Chapter 1: Once a moth to a flame 1
When I was a child, I thought the best way to be was the best in the eyes of others, because at that time I didn’t know that people live for themselves, not for others.
——Shen Muxi
What is the purpose of life?
Is it for dreams, beliefs, feelings, or unsatisfied ambitions and possessiveness?
I don’t know. If it weren’t for Qiao Xinyu’s betrayal, I would probably never have known that people have to live for themselves in this life.
After celebrating Xiao Anning’s birthday, Sunai drove me back.
Sunai got her driver's license this spring, and her father kept his promise and gave her an Audi, so she would take us out for a ride whenever she had time.
Xiao Anning rolled down the car window to the lowest position, leaned against it and couldn't help but sigh: "How long will it take me to be able to afford such a car, Sunai, I really envy you."
Sunai just smiled and said nothing.
Xiao Anning leaned back in her chair, clasped her hands together, and silently said, "Sunai has a car, Muxi has a boyfriend, and I'm going to have a lot of money this year."
"Are you obsessed with money?" I teased Xiao Anning with a smile.
Xiao Anning curled her lips and said, "This is my dream. If a person has no dreams, what's the difference between him and a salted fish?"
"You can be a salted fish with dreams." I answered Xiao Anning while playing with my phone.
Xiao Anning came over with a wicked smile, put his hands under my armpits, and kept tickling me, shouting, "Salted fish, salted fish!"
I am the most ticklish person in my life. The car was not big, so I dodged and begged for mercy, and Xiao Anning finally gave up. Then, she lay in my arms, humming some nursery rhymes that I had never heard of.
Half an hour later, the car stopped downstairs of the community.
Sunai, Xiao Anning, and I all studied vocal music in high school, and this was our dream, so as soon as I entered college, I took advantage of the weekends to live stream online and earn some money to spend. In order to give me a quiet environment, Qiao Xinyu rented a house here and set aside a workshop for me.
"Mu Xi, you've been playing outside for a week. Qiao Xinyu must be missing you like crazy." Xiao An Ning leaned on the car window and looked at me with a sly smile as I got out of the car.
I turned around and pretended to reach out to give her a slap. She stuck out her tongue and quickly got back into the car.
Sunai smiled at me and said, "Go up, good night."
"Good night." I looked at her and said.
Sunai drove away until the Audi disappeared around the corner and the whole world became quiet. I looked up at the starry sky, and the night wind rustled the leaves.
After going upstairs, I took out the key. The copper key made a crisp sound in the keyhole. I was very careful not to disturb Qiao Xinyu who was already resting.
After the door opened, I walked inside in the dark, but almost tripped over my shoes at the entrance.
I quickly turned on the flashlight on my phone and was surprised to find a pair of red high-heeled sandals on the ground, which were obviously not mine.
An inexplicable sense of uneasiness came over me, and I held my phone high up, revealing the living room full of unsightly clothes and beer bottles. I tightened my grip on the phone and squeezed it tightly.
I kicked the beer bottle away and came to the bedroom. The bedroom door was slightly ajar, and I could vaguely see what was going on inside. I felt uneasy, my mind went blank, and my bad premonition became stronger and stronger.
The door was gently pushed open, and moonlight came in through the open window, illuminating the bedroom brightly and palely.
Qiao Xinyu was lying on the bed with his upper body naked, with a girl whose face could not be seen in his arms.
I stumbled, the phone slipped from my hand, and my body tilted and hit the door.
Hearing the sound, the person on the bed moved and looked up.
"Mu Xi?" Perhaps because the alcohol had mostly dissipated, Qiao Xinyu quickly got up from the bed, also startling the girl next to him.
Not knowing what to do, I quickly turned around and faced the door frame.
The girl on the bed wrapped herself in a quilt, looking a little scared. She grabbed Qiao Xinyu's arm and said softly, "Xinyu... who is she?"
Hearing this, I turned my head and glared at Qiao Xinyu. He stammered, "I, my girlfriend." When Qiao Xinyu spoke, his eyes kept darting around. He didn't dare to keep his eyes on me, nor on the girl.
I looked at the two people snuggling together on the bed, and anger rose in my heart, feeling extremely embarrassed.
"Qiao Xinyu, put on your clothes." I bit my teeth lightly, my fingers tightly gripping the door frame.
The sadness in my heart was suppressed by resentment. I bit my lower lip and watched Qiao Xinyu putting on his clothes in a panic. The girl on the bed stepped aside and curled up at the head of the bed.
Without even having time to put on his shoes, Qiao Xinyu ran to me, grabbed my arm, and wanted to explain.
