Chapter 4 The Man on the Tombstone 06
The cheapest hotel near the school costs thirty yuan a night. The room is small and simply furnished, with an old double bed, a dim bedside lamp, a worn-out TV cabinet, an old brand color TV, and an Internet port connected to the New Century.
I put down the empty box, threw the laptop that hadn't been thrown away onto the bed, and searched for cases online with a pile of information I brought from the library.
The soundproofing facilities in this kind of hotel are very poor. The migrant workers who rent rooms in the corridor are burping and speaking noisy local dialect, and the flirting sounds of men and women in the next room can be heard one after another.
My stomach churned and I slammed the computer shut. Unable to bear it any longer, I rolled off the bed and vomited while holding the balcony railing.
Tears just fell, I looked at the dark night sky, stroked the photos in my hands, and suddenly I wanted to have a home where I could go back.
Life is like a drifting leaf, and I am a leaf that is drifting around with nowhere to return to.
The temperature difference between day and night in City A is very large. After crying enough, I wiped my face, closed the door, and went out with the key.
As I passed next door, the flirting between a man and a woman continued. I buried my head in my collar and quickened my pace.
It's raining outside. No wonder there are no stars or moonlight tonight. I put my hands in my pockets, hunched my shoulders, walked towards the nearby store, bought a bottle of beer, and sat alone under the bus stop, watching the sparse pedestrians on the road.
The phone in my pocket suddenly rang.
Looking at the phone number that rarely calls me, my nose suddenly felt sore.
With trembling fingertips, I pressed the answer button. A woman's shrill cry was heard. The excitement in my heart was instantly crushed into powder. My mood slowly sank, and the fingers holding the phone turned white because they were clenched too tightly.
"Drink! I want more wine!"
"Drink it quickly! I want more!"
"Why won't you let me drink?"
…
"Ugh..." It felt like something was poisoning my poor stomach. I threw down my phone as if I had received an electric shock, held onto a roadside electric pole, and vomited my stomach juice. Why did you let me hear these things? Why did you indulge in such depravity? Why don't you live a good life? Mom, it's only your love that was destroyed. Why did you destroy your family relationship as well? Why don't you think about me, and your daughter? Think about me!
The phone that was thrown to the ground and automatically hung up rang again. I wiped my tears, grabbed the phone and yelled at it in the angriest voice in my life.
"Mom, if you still have a trace of clarity, please don't let me hear these things anymore. I can't stand it, I can't stand it, do you know? You can vent all your resentment and unwillingness on me, you can live a life of drunkenness and dreams, but please don't let me hear these voices on a day like this. Do you know that you are very selfish! Today is Ji Dongming's death anniversary, it is his death anniversary, do you still remember! Even if you don't admit it, he is still my father! Mom... I beg you..."
I beg you, Mom!
"Ai Ye, where are you? I'm Leng Zimo! Don't cry, tell me where you are first." A cold voice with a coaxing tone came from the phone. I was crying hysterically and my body suddenly stiffened, and even breathing became difficult.
"Ai Ye, are you listening? Ai Ye? Tell me, where are you?" At this moment, my mind was in a mess. I didn't know why Leng Zimo called me, where he got my phone number, and why he wanted to know where I was. I only saw a slender figure in white holding a mobile phone on the dim street in the distance, calling my name while anxiously knocking on the doors of one hotel after another. Rushing in and out, the boy who was as clean and holy as the moonlight, broke into this turbid place just to find me who was once abandoned by him in the rain alley.
Finally, after repeated disappointments, he stood dejectedly under the street light across the street. I couldn't see the expression on his face, I only saw him wiping the corners of his eyes with his hands, I didn't know if he was wiping sweat or something else.
My hand involuntarily put the phone to my ear, listening to Leng Zimo's already hoarse voice, and I felt that my heart, which had become desolate after being abandoned time and time again, was slowly warming up.
"Ai Ye, where are you?" Leng Zimo asked the same question with a choked voice.
"Turn around, there is a No. 5 bus stop at 45 degrees northwest, and I am standing there." 45 degrees northwest is looking back. I have never dared to look back at the past, the years when I was constantly hurt and abandoned innocently. Now, I can't help but hope that the only boy who remembered to look for me can look back at me once.
In fact, I don’t ask for much. A complete family and a little warmth are enough.
In the misty drizzle, my vision was blurred. The figure running towards me was bathed in the rain and mist, real and illusory, so ethereal. Who stopped in my mottled years and gave me an unforgettable look back. Forty-five degrees, no more, no less, unbiased, Leng Zimo stood in front of me, completely wet, black hair still hanging with crystal raindrops, the fragrance of shower gel hit my nose, I took a deep breath, the smell was so real, all the illusions seemed to become clear, and became contoured and touchable.
"Ai Ye, come back with me!" Leng Zimo said to me, panting.
I looked at him and said woodenly: "Where are you going back to?"
"Of course we have to go back to school. It would be bad if the teacher found out that you ran away like this. I also understand what happened. It was because I didn't handle my work properly that you were implicated. Come back with me first, and I will help you with other matters."
Leng Zimo took a deep breath, stood up straight, and spoke to me like a responsible senior and student union president.
