The September sun is so dazzling that it makes people dizzy. The scorching sun hits everyone's body, making their backs feel painful like a burn. In addition to the sticky smell unique to summer, the air is filled with the chattering and laughter of girls gathered in groups.
In the bustling and crowded atmosphere, I stood in the line with a wooden face, wiping the sweat off my forehead with my arm while taking out my vibrating phone. I wanted to ignore the message from Sheng Yinuo asking for peace, but I didn’t want to look out of place in such an environment, so I could only reply with a few short “Oh, OK”s and pretend to be busy…
I don’t want to appear lonely, nor do I want others to see that I’m a little embarrassed, so I like to pretend that I’m very powerful and fearless.
My mother's evaluation of my personality is that I look like a fearless little lion, but deep down I am a cowardly paper tiger.
"Did you see how grand the scene was when Yu Zichu's father from the next class came to see him off?"
"Yes, his family is super rich, and his father loves him very much..."
When the two female voices behind me, who were gossiping, said the word "Dad", I felt a sharp pain in my heart, as if a tiny needle was piercing into the deepest part of my heart, and the memories of that autumn, like ink dripping on rice paper, spread in the air bit by bit.
That year, the weather had just started to turn cooler. The wind blew the fallen leaves, which swirled and fell on the streets where funeral music was playing. The almost bare branches left marks on the gray sky, making the originally complete picture look broken.
I knelt in the white mourning hall, in front of me were scorching charcoal fire and white ashes. The fire roasted my tear-stained face, it was hot and a little painful. I opened my tired eyes and looked at my mother who was socializing with various relatives. The sadness on her face seemed to have been diluted by various trivial matters, and what was left was only endless fatigue.
After the guests paid their respects to the spirit tablet and said "my condolences", they immediately blended into the crowd. The funeral music was accompanied by an inconsistency of noise, and there was even a lot of laughter at the table.
I lowered my head, and my mind was filled with my father's broad and warm back and his rough, strong hands.
In my impression, although he is usually taciturn and not good at speaking, he is extremely gentle and patient towards me.
So, when the police notified us to check the body, I never believed that the cold and swollen person lying there could really be him.
The police said that my father's body was found in the clearest river outside the city, and they had ruled out the possibility of homicide . The suicide note was wrapped in a plastic bag with only a few short words on it.
"I'm sorry for being a husband and a father."
From now on, the three words "I'm sorry" are the words I least want to see.
I have been indifferent to others since I was a child. I don’t like to interact with people and things I am not familiar with. I have very few friends. My mother wanted to take me to see a psychologist several times, but my father refused every time. He said: "Our Su Bei is not depressed, but too shy, not good at expressing himself, and likes to keep things in his heart."
I think the reason why he understands me so well is probably because he is like this...
Facing my father’s passing, my mother’s collapse was much shorter than mine. When preparing for the funeral yesterday, she said quietly to the tablet: “If being with me is so hard, there’s no need to commit suicide. I’ll just go…”
Many years later, I realized that it was too superficial to describe my mother's mood at that time with the word "painful".
The guests came and went in twos and threes. My legs were numb as if they did not belong to me. My stomach, which had not eaten for the whole day, was now filled with the discomfort of churning stomach acid.
"Su Bei, Su Bei." A soft call came from behind.
I turned around and saw Sheng Yinuo squatting beside me with a worried look on his face, holding a piece of white pastry in his hand.
"Eat something!" Sheng Yinuo said.
I shook my head gently, and the heaviness in my head made me feel slightly dizzy.
"Then drink something. If you fall down, Aunt Zhang won't know what to do..." A familiar voice came from above my head.
Yu Xia, dressed in black, stood in front of me holding a bottle of oatmeal milk.
I was still hesitating whether to take it, but he forcefully stuffed the milk into my hands, then pulled Sheng Yinuo to kneel beside me, taking over my duty of kowtowing.
Leaning aside and looking at their thin and tall figures, the fatigue in my body seemed to be relieved a little.
The boy wearing a black T-shirt, with a few strands of hair exposed in front of his forehead, black eyes as sharp and tough as an eagle, a slightly upturned nose and a frowned brow is Sheng Yinuo. The boy kneeling beside him, wearing gold-rimmed glasses, with fair skin, gentle eyes, and a gentle and handsome face is Yu Xia.