I pushed him away and looked at him with a smile: "What's wrong? You drank too much and lost control, right?"
Qiao Xinyu was speechless for a moment, his hands moving restlessly, and then he said almost pleadingly: "Muxi, don't be angry first, I know that everything I say now is wrong, if you want to hit me, hit me, if you want to scold me, scold me, I will never fight back."
I stared with wide eyes at the man in front of me who was called my boyfriend. He had his eyes lowered and looked like he was ready to die.
"If you really want me to forgive you..." I choked, blinked, and said, "The first thing you should do is apologize to me. Qiao Xinyu, if you think you can get over this by just beating or scolding me, then you are too naive."
"I'm sorry, I really drank too much." Qiao Xinyu grabbed my shoulder and explained. He was just like all the cheating men in the cliché news I saw online, explaining to me like a robot that he was drunk, and at that moment I became the poor heroine in those cliché news.
"Don't touch me." I stepped back to avoid Qiao Xinyu's hand. I felt sick when I thought about how his hands had touched other women just now.
"I'm sorry, I can't forgive you now." I looked up at Qiao Xinyu, then at the girl hiding at the head of the bed, and said with red eyes, "You two should solve the problem yourselves. Qiao Xinyu, thank you for letting me see what kind of person you are..."
After saying that, I turned and left.
Qiao Xinyu shouted behind me but didn't catch up.
After I ran out, all the resentment in my heart disappeared, and the only thing still spreading in my heart was sadness.
I pressed the down button of the elevator desperately and wiped the tears from my face.
I suddenly remembered that summer two years ago, when the azure blue water beat against the rocks on the shore again and again. Qiao Xinyu, wearing a white shirt, pulled me behind the rocks, and the sea breeze blew his soft hair high.
He said: "Shen Muxi, let's go out together."
It was the day after the college entrance examination. He announced to me like a god, "Let's date," without any hesitation.
I came to the street alone, with cars and people coming and going, but they seemed to be in a different world from me. The noise was their noise, and the loneliness was my loneliness.
I took out my cell phone and called Sunai.
"Hello, Muxi." Suna responded, and it sounded like she was applying a facial mask.
I was about to speak, but suddenly I felt a lump in my throat. I quickly covered my mouth and didn't say anything.
"Muxi..." Sunai noticed that something was wrong with me and asked, "Where are you?"
I lowered my head and said in a trembling voice, "Let's go to the beach."
As I was speaking, my eyes were suddenly stung by a beam of light. I raised my hands to cover my eyes and saw a car brake suddenly and stop in front of me.
I was so scared that I sat down on the ground, and my phone fell to the ground and broke into two pieces. The car stopped in front of me, and there was a long brake mark on the road under the streetlight.
Sitting in the driver's seat of the car was a man with a frown on his face, his hands tightly gripping the steering wheel, his joints clearly visible.
I was still in shock.
The man unbuckled his seat belt and prepared to get out of the car.
I quickly got up from the ground, picked up my phone, and ran away in panic.
The red lights on the sidewalk were unusually glaring where I left off.
I panicked because of a cheating man and was almost hit by a car. Shen Muxi, is it worth it?
I jogged along, my heart seemed to be beating out of my chest. Ten minutes later, Sunai found me by the roadside in his car, looking miserable and embarrassed.
I got into the car, and Xiao Anning took a thin blanket and draped it over my shoulders. Seeing that I was distracted, she asked worriedly, "What's wrong, Muxi? Did you have a fight with Qiao Xinyu?"
"Don't mention him." I closed my eyes and sighed deeply.
Sunai glanced at me through the rearview mirror and drove towards the beach in silence.
In early autumn, the sea surface is like a huge hole, and you will fall into it if you are not careful. Sunai took out a few cans of beer from the trunk and planned to accompany me until we were drunk.
The soft beach was still the same as it was two years ago, without any change. We sat side by side, staring at the moon in a daze.
Xiao Anning couldn't hold back her temper and was the first to break the silence, saying, "Muxi, tell me and Nana, did Qiao Xinyu bully you? If so, Nana and I will help you beat him up!"
I lowered my head and sneered, "If only it were just bullying."
"What happened?" Suna, who had been silent, also asked.
I took a sip of beer and said calmly, "He cheated on me."
It's as if this incident never happened.
Hearing this, Xiao An Ning was immediately terrified: "Cheating? He's with another woman?"
"Xiao Anning." Sunai called out in a low voice, signaling her not to speak so bluntly.
I smiled and shook my head.
