicy taste can stimulate the taste buds, she said in her heart.
"You don't eat much meat and prefer beef, so we will focus on vegetables and vegetarian food. Soy products are good for the body and can supplement nutrition. I'll order a few more servings. You don't like broccoli, and...oh, yes, you hate cilantro, so you can't have it. Also, use less chopped green onions and garlic..." She outlined the main course with a pencil.
The person in front of me didn't speak, and his expression was complicated.
"That's almost it. Is this all right?" She held up the selected menu and placed it in front of him.
He said "hmm" lightly.
Jiang Huainan's heart was as calm as a lake. He stared at her while she ordered and talked. Finally, he waved to the waiter and ordered another cup of Coke and another glass of boiled water.
He only drinks boiled water.
Her thoughts were so obvious, passionate and persistent, as if she was sure she would not lose. He knew there were some things he had to make clear to her.
Jiang Huainan could clearly remember the day they met. The weather was gloomy as if someone had just cried. He stood outside the fence of the yard, watching the driver sweating profusely as he and the workers went in and out of the small house to help with the move. At that time, a major change had just happened in his family, and his mother was heartbroken. His father took them away from the distant city and came to S City to start a new life.
He stood there in silence when he suddenly heard a cry. Following the sound of the cry, he saw ten-year-old Xia Chan carrying a sky blue schoolbag, standing straight with her hands tightly grasping the straps. On the other side of the stalemate with her stood a parent with a child. The child was crying loudly, yelling, "Get out of here! She hit me!" The parents pointed at Xia Chan and cursed, shouting ugly words like "wild child, no one teaches you, you'll be a nuisance when you grow up!"
Xia Chan was not tall, but her small body seemed to contain great energy. They pushed her and she moved forward. Her eyes flashed with a cold light that did not belong to her age. She said word by word, "He was the first to spit at me and snatch my ice cream."
The parents might have been intimidated by her sinister aura, or they might have been afraid that her parents nearby might cause trouble, so they pushed and shoved but did not dare to take any action.
The crying sound was annoying. Xia Chan looked at the crying boy impatiently and said sternly, "Cry again! I will beat you!"
The little boy hiccupped out of fright, and looked at his parents. Seeing their encouraging looks, he cried even harder and looked at Xia Chan provocatively.
Jiang Huainan took a look and figured out what was right and what was wrong.
He walked behind Xia Chan, looked over her head, and said to the two adults, "You were in the wrong first, you can't bully others. My parents work in the procuratorate. If you want to use adult methods to resolve children's quarrels, I can call them over."
"They are there." He pointed to a Mercedes parked not far away.
The parents were interrupted by him and stopped cursing. They looked in the direction of his finger, then looked at the expensive small villa , half believing and half doubting.
The heavily made-up woman raised her eyes to look at Xia Chan, who was wearing ordinary clothes, and compared it with Jiang Huainan, who was wearing a small suit, and asked in disbelief: "What is your relationship with her?"
He stared into the woman's suspicious eyes and answered in a clear voice: "I am her brother."
Yes, he treated her as his sister, from the first time they met. At that time, he had just lost a younger brother, so they moved away, leaving the city full of memories and coming to the unfamiliar S city to heal their pain.
He believed that Xia Chan's appearance in his life was destined. She was like an angel who had fallen to earth, with scarred wings, and she had been growing up on the edge of a cliff, facing the cold wind. He believed that with her, his mistakes in his youth would be redeemed and forgiven. But he ultimately failed her.
"Eat!" A pair of white hands kept waving in front of his eyes, "It's like your soul has left your body."
Xia Chan bent over, placed the plates in front of him, and handed the seasoning to him: "Sesame paste, chili sauce, tomato sauce, minced garlic, sesame oil, mix it yourself."
The hot pot in the middle was bubbling, and all kinds of food were rolling in the soup. In the rising white mist, the two people's eyes were blurred.
The boy was sitting very quietly, as if he didn't exist in this world. His thoughts passed through the past and the future, and they became mist in front of his eyes, making everything seem unreal.
Xia Chan hurriedly used long chopsticks to flip the meatballs in the pot, picked up a piece of beef and handed it to Jiang Huainan's bowl, saying, "Meat slices are easy to cook, just roll them."