These two grew up with me. We lived in the same building many years ago. Sheng Yinuo is outgoing, while Yu Xia is introverted and taciturn. They were ordered by their respective parents to take the responsibility of playing with me, the only girl of the same age in the building.
At the beginning, Sheng Yinuo found me annoying and Yu Xia didn't pay much attention to me either, until one time, the two of them accidentally broke the daffodils that our neighbor Grandpa Li had worked so hard to cultivate, and I happened to see it. After being coerced and bribed by the adults to reveal the "real murderer", I still chose to grit my teeth and not say anything. Then the three of us formed a revolutionary friendship.
Over the years, we have climbed the back stairs of the school together, witnessed the most gorgeous sunset, and felt the wonder of snowflakes falling on our tongues on a snowy day that rarely happens in a decade.
We stand shoulder to shoulder, sharing each other's joy and bearing each other's pain.
When I was young, I didn't think there was anything special about them. As they grew older, they gradually grew taller and their facial features became more handsome. Sheng Yinuo became the focus of the school basketball team, and Yu Xia became the object of discussion and admiration of the girls because of his good results in various competitions and the title of volleyball team captain.
As for me, from the beginning I became the middleman who the girls flattered and asked for help in delivering love letters. Later, because I had such a good relationship with the two of them, I was frequently envied and became the primary target of the girls' resentment and exclusion.
In my dark and ordinary youth, under the shining light of these two people, sometimes I felt warm as a spring breeze, and sometimes I felt sad as a thunderstorm. Fortunately, they never left me, and I didn't despise them either.
When I was in high school, Sheng Yinuo's father moved to the best villa community in our city because his business was booming. Later, Yu Xia's family also moved to a famous civil servant community because of his father's promotion. Fortunately, my family was not too far from their new home, so we could get together often. Therefore, even though we did not live together, our feelings were not diluted by distance.
After the college entrance examination, because my mother didn't want me to go to another place, I applied to University A. Sheng Yinuo also applied here because he wanted to be in the same school with me, whom he liked. As for Yu Xia, he said that he couldn't watch Sheng Yinuo and I ruin University A, so he wanted to keep an eye on us, so he also applied here.
After seeing our three application forms, the teacher talked to us several times. After all, with our grades, we could choose a better university in another city, but we all shook our heads firmly.
As we shook our heads, I saw helplessness in the teacher's eyes, and there seemed to be a hint of heartache, and I almost cried.
Later I also learned that for this aspiration, Sheng Yinuo was chased by his father and ran several laps around their community, shouting and cursing. Yu Xia and I lay on the platform on the seventh floor of the high-rise building next to their community, watching this chase and laughing for a long time.
Later, Sheng Yinuo lamented in front of us every day that he had made bad friends. He came to my and Yu Xia's house for several days to eat before he was satisfied and stopped mentioning this word...
Someone said, thank you friends for being so brilliant and dazzling, and being the stars in my ordinary years.
To me, they are the brightest stars in my lonely, helpless and hopeless night.
Before I could pull myself out of my memories, a girl squeezed into the group of four people in front of me and playfully stuck out her tongue at the person behind her.
The difficult queue journey became longer...
"Hey, can you please have some manners? Why are you cutting in line?" I have always hated cutting in line, but when I saw the girl in front of me cutting in line without any sense of guilt, I got so angry that I shouted out loud.
I saw the girl's back move, then she turned around and looked at me with some arrogance and said, "I was standing here from the beginning, I just went to the toilet."
"Toilet?" I looked at her and sneered, "I've been here since the first line, how come I haven't seen you before?"
"You are blind!" the girl replied lightly, and then muttered, "You really think you are the police of the Pacific Ocean. You are too nosy. Why don't you go to the street and help the old lady cross the road?"
As soon as she finished speaking, it was her turn. She took the clothes and smiled at me proudly. Just as she was about to leave, I snatched her clothes and stuffed them to the person behind her, then pulled her to stop her from getting more clothes.
She glared at me angrily and yelled, "Are you sick? No one behind me cared, but you jumped out! This is a university, not your home!"
"This is a university, not your home," I retorted.
Because of this quarrel, we both stayed away from the crowd. If I had not pursued the matter, I could have gotten my clothes and rested earlier, and I wouldn't be drying in the sun now. But I just didn't want to let go. I was holding back a lot of anger in my heart, and I couldn't vent it out no matter what I did.