"Muxi." Xiao Anning lowered her head, sat next to me, and said, "You can't forgive him so easily. Cheating is equal to betrayal, and there is no good ending to a betrayed love. Muxi, break up with him."
Sunai frowned and said, "Xiao Anning, you are the only one who talks too much."
Xiao Anning raised her head unconvinced and said, "I'm not being nosy. I'm doing this for Mu Xi's own good. Qiao Xinyu doesn't deserve her love."
"It's not up to you to decide whether it's worth it or not," Sunai said.
"Nana, do you think a cheating man can bring happiness to Muxi?" Xiao Anning asked Sunai doubtfully, "Although what I said is unpleasant, it is the fact. Face the facts, whether good or bad, you have to bear the consequences."
"Stop talking." I held my head and buried it between my knees, my mind in a mess.
I don't dare to imagine the future, not even the present. I don't even know how to face this matter, how to face Qiao Xinyu's face, after all, I liked him.
Yes, I liked him, since high school.
I met Qiao Xinyu when I was in high school.
At that time, he never followed the school rules. He didn't wear school uniforms, but preferred to wear white shirts; he didn't keep a buzz cut, but liked to comb his hair into a middle part. He had a rascally smile, but also a warm heart; he liked to challenge the teacher, but never had any ill intentions.
His grades have always been among the best, he is naughty and naughty, but careful and responsible. Teachers and classmates like him very much, including me.
At that time, Sunai, Xiao Anning, I and I always dreamed of becoming singers and practiced vocal music in the piano room. He always sat in the corner with headphones on, watching us.
The day after the college entrance examination, Sunai invited us to go to the beach together.
The four of us had a barbecue and played beach volleyball on the beach. During the break, Qiao Xinyu came over with the roasted lotus root slices, sat next to me, and handed them to me: "Here, your favorite lotus root slices."
I was very surprised. How did he know that I liked lotus root slices the most? Before going to the beach, Qiao Xinyu and I had no direct contact except for the first time we met. I liked him, but it was just in my heart. No one knew it.
"How did Nana invite you here?" I asked curiously while biting the lotus root slices.
Qiao Xinyu raised his head, propped his hands on the beach, looked at the clear sky, and said, "She didn't invite me, I asked her to bring me here."
I was full of doubts and asked again, "Why?"
Qiao Xinyu turned his head, narrowed his eyes, and smiled, "Come with me."
He held my hand and took me running on the beach. At that moment, the sea breeze gently blew on my face, and I naively thought that it was the happiest moment of my life.
Qiao Xinyu took me behind the reef and said to me mysteriously: "Close your eyes."
I obediently closed my eyes, and Qiao Xinyu grabbed my shoulders and made me face the sea.
"Okay." He whispered in my ear.
I opened my eyes and what came into view was the sparkling sea. The afterglow of the setting sun sprinkled on the sea, making the vast sea more mysterious.
"it's beautiful."
At that time, I, with a girlish heart, thought that scene was very beautiful.
But I didn’t know at that time that the reason I thought it was beautiful was because there was just the right person next to the right scenery.
"Yeah." Qiao Xinyu leaned against the reef, put his hands behind his head, stared at the sea level, and said, "Dusk is the most beautiful time at the end of the day. Shen Muxi, do you want to do something meaningful at the most beautiful time at the end of the day?" After speaking, he glanced at me out of the corner of his eye, straight into my heart, making my heart beat "thump thump".
"What...meaningful thing?" I asked cautiously.
The corners of Qiao Xinyu's mouth rose slightly, and an uninhibited smile spread out in the sunset.
I looked at him infatuatedly, as if I was looking at an incomparable painting.
Suddenly, Qiao Xinyu took a step closer to me, leaned down without hesitation, and gradually blocked the afterglow of the setting sun, until a soft kiss fell on the corner of my mouth.
My heart started beating so hard it felt like it was about to burst out of my body.
Qiao Xinyu slowly raised his head, the afterglow of the setting sun once again shone between us, he grinned, revealing a row of white teeth, the sea breeze blew his hair, he said: "Shen Muxi, let's go out."
It was like a beam of light piercing through my brain, and my mind was blank except for the words he just said.
Without waiting for my answer, Qiao Xinyu pulled me into his arms. He put his arm around my shoulders and walked with me on the beach. The tide came up, flooded over our ankles, and then retreated.
"I know you like me too. From now on, you are my girlfriend." He announced domineeringly, making it impossible for me to refuse.
I bit my lower lip and asked, "How do you know I like you? I never told you."
I accidentally spilled out all my thoughts in one sentence, and Qiao Xinyu laughed ostentatiously in the sunset: "Hahaha, man's intuition."