Jiang Huainan used his chopsticks to push against her long chopsticks and refused.
"Are you disgusted? I won't give you any food." Xia Chan rolled her eyes at him and secretly glanced at him out of the corner of her eye.
"Asha." He called her.
Xia Chan was confused by his sudden voice, looked at him in confusion, and then asked: "Huh?"
Jiang Huainan's heavy expression seemed to be frozen. He looked up at her, carefully, without blinking, and asked slowly after a long time: "Do you like me?"
"Snapped--"
The chopsticks lost their grip and fell, and one of them rolled into the pot, splashing the hot soup.
"What, what?" Xia Chan retracted her hand and rubbed it helplessly. She felt belatedly that her skin seemed to be scalded by burning oil.
Jiang Huainan's expression did not change, and he repeated stubbornly: "Do you like me?"
Jiang Huainan in front of her didn't seem to care at all about the impact of this sentence on her. His inquiring eyes only sought a cold and serious result.
Xia Chan opened her mouth and forced an ugly smile. After hesitating for a long time, she said, "I like you. Of course I like you. You tutored me, waited for me to go to school together, held an umbrella for me, bought me breakfast, sent me medicine when I caught a cold, and brought gifts to visit me and my mother during holidays. When I was bullied before, you always protected me..."
"Asha." He interrupted her in a low voice, the soft light in his eyes extinguished, "You know what I'm asking."
"I know what I said." She couldn't help but retort, a hint of stubbornness appearing on her face.
She deeply hated herself for being like this. She was defeated at the first blow in front of him and had no ability to fight at all.
The tone of his sigh was heart-searing. The thing she was afraid to face made her feel like she was on the edge of an abyss, as if just a slight touch would send her plummeting into an abyss of no return.
Xia Chan said jokingly: "Don't you like this store? Then let's go to another one, okay?"
"Let me tell you something."
"The 'Sakura no Hana' sushi restaurant not far from here is pretty good. Why don't we go there to eat sushi? The mango milkshakes there are also delicious. Of course, it doesn't matter if you don't want to eat sushi. There are many more..."
"you listen to me."
I don’t want to hear it! I don’t want to hear it! She didn’t want to hear anything from him at all at this moment.
Everything was wrong. It shouldn't have been such an opening, and it shouldn't have been such a time and place.
Maybe she would pick a sunny day, wear a beautiful dress, put on delicate and elegant makeup, and say to him affectionately the words she had said to him for many years.
Maybe she would write a very long confession letter, buy a book he had been looking for for a long time, put it in the book and give it to him casually. With beautiful descriptions and sensational sentences, she believed that Jiang Huainan would at least seriously consider it.
Maybe……
There were too many maybes. In short, it was not in this shop when she was totally unprepared, and he seemed to have seen through her thoughts and was just waiting for an opportunity to force her to admit it.
Cold sweat covered her back, and years of emotions flooded into her heart. Her heart was as turbulent as the tide after dusk, rising and falling with no certainty.
"Axia..." After a long while, Jiang Huainan's faint voice finally entered her ears, "Do you remember how we met? "
She nodded woodenly.
He continued calmly, "That day it was exactly one year since my brother Jiang Huaibei passed away."
He mentioned a completely unfamiliar name, and Xia Chan's eyes were filled with confusion and surprise.
He looked at her calmly and smiled, "We are one year and four months apart in age, but our personalities are completely different. He liked to follow me since he was young. He would come to me without an umbrella when it rained, stick to me at school, and make trouble for me after school. He is very smart, but he doesn't put his intelligence to good use. He is a famous troublemaker in school. When my mother forced me to tutor him, he would take out a big bag of snacks from the cupboard, close the door and ask me to play games with him."
His fragmented words made her chest feel heavy.
"I was annoying him but he didn't care, and we just kept getting along like this. I asked him why he couldn't leave me alone for a while. Guess what he said? He said, 'Brother, your life is so boring. You are well-behaved, obedient and sensible, you have good grades and a good temper, everything is good, you are like a beautiful doll that mom loves, you are so unhappy.'"
"He..." Jiang Huainan's voice was as ethereal as an old man, "He is the same age as me, but he speaks like a little adult, which makes people laugh and cry. But...what he said hurt my heart..."
Jiang Huainan's expression became extremely complicated.