The girl stared at me, her eyes were like knives, as if they were going to stab me in the chest at any time.
"Su Bei, why haven't you received your clothes yet?" Sheng Yinuo hurriedly walked up to me holding the clothes and asked at first. When he saw me and the girl in front of him tugging at each other, he immediately became nervous and asked warily, "Did she bully you?"
"I bullied her? Brother, she was the one who kept holding me and not letting me go to get the clothes, okay? Isn't it just cutting in line? It makes me feel like I did something outrageous, it's scary." The girl shook off my hand and glared at Sheng Yinuo, "Are you her friend? Hurry up and take care of this psychopath."
"You think you're right to cut in line?" Sheng Yinuo stopped me from going forward and said to the girl, "Why don't we just stay here today? I'm not afraid of getting tanned, but you don't have good facial features. If you get darker, you'll be too embarrassed to see anyone..."
When the girl heard this, she was so angry that she kept muttering "you, you, you" for a long time and couldn't say anything else.
"I, I, I what? Go and get your clothes quickly. No one wants to be exposed to the sun." Sheng Yinuo glared at her.
"Just wait for me!" the girl said through gritted teeth, then left angrily.
Originally, I should have let out the anger in my heart and greeted Sheng Yinuo with a nice face, but when I thought about how we had agreed to pick up the clothes together, but he and Yu Xia left me behind and went away first, I still felt a little uncomfortable.
Sheng Yinuo glanced at me secretly, and said in a pleading tone: "My dear Miss Su, I know it was wrong of us to leave the important task of picking up the clothes to you. Yu Xia has already bought your favorite drink, and will come to apologize later. Don't be angry, I will accompany you to pick up the clothes first."
Sheng Yinuo coaxed me and led me to the line to get clothes, and along the way he did not forget to use the clothes in his hands to shield me from the sun.
I didn't want to join the line, so I stubbornly stood at the end of the line. Sheng Yinuo looked at me helplessly, without saying a word, and just fanned me with his clothes, as if I were a domineering "Empress Dowager".
That's right, I was feeling choked up because of the two of them breaking their promise, and I yelled at that girl, partly because I wanted to vent that anger, but I'm actually not that noble.
"Su Bei."
After taking a few steps forward with difficulty, Yu Xia also handed me a bottle of iced black tea. Seeing my cold face, he gave Sheng Yinuo a look.
Sheng Yinuo made a frightened expression and then nodded.
He held it in for a long time before he said, "I'll treat you to dinner tonight."
"I need to eat shabu-shabu mutton, shabu-shabu tripe, shrimp balls, beef balls, and a cup of sour plum soup to be happy." I said with a pout.
I am so spineless that one word from him would make me surrender immediately, and the anger in my chest would be extinguished in an instant.
Fortunately, in front of him, I don’t need to pretend or be awkward.
In such a hot summer day, two of my most important friends stood beside me. One of them held up clothes to help me block the sun, and the other used the clothes in his hand to fan me. Although I was sweating profusely, I felt extremely cool.
The beautiful memories come to my mind again and again, and the deep warmth that penetrates my bones is enough to make me cry at any time.
The two boys standing next to me can be said to be my childhood friends, my good friends, and also my important relatives. They accompanied me through the darkest times and gave me the ultimate warmth.
After we received our uniforms, the school did not make us start military training on the same day, but started it the next day.
In September in the north, the temperature difference between day and night is very large. It was still a little cold when I just got up to run, but it became hot after doing basic morning exercises. The long-sleeved military training uniform was not breathable, and I was so hot that I could hardly stand.
"You guys rest here first, the instructor will be here soon." The counselor said this and left, leaving us full of complaints.
"Hello, do you have sunscreen? Can...can you lend it to me for a while?" A pretty girl next to me timidly patted me on the shoulder and asked.
"Sure!" I generously took out the sunscreen and stuffed it into her hand. Maybe I've been a rough girl for too long, so when I met such a delicate and beautiful girl, I couldn't help but want to protect her.
"Thank you. My name is Xu Shihan. Xu means promise, Shi means poem, and Han means cultivation."
"My name is Su Bei, Su Bei in the north of Suzhou." Compared to Xu Shihan's elegant introduction, mine is much rougher.