At that time, I looked at his profile and the confident smile on his lips, and felt that he was the most powerful person in the world.
At some point in the past, we all naively believed that it would be forever, but we did not expect that the cruelty of the blade of time was enough to split eternity into nothingness in this life.
Memories overwhelmed me. I leaned in Xiao Anning's arms, gently biting my index finger, stubbornly trying not to cry out.
Xiao Anning hugged me and scolded Qiao Xinyu for a full ten minutes.
I don’t know how long it was, but Sunai got up and found a branch and asked me to write down the unhappy things and write them on the beach so that the tide would wash them away and I wouldn’t be sad.
I firmly believe it and think that the tide can take away unhappiness forever.
I didn't go back that night, and Qiao Xinyu didn't call me at all, not even a word of explanation.
I stayed in the hotel for one night, and Sunai and Xiao Anning stayed with me the whole time. The next day, I went to class with a pair of red and swollen eyes, and I was listless throughout the class.
During lunch, I was eating a lot of food, so I slammed my chopsticks on the table and said to Suna, "Nana, can you help me find a house?"
"Are you going to move out?" Sunai and Xiao Anning asked me in unison.
"Move!" I nodded.
Xiao An Ning slammed the table and said righteously, "Yes, you should move out. Who wants to live with a heartless man like that? Mu Xi, I'll help you find one too."
"Okay." I agreed with Xiao An Ning, but my eyes slowly darkened.
My left hand was holding the phone in my pocket, and it never rang or vibrated. Maybe Qiao Xinyu was cheating on me on purpose? He was very popular with girls, and there were countless outstanding girls around him.
Thinking of this, my eyes became red again and I lowered my head to eat to hide my emotions.
After school that afternoon, Sunai called me.
"Muxi, come to Jiangxi Middle Road. I saw a house that's pretty good. Come and take a look."
"Okay." I hung up the phone and took the subway straight to Jiangxi Middle Road.
Sunai was waiting for me at the gate of the community. When I arrived, I looked at the community and asked doubtfully, "Are you sure I can afford the rent?"
"Let's go in and take a look." Suna raised his eyebrows and turned to walk into the community.
I hurriedly followed him, feeling a little hesitant.
This community is called Qingshui Bay, and it is located in the city’s largest business district. Even if I do live broadcasts every week, I’m afraid I can’t afford the expensive rent.
Sunai seemed to see what I was thinking and said, "You don't have to worry about the rent. I've already discussed it with the landlady. She wants to find a girl to live with her daughter. She's afraid that her daughter will be lonely, so she rents the place out at a low price. You should be thankful that I found such a good location." As he spoke, Sunai skillfully pressed the elevator up button and got into the elevator.
I quickly followed him in and asked, "Have you asked about the water and electricity bills?"
"Water and electricity are included." Sunai smiled, "The landlady said that her daughter would use so much water and electricity anyway, so it doesn't count for you."
I laughed dryly twice, not daring to believe it. After all, there is no such thing as pie in the sky.
The person who opened the door was an aunt with a cheerful face. She looked me up and down and welcomed me in warmly.
"The room on the right is my daughter's room, and the room on the left is yours. Come here, little girl." The landlady took my hand and opened the door for me. Her excessive enthusiasm made me a little overwhelmed.
The room was waiting . I looked at the rental contract in my hand and confirmed in disbelief: "Auntie, this house won't be haunted or anything? The rent is too cheap."
Sunai nudged me with her elbow and said, "How can you talk like that? Auntie is looking for someone to accompany her child. I'm not renting the house specifically for you."
The landlady was not shy and said with a smile, "It's okay, little girl, it's good to be more careful. This house was bought by my daughter, there will be no problem."
I looked around and thought that since I was living with a girl and she bought the house herself, it shouldn't be a big problem, so I said, "Okay, Auntie, I'll sign."
"You're so good." The landlady looked at me with a smile, as if she were talking to a child, and said, "If you need anything, just come to my child or me. You can treat this place as your home."
"Okay." I stopped being suspicious and quickly signed the contract, paid three months' rent, and prepared to go back and move my things over.
Qiao Xinyu was not at home, and the house was still the same as yesterday. The quilt in the bedroom was crumpled into a ball, curled up at the end of the bed, the shoes on the floor were placed crookedly beside the bed, and there was a box of instant noodles that Qiao Xinyu had finished eating in the kitchen that had not been cleaned up.
I walked over silently, cleaned up all the garbage, and then tidied the room inside and out.
"Why should I help him clean the house?" Xiao Anning kicked Qiao Xinyu's shoes away by the door, looking resentful.