I shook off the hands on my shoulders and stepped back, refusing his help for the first time.
"I can't go back! Actually, you know everything. You know why I can't go back. Leng Yuting is your sister, how could you not know about my affairs. My family went bankrupt, mother and daughter were abandoned, I am a bastard, I was dumped, I failed the college entrance examination, and only got into an ordinary university, my mother hangs out in bars every day, I have a home like I don't have one, everyone blames me... How can I go back? You say..." I spoke incoherently, my heart aching.
"Ai Ye, don't be like this, everyone has misunderstood. I know that it has nothing to do with you and it's not your fault! Ai Ye, come back to school with me and pretend nothing happened tonight, okay?" Leng Zimo grabbed my hand and said seriously. His dark eyes were so clear that it made people feel ashamed.
"Today is the anniversary of my father's death. How can you ask me to pretend that nothing happened? I am a bastard who cannot stand the light of day. I thought that I could live a good life by leaving that place and coming here. There are no incense sticks, no altar. I just want a photo of my father. On a day like today, I take it out and look at this strange man engraved on the tombstone. Then I can tell myself how hard it is for me to live. I am not a bastard. I have a father. I am that man's only blood. I have to live well to be worthy of him..."
As I spoke, tears streamed down my face. I choked for a while before continuing, "I usually don't dare to take out the photos to look at them, for fear that I would cry. I'm not as optimistic as you think, and I don't care about anything. You see, I cry too, really cry! They stained my photos. I can tolerate anything but this. None of you know how sad it is for an eighteen-year-old child, carrying the stigma of a bastard, to take a train alone to a strange city, searching among the deserted tombs. You don't understand at all ! I don't know what my father looks like, and even his name was said by my mother when she was drunk. It was unclear. I could only rely on my imagination to find the tombstone. If I found the wrong one, I would look for it again, and if I worshipped the wrong one, I would worship it again. When I finally found it, I couldn't cry anymore. , because I have visited every grave and my tears have dried. When I take pictures, my hands are shaking, and the pictures are not good-looking. I delete them and take them again, and I want to take the best ones to take back. I can’t show my mother the printed pictures, I can only hide them. I can’t let my mother know that I have seen my father, so no matter how much I miss him, I won’t call his name, I can only write it silently with my fingers. Sometimes I write wrong, I write Ai Sheng’s name, and then I erase it immediately, keep saying sorry, and rewrite it, stroke by stroke, until I dare not forget it again. My heart hurts, it really hurts, but no one has asked me if it hurts. No one likes to be called a bastard. I, Ai Ye, have a father. Even if I am not Ai Sheng’s child, I still have a father. My father’s name is Ji Dongming, Ji for four seasons, Dong for east, west, south, and north, Ming for brightness, eight strokes plus five strokes plus eight strokes...”
"Don't say anything, don't cry, I'll take you to find your dad, we'll take the train to go to that place again, I'll accompany you this time, we'll look for them one by one, and when we find them we'll take new photos and frame them. Come, follow me, we'll go to the train station."
Leng Zimo carefully took my hand, which was cold, his and mine. Soon, in the drizzle, I was like a soulless puppet, letting the clean-cut boy lead me, holding my only luggage - a three-year-old laptop, and followed Leng Zimo on the train to Town B.
When I arrived at Town B, it was the next morning, four or five o'clock in the middle of summer, and the sky was already turning pale. With my vague memory, I once again came to the deserted cemetery.
My eyes are wet, and I can't tell whether it's the morning dew, the rain or fog, or the tears I can't hold back again.
Leng Zimo held my hand and we searched tombstone by tombstone. The name "Ji Dongming" was read out over and over again in his pleasant and cold voice, and I felt my empty heart was filled. This time he did not leave, this time I was not abandoned, in this desolate place, I was not alone.
"Your father looks very elegant and is a good man."
After walking almost the entire cemetery, we found the tombstone that was almost covered by weeds.
Leng Zimo squatted on the ground with me, pulling weeds and looking at the old photos on the tombstone while talking to me.
I wiped the dirt off my hands on my T-shirt, touched the smiling photo of the man on the cold tombstone with a sad heart, and tears fell.
"At first glance, he is a clean man. His smile is flawless, but it's too cold. You are the same as him, the kind of man who looks clean and clear at first glance, so you are also good-looking." I said sincerely to Leng Zimo.
His hands that were pulling out the weeds froze for a moment, and he looked up at me blankly. He didn't say anything for a long time, but just turned his head away and took out his cell phone to take a picture.
"Take a few more photos this time so you won't be afraid of losing them."
"I'll take the photo. You can't take it well."
"oh."
Leng Zimo handed me the phone awkwardly.
I didn't finish my words. Actually, it wasn't that I complained that he didn't take good photos. It was just that I wanted to take the photo of my dad myself.
He gave me life. No matter how others despise him, it was indeed he who gave me the chance to live in this world.
For so many years, I have done nothing for him. Even on his death anniversary, I was just being coquettish in another man's arms, calling him "Dad" affectionately. He must be very sad.
When I think about it, I feel sad for him.