"I am indeed unhappy, and Huaibei understands me. From then on, no matter what my mother said or asked of me, he would do the opposite. My mother had no choice but to ask me to enlighten him and take good care of him, which achieved his goal. Huaibei made me learn to indulge myself in exchange. I played street basketball with him once, and he rewarded me with improved grades. I accompanied him to the Internet cafe once, and he didn't talk back when my mother scolded him the next time... It was through these times that Huaibei made me know what freedom and play are." He had a smile on his face, as if he was recalling something good.
"But truth will come out sooner or later. Slowly my grades dropped and I was late more often. My mother was called by the teacher to ask what happened. She then found out that Huaibei and I had been doing bad things that year. She was so angry that she beat Huaibei up." Jiang Huainan's face had soft lines and his face was a little sad in the rising mist.
He forced a smile and said, "Then, Huaibei ran away from home, and we couldn't find him anywhere. Three days later, he asked a classmate to bring me a message, asking me to meet him alone. He was still the same, never thinking that he had done anything wrong. I persuaded him to go back, but he asked me to accompany him to a place and then go home. We went together, but he... never came back..."
In Xia Chan's memory, this was the first time Jiang Huainan had said so many words. Perhaps because his expression was too painful, the unruly and rebellious figure of Jiang Huaibei appeared in her mind.
Xia Chan asked: "What happened?"
She was so close to him that she could see the mist in his eyes.
Jiang Huainan said as if possessed: "It was a deep lake in the suburbs, the water was very clear, the scenery was very beautiful, Huaibei wanted to swim. I couldn't persuade him because I couldn't swim, he jumped in without caring about me. I anxiously looked at my watch on the shore, just hoping that he would go back after playing enough."
He paused.
Xia Chan exhaled slowly and asked, "What happened next?"
"Later he had a lot of fun, swimming farther and farther. By the time I realized something was wrong, it was too late. Huaibei was in the middle of the lake, his legs were cramping and he was shouting for help. I knew I would die if I went down rashly, so I ran like crazy to call for help, but when the rescuers arrived, it was too late..."
In fact, the results were not surprising.
It was the first time that his memories were so cruelly peeled away. His tone was calm, as if he was telling someone else's story, but the suppressed sobs and pain were real.
What was she going to say? Silence was the most effective comfort.
After an unknown amount of time, he said with a bit of sadness in his eyes, "Axia, you and Huaibei are very similar, you are so similar in your bones, you attract me to be close to you, our meeting is a debt, I am like a drug addict with a lot of debt, I transfer all my guilt, self-blame and sense of sin towards Huaibei to you, treat you well, care about you, treat you as a sister, and do everything I can to atone for my sins. Only in this way can I feel better. I only care about my own feelings, but I ignore the impact it has on you."
Listening to him talk about yesterday's injuries and today's embarrassment, she dug her nails into her palms and murmured in confusion: "So it's like being a younger sister..."
"I should have said it earlier." He frowned, as if he was annoyed and blaming himself.
In fact, it’s still early now, she answered in her heart.
"I'm telling you, it's for your own good."
For her own good...
Xia Chan laughed coldly in her heart and wanted to refute but she didn't have any strength.
Jiang Huainan paused, his voice sounding unreal as if it came from a wild place: "I'm sorry."
Something completely shattered in the invisible darkness, petal by petal, with a sour whimper that echoed for a long time. Was it her heart? No, no, her heart couldn't be so fragile.
Although the air conditioner was on in the store, she felt cold all over and sad. She looked at Jiang Huainan in disbelief for a long time, from his eyebrows to his thin lips, from his past to his present.
She found that this person who had once been so familiar and close to her suddenly became a little unclear for some reason.
How cruel...
She suddenly laughed so hard that tears came out.
Feelings that come too easily are indeed fake. Jiang Huainan's "I'm sorry" has wiped out everything.
She can wait for him, can change for him, even if love comes later, as long as it is real, it doesn't matter.
But what if all this had deviated from the right track from the beginning? In this chess game with a huge disparity in strength, Jiang Huainan only regarded her as a spectator holding a box, just because she had the chess piece he needed.
Every move, every advance and every retreat, he was fighting with her, so what could she expect from the ending?
Winning or losing has never been her concern.