Just when I was about to say a few more words to her, I suddenly heard a familiar voice in the crowd. I looked up and saw that it was indeed the girl who cut in line yesterday.
It's true that enemies often meet each other. When I looked up, the girl also saw me. She glared at me, continued talking to the people around her, and ignored me.
After she came to her senses, before she had time to feel upset, a roar almost broke her eardrums, and the girl was so scared that she almost dropped the sunscreen in her hand.
"Stand up and line up according to your height!"
The tall and dark instructor stood in front of us, like a black-faced god, with a stern face and a fierce tone, which scared Xu Shihan beside him so much that she shrank towards me.
"Hello everyone, from today on I will be your instructor! You can just call me Instructor Liu. I am a very strict person and will never allow cowards in my team. I hope you will remember this and stick to it." His powerful voice even echoed. Before I could recover from the echo, he said, "Start standing at attention now for one hour. I will show you how to do it once."
The key to standing at attention is to keep your heels together, toes sixty degrees apart, abdomen in, chest out, upper body slightly leaning forward, shoulders flat, arms hanging naturally, fingers together and naturally slightly bent, with the middle finger against the trouser seam. At the same time, keep your head straight, neck straight, mouth closed, chin tucked in, and eyes looking straight ahead.
After following the instructor's series of demonstrations, my head felt like it was going to explode. I could only hold on for less than two minutes before I felt my palms were all sweaty, my legs and neck were stiff, and I really wanted to move a little.
Thinking of this, I raised my finger uncontrollably. But as soon as I raised my finger, I heard the instructor yell, "Third student in the first row, pay attention and don't make any small movements."
After a long hour, I felt like my whole body was stiff. If someone pushed me lightly, I might fall straight to the ground, just like in the cartoons.
Other classes have already started their break...
Students from other classes are chatting and laughing with the instructor...
Other classes...
We were the only ones standing stiffly in military posture, accepting the gazes . In those gazes there was not only smiles but also a hint of sympathy and relief.
There was no coolness in the sultry weather. Sweat dripped down my forehead, flowed between my eyebrows, passed the corners of my lips, and finally fell to my chin and slid into my collar. I tried to move and change my posture, but every slight movement would make me want to stretch more. Then, under the instructor's angry glare, I withdrew my selfishness and continued to stand.
People say that pain will make you numb, but I am still in pain and there is no way I can become numb.
Later, after experiencing some things, I realized that the pain that can bring numbness is not in the body, but in the heart. If possible, I would rather stand in military posture for a few more hours than experience such a heart-wrenching pain.
"Su Bei..."
After a weak voice, Xu Shihan collapsed beside me. When I noticed her condition and wanted to help her, the sudden movement made me lose my balance and I fell to the ground. My arm was scratched a little and it was burning with pain.
"Shihan, are you okay?"
"Su Bei, I... feel a little dizzy."
"Military training is to train your iron will. Stand up and continue!" The instructor glanced at us and spoke coldly without any sympathy.
"Instructor, Shihan is not in good health. Can she ask for leave to rest aside and then continue training after the rest?" Seeing Xu Shihan's face flushed and she didn't even have the strength to stand up, I really couldn't just sit there and watch.
I clearly understand how much people hope that someone can come forward to give them a little help when they are in pain and powerlessness, even if this little help is so insignificant to them.
"No, the whole class is insisting, she's the only one who's weak? I don't accept such a cowardly excuse."
I hadn't thought about the consequences of this incident, and I didn't know why I was so caring towards Xu Shihan. Anyway, I got excited and argued with the instructor for Xu Shihan: "Instructor, everyone's physique is different. Just like you can run 800 meters on the playground right now without breathing heavily, some of us may not be able to stand up after running. You can't expect everyone to be the same as you, right?"
“Wrong logic!”
"Were you able to be like you are now when you first joined the army? Didn't you feel uncomfortable the first time you stood at attention for an hour?"
The instructor frowned, and after a long while he said, "Everyone take a break."
When everyone was relieved and ready to leave, the instructor raised his voice again, pointed at me and said, "You, continue to stand here until the next training."
I knew I had to pay a price for my "heroism", but when I saw the gratitude in Xu Shihan's eyes when she was helped away and turned to look at me, I felt that it was all worth it.
There are moments when a paper tiger wants to step up.
Everyone went to rest under the shade of the trees, and only two people stood in the sun, one was me, and the other was the "queue-jumping girl" who stood beside me, watching the show and making sarcastic remarks at me.
She was standing a distance away from me, probably because she was afraid of being discovered by the instructor. She pretended to be talking to another girl, but was actually making sarcastic remarks to me.
She crossed her arms over her chest and looked at me coldly, with a half-smile in her eyes: "You really think you are the messenger of justice? You always want to be the best in everything. As a result, you had to line up again yesterday and was punished by the instructor today. Tsk tsk, some people are so arrogant. Do you really think you can become Batman by putting on a cape and mask?"
Knowing the instructor was looking at me, I couldn't say anything, and I didn't want to argue with the girl. Some things don't require too much explanation if you do them yourself.
Maybe in her eyes I was just being a hero for a while. Only I knew that I just didn't want Xu Shihan to feel despair when she was helpless.
No one should bear loneliness. Just like me, who was alone in my childhood, it was only because of the appearance of Sheng Yinuo and Yu Xia that I had light and warmth.
People who have not experienced this feeling will not understand.
I ignored the "queue-jumping girl", but I was a little concerned about Sheng Yinuo and Yu Xia. Logically, they would not be indifferent to seeing me being punished like this, let alone say a word of comfort. I tried to find their figures in the crowd with squinting eyes, but I couldn't see them even after looking at them for so long that my eyes hurt.
Could they be...
When the instructor appeared in front of everyone, all wet and causing laughter, I knew that Sheng Yinuo must have dragged Yu Xia to vent my anger.
To be honest, I felt very relieved when I saw the instructor, who was showing off in front of us with a righteous look just now, now angrily threatening to catch the person who bullied him and teach him a lesson.
All the students were gathered together and stood in silence, not daring to make a sound.
The instructor angrily threw his hat aside, rolled up his sleeves that were still dripping with water, and said angrily with a dark face: "Who did this? Stand up immediately, otherwise everyone will be punished. Run 10,000 meters on the playground and then stand at attention for an hour! I will blow the whistle three times, and I hope someone can tell me, otherwise you will just start running!"
"Beep..." After the first sound, Sheng Yinuo and Yu Xia stood up. They couldn't bear to let the whole class be punished with them, especially since I was one of them.
"Since you have the courage to stand up, run 15 laps on the playground and do 300 frog jumps after that. You!" The instructor pointed at a skinny boy wearing glasses in the crowd and said, "Watch them. If I find out that they didn't run a lap or jump a lap, you will run and jump a lap. Got it?"
“I…I understand…” The boy nodded, his face a little pale.
After the instructor left, the boy walked up to Sheng Yinuo, patted him on the shoulder and said, "Brother, I'm sorry, run!"
The playground is 400 meters long, and 15 laps equals 6,000 meters, plus there are 300 frog jumps. I looked at them with heartache and wanted to finish it with them. I couldn't let them be punished for me while I just stood aside and did nothing.
"Su Bei, you are not allowed to come over, you are not allowed to come with us!" Sheng Yinuo saw my intention, and before I could open my mouth, he stopped me and said, "You! Wait for us brothers under the shade of the tree honestly, you are not allowed to run or jump, do you understand? If you get tired, I will be heartbroken! I haven't caught up with you yet, and I don't want to die of heartbreak before I die of exhaustion."
"I..." Sheng Yinuo poked Yu Xia with his elbow and said, "Why don't you say something to stop her? This girl is getting stubborn and I'm afraid I can't stop her."
Yu Xia looked up and smiled at me, and said calmly, "Wait until we come back."
In my eyes, at this moment he is like a hero in a comic book. Before saving the world, he said something to the heroine in a casual but extremely firm manner. It seemed to be full of magic and irresistible.
It may be that he was just too lazy to say a few more words, but I have determined that he is my hero and will not waver.
I turned around and went to Xu Shihan to wait for them to come back. At that moment, I only had Yu Xia in my eyes and ignored Sheng Yinuo's sadness on his face.
I think, even if I saw it, I would think it was my own illusion. An optimist like Sheng Yinuo seems to have no chance of being associated with the word sadness in his life.
I would never have believed this .
But the more confident you were at the beginning, the more sad you will be later